Episode 117: “Yar is Pirate Talk for Yes”
Written by “Krenim”
Published February 17, 2005
Down in the mysterious alleys of Farius Prime, a mysterious meeting was going on mysteriously. Two shadowy cloaked (as in wearing cloaks, not as in being invisible) figures were having a conversation...
The first figure, male, asked, “So, you want to join the Orion Syndicate?”
The second figure, female, responded, “Yes. I hear there are great opportunities to be had.”
“Very well. We’ll have to run a background check on you. We don’t want spies getting in, now do we?”
“So what’s your name, Ms...”
“As. Ali As.”
“Well, Ms. As, we’ll be in touch.”
And with that, the one mysterious shadowy figure mysteriously disappeared into the mysterious shadows. The other figure slowly made her way to a nearby bar. She slipped into one of the booths and lowered her hood, revealing herself to be Tasha Yar.
A waitress came up to Yar. “Can I get you something?”
“The Romulan Warbird flies at midnight.”
“Huh? Oh. You want the undercover Starfleet Intelligence officer waitress. Hold on.”
The waitress went over to one of the other waitresses and pointed at Yar. The other waitress came over and sat down in the booth. “How did it go?”
“They’re running a background check, but they won’t find anything. I’m as good as in. And aren’t you supposed to be an undercover Starfleet Intelligence officer? As in nobody should know what you actually do?”
“Who would suspect someone who says they’re a Starfleet Intelligence officer of actually being a Starfleet Intelligence officer? It’s an ingenius cover!”
Yar rolled her eyes. “Right... So now can you tell me what this mission is all about?”
“Very well. For the last few weeks, the Orion Syndicate has been raiding Starfleet transports and stealing their cargos.”
“What were they carrying? Food? Medicine? Technology?”
”Star Trek merchandise.”
“I think we just broke the fourth, fifth, and sixth walls in the span of three seconds, but go on.”
“The Syndicate is stealing the merchandise so they can sell their own poor-quality bootleg merchandise, like three-armed Kirk action figures and novels featuring Captain Shaneway. Your job is to infiltrate the Syndicate’s flagship, captained by the infamous Greenbeard the Pirate.”
“If he’s so infamous, how come I’ve never heard of him?”
“Because he’s infamous, silly. Anyway, once you’re aboard, destroy the ship. You’re the best person in the fleet at blowing up stuff, so that’s why you were chosen for this mission. If you are captured, the Federation will disavow any knowledge of your mission. This tape will self-destruct in ten seconds.”
A short time later, a somewhat charred Yar walked into the apartment that Starfleet Intelligence had set up for her. She mumbled, “More like Starfleet Unintelligence...” before she noticed that she had a message waiting for her.
She played the message. A huge green man, obviously an Orion, appeared onscreen, wearing the stereotypical eyepatch and pirate hat. He also had a huge, unkempt green beard. “I be Greenbeard the Pirate, lassie! I be welcoming ya to me crew, yaaaar!”
“What? Who told you my name was Yar?”
“That be pirate talk for ‘yes.’ And don’t be asking how a recording be answering your question neither, lass! Report to me ship at 07:00 to get yer complimentary gift basket!”
Yar arrived at Greenbeard’s ship promptly at 07:00. The ship, obviously constructed hastily by the special effects department, was essentially just a pirate ship with warp nacelles badly glued onto it. The gigantic Greenbeard was at the airlock to meet her. “There be me new crewmember! Here’s yer gift basket!”
Greenbeard handed Yar a gift basket filled with gagh. Yar looked at it. “Aren’t gift baskets usually filled with fruit or candy or bread or something?”
“This was made by the Orion Syndicate! We’re all about substandard merchandise! Take me pirate uniform for instance!”
“Looks like a good uniform to me.”
“It be missing a parrot! Every pirate’s gotta have a parrot! Instead I got a miniature Romulan Warbird to park on me shoulder!”
On cue, a tiny little green Romulan Warbird (no bigger than 10 cm long) came zooming in, landing on Greenbeard’s shoulder. “Polly wanna cross the Neutral Zone!”
Yar rolled her eyes. “Uh huh. So where are my quarters?”
“They be down below. Your name be on your door. Make yourself at home, and don’t be blowing up me ship, yaaar...”
Down below, Yar found the door marked “Ali As,” but didn’t stop there. Instead, she went snooping around the ship to find a weak spot. It didn’t take her long to find it. A large sign marked “Weak Spot” was nailed on the wall in one of the hallways. She quickly took a small bomb out of her pocket, stuck it on the wall, and made for the exit as fast as she could.
Unfortunately, Greenbeard was waiting at the airlock with several guards. “And where do yet think yer going, yaaar?”
“What? Oh. Uh... I forgot something?”
Greenbeard held out his hand, which had Yar’s explosive in it. “This be what yer missing?”
“Hey... How’d you know about that?”
“Polly saw ye. Didn’t ye, Polly?”
Polly decloaked on Greenbeard’s shoulder. Greenbeard crushed the bomb in his massive hand and dropped it on the ground. “I think ye need to be tellin’ me who ye really are.”
“No, Yar. One ‘A.’ Starfleet sent me to stop your attacks.”
“By blowing up me ship? Ye needn’t resort to that. You can fight me for it!”
“Aw... But I like blowing up stuff.”
“If ye win, you can still blow it up if ye want. It’ll be yer ship.”
A short time later, Greenbeard and Yar met ondeck. A huge assortment of weapons had been gathered. Greenbeard motioned towards them. “Choose yer weapon, yaaar! Er, Yar!”
“Pfft. You call this a selection? I’ve got more firepower stored in my closet. But since we’re going with the whole pirate theme, let’s go with nice simple swords.”
Yar picked up a large sword and swung it around expertly. Greenbeard did likewise. “This be a fight to the death! Begin!”
The two of them started fighting immediately. Yar, a master of everything even potentially destructive, was doing well, but Greenbeard’s strength was so great that he began gaining the upper hand. The rest of the pirates, who had gathered around to watch the battle, were cheering.
Greenbeard sneered. “Ye put up a good fight, lass, but it’s time for this fight to end!”
Yar sneered back. “I couldn’t agree more!”
Yar swung forward, and Greenbeard positioned his sword to protect himself. Unfortunately for him, Yar wasn’t aiming at Greenbeard. Polly got skewered. “Polly waaant aaaaaa...”
Yar grinned. “I win!”
“No ye don’t!”
“It was a fight to the death. You never said whose death.”
“Curse ye and yer technicalities! Very well, me ship be yours! Come on, everyone!”
Greenbeard and the pirates left the ship, leaving Yar to take her time using the onboard weaponry to happily blow the ship to pieces...
It has long been considered
a sign of the Apocalypse...
An event so horrific
that it heralds the end times...
There is nowhere to run
and nowhere to hide...
For Braxton has been promoted!
Episode 118: “Desk Jockeys, Part I”