The National Spoiler Service has issued a Severe Spoiler Warning for the Series ? three-part episode “Cold Shoulder.” These spoilers are for Enteprise episodes up to and including the fourth season premiere “Storm Front.” If you do not wish to be spoiled, seek shelter immediately. For that matter, seek shelter from “Storm Front". Yes, it’s that bad.
We now return you to your irregularly scheduled insanity. (Happy now, MM? ☺)
On the last episode of Star Trek: Series ?, total chaos erupted as the Temporal Cold War went hot. Admiral Crusher ordered Captain Braxton not to interfere, and so the Relativity crew spent its time at the creepy automated repair station from “Dead Stop” having Braxton’s quarters rebuilt. Who should also happen to show up at the station but Vosk and the rest of the Alien Nazi Space Vampires, who tricked Braxton into taking on a mission to fight Future Guy and his minions. But what is Vosk’s ultimate goal?
Onboard Starbase 47, Admiral Crusher had received a transmission from the Master Temporal Observatory. Needless to say, he was not happy in the slightest. “He did what?!?! After I told him explicitly not to?!?!”
Robo-Nechayev’s face was on the small viewscreen in Crusher’s office. You doubt the Robo-Nechayev? The Relativity has indeed initiated time travel.
“Well, I don’t have the time or the resources to deal with Braxton right now. All of history is going straight down the toilet.”
What toilet? The Robo-Nechayev has never seen a toilet on Star Trek.
“You know what I mean. Everything is messed up. Klingons and Romulans are living together in peace and harmony! The Jem’Hadar rule over the Founders! ‘Threshold’ is a good episode! It’s not right, I tell you!”
Daniels emerged from the shadows yet again. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll deal with Braxton.”
And with that, Daniels walked out of Admiral Crusher’s office. Crusher attempted to follow him, but found that Daniels had mysteriously vanished...
Meanwhile, the Relativity had dropped out of the timestream in the 22nd Century. Braxton ordered, “Set a course for the Excelsior!”
Xaronna turned around to face Braxton. “But I thought we were going after the Suliban?”
“Sorry, force of habit. To the Suliban!”
It wasn’t hard to find a Suliban Helix, and the ship made it there in no time. Oddly, the Suliban didn’t seem to notice them in the slightest. Ducane noticed this and asked, “Where’s the welcoming committee?”
Dax checked the sensors. “Dunno. Everything seems intact. I’m getting plenty of strong Suliban lifesigns. They just seem to be ignoring us.”
Ducane then turned back towards Braxton. “Permission to lead an away team over, sir?”
“Granted. Just remember to bring me back a souvenir.”
“This is an away mission, sir, not a vacation.”
“Or is it?”
Ducane rolled his eyes and motioned for Dax and Yar to follow him.
The trio beamed onto the Helix to find the Suliban clearly bored out of their minds. They were slumped in chairs doing things like playing card games and doing crossword puzzles. They barely even noticed three humans were walking around the place.
After a while, they finally managed to make their way to the temporal chamber. Although it seemed to be clearly functional (as time seemed to be slightly out of kilter within), it had clearly not been used in a while. Everything, including Future Guy’s pedestal, was covered in dust.
In the corner, a lone cot was set up, and somebody was sleeping in it. Dax went over to take a peek. She whispered to the other two. “It’s Silik!”
Sure enough, it was Silik. Yar took her phaser rifle and stuck it up Silik’s nose. “All right, what have you been up to, you little reptile?”
Silik awoke, with his eyes crossing as he attempted to look at the weapon stuck halfway up one of his sinus cavities. “Huh?”
Ducane answered, “We’ve had some intel that says you’ve been up to no good.”
“We haven’t been up to no anything!”
Yar asked, “Can I shoot him for using a double negative?”
Silik quickly explained. “We haven’t been up to anything for the past year. We haven’t even heard from Future Guy since he had me bring that other human here and went blathering on and on about these Xindi. It’s almost as though our story arc was totally and utterly abandoned for some reason...”
Meanwhile, Braxton had quite the start when Daniels suddenly walked onto his bridge shouting at him. “Braxton! What the heck were you thinking when you came to this time period?!”
“Daniels! What the heck were you thinking when you got that hairstyle?!”
“Silence! Admiral Crusher expicitly ordered you to stay put in the 29th Century! Why are you here?”
Braxton did not respond.
“But you just said ‘Silence!’”
Daniels could feel himself getting stupider by the second. “Let’s try this again... Why did you disobey orders and come to the 22nd Century?”
“Because it would have been a really boring three-parter if we just sat around. Besides, these guys needed our help.”
“‘These guys’? What guys?”
“Eh. They kind of looked like the Master from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, except without the fruit punch mouth.”
”The Na’kuhl?!?! You listened to the Na’kuhl?!?!”
“It’s pronounced ‘NASCAR’.”
The remainder of the senior staff watched as Daniels grabbed Braxton by the hair and dragged him into his ready room...
...except that once they passed through the door, they wound up in the Helix’s temporal chamber instead. Once Silik saw Daniels, he yelled, “Eep! Temporal agent!” and hid under his cot.
Ducane asked Braxton, “Gotten in trouble with Daniels again, sir?”
“Yup. Who would have thought listening to Alien Nazi Space Vampires would cause so much trouble?”
At that point everyone rolled their eyes. Daniels surveyed the chamber. “Where the heck is Future Guy?”
Silik yelled back from under his cot, “I don’t know!”
Daniels sighed. “I guess I’m going to have to call him on my temporal cell phone...”
And with that, Daniels did indeed whip out a futuristic-looking cell phone and began yelling into it. “Future Guy? This is Daniels. Yes, I know, it’s been a while. Look, where the heck are you? We’ve got massive chaos in the 22nd Century! All right. See you in a sec.”
Daniels put away his phone, and a few seconds later, Future Guy appeared on his platform. Although as nondescript as ever, it was apparent he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. “This better be good! You’re interrupting my vacation!”
Daniels, looking mildly amused, quietly answered, “The Temporal Cold War’s gone hot.”
”What?!?! Why didn’t anybody tell me?! What’s been going on?”
“The Na’kuhl set the whole thing off, causing all sorts of chaos. I had to save your precious Suliban from being wiped from existence. After that, they tried again, this time tricking Braxton into doing it.”
“Well, that wouldn’t be too hard to do. What did Vosk do, offer him a banana?”
In the background, Braxton could be heard to mumble, “Mmm... Banana...”
Daniels continued. “I managed to stop him in time, though.”
Future Guy continued to be infuriated. “I’ve had it with that Vosk! First he refuses to bring his share of snacks to the Temporal Cold War poker game, now this! Silik!”
Silik was still under his cot. “Yes, my master?”
“Go with them and help them take care of Vosk for me.”
“And don’t be a whiny loser this time!”
Silik straightened up and stopped whining. “Yes, my master!”
A minute later, everybody was back on the Relativity bridge. Daniels turned to Braxton. “You want to help out? Set a course back to the 29th Century. We’re eliminating Vosk from the Temporal Cold War once and for all!”
And with that, the ship entered the timestream...
Meanwhile, back in the 29th Century, Vosk watched these events unfold in his own Alien Nazi Space Vampire temporal observatory. “Well well well... Daniels is coming to play with us... Just as I planned... Bwahahahahahaha! Ow! What just hit me upside the head?”
On the next episode of Star Trek: Series ?, the combined forces of Braxton, Daniels, and Silik take on the Alien Nazi Space Vampires! Can all of time be saved? Find out in...
Episode 125: “Cold Shoulder, Part III”