The National Spoiler Service has issued a Severe Spoiler Warning for the Series ? three-part episode “Cold Shoulder". These spoilers are for Enteprise episodes up to and including the fourth season premiere “Storm Front". If you do not wish to be spoiled, seek shelter immediately. For that matter, seek shelter from “Storm Front". Yes, it’s that bad.
We now return you to your irregularly scheduled insanity.
On the last episode of Star Trek: Series ?, the Relativity arrives in the 22nd Century only to find the Suliban bored out of their minds and Future Guy missing! Daniels shows up, yells at Braxton, and calls Future Guy, only to find out the mysterious figure was on vacation! Braxton, Daniels, and Silik have now combined forces to take down Vosk, but has everyone’s favorite berserk Transformer already taken care of the job?
Braxton, Ducane, and Daniels gathered in the Relativity’s ready room. Ducane raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “Care to fill us in on what’s really going on around here, Mr. Daniels?”
Daniels, leaning against one of the walls, sighed. “Very well. Vosk is the leader of the most evil faction in the Temporal Cold War; so much so that Future Guy looks like a cute and cuddly puppy in comparison.”
Braxton perked up. “I like puppies!”
“Yes, I’m sure you do. Anyway, Vosk’s sending you to do his dirty work was a win-win situation for him. If you succeeded, that would be one less faction to oppose his takeover of all time.”
Ducane was not very concerned about that outcome. “And if we failed?”
“Admiral Crusher did not order the Relativity to stay out of the conflict merely because of Braxton’s stupidity. You see, the 31st Century temporal agents have been the greatest thorns in Vosk’s side, and he saw the opportunity to eliminate one of them... me. One of my ancestors is aboard this ship, and if it were to be destroyed, I would cease to exist.”
Braxton got really excited. “OOH! OOH! Is it me?!?! Am I your great-great-great-great-great-great-great...”
When it became apparent that Braxton was going to keep repeating “great” until the end of time, Daniels clocked him over the head. “No, you’re not my ancestor, and I thank the Great Bird of the Galaxy every day for that! I don’t want to divulge the identity the person in question, but it is imperative that Vosk not kill her.”
Braxton, nursing his bruised head, quickly pointed at Daniels. “Aha! It’s a her! That narrows it down to whatshername and the other three!”
Ducane rolled his eyes. “Yar, Dax, Kes, and Xaronna, sir?”
“Actually, sir, there are a whole bunch of other females on the ship. It’s just that they’re all nameless extras and therefore irrelevant.”
Daniels tried to regain control of the conversation. “Since you’re already involved, I guess I might as well put you to use. Vosk’s ship should still be damaged, so the Relativity should be able to disable it with ease. We’ll take Vosk and the rest of the Alien Nazi Space Vampires into custody and that’ll end one of the most dangerous fronts of the Temporal Cold War.”
Braxton asked, “What about Silik?”
“We’ll work with him for now, but keep an eye on him. I suspect he and Future Guy have their ulterior motives.”
While the Relativity barrelled through the timestream, Vosk was having a merry old time on his still-damaged vessel. He was taunting Galvatron, who was sitting behind a forcefield in a cell in Vosk’s brig. “That’ll teach you to mess with the Alien Nazi Space Vampires!”
Galvy futily fired off a few shots at the forcefield. “You’ll never get away with this!”
Vosk tented his fingers in typical Mr. Burns fashion. “Actually, I’ve already gotten away with it! You see, I purposely laughed maniacally to lure you here! That’s how my crew was able to subdue you so easily!”
Galvy, however, was not impressed. “I see. Well then, you’ve forced me to use my secret weapon!”
He punched a few buttons on his cannon and then fired again. Instead of his typical energy weapon, it instead functioned as a really bright lightbulb. Vosk recoiled in horror, and it was Galvatron’s turn to laugh maniacally. “Bwahahahaha! My particle cannon also doubles as a solar beam, and we all know vampires are destroyed by sunlight!”
Vosk, however, was not being destroyed. “Fool! I’m an Alien Nazi Space Vampire! Sunlight cannot damage me! However, as a science geek, I have an aversion to sunlight. Nice try, though. But don’t worry... I think the rescue party will be here momentarily... Bwahahahaha!”
Enraged by the maniacal laughing, Galvatron flung himself at Vosk, but harmlessly bounced off the forcefield.
A short time later, the Relativity emerged from the timestream back in the 29th Century near the creepy “Dead Stop” station. Vosk’s ship was still there and still under repair.
Daniels pointed at the Alien Nazi Space Vampire ship. “Bring all weapons to bear on that ship!”
Braxton shoved Daniels out of the way. “This is my ship and I’ll give the orders around here! Bring all weapons to bear on that ship... And... Wait. They have a bear on that ship? And why would we bring all our weapons to a bear? Is it an Alien Nazi Space Bear?”
Dax’s console started playing the Legend of Zelda theme. “Sir, Vosk is hailing us.”
“Wait, sir. I haven’t even gotten to the evil part yet.”
“Oh. Sorry, go ahead.”
“He called collect.”
”The... Wait. How are we going to accept the charges if the Federation doesn’t use money?”
“That’s what’s so evil about it, sir.”
”The fiend! Put him onscreen.”
Vosk’s evil Alien Nazi Space Face appeared on the main viewscreen. “Hello, Daniels.”
Braxton pouted in his chair while Daniels returned the witty Seinfeld reference. “Hello, Vosk. Your plan has failed. Give yourself up.”
“I don’t think so. You see, unless you give up your ancestor to me right now, I’m going to kill Galvatron!”
And with that, the screen split, showing Galvatron fuming in his cell. Literally. He had fired his cannon so often that it overheated and was giving off fumes.
Braxton scoffed. “Big deal. He’s just a recurring character. He shows up once or twice a season, laughs maniacally several times, and then leaves. No big loss.”
Daniels, however, was noticably shaken. “Very well. I’ll beam her over momentarily.”
Ducane asserted his presence. “I know my role of ‘straight man’ has been usurped by Daniels for this three-parter, but I have to ask... If you want to get rid of Daniels, why don’t you just have him beam over?”
Vosk replied, “I’m a villain! All my plans have to be unnecessarily complicated! Vosk out!”
As soon as Vosk vanished from the viewscreen, Ducane asked, “Okay, why does Galvatron have to live?”
“Because if Galvatron dies, Robo-Nechayev will go on a rampage and destroy the Master Temporal Obseratory, crippling the Federation’s ability to fight the Temporal Cold War, and thus ending all of time as we know it.”
“Oh. Well, I guess that is bad. So... Who is your ancestor here, anyway?”
Several minutes later, Vosk and a horde of Alien Nazi Space Vampire guards dragged little Suzy (the know-it-all half-Vulcan half-Andorian girl from a few episodes ago) into the cell beside Galvatron’s. Needless to say, she was not happy. “What the heck is going on? I only had a one-episode contract! There are child labor laws, you know!”
Vosk laughed maniacally. “Bwahahaha! Now that I have you, I can totally eliminate Daniels from the space-time continuum! But first, I’m going to go gloat some more!”
After Vosk and his goons left, Galvatron eyed his neighbor. “So... Wanna play Tic-Tac-Toe?”
Suzy shook her head. “Nah. I’d rather play Limbo.” And with that, Suzy flattened herself out and slipped under the forcefield of her cell. She looked back at Galvatron, winked, and then turned into Silik.
Now it was Galvy’s turn to laugh manically. “Bwahahaha! Are you the rescue party?”
Silik disabled the forcefield holding in Galvy. “Does that answer your question?”
“I suppose so. Shall we find a transporter and get out of here?”
“Sound good to me.”
One of Vosk’s nameless Alien Nazi Space Vampire goons came rushing onto the bridge. “Sir, Galvatron and the little girl broke out of their cells and beamed back over to the Relativity!”
“And the little girl wasn’t even a little girl! She was a guy with really bad skin!”
“So if they’re gone, what’s keeping the Relativity from blowing us to smithereens?”
On cue, the Relativity began firing on the defenseless Alien Nazi Space Vampire ship. “Triple drat! We’ve got to get out of here! Everybody to the Stealth Time Travel Portal!”
“Wait... We have a Stealth Time Travel Portal? How come we didn’t know about it?”
“Because it’s a Stealth Time Travel Portal. We’ll go to a time and place so hackneyed in Star Trek that no-one will ever think to look for us there!”
Vosk’s ship exploded in a blinding flash of light. The brain-eating station it was attached to also took major damage, but it began rebuilding itself almost instantly.
Everybody on the Relativity cheered, except for Daniels, who was looking at what must have been a 31st Century PADD of some kind. “He got away. That jerk had some kind of Stealth Time Travel Portal.”
Dax asked, “How come we couldn’t detect it?”
“Because it’s a Stealth Time Travel Portal. Anyway, I need to go track him down and finish this.”
Braxton nodded. “Indeed. We’ll help.”
“Oh no you won’t. I’ll get somebody remotely competent, like Archer. See you later.”
And with that, Daniels walked through the turbolift doors and vanished.
Meanwhile, Silik was subtly receiving orders via a tiny trans-temporal transmitter. The voice of Future Guy rang in his head. “Stealth Time Travel? Sounds interesting. You know what to do...”
Silik managed to slowly make his way to the temporal transporter and set coordinates for Archer’s Enterprise before Damar noticed him. “Hey, what’s the evil lackey doing?”
Before anyone could stop him, Silik beamed away to a time and space unknown...
And then “Storm Front” occurred. Best not to think about the details.
Some time later, onboard the Master Temporal Observatory, Galvatron was reunited with Robo-Nechayev. “Heya, honeybunch.”
Do not flatter the Robo-Nechayev. We are going to have a “chat” about your running off everytime someone laughs maniacally.
The Relativity crew turned their attention to the Observatory’s holographic display, which was still almost entirely red. The Doctor asked, “So what do we do now?”
Kes took a closer look. “Nothing, apparently. Look.”
The hologram was changing back to green almost as fast as it had changed to red. Braxton asked, “What just happened?”
Ducane checked the controls. “I’m not quite sure, but I think a nonsensical and poorly-written event just ended the Temporal Cold War.”
After a few seconds of awkward silence, Braxton shrugged. “Works for me.”
Ever wonder what would have happened to the Braxton Time Loop had Q never intervened? No? Too bad. You’re going to find out anyway.