Episode 30: “The Episodes of Heck, Part III”
Written by “Krenim”
Published April 14, 2001
“Captain’s Log: No, not Captain Braxton! It’s me, Captain Sulu! I am still a captain! Anyway, Damar and I are now captives aboard Annorax’s temporal weapon/ship. We are hoping to convince Annorax’s second-in-command, Obrist, to help us escape from this ship.”
Sulu entered the ship’s bridge, with Damar (drunk yet again) stumbling behind him. The two approached Obrist. Obrist noticed the two, and stopped playing his game. “What do you two want?”
Sulu said, “We want to know if you’d help us escape from this ship.”
Obrist shook his head. “Sorry, I can’t help you guys. I’m too apathetic to do anything these days. This game tried to take control of my mind and make me take over the ship, but that would be too much work. You guys are on your own.”
Annorax’s wife sighed as she wandered onto the bridge. “Another day of being completely ignored by these idiots...”
Damar turned around to face her. “Hey, do you *hic* happen to have any kanar on this ship?”
Annorax’s wife was in shock. “You can see me? You can hear me?”
Sulu turned around as well. “Sure we can. Is there some reason we shouldn’t?”
“It’s just that these morons haven’t so much as acknowledged my existence in over 700 years! My husband, Annorax, is erasing all these planets because he thinks that’ll bring me back, but I’m right here!”
Obrist was puzzled. “Who are you guys talking to?”
However, being the really apathetic guy that he was, he didn’t wait for an answer, and went back to playing his game. Sulu continued talking to Annorax’s wife. “Can you help us get off this ship?”
“Sure! I’ll take you guys down to the temporal core! You can shut down the ship’s temporal shields from there! But I’ll only do it on one condition!”
“Get me off this ship!”
“Deal! Let’s go!”
Meanwhile, back on the Relativity, Captain Braxton was still trying to figure out how the ship would be piloted now that Sulu was gone. “Computer, set a course following the weapon/ship!”
Unable to comply.
You are not a pilot.
“Argh! Ducane, think of something!”
Ducane thought for a second. “Well, sir, none of us know how to pilot a starship, but we do know how to pilot shuttlecraft. We could take the Aeon and the Enterprise-Z after them.”
“Wait a minute... I thought they were both stolen!”
“They were, but we got them back. What, you think we left the Aeon on the Excelsior when we captured it last season, and that we left the Enterprise-Z on Bajor after Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button took it?”
So, the crew headed down to the shuttlebay...
Back on the weapon/ship, Annorax’s wife lead Sulu and Damar to the ship’s temporal core and showed them the controls.
Sulu was grateful. “Thanks, um... Do you even have a name?”
“Nope. All I got was a lousy cameo at the very end of ‘Year of Hell, Part II,’ so The Powers That Be didn’t think of giving me one.”
“Well, how about we call you Xaronna? It’s nothing original, but it’s better than just being called ‘Annorax’s wife’ forever.”
“Yes, it is! Thanks!”
“Well, thanks, Xaronna. Now, we just need to figure out how to get off this ship, restore Risa, and stop Annorax from ever using the temporal weapon again...”
Damar stumbled up to the control panel with a bottle of kanar in his hand. “Hey, I’m the *hic* chief engineer! Let me take a *hic* look at it...”
Meanwhile, Annorax was going through yet another set of temporal calculations when the alarms went off. He looked up at the viewscreen to see two Starfleet shuttles bearing down on his ship. “Obrist, prepare to fire chroniton torpedoes!”
Obrist, however, was sound asleep at his console. Annorax rerouted weapons control to his command station. Before he could fire however, the lead shuttle hailed him.
“This is Captain Braxton! Release Captain Sulu or else we will open fire!”
“Wait a minute... Don’t you want Damar back as well?”
“Well, you can’t have them! Not only that, but attacking me would be futile! My ship’s temporal shields protect us from space-time! Your weapons will have no effect!”
With that, Annorax cut the transmission and opened fire. The weapon/ship began spraying torpedoes in all directions as the Aeon and the Enterprise-Z tried to dodge them.
Back in front of the temporal core, Damar was having absolutely no luck. The massive headache accompanying yet another one of his hangovers was preventing him from thinking straight.
Xaronna tapped into the sensors to find out why the ship had gone to red alert. “You guys, your friends are here! They’re trying to rescue you, but they aren’t having much luck!”
Damar plugged his ears. “Please stop yelling!”
Xaronna shoved Damar out of the way. “I’ll do it myself, you drunkard! You don’t spend 700 years married to a temporal genius on a temporal weapon/ship and not learn a thing or three about temporal physics!”
She brought up the core’s protocols. “I’ll cause a subspace harmonics inversion, then set a delayed temporal variance vortex pulse!”
Sulu scratched his head. “Could you say that in English?”
“I’m going to bring down the shields, giving your friends enough time to beam us out, then set the core to send this ship back to its timeline, which should erase the effects it caused in this timeline, thus restoring Risa!”
“Cool! Do it!”
The Enterprise-Z was bobbing and weaving through the barrage of torpedoes. Captain Braxton looked nauseous. “Would you stop with the bobbing and weaving? I think I’m going to throw up!”
Yar shook her head. “Sorry, sir, but it beats getting blown up! Hey, we’re getting a transmission from the weapon/ship! It’s Sulu!”
“Put it onscreen!”
Sulu’s face appeared on one of the monitors. “Sir, you’re looking a little green around the gills...”
“I have gills?”
“No, sir... It’s a figure of speech. Anyway, we’ve taken care of everything from over here! We just need you to beam the three of us off the weapon/ship when the shields go down!”
“The three of you?”
“Me, Damar, and Xaronna.”
“Isn’t that ‘Annorax’ spelled backwards?”
“Who came up with a stupid name like that?”
“I did, sir.”
“Very well. Transporters are standing by!”
Xaronna entered the final command, shutting down the shields. Seconds later, the three disappeared in a blue flash, and reappeared on the Enterprise-Z.
Annorax’s face came onscreen again. “What have you done to my ship?”
Xaronna answered, “I programmed it to go back to our timeline!”
Annorax scowled. “Well, isn’t anybody going to answer me?”
Xaronna closed the channel seconds before the weapon/ship vanished in a flash of light...
“Captain’s Log: No, it’s not Captain Sulu, it’s Captain Braxton! Anyway, the Krenim weapon/ship has been sent back to its own timeline, and Risa has been restored to normal. Only one thing remains before we can say this plot arc has been wrapped up...”
Ducane and Xaronna walked into Braxton’s ready room. Braxton smiled. “Well, Xaronna, what are you going to do now?”
“Well, first I’m going to file for a quickie Pakled divorce from Mr. Erase-universe-to-bring-back-wife-who-isn’t-gone-at-all. Second, I’d like to become a member of your crew!”
“No, first you’re going to file for a...”
“Uh... I mean, that’s great! We need a few recurring crew members! I’ll give you the rank of ensign and station you in Engineering. I need someone to take over if (and by that, I mean when) Damar passes out.”
Ducane objected. “Sir, this isn’t Voyager. You can’t just arbitrarily give people Starfleet commissions.”
“No, sir. Luckily, I already took the step of sending Xaronna’s request to the disembodied head of Admiral Picard, and I have no doubt he’ll give her a commission.”
“No, I have no doubt he’ll give her a commission. Dismissed.”
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, we’ll either have an episode guest-written by Sol, or the fate of the Excelsior will be revealed!