The National Spoiler Service has issued a Severe Spoiler Warning for the Series ? three-part episode “Cold Shoulder.” These spoilers are for Enterprise episodes up to and including the fourth season premiere “Storm Front.” If you do not wish to be spoiled, seek shelter immediately. For that matter, seek shelter from “Storm Front.” Yes, it’s that bad.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled insanity.
Starfleet’s Master Temporal Observatory was a wonder to behold. A sleek space station orbiting Nereid, it had only been brought online several days earlier. Inside the station’s multi-story command center, hundreds of Starfleet’s most highly qualified temporal agents coordinated incoming data from every timeship in operation.
The Observatory’s commanding officer slowly paced around the holographic representation of the timestream; her heavy tritanium hull shaking the floor with each step. Indeed, the commanding officer was none other than the fearsome Robo-Nechayev! Having been replaced as admiral of Starbase 47, the metallic menace demanded a new position, and the rest of the admiralty (not wanting to be smashed and/or vaporized) were happy to oblige.
Most of Robo-Nechayev’s time in the Observatory was spent focused on a particular point on the holographic representation. Her aides quickly realized this, and eventually one of them got up the nerve to ask what was so interesting. “Excuse me, Admiral?”
Robo-Nechayev looked down at the aide. Who dares disturb the Robo-Nechayev?
The aide nearly wet himself. “Just one of your aides, ma’am! Please don’t hurt me!”
What is it you require, pathetic bio-organism?
“We were just wondering, ma’am, what is that dot you keep looking at?”
After a few seconds enjoying her aide quaking in terror, Robo-Nechayev lifted her massive metallic hand and touched the dot. The interactive hologram automatically expanded the dot, displaying all the pertinent information. Federation timeship Relativity: Starfleet designation NCV-474439-H.
Affirmative. Braxton is likely the most incompetent officer in all of Starfleet, but has nevertheless managed to save the Federation several times by sheer luck. Most of the time, however, other timeships are kept busy just cleaning up his messes.
“So you’re looking out for his next blunder?”
Correct. That and my husband has a certain inexplicable affinity for the ship.
All of a sudden klaxons started going off. The holographic timeline rotated around and zoomed in on the trouble, signified by a large red dot.
Robo-Nechayev scowled even more than usual. Temporal incursion located in the Andorian system. Contact Starbase 65 and dispatch...
Before her order could be completed, the hologram started rotating around again, focusing on another anomaly. Temporal incursion located in...
More and more temporal incursions were appearing at an exponential rate. Soon more of the timeline was red than green. Those near Robo-Nechayev saw a sight that they thought they would never see: The tritanium titan was clearly afraid. Open Priority One channel to Starfleet Command. Message is as follows: the Temporal Cold War has just gone hot...
The Relativity slowly approached Starbase 47, still with a smoking hole where Braxton’s quarters used to be. Ducane walked over to Dax. “Open a channel to Starbase 47. Let Admiral Crusher know we’re coming in for repairs.”
Dax tried several times, but failed to contact anyone. “Sir, I can’t raise Starbase 47.”
Braxton turned around and replied, “Of course not. That station’s awfully heavy.”
Ducane rolled his eyes. “How astute of you, sir. Are we within sensor range?”
Dax checked. “Almost. There it is. It appears to be fine. But there’s a lot of activity there. A whole lot of activity.” She put the image on the main viewscreen. Sure enough, dozens of Federation timeships were entering and exiting the timestream around Starbase 47. After a few minutes, the approaching Relativity seemed to finally get someone’s attention, as Dax’s console started playing the Lost in Space theme song.
Admiral Crusher appeared onscreen. His desk was littered with PADDs, and numerous Starfleet personel seemed to be busy in the background. “I was wondering when you were going to show up, Braxton. Let’s get this over with. I want you and your senior staff in my office ASAP! Crusher out.”
A few minutes later, Braxton and crew beamed directly into Crusher’s busy office. It took Crusher a few minutes to even notice they had arrived. Once he had, he motioned for Braxton to sit down.
Braxton took in all the chaos going on. “What’s going on, Admiral?”
“The Temporal Cold War has ignited into a full-blown conflict. Every timeship in the fleet is busy keeping the other factions from altering history.”
“I’m willing to help in any way I can, sir.”
“Excellent. You can help by staying out of it!”
“You’re an idiot, Braxton! A blithering idiot! With all of history at stake, the last thing I need is you screwing up things yet again! I don’t care what you do until this is over, but stay out of the way!”
For once, Crusher’s insults actually managed to register with Braxton. All Braxton could do was to reply in a very subdued manner, “Very well, Admiral.” He got up and walked out of the office, with his crew in tow.
After they had left, Admiral Crusher sighed. “You know, I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. Are you sure I had to do that?”
Daniels emerged from the shadows. “Trust me.”
“Captain’s Log: Since the resources of Starbase 47 are being reserved for useful ships, we must go elsewhere to repair the smoking crater that used to be my quarters. Damar has recommended a location, and we are currently en route...”
Damar pointed at the viewscreen. “There it is. Zoom in.”
Xaronna punched a few buttons. The viewscreen zoomed in on the object Damar was pointing at. It was a space station, and an awfully familiar one at that.
Ducane squinted at the station for a few minutes before finally recognizing it. “Damar?”
“The crazy talking repair station from ‘Dead Stop’? Are you nuts?”
“Where else are we going to go? Every Starfleet installation is busy at the moment. It’ll be okay. All we have to do is be a little... careful.”
The Relativity docked and the senior staff boarded the station. A holographic representation of the ship appeared floating in mid-air, with the ruins of Captain Braxton’s quarters highlighted in red. The station’s computer voice came over the comm. Please select a payment from those displayed on the nearby terminal.
Everybody walked over to the terminal. Ducane turned to everybody else. “Okay, what can we part with?”
After much arguing, Braxton finally made a selection. The computer replied, You have selected 47 grams of galvanized neutronium and your tasty tasty brains. Is that correct?
“Wait... What was that last part?”
Is that correct?
“No, before that.”
You have selected 47 grams of galvanized neutronium.
“No, after that.”
“I thought so. That is correct.”
Outside, the station sprung to life and immediately began repairing Braxton’s quarters.
Everybody began heading back to the Relativity except for Braxton, who merely slumped down into a chair. Ducane noticed this. “Sir, aren’t you coming back to the ship?”
Braxton muttered back, “No. I don’t even have quarters to return to, so I might as well just stay here until the repairs are done.”
Kes whispered to Ducane, “I don’t think we should leave him here. What if the zombie computer tries to eat his brain?”
Several hours later, the station had nearly completed its task. However, another damaged ship had dropped out of hyperwarp and docked. Ducane asked, “Anybody have any idea who our new neighbors are?”
Dax checked the sensors. “Haven’t the slightest idea...”
Back on the station, Braxton was snapped out of his bad mood by the sound of approaching footsteps. He turned around to find several humanoids dressed in what appeared to be old Nazi uniforms. “Hello, I’m Captain Braxton. And you are...?”
The lead alien replied, “We are... the Alien Nazi Space Vampires!”
“Wow. That’s a mouthful.”
“Well, the script says that we are the Na’kuhl, but it’s not actually mentioned onscreen.”
“Na’kuhl... Were you in Lord of the Rings?”
“No, that’s the Nazgul.”
“Then who are the guys that drive around in circles really fast?”
“I am Vosk. My ship has been damaged fighting in the Temporal Cold War, so we have docked for repairs.”
“Getting to fight in the Temporal Cold War.”
“Wait. You’re a Starfleet timeship captain and you’re not busy with the Temporal Cold War?”
“Yes! One of the factions is messing with the history of my people!”
“Some shadowy figure who calls himself Future Guy. He’s got these goons called the Suliban...”
“I dunno. I’ve never heard of them before either. Anyway, the Suliban are messing around in the 22nd Century. My ship is damaged, so I can’t stop them myself, and none of the other factions are interested in helping. Would you help us?”
“Well, Starfleet ordered me to stay out of all of this, but I know how bad Future Guy can be. He started the Vaad War and sent a horde of Klingons to kill me. Sure, I’ll help.”
“Thank you so much!”
“No problem. I’m happy to help. Enjoy your stay here. The station’s really good at repairs, but not so much with conversation. It’s always ‘tasty brains’ this and ‘tasty brains’ that.”
Once Braxton had left, one of the Alien Nazi Space Vampire goons chuckled. “I can’t believe he fell for that.”
Vosk laughed maniacally as well. “Indeed. It was well worth the time to track down Braxton. Soon, all of time shall be mine to command! Bwahahahahahaha!”
Light-years away, on the Master Temporal Observatory, Galvatron suddenly snapped to attention. “Someone out there is laughing maniacally! Quick, to the Nemesis!”
Several minutes later, Braxton had explained all that had just transpired to his senior staff.
Ducane looked doubtful. “Although repairs are now complete, are you sure we should be doing this? After all, Starfleet ordered us to stay put, and I’m not sure these guys are entirely trustworthy.”
Braxton scoffed. “They’re Alien Nazi Space Vampires. What’s not to trust?”
And so, after beaming payment aboard the station, the Relativity lept into the timestream...
On the next episode of Star Trek: Series ?, the entire space-time continuum goes to heck in a handbasket! With half the Temporal Cold War factions after them, can the Relativity crew set history back on track while uncovering Vosk’s evil plot? Find out in...
Episode 124: “Cold Shoulder, Part II”