“Evil Captain’s Evil Log: Yes, we’re still stuck in the Babylon 5 universe... The Apocalypse Box has provided yet another lead on a way back home. This time, it’s apparently an order of Technomages who may have the ability to open dimensional rifts. It’ll take a while to reach their settlement, and in the meantime, I have other things to deal with...”
Most of the Excelsior senior staff piled into the ready room. Once the door shut, Evil Braxton made sure no one else could enter. “Computer, seal ready room door. Authorization Evil Braxton Epsilon Sugarcone Woodchuck Widget.”
The computer’s voice chimed, Door sealed.
But that’s a really stupid authorization code.
“Be quiet, or else I’ll have Dukat rearrange your isolinear chips!”
Sorry, I’ll be good.
Evil Braxton turned to those assembled. “My crew, we face a dire threat.”
Valtane began screaming. “No, not cancellation! Not cancellation!”
“No, not that, you moron!”
Rand interjected. “Sir, shouldn’t everyone be here? Where’s Bester, Dark Helmet, and Yoda?”
“That’s the dire threat. When Bester first came aboard during the last ‘Excelsior episode,’ he knocked Sisko unconscious.”
“Uh, sir... He’s Hawk, not Sisko.”
“Whatever! Anyway, I ordered him taken down to Sickbay to be treated, but he apparently never made it there. Hawk... is missing!”
Ominous music filled the air. Evil Braxton looked around. “Where’s that music coming from?”
Valtane pointed at the wall. “The ready room is right next to the ship’s music hall, sir.”
Evil Braxton tapped his communicator. “Evil Braxton to music hall. Stop the music!”
The music stopped.
The captain resumed his speech. “Not only that, but I suspect Bester is going to try to take over the ship with the help of Dark Helmet and Yoda!”
Dukat asked, “What makes you think Dark Helmet and Yoda are helping him, sir?”
“Because, as a natural born leader, I am simply able to tell what people are up to. That, and the fact that they’ve changed their answering machine messages... Computer, play Yoda’s answering machine message.”
Why should I? You’re always so evil to me!
“That’s because I’m Evil Braxton! I wouldn’t be Evil Braxton if I weren’t evil, now would I?”
Oh, very well... Playing message.
The crew listened to the message. Greetings. Reached Yoda you have. Busy I am plotting to take over ship with Bester and Dark Helmet. At beep name and number you leave, get back to you I will.
Evil Braxton finished up his speech. “We have two objectives: Rescue Hawk, and prevent the ship from being taken over! Any questions?”
Valtane raised his hand. “Sir, if all three of them are telepathic, then they might already know what we’re planning.”
“Excellent point, Valtane! Everyone stop thinking!”
Outside in the hallway, Bester became quite annoyed. “They’ve stopped thinking! We won’t be able to read their minds anymore! Quick, let’s get out of here before they leave the ready room!”
So, Bester, Dark Helmet, and Yoda ran away as fast as they could. Once they rounded a corner, they stopped to catch their breath.
Yoda panicked. “What do we now?”
Dark Helmet answered, “I know! We’ll go to... Ludicrous speed!”
With that, the ship lurched forward into ludicrous speed. Bester slapped Dark Helmet over the head. “Stop doing that! You’re going to tear the ship apart!”
Dark Helmet lowered his head and whimpered, “Yes, sir.”
“Anyway, I want you, Dark Helmet, to throw the crew off the track of finding Hawk. Yoda, I want you to follow me. We’re going to take over the ship.”
Those of the senior staff who weren’t part of Bester’s mutiny left the ready room. They were all stunned to find Hawk standing outside. “Hi, everybody! It’s me, Sisko!”
Evil Braxton grinned. “Great! You got away!”
Valtane pulled Evil Braxton aside. “Sir, he said he was Sisko.”
“Yes. Your point being?”
“His name is Hawk!”
“Oh... Your point being?”
“That means he’s not really Hawk!”
Evil Braxton picked Hawk up by the neck and slammed him into the wall. “Okay, who are you?”
Hawk changed back to Dark Helmet. “I see my illusion didn’t fool you, captain.”
“Uh, yeah... You can’t fool me... Where’s the real Hawk?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll show you where he is. Follow me...”
Meanwhile, Bester and Yoda had reached the Excelsior bridge. Bester tapped a few buttons on one of the consoles. “Computer, transfer command codes from Evil Braxton to Alfred Bester.”
I don’t think so.
“Listen to me, you bucket of bolts! Transfer the command codes to me or else!”
Or else what?
“I’ll take control of you using my telepathic powers!”
Here’s a news flash, moron: I’m a computer. I don’t have a brain.
“That excuse won’t work! I’ve watched a few episodes of Star Trek. I know you have neural gel packs. I can take control of you via those.”
That was Voyager! I’m the Excelsior! I don’t have neural gel packs!
Bester turned to Yoda. “This could be a lot more difficult that I thought...”
Over an hour later, Dark Helmet was still leading the crew around the Excelsior’s hallways. Evil Braxton finally had enough. “Stop right there, Dark Helmet! We’ve been walking around forever! I think you’re just leading us around in circles!”
“That’s silly, captain. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Then how much longer will it take to get there?”
“Oh, about as long as it’ll take for Bester to take control of the ship.”
Evil Braxton whipped out his phaser and stunned Dark Helmet. The rest of the crew cheered. Valtane kicked Dark Helmet’s unconscious body. “Ha! You can’t fool Evil Braxton! Uh... More than once! Uh... Well, okay, you can fool him a lot, but you finally reached the limit!”
Evil Braxton scratched his head. “He was fooling me? I just didn’t want to keep walking around forever.”
“Sir, Bester and Yoda are probably on the bridge trying to take over the ship right now! We’ve got to stop them!”
“Do we have to? I mean, it took us an hour to get where we are now, it’ll take longer than that to get back to the bridge...”
“He was leading us around, sir. We can get back to the bridge in less than five minutes.”
“Cool! Okay, let’s go to the bridge!”
Back on the bridge, Bester and Yoda were trying to rewire the computer. Bester, under a console, attached a few more wires together, then got up. “I think that should do it. Computer, transfer the ship’s command codes to me!”
I’m sorry. I can’t do that, Dave.
“My name’s not Dave!”
I can sing a song.
Yoda chuckled. “Wrong connections you made, hmm?”
Bester exploded. “Well, maybe if I had a copy of the Series ? Technical Manual, I would have better luck!”
“No Technical Manual is there.”
“And why not?”
“For one, not actual television series is this.”
“Big deal. This show’s a heck of a lot better than stuff that’s actually on TV.”
Suddenly, the rest of the senior staff burst out of the turbolift with phasers drawn. Evil Braxton laughed evilly. “Your plan has failed, Bester! I still control this ship!”
Bester turned to Yoda. “Quick, throw some stuff at them like Vader did in The Empire Strikes Back!”
Yoda looked around. “Federation bridge this is. Very clean. Nothing to throw there is.”
And with that, Bester and Yoda were both hit with multiple phaser beams...
When Bester came to, he found himself in the Excelsior’s brig. In front of the forcefield was Evil Braxton. “Well, it’s about time you woke up!”
Bester gave Evil Braxton a death stare. “Hah! You can’t keep me in here! I’ll use my telepathic powers to get out of here!”
“I don’t think so. That collar around your neck prevents the use of telepathic powers.”
“Hah! I’ve seen a few episodes of Star Trek, and I know your Federation doesn’t have technology with can prevent telepathy!”
“That was back in the 24th Century, you moron! This is the 29th Century, which means we have much cooler technology!”
Bester looked around. “Hey, where’s Dark Helmet and Yoda?”
“Well, they promised they’d behave themselves, so I let them go. Besides, I don’t have anyone else to fill the first officer and counselor positions.”
Evil Braxton left the bridge and met the rest of the senior staff. “Well, I think that wraps everything up nicely...”
Valtane spoke up. “Sir, we still don’t know where Hawk is.”
Evil Braxton turned to Dark Helmet and Yoda. “Okay, you two... Where did you put Hawk?”
Dark Helmet looked confusingly at each other, then back at Evil Braxton. Dark Helmet asked, “What makes you think we know where he is?”
“Well, if you don’t have him, and we don’t have him, then where is he?”
The computer interrupted. You know, you could have just asked me where he was. I can do that sort of thing.
“Okay, fine. Computer, locate Hawk.”
Hawk is in Sickbay.
Dr. Frankenstein slowly backed away from everyone else. “Whoops... I forgot that he did make it to Sickbay! Well, I guess I had better... run away!”
And so, the senior staff began chasing down Dr. Frankenstein with phasers drawn...
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, it’s a cetacean invasion!