“First Officer’s Log: We have followed a Borg cube back in time to prevent them from altering history. Unfortunately, Captain Braxton’s Borg implant has not yet regrown to the point where it prevents his little ‘episodes’ near temporal phenomena, so he is now currently yelling at his own toes...”
Ducane tried to shout over Braxton’s ranting. “What is the stardate, Dax?”
Dax checked the scanners. “Stardate 44001.4! That’s the stardate for the first Borg invasion of the Federation!”
“They must be attempting to hook up with the Borg vessel currently holding Captain Picard! Continue pursuit!”
“I can’t do that, sir.”
“And why not?”
“The 29th Century cube has stopped and is turning towards us!”
“Wait a minute... If it’s a cube, and all sides look the same, how can you tell which way it’s facing?”
“Uh... Good point...”
The cube began firing weapons at the Relativity. Even by rotating the shield frequencies, the ship was soon at the mercy of the Borg.
A Borg drone beamed onto the bridge in a flash of light. Several of the crew members fired phasers at it, but they were all deflected.
Ducane stepped forward. “State your objective!”
You will surrender Braxton, Captain of the Timeship Relativity.
The drone watched Braxton for a second as he continued to yell at his own toes. After a look of disgust on the drone’s face, the Collective changed its mind. On second thought... You will surrender... uh... Kes! Yeah, that’s the ticket! You will surrender Kes!
Well, the promo for this episode says we have to take Kes.
“Not necessarily. You know how those promos are...”
Yeah, but in this case it was telling the truth. We are taking Kes. Resistance is futile, yadda yadda yadda...
So the drone grabbed Kes, and the two of them disappeared in a green flash. Seconds later, the cube continued on its way. The Doctor showed up minutes later to administer Braxton’s medication.
Braxton put his shoes back on and thought for a minute. “Ducane, do we have the flight path for the 24th Century cube in our database?”
“Good. Plot an intercept course for it, maximum hyperwarp!”
“But what about the 29th Century cube?”
“Trust me, Ducane, it’ll come to us...”
“How do you know this, sir?”
“Never mind, Ducane! Just do it!”
Meanwhile, the Enterprise-D was in hot pursuit of the 24th Century Borg cube...
“For the last time, Shelby, you can not have my job!”
“Aw... You’re mean!”
Data checked the readings on the scanners. “Sir, I’m reading two ships on an intercept course.”
Riker turned his attention from the obnoxious Shelby to Data. “Two? Identify!”
“One is Starfleet, but I do not recognize the hull configuration.”
“If my readings are accurate, it is another Borg cube.”
“Well, this is just great! I’ll bet this one is going to kidnap me and turn me into a Borg!”
The 29th Century cube dropped out of transwarp and proceeded to dock with the 24th Century cube. Riker gasped. “Oh no! The two Borg cubes have merged to form a Borg rectangular solid!”
Shelby shook her head. “Actually, sir, I think it’s called a rhomboid.”
Worf chimed in. “It is a parallelepiped.”
Riker slammed his fist into his console. “I’m the acting captain, and if I say it’s a rectangular solid, it’s a rectangular solid!”
Worf muttered under his breath, “Your geometry is without honor!”
Meanwhile, at the core of the half of the Borg rectangular solid/rhomboid/parallelepiped that was from the 29th Century, Kes found herself tied to a Borgish-looking table. “Hey, let me out of here!”
The Borg Queen (hereafter to be called Borg Queen #2, seeing as how she’s from the future) stepped out of the shadows. I think not, no...
“Oh great, we have a Borg who thinks she’s Megatron...”
Silence! Soon, we will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own...
“I don’t think so!”
And with that, Kes tried to use her nearly-omnipotent powers to escape the chair. Unfortunately, that didn’t work. Borg Queen #2 laughed. Ha! We bound you with anti-nearly-omnipotent-powers restraints! You’ll not be escaping that way! Besides, it would be rude to leave before our guests arrived...
As if on cue, another Borg Queen (hereafter to be known as Borg Queen #1) and Locutus walked into the chamber. Borg Queen #1 walked up to Borg Queen #2. Who are you?
I am you, from 500 years in the future!
Impossible! You look nothing like me!
You’d be surprised how often I get that. I show my drones my high school yearbook, and they can’t believe that was me...
Shut up! Anyway, why are you here?
I’m here to alter history! You screw up this attempt to assimilate the Federation, so I’m here to make sure you get it right!
Oh, and you have a better track record?
At that point, Borg Queen #2 fell to the ground sobbing, remembering all the times she had been beaten by Voyager...
Back on the Relativity, the crew was trying to come up with a plan to stop the Borg and rescue Kes...
Braxton thought some more. “How about if we fire torpedoes and phasers at the Borg?”
Ducane shook his head. “For the twentieth time, sir, the Borg have adapted to our weapons! That won’t work!”
Yar’s console began to beep. “Sir, the Enterprise-D is hailing us!”
“Yes, sir. You know, I used to serve on that ship...”
“If I want to know about you, Yar, I’ll buy your biography! Anyway, put them onscreen!”
Ducane interrupted. “Sir, contacting them would be a breach of the Temporal Prime Directive. The less they know about their future, the better.”
“Well, if we don’t get some help, there won’t be a future they shouldn’t know about! Wait, did that make sense?”
Ducane pulled out his grammar book entitled Time Travel and Grammar: When Tenses Attack! and skimmed through it. “Actually, sir, I think that does make sense.”
“No, I meant the concept, not the grammar!”
“Oh, well, that makes sense too.”
The Enterprise-D’s bridge appeared on the main screen. “This is Commander Riker! Identify yourselves!”
Braxton read the notes off his hand. “I am Captain Braxton of the Federation Timeship Relativity! You have committed an act of aggression against...”
Ducane whacked Braxton upside the head. “Wrong hand, you moron!”
Braxton switched hands. “Okay, blah blah blah ‘Braxton’ yadda yadda yadda ‘Relativity’... Ah! We are from 500 years in your future pursuing a Borg ship from our time in an attempt to preserve our timeline. Not only that, one of our crewmen has been taken aboard. Perhaps we could work together to overcome this new Borg threat...”
In the background, Shelby could be heard shouting, “Can I have your job?”
Riker ignored his temporary first officer. “I think that’s an excellent idea. We were planning to take a shuttlecraft inside the Borg shielding, beam in, and rescue Picard.”
Braxton thought for a second. “That’s a good idea. Launch your shuttlecraft, and I’ll be beaming over to it momentarily. Braxton out.”
The transmission ended, and Braxton headed for the transporter. Ducane objected. “Sir, this is way too dangerous for you! Allow one of us to go to our certain deaths!”
The other crew members hid to avoid being picked, but Braxton was determined to go by himself. “I have... personal business to attend to. You are in command, Ducane.”
And with that Braxton beamed out...
Meanwhile, back on the Borg whatevertheheckitscalled, Borg Queen #2 had recovered and began telling her past self about what went wrong during the first Borg invasion. So, they got Locutus back and used him to put all the drones to sleep...
Well, I’ll admit Locutus is pretty boring, but he’s not that boring!
No, they routed a command through the Collective!
So, if we keep them from getting Locutus back, we should be able to take over the Federation!
Suddenly, both Borg Queens seemed preoccupied with something. Borg Queen #1 breathed a sigh of relief. It’s just a shuttle. Nothing to be worried about.
Borg Queen #2 was not so fooled. Idiot! That’s how they get aboard to get Locutus! I’ll bet they’ve already beamed aboard!
Sure enough, Data, Worf, and Braxton stormed into the room. Borg Queen #2 smirked at Braxton. You hear our song...
Braxton nodded. “Yes, and I’ll tell you, it’s awfully annoying to hear ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ in your head over and over and over! Hand over Kes and Picard, and we’ll leave peacefully!”
Resistance is futile...
Braxton whipped out a little device. “That’s what you think! I had Dax and Yar whip this little baby up for me! It’ll destroy this entire ship!”
Sure it will...
“It will! You see, ‘The Best of Both Worlds, Part II’ established that the Borg Collective uses subspace signals similar to a transporter beam! This device incorporates a transporter scrambler, a signal modulator, and a Pentium 4 chip to cut off this ship from the Collective! The ship will fall apart, and you’ll all be destroyed!”
Egads! Not a Pentium 4 chip! Okay, take them!
So, everyone got away, but not before Braxton beamed the device back onto the Borg whatchamacallit, causing it to explode.
Back on the Relativity, Braxton was thinking very hard when Ducane interrupted him. “Sir, what’s the matter?”
“Well, Ducane, we may have saved the Federation, but we’ve radically altered the timeline by doing so. I’m trying to think of how we might fix the damage.”
“Already taken care of, sir.”
“First Officer’s Private Log, Supplemental. I have received a delayed transmission dated from the 24th Century from myself. Apparently, a Borg invasion of the Federation is imminent. In order to preserve the timeline, I am to shut Captain Braxton up before he reveals there is a huge fleet led by Admiral Picard waiting to destroy the incoming cube. Then, the cube will never go back in time and will never alter history. Neat little reset button, don’t you think?”
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, we will definitely be seeing Sol’s episode, because (as I said) I won’t be doing an episode for quite a while.