Episode 143: “Large and In Charge, Part II”
Written by “Krenim”
Published October 27, 2008
Previously on Star Trek: Series ?, T’Lenol’s holographic Vulcan patience was beginning to fracture under the strain of putting up with Captain Braxton. Fortunately for her, Joe and Admiral Crusher summoned the Relativity crew to Starfleet Command, where everyone assumed Joe had come up with a cure for Ducane’s coma. What nobody expected was that Joe instead had come up with a cure for Braxton’s temporal psychosis! After undergoing the procedure, the now clear-headed Braxton received orders from Crusher to save the universe from a new Romulan threat. And now the continuation...
“Captain’s Log: Stardate 558447.532...”
“Sir, you can’t do that!”
“I can’t do what, Dax?”
“You can’t give the stardate!”
“And why not?”
“Because it’s a running gag!”
“Let me tell you something, Dax! You all may have gotten away with running this ship like some kind of bad parody fanfiction for the past six years, but that’s over now!”
Xaronna, who was sitting at her usual place at the helm, muttered under her breath, “That’s what you think...”
Her finger went to tap the button that would deliver an unpleasant electric shock to her captain, but Braxton’s voice interrupted her. “And I wouldn’t bother with that button, Xaronna. I’ve had it disconnected.”
Xaronna’s jaw dropped so far that it actually hit said button. Braxton was indeed correct that it was no longer functional.
“Yes indeed, things are going to be different. Now where was I...? Oh yes, the captain’s log. Starfleet Intelligence has determined that the Romulans have invented some sort of new ultimate weapon. My mission is to stop the Romulans from deploying this weapon. There are no further details on exactly what sort of weapon this is, but I have no doubt that the situation is one of the utmost seriousness...”
Meanwhile on Romulus...
The new Romulan Praetor (the old one having been reduced to crumbly stone way back in “When on Romulus...") held up a comically large pink cylinder. “At long last, the Comically Large Magic Eraser is mine to command! Bwahammphmmph...”
Sela XIV had put her hand over the Praetor’s mouth to shut him up. “My liege, you mustn’t laugh maniacally like that!”
“And why not?”
“Because legends tell of a big purple robot that beats people up for laughing maniacally!”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Something like that could only happen in a bad parody fanfiction.”
“This is a bad parody fanfiction. If this show was grounded in any sort of reality, I would have been executed two years ago for helping Evil Doctor stage a coup against your predecessor.”
“So that’s why I haven’t had you executed...”
“Exactly. Now, you were gloating about your new superweapon?”
“Yes, I was! This Comically Large Magic Eraser will allow us to erase any special effect we want!”
“What good is that?”
“Are you kidding? Practically everything in Star Trek these days is a special effect, especially starships! With one wave of the Comically Large Magic Eraser, entire fleets will cease to exist!”
“That’s so stupid it just might work!”
“Just wait, it gets even stupider!”
Before Sela could explain that she was being sarcastic, the Praetor continued. “You will take the Comically Large Magic Eraser back in time to the 23rd Century. Specifically, you’ll be going back to the episode ‘Balance of Terror.’ Once there, you’ll erase the Enterprise from history, thereby ensuring Romulan domination of the Alpha Quadrant!”
“Uh... Then why not go back to the Romulan Wars and erase the Earth fleet from history? Or go even further back to the Vulcan Civil War and erase Surak and his CGI armies from history? That would make more sense.”
“What part of ‘Just wait, it gets even stupider!’ do you not understand?”
Sela muttered several Romulan obscenities under her breath, grabbed the Comically Large Magic Eraser, and headed towards the nearest Romulan timeship...
Meanwhile, as the Relativity hurdled at hyperwarp towards the Neutral Zone, several of the ship’s senior staff gathered for an impromptu meeting in the mess hall...
Dax slammed her fist on the table. “He gave the stardate!”
Xaronna slammed her fist on the table. “He disconnected my zappy button!”
Kes slammed her fist on the table. “He made me wear a normal Starfleet uniform, thereby making this episode a parody of ‘Chain of Command’ and further pigeonholing me into the role of Troi!”
Damar motioned for calm. “People, we’re forgetting something very important. This thing will never stick.”
Yar raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that Braxton won’t stay smart. This being the bad parody fanfiction that it is, most of the humor is based on Braxton’s stupidity. I bet you anything that during the course of this Romulan crisis, he reverts back to his usual dimwitted self at the worst possible moment and yet somehow manages to inexplicably luck out and save the day anyway!”
Damar’s logic (if you could call it that) seemed to make sense to the grumbling crew, but their relief was short-lived. Braxton’s voice came over the comm. All senior officers report to the bridge.
On the bridge, Captain Braxton sat in his chair looking intently at the viewscreen. By his side was T’Lenol, who, since Braxton’s transformation, was looking as happy as a Vulcan was capable of looking.
Minutes later, the rest of the senior staff arrived on the bridge. They eyed Braxton intently, looking for any signs that their captain had lost a few IQ points. They saw no such signs, so they went to their posts.
Braxton pointed to the viewscreen. “Federation long-range temporal sensors have picked up a chroniton signature near Romulus. This can’t be a coincidence.”
Dax checked the sensors. “Temporal anomaly confirmed. Signature matches that of known Romulan timeships.”
“Can you determine its destination timeframe?”
Dax punched a few buttons. “Stardate 1709.1, Romulan Neutral Zone.”
Braxton thought for a moment until he noticed Damar was staring at him over his shoulder. “Having trouble thinking, sir?”
“No, Damar, I am not. Now stop looking at me like that. It’s weird.”
Damar went back to his station, and Braxton continued his thinking. “That would be the episode ‘Balance of Terror,’ would it not?”
T’Lenol nodded. “Indeed, Captain.”
“The Romulans must be attempting to use their new superweapon to alter the events of that episode. Xaronna, set a course for that same timeframe.”
Xaronna punched a few buttons, and the ship vanished into the timestream.
At the same time, Sela was sitting in her command chair looking at the Comically Large Magic Eraser in her hands. “Hmm... I wonder if this thing’s ever been tested...”
She glanced up at the timestream special effects that were on the viewscreen, momentarily entertaining the idea of erasing them. She then quickly decided it was probably not a good idea to erase the timestream while they were actually in it.
One of the nameless Romulan flunkies interrupted Sela’s musings. “Ma’am?”
“It’s not crunch time yet, nameless flunky. I’ll tell you when.”
Across time and space, at Starfleet’s Master Temporal Observatory...
Galvatron, looking quite disoriented, walked up to his wife. “Dear, I’m not feeling so well.”
WHAT PLAGUES THE HUSBAND OF THE ROBO-NECHAYEV?
“I’ve got the strangest feeling that, somewhere out there, someone is stealing one of Admiral Janeway’s routines.”
THAT IS... ODD.
Sela tapped her fingers waiting for the cut-away scene to end. “Are we back?”
“I believe so.”
“About time. What is it that you want?”
“We’ve picked up another temporal signature on a heading parallel to our own. It appears to be Starfleet in origin.”
Sela smiled wickedly. “Knowing this show, I’m betting that’s Captain Cretin and the Relativity. Perfect.”
“I’ll test the Comically Large Magic Eraser by erasing the Relativity, leaving Braxton floating helplessly in space! Bwahahahaha!”
Across time and space, in the Federation Maximum Security Prison...
Admiral Janeway, who had been slumping in her cell, suddenly snapped upright. “Someone’s... laughing maniacally? Wait, that can’t be right...”
As the Relativity approached the proper space-time coordinates, Braxton began issuing orders. “Prepare to exit the timestream. Standby to cloak as soon as we re-enter normal space. I don’t want the Enterprise or the Bird-of-Prey detecting our presence.”
Dax whispered to Damar, “Did he just actually remember that we have a cloak?”
The ship then exited the timestream and immediately cloaked. Braxton turned to Dax. “Dax, scan for any subspace anomalies. We need to find our Romulan adversaries, and we need to do it fast.”
Dax checked the sensors. “I’m only picking up the cloaked 23rd Century Romulan Bird-of-Prey. No cloaked 29th Century Romulan timeship, though.”
While she was working at it, Dax’s console started playing the Avatar: The Last Airbender theme song. “Uh, sir? We’re being hailed by the Romulans.”
The bridge of the Romulan timeship appeared on the viewscreen, with Sela center stage. Sela continued to smile wickedly. “Hello, Captain Braxton.”
Braxton nodded in mock cordiality. “Sela.”
Sela studied her adversary for a few moments, and then jumped out of her chair. Still focusing on Braxton, her face now took up most of the viewscreen. “Wait... Something’s different about you. There’s something in your eyes. A twinkle? A sparkle? Quick, what’s two plus two?”
“Four. Five for large values of two.”
“Aha! You’re smart! You’re smart? How the heck did that happen?”
“Federation medicine works wonders these days.”
“Well, your recovery is going to be short-lived! Behold the instrument of your doom!”
Sela held the Comically Large Magic Eraser in front of her.
Braxton looked quizzically at Sela’s superweapon. “The new Romulan superweapon is a giant pink marshmallow?”
“It’s an eraser! A Comically Large Magic Eraser! All I have to do is wave it at a special effect, and it will disappear forever!”
“That’s got to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Go back and listen to yourself in previous episodes. I think you’ll find a Comically Large Magic Eraser pales in comparison. But I digress. Goodbye, Captain Braxton!”
And with that, Sela waved the Comically Large Magic Eraser around furiously.
Sela got even madder. “Why won’t this thing work?!”
It was Braxton’s turn to grin. “We’re cloaked. As such, there’s no special effect for the Relativity and thus nothing to erase.”
“Fine! I wanted to test this thing on you first, but I guess I can go ahead and give it a field test on the Enterprise!”
Braxton nonchalantly punched a few buttons on his armrest while Sela screamed at one of her nameless flunkies. “Where’s the Enterprise?!”
The flunky checked the scanners. “I don’t know. It just vanished.”
Braxton responded, “I’ve extended our cloak around the Enterprise. Your gizmo is now useless.”
At this point, Sela was having a full-blown fit, waving her arms around and yelling at everyone and everything around her. The Comically Large Magic Eraser, constantly being activated but having nothing to erase, started smoking. It soon blew up, caking the Romulan bridge in pink goo.
Sela, who had been blown back into her command seat, yelled “I liked you better when you were stupid!” and closed the channel. Seconds later, the Romulan timeship vanished into the timestream.
Braxton turned to Xaronna. “I think our work here is done. Take us home.”
As soon as the Relativity entered the timestream, Braxton got out of his seat and headed towards the turbolift. “Good job, everyone. Now if you will excuse me, there’s a lot I have to catch up on after all these years...”
After the turbolift doors closed, everyone turned to Damar. “What?”
Yar gave him a mean right hook to the jaw. “That’s for getting my hopes up for him getting stupid again! When am I gonna get to blow stuff up if he simply outsmarts the bad guys?”
On the next episode of Series ?, a sinister meeting leads to total chaos!