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Episode 37: “Reflective Surface, Reflective Surface”

Written by “Krenim”

Published August 27, 2001

“Captain’s Log: While continuing our search for temporal fugitives, we have become caught in an ion storm. I think I should order the crew to abandon ship.”

“Sir, we have 29th Century shields. The ion storm can’t damage us in the slightest.”

“Shut up, Ducane! Do you have to spoil all of the action for this series?”

“Just the pointless action, sir.”

“Okay, fine. We’ll just stay here and wait for the storm to pass.”

Suddenly, the ship began to shake. Sulu’s teacup fell to the floor and shattered into little pieces. Braxton sighed. “Is that your last teacup, Sulu?”

Sulu pointed to the giant cardboard box next to his console, reached inside it, and pulled out another teacup. “It pays to be prepared...”

Ducane interrupted. “Sir, don’t you think we should find out what’s going on?”

“Uh... Yeah, I guess. We don’t have anything better to do right now. Dax, what’s going on?”

“A Level 32 inverse quantum pulse just hit us, sir.”

“A Level 32 inverse quantum pulse? Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure, sir.”

“It’s not a Level 47 inverse quantum pulse?”

“Oh... Yeah, my mistake. It’s a Level 47 inverse quantum pulse.”

“That’s better. What was the origin?”

“Unknown, sir, but it’s outside the storm.”

“Well, then I guess we’ll never know where it came from...”

“We could leave the storm, sir...”

“We could?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Then why the heck haven’t we left it before now?”

“Because you didn’t give the order, sir. You are the captain...”

Sulu turned around. “I’m a captain, too!”

Braxton rolled his eyes. “Yes, Sulu, but I’m the captain of the Relativity. You were the captain of the Excelsior, but then stuff happened and now you’re not.”

“Well, what am I the captain of?”

“Nothing. *cough*Loser!*cough*”

While Sulu proceeded to have another one of his crying fits, the Relativity left the ion storm. What was waiting for them outside totally shocked them.

Braxton rubbed his eyes in disbelief. “That’s the ugliest ship I’ve ever seen! What kind of ship is that?”

Ducane sighed. “That’s a Wells-class ship, sir.”

“Eew... Our ship really looks like that?”

“Yes, sir.”

Sulu grinned wickedly. “*cough*Loser!*cough*”

Dax double-checked the readings. “Sir, that’s not just a Wells-class ship, that’s the Relativity!”

Braxton pointed at the ship. “No, no, no. It’s quite obviously a fake. It’s supposed to be the USS Relativity, not the ISS Relativity. The guy who made that must have been an idiot!”

Ducane shook his head. “Sir, that means that’s the mirror Relativity! We must have been sucked into the mirror universe by the interaction of the ion storm and the inverse quantum pulse!”

“Hmm... I guess that explains the title for this episode.”

Yar said, “Sir, the other Relativity is hailing us.”

“Very well, put it onscreen.”

Mirror Braxton appeared onscreen. “I am Mirror Braxton, mirror captain of the mirror Relativity! You are now the prisoners of the Terran Empire!”

Ducane interjected. “Uhm... Wasn’t the Terran Empire overthrown by the Klingons and Cardassians centuries ago?”

Mirror Braxton shook his head. “No, I don’t think that ever happened.”

Mirror Ducane shouted from the background, “Yes, it did, you moron!”

“It did?”

“Yes! The Empire was conquered, but was re-established after the defeat of the Alliance!”

“Really?”

“Yes! The first act of the new empire was to subject Spock to the most horrible agony imaginable for bringing about the end of the old empire.”

“Being forced to listen to George Lucas’ deranged reasoning behind the Episode II subtitle for hours on end?”

“Exactly!”

Ducane muttered to himself, “Braxton’s a moron in both universes...”

Finally, Mirror Braxton turned back to the viewscreen. “Anyway, you must surrender to me!”

Braxton shouted, “Give me a minute!”

“Very well, you have fifty seconds.”

“Hey, a minute is forty seconds!”

“Right, okay. You have forty seconds!”

Braxton whispered to Ducane. “What do you think I should do, Ducane?”

“I think we should try fighting them first before we surrender. I mean, how dangerous could they be with someone just as moronic as you in command?”

Braxton turned back to his counterpart. “We’re not going to surrender!”

Mirror Braxton turned to Mirror Ducane. “They’re not surrendering! What do I do now?”

“We use the secret weapon!”

“The secret weapon? We have a secret weapon?”

“Well, if you knew about it, it wouldn’t be secret, now would it?”

“I suppose not...”

So, a huge beam of energy streamed from the mirror Relativity. The ship shook and consoles exploded. Yar checked the damage reports. “Sir, shields and propulsion are offline!”

Suddenly, Braxton and Ducane were beamed off the ship. Sulu quickly shouted out, “I call dibs on Braxton’s chair!”


Braxton and Ducane materialized in the mirror Relativity’s transporter room. They found themselves completely surrounded by armed troops lead by Mirror Yar and Mirror Ducane.

Yar smiled wickedly. “At last, my love, we’ve captured them!”

The two of them began making out right there. Braxton interrupted them. “Uhm... Excuse me?”

Mirror Yar looked up at Braxton and scowled. “What do you want?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m making out with my boyfriend!”

“Boyfriend?”

“Yes, boyfriend.”

“Well, I’ve seen the DS9 mirror universe episodes, and aren’t all the women of the mirror universe supposed to be... well... you know...”

“No, I don’t know.”

“Sure you do.”

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.”

Braxton, confused more than usual, dropped the subject.

Mirror Ducane and Mirror Yar led their prisoners down a corridor. Braxton continued asking questions. “So, is there a Mirror Evil Braxton?”

Mirror Ducane nodded. “Yeah, but he got sucked into another universe.”

“The mirror Babylon 5 universe?”

“There is no mirror Babylon 5 universe! At least, not that I know of...”

“Then where is he?”

“The Farscape universe!”

“No, not that!”

“Yes, that! The nimrod apparently accidentally stepped on some sort of probe-injecting device, and now he has a neural clone of Scorpius in his head. I would almost feel sorry for the guy, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m Mirror Ducane, and therefore, evil.”

Finally, they reached the ship’s brig, and Braxton and Ducane were placed behind a forcefield. Braxton sighed. “Well, this is just great...”

“I don’t like being locked up, either, sir.”

“No, not that! I was sure that all the women of the mirror universe were...”

“Can we please focus on getting out of here, sir?”

“Fine...”


“Meanwhile, back on the mirror bridge of the mirror Relativity, Mirror Ducane and Mirror Yar returned. Mirror Ducane sat down next to Mirror Braxton. “Sir, we’ve imprisoned Braxton and Ducane. Shall we proceed with the next phase of our plan?”

“Yes, but remind me what that plan was again...”

“We were going to take over the other Relativity, kill the crew, learn their secrets, and then take over their Federation!”

“Cool!”

“Indeed, sir.”

“Mirror Yar, open a channel!”

Sulu appeared onscreen. Mirror Braxton looked confused. “What are you doing in the captain’s chair?”

I’m a captain!

“Sure, Sulu, sure... Anyway, we’re going to be taking over your ship and killing your crew.”

“I don’t think so. We have restored shields!”

Mirror Braxton turned back to Mirror Ducane. “Now what do we do?”

“We use the secret weapon again!”

“Excellent!”

Mirror Ducane looked around. “Hey, where is Mirror Kes, anyway?”


Back in the mirror brig of the mirror Relativity, Ducane was still trying to figure out a way to escape. Braxton, however, was occupied with other things. “47 bottles of sythehol on the wall, 47 bottles of synthehol! Take one down, pass it around...”

“Would you please shut up, sir?”

“Fine...”

Suddenly Mirror Kes walked into the brig and deactivated the forcefield. “Quick, you guys have to get back to your ship and go back to your own universe! Follow me!”

Ducane raised an eyebrow. “And why should we trust you?”

“Because if our crew takes over your ship, Mirror Ducane will kill my boyfriend!”

“Who’s your boyfriend?”

“Mirror Braxton! He wants to kill him so he can rule your universe alone!”

“What makes you think that?”

“The fact that he’s been wearing a T-Shirt that says ‘I came up with an evil plan to rule the other universe by taking over the Relativity and killing Mirror Braxton and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt!’”

So, the three of them made it back to the transporter room. Braxton and Ducane stepped onto the transporter pad. Mirror Kes operated the controls. “When you get back, go back into the ion storm and have your Kes cause a Level 32 inverse quantum pulse!”

Braxton interrupted. “Don’t you mean a Level 47 inverse quantum pulse?”

“Oh yeah...”

“And while you’re at it, could you answer a question for me?”

“Fine.”

“What the heck happened to the fact that all women in the mirror universe are...”

And in mid-question, Mirror Kes activated the transporter and the two disappeared. Seconds later, Mirror Yar strolled in. “Are they gone?”

“Yes, finally.”

“Excellent.”

And with that, they proceeded to make out with each other...


UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, mayhem and chaos reign on the Excelsior! Well, more than usual at least...

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.