Episode 139: “Opposites Attack”
Written by “Krenim”
Published May 6, 2007
Should you need to refresh your memory, the first encounter with the Mirror Universe took place in the second season episode “Reflective Surface, Reflective Surface”.
Captain Braxton smacked his lips as he stared hungrily at the gigantic hasperat sitting on his plate. “Yummy.”
T’Lenol, however, was not in such a good mood, and it was even managing to show through her usual Vulcan calm. Ever since Braxton’s restupidification, she had been assigned to watch him and make sure he didn’t do anything truly crazy. Not that that wasn’t her job in the first place, but now it was a lot more annoying. “Sir, you shouldn’t try to cram that entire thing in your mouth like that.”
“Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph.” Braxton was completely unintelligible with the hasperat half-sticking out of his mouth, but T’Lenol was certain that he had tried to say, “No, I shouldn’t try to cram this entire thing in my mouth like this.”
T’Lenol finally had enough. “Computer, deactivate program T’Lenol.”
Unable to comply.
Her eyebrow raised. “Unable to comply?”
If the rest of us have to put up with him, so do you.
After the meal, Braxton and T’Lenol started heading back towards the bridge. On the way, Braxton waved to one of the passers-by. “Hi, Ducane!”
Once again, the fact that his comatose first officer just went walking by didn’t register with Braxton’s brain. T’Lenol, however, grabbed Braxton and went chasing after Ducane.
The two stopped Ducane and looked over him. After a few seconds, T’Lenol whipped out a phaser rifle and pointed it at Ducane. “Sir, this isn’t Ducane!”
Braxton looked more confused than usual. “Are you sure? He doesn’t have a lit-up number on his chest this time.”
Sure enough, he didn’t.
T’Lenol pointed to the Ducane imposter’s face. “But he has a goatee.”
“He’s the evil Ducane from the Mirror Universe.”
“A goatee doesn’t prove anything.”
“There’s also the nametag he’s wearing that says ‘Hi, my name is Mirror Ducane.’”
Mirror Ducane slapped his own forehead. “D’oh! I knew I was forgetting something!”
A short time later, the Relativity crew assembled in the brig, where Mirror Ducane was being held in one of the cells.
Yar sighed. “So, is this the new running joke? You two walk down a hallway and see Ducane, only it’s not?”
T’Lenol responded. “I hope not. This is only the second time it’s happened and it’s already getting old.”
Mirror Ducane raised his eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “So... I’m not around anymore, and T’Lenol of all people is the new first officer? How... interesting.”
It was T’Lenol’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “I take it that I not only have a Mirror Universe counterpart, but that you know her?”
“Oh yes, I know her very well. Wink wink, nudge nudge. In fact, most of the men on the ship know her very well. Wink wink, nudge nudge.”
Braxton responded, “I don’t get it.”
Ignoring the captain, Dax asked, “Okay, so we’re having another innuendo-loaded Mirror Universe episode. Can you at least tell us whether the Mirror T’Lenol is a hologram or not? Five hundred years later, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the whole Mirror Vic Fontaine thing.”
“Yes, she’s a hologram.”
Kes rolled her eyes. “If we’re done playing Q&A with the bad guy, perhaps we should find out what he’s doing here?”
Braxton answered, “No, we should find out what he’s doing here.”
Mirror Ducane smirked. “Is it just me, or is he dumber than last time?”
Everyone (except for Braxton himself) replied, “It’s not just you.”
“As for what I’m doing here, I’ll tell you nothing.”
T’Lenol responded, “Then you can stay in there until we reach the Federation Maximum Security Prison, where you can keep the evil crew of the evil Excelsior company. At least until they escape again.”
“Speaking of which, I understand I have you to thank for returning the Mirror Excelsior to our universe.”
Not picking up on the sarcasm, Braxton replied, “You’re welcome!”
Several hours later, Yar walked back into the brig, where Mirror Ducane was still cooling his heels. “Dinner time.”
“Oh goody. So where’s my gruel?”
“Actually, the author recently rewatched ‘Repentance,’ and it turns out that we’re not only obligated to feed prisoners, but we have to feed them good food. So, I replicated one of our Ducane’s favorite foods.”
Yar whipped out a phaser rifle.
Mirror Ducane raised a mirror eyebrow in typical mirror Vulcan fashion. “Your Ducane eats phaser rifles?”
“Oops. Sorry. Force of habit.”
Yar whipped out a hamburger.
“A hamburger? You do realize that I’m the opposite of your Ducane, right? I like the opposite of a hamburger.”
Yar flipped the hamburger upside down. “Better?”
“Much. However, I don’t feel much like eating right now. Instead, I feel like escaping.”
And with that, Mirror Ducane stepped right through his cell’s force field and knocked Yar out cold.
Mirror Ducane grinned evilly. “Well, there’s one...”
A short time later, Dax’s console started beeping. After a little while, Damar asked, “You gonna check that, Dax?”
Dax, however, was not on the bridge. For that matter, neither were Yar, Kes, Xaronna, or T’Lenol. Damar sighed. “Fine, I guess I’ll check that.”
“No, you’d better check that, Damar.”
Damar rolled his eyes and checked Dax’s console. “Captain, there’s an unauthorized transport in progress. Oh no! It’s Mirror Ducane! He’s escaped and... and...”
“Well, spit it out! What’s so horrible?”
“Sir, we’ve officially stooped to the lamest of all plots... The bad guy was here to... steal our women!”
The turbolift door opened and the Doctor stepped onto the bridge. “Hey, where is everybody?”
Damar shouted, “Mirror Ducane escaped!”
“Of course he did. What else do you think a subdermal subspace disruptor is for?”
“What?! You knew he had one of those things and you didn’t take it out of him?!”
“Starfleet Medical Protocol 47 clearly states that, in the event that the episode’s plot depends on a hidden implant, that its presence not be revealed until after it’s been used. Otherwise, we’d never have episodes like ‘Basics’ or ‘Warlord’ or...”
Captain Braxton rose from his seat. “Fine, whatever! Damar, set the transporter to take us to the Mirror Universe! We’re going after the women!”
Meanwhile, Dax, Yar, Kes, Xaronna, and T’Lenol awoke to find themselves prisoners in the Mirror Universe. Mirror Ducane smirked evilly from the other side of the force field. “So, you’re awake. Just in time, too...”
Mirror Braxton, Mirror Damar, and Mirror Doctor all strode into their brig. Hanging on Mirror Doctor’s shoulder was the Mirror Universe version of T’Lenol, who was quite different to say the least. Instead of a uniform, she was clad in the Princess Leia golden bikini outfit, and was definitely not programmed to be a first officer...
Mirror T’Lenol looked at her counterpart through the force field. “Gosh, she looks just like me, tee hee!”
T’Lenol raised her eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “Did she just say ‘tee hee’?”
Her fellow captives nodded.
“I think this is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Captain Braxton eat.”
Yar banged on the force field with her fists. “Why have you taken us prisoner?”
Mirror Braxton responded, “So that we can... uh... Mirror Ducane, why did we take them prisoner?”
Mirror Ducane rolled his eyes. “We took them prisoner because all our women are... well... you know...”
Dax responded, “But last time Braxton and Ducane were here, they said...”
Kes shouted at the Mirror Universe crew, “You’ll never get away with this! Captain Braxton will save us!”
Everyone stared at Kes.
”Someone! Someone will save us!”
Braxton, Damar, and the Doctor appeared on the Mirror Relativity in a flash of blue light. Braxton looked around. “Hey, this place looks familiar. I think I’ve been here before.”
The Doctor was about to make a sarcastic comment that, yes, it would look familiar, when he noticed the same thing. “Hey... This is the Relativity-G!”
Damar nodded. “Of course. Our Excelsior brought the Fortyseventhspace aliens along with them, which led to the destruction of our Relativity-G. Their Excelsior didn’t.”
The trio started searching around the ship for their missing compatriots. However, it wasn’t long before they were spotted... by Mirror Kes. “Hey, you’re not Mirror Braxton!”
Braxton tried to improvise. “Uh... Yes I am?”
“You don’t have a goatee, and you’re not wearing your nametag that says ‘Hi, my name is Mirror Braxton.’ So, what are you doing here?”
“Your Ducane stole our women.”
“Wait. We’re actually reduced to using the worst sci-fi plot ever?”
Damar sighed. “I guess we just have to go along with it. So... Any idea why he took our women?”
“Uh... No idea.”
Damar and the Doctor looked at each other knowingly, but Braxton didn’t pick up on the hesitation.
Kes continued, “But I bet they’re in the brig. Let’s go get them and get you back to your universe.”
“No, let’s go get them and get us back to our universe.”
On the way, Braxton asked, “Why do you keep helping us? After all, you helped me escape last time I was here.”
“Because we in the Mirror Universe hate it when you all show up here. You’re nothing but trouble. If you don’t get back to your universe, sooner or later, others will come looking for you and start messing with our Empire. Again.”
Several minutes later, they arrived in the brig, where everyone was still imprisoned. Mirror Kes released the force field. Watching everyone happily leave their cell, she asked, “Who’s the Vulcan?”
Dax responded, “You don’t know who she is?”
Yar whispered the explanation to Mirror Kes, who smiled wickedly. “Like I said, we don’t like you interfering in our business, but I think we can make one small exception before I transport you back to your universe...”
A few minutes later, the evil Mirror Braxton was seated in his thronelike captain’s chair, with the scantily-clad T’Lenol whispering sweet nothings in his ear. All of a sudden, something started happening to her program, as she started flickering in and out. When it stopped, she was suddenly in a normal Mirror Universe uniform, and her ditzy personality had been replaced by the Vulcan norm. The Mirror T’Lenol rose to her feet, and a holographic frying pan appeared in her hand.
The horrified Mirror Braxton’s eyes went wide. “This is gonna hurt...”
If you thought “Endgame” was bad...
*shot of Admiral Janeway*
Prepare yourself for something worse!
*shot of Trip Tucker*
Series ? takes on “These Are the Voyages...” in...
Episode 140: “Tuckered Out, Part I”