Episode 122: “Just Kidding”
Written by “Krenim”
Published June 23, 2005
“...and that’s the story of how Captain Braxton got his toothbrush stuck up his nose.”
Damar sat in front of Miss Nova’s class in The School Named After Captain Braxton, the Greatest Captain That Ever Lived, positively thrilled that he got to tell yet another story to the children of the Relativity.
The children, however, did not seem all that thrilled. J’Erk, a Nausicaan boy and the class clown, stood up and threw a PADD at Damar. “You moron! You’ve already told us that story five times already! Don’t you have any new material?”
Damar was taken aback. “What? Are you sure?”
Suzy, a half-Andorian half-Vulcan girl and the class’ know-it-all, replied. “Yes, but it was six times.” And with that she stuck her tongue out at J’Erk.
Numerous small objects began flying at Damar. He quickly made a dash for the door. “I’ll see you all later, children!”
Miss Nova called after him. “I don’t think you should come back until you get some new stories, Damar!”
A bruised Damar sighed. “New stories? Where am I going to get new stories?”
Meanwhile, back in the classroom, Miss Nova eventually managed to get her class back under control. “Children, we apparently have another guest today. Please make Mr. Gorgon feel welcome.”
The glowing green form of the Gorgan appeared in the classroom. He slowly stated, I am the Gorgan. Not to be confused with the Gorgon, which is a mythical Earth creature. I am most certainly not mythical, nor am I an Earth creature. I am, in fact, real, and I am from a planet other than the Earth. I...
J’Erk stood up and threw another PADD. “Hey, Mojo! Is there something genetic about being green that keeps you from getting to the point?”
The PADD went right through the Gorgan, what with him being a noncorporeal being and all. You wish for me to get to the point. That is good, because I also wish to get to the point. Without a point, there would be no reason for me to be talking. I am talking, so I do have a point to get to.
Miss Nova sighed and slumped in her chair. “Well, I’m batting zero for guests today...”
The Gorgan finally got to his point. How would you children like to help me take over the entire galaxy?
J’Erk’s eyes went wide. “Cool...”
Miss Nova had a slightly different reaction. “Now listen here! There will be no taking over the galaxy in my classroom!”
“But I wanna take over the galaxy! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!”
The Gorgan smirked slightly. Good. That is the sort of thing I like to hear, because it fits in with my plan. Had you said something differently, it might not have been what I would have liked to have heard, and therefore I might not have been happy with it, but you did...
“Just tell me how to do it!”
Make your hand into a fist and shake it at your teacher like you’re pounding something that isn’t actually there. Actually, you are pounding air, but since it is air, it is completely undamaged...
Ignoring the rest of the Gorgan’s babbling, J’Erk shook his fist at Miss Nova, who promptly crawled into a corner and crumpled up into a fetal position. “No... No... I don’t want to listen to another one of Damar’s stupid stories...”
J’Erk stared at his fist and smiled evilly. “Cool... But where did that trumpet sound come from every time I did that?”
Little Bobby, sitting in the corner, quickly hid his trumpet.
The Gorgan addressed the class once again. Well, actually, he hadn’t stopped addressing the class, but he was finally getting around to his point. With this power, you can bring the secret fear of any adult to the surface. However, it will not be a secret fear anymore, because you will know it. We can then control them, and we will conquer the galaxy. Go, children. If you need my help, call to me, and I will come.
Bobby asked, “Sure, what’s your number?”
You do not need a number to call me. You need only recite the following song...
J’Erk scoffed. “Song? How corny are you?”
About an hour later, Captain Braxton was in his ready room working on some reports. Or rather, he should have been working on some reports. He had actually been attempting to lick his own elbow for some time.
Braxton looked around. “Where is that coming from? Oh no... The voices are back!”
“Phew. That’s a relief.”
Suddenly, the door chime sounded. Braxton stuck his tongue back in his mouth and responded. “Come in.”
After a short pause, Suzy came running in. “Cap’n Braxton! Cap’n Braxton! Something bad has happened!”
“What is it, Dawn?”
“My name is Suzy.”
“Oops. Sorry, Melody.”
“I’m wearing a nametag, you fool!” And with that, she pointed to the clearly visible nametag on her shirt.
“Well, this is a new low. I’m being insulted by a six-year old. What is the matter?”
“This weird green guy showed up in class an hour ago and convinced all the kids except me to take over the ship and he gave them weird mind control powers and everybody’s in danger!”
“An hour ago? What took you so long to get up here?”
“I’m too short to reach any of the door controls. I had to carry a stepstool with me. It was heavy.”
Braxton got up and started heading towards the door. “Wait, hold on. Why’d you come straight to me? Surely you could have told another adult.”
“Mr. Damar told us a lot of stories about you.”
“Odd. I thought the stories he was telling about me portrayed me as an idiot.”
“They did. It’s always the idiot in these stories who’s immune to mind control because they’re too stupid for it to work on.”
“Are you sure you’re not Ducane’s child?”
Braxton opened the door and stepped onto the bridge. Unfortunately, he tripped over Suzy’s stepstool and fell flat on his face. He slowly got up and shouted, “Red Alert!”
Oddly, nobody paid attention to him. Well, except for Bobby, who was sitting on one of the consoles with his trumpet.
He shook Xaronna. “Stop the ship!”
Xaronna looked up at Braxton with wild eyes. “I can’t do that! If I change course, we’ll run into those clearly fake-looking giant swords out there!”
Braxton looked at the main viewscreen and saw no clearly fake-looking giant swords. “Do you know what this means, Lila?”
“Whatever. This means I’m the sanest member of the crew! Go me! Go me!”
Suzy sighed and tried to snap Ducane out of his delusion. “Hey, Mr. Ducane? Can you do something about all this?”
Unfortunately, Ducane had the same frenzied look on his face as Xaronna. “I can’t disobey Starfleet orders! If I did that, Starfleet may never promote me and I’ll be stuck cleaning up Braxton’s messes for all eternity!”
Braxton walked up to Bobby. “Stop this right now, you little halfpint! Or whatever the metric equivalent of a halfpint is!”
Bobby tried to work his mind-control powers on Braxton, trying to play his trumpet each time he shook his fist. Braxton grabbed the trumpet. “Fix my crew or I’ll ram this trumpet down your throat!”
Suzy shook her head. “You can’t do that. This is a kid-friendly show. Child abuse is a big no-no.”
“Stupid FCC. Fine. Fix my crew or... I’ll put you in a time-out!”
Bobby shook his head. “No can do. I’m not the one in charge. You’re going to have to face the Gorgan himself.”
Braxton, Suzy, and Bobby stood around looking mildly confused. Finally, Braxton asked, “So... Who wants some beets?”
After locking Bobby up in Braxton’s ready room, the duo began to plot taking down the Gorgan. Suzy said, “The Gorgan appeared to be a non-corporeal being. How are we going to beat that?”
Braxton thought for a few minutes, and by “a few minutes", I mean several hours. Finally, something dawned on him. “The ship has some kind of weapon that can blow up non-corporeal beings!”
Another few hours later, Braxton and Suzy had finally disconnected the “Blow Up Non-Corporeal Aliens” weapon from the ship and were pushing it along on an anti-grav carrier. Braxton, however, was ill at ease. “There’s one thing that’s bothering me...”
“The fact that we’ve been travelling for quite a few hours at hyperwarp and still haven’t reached a planet?”
“No, although I suppose that should bother me. Where are all the other children on the ship?”
On cue, a huge horde of children led by J’Erk rounded the corner. “There they are! Get them!”
Suzy cowered in terror. “We can’t fight them all off! What are we going to do?”
Braxton grinned. “There’s only one way to disband a horde of children like this! When I was your age...”
The children came to a screeching halt. “Oh no! Not a ‘When I Was Your Age’ story! Everyone run!”
Braxton laughed. “Yeah, you better run! Especially you, the one that looks like a rapid aardvark!”
Suzy breathed a sigh of relief. “Phew. That was a good idea.”
“Yeah, well, they occasionally come to me. Now... Where are we taking this thing?”
“I dunno. It’s gotta be somewhere where it won’t hurt anybody or damage the ship too much...”
”My quarters?!?!” Needless to say, Braxton was quite irate.
“Because you’re the only one who lives here, it’s the only place guaranteed to be abandoned.”
“I suppose. Wait! Where’s Helix?”
Helix was in the next room over, where he had somehow gotten a nine-course fish dinner. Braxton picked him up and moved him out into the corridor. “One of these days, I’m going to find out where he’s getting all this food...”
Suzy looked around. “Maybe he used the replicator?”
“Don’t be silly. Cats can’t use replicators. In any case, there’s nothing in there I can’t replicate myself, so let’s get this party started. How do we get the Gorgan in here?”
“I have to sing a song.”
“How corny is that?”
“Tell me about it.”
Hail, hail, fire and snow
Call the angel, we will go
Far away, for to see
Friendly angel come to me!
After Suzy finished singing, Braxton replied in his best (and by “best” I mean “worst") British accent, “If I’m being honest, I thought it was a safe performance.”
The Gorgan appeared. Who has summoned the Gorgan? I am the Gorgan and I have been summoned, but I do not know by whom. Therefore, I inquire as to the identity of my summoner. I...
The Gorgan was interrupted by Braxton. “This is the Gorgan? All this trouble caused by a glowing fat guy in a dress?”
Before the Gorgan could object, Suzy fired the weapon. The green goof was vaporized. Unfortunately, so was Braxton’s wall, exposing his quarters to space. Luckily, before the captain and his young cohort were sucked into the vacuum, the emergency forcefields came online.
“Captain’s Log: With the verbose villain defeated, the crew has returned to normal. Well, except for the Doctor. He seemed to be going on about something like being immune to mind-control since he was a hologram and how he could have helped and blah blah blah. For attempting to take over the galaxy, all of the students in Miss Nova’s class (except for Jennifer) shall be forced to listen to Damar’s stories for the next week. Sucks to be them. Unfortunately, we must return to Starbase 47 for repairs to the ship. Now if you will excuse me, It’s time for me to sleep. End log. Computer, lights.”
And with that, Captain Braxton grabbed a pillow and blanket and fell asleep in his captain’s chair, leaving everybody else in the dark.
Four words: Alien Nazi Space Vampires!
Feel the fear in a three-part special event...
Episode 123: “Cold Shoulder, Part I”