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Episode 44: “For the World is Holo and I Have Touched the Sky”

Written by “Krenim”

Published November 13, 2001

“Captain’s Log: Our scans have detected a Starfleet energy signature on a nearby planet. I have decided to completely ignore it.”

Ducane rolled his eyes. “Sir, I really think we should go investigate.”

“Ducane, I’ve noticed a pattern when it comes to investigating things. We go investigate something, it turns out to be hideously evil, it puts all of us in jeopardy, and we barely escape with our lives. I’m not going to make that mistake again.”

“But sir, part of our mission is to investigate things.”

“No, Ducane, I’ve made up my mind.”

“But if we don’t do anything this episode, people will stop watching and our ratings will drop.”

“Let’s put that to the test!”

“Let’s not, and say we did.”

“Deal! Set a course for the energy signature!”


Several hours later, the Relativity entered orbit around the planet the signature was detected on. Ducane, Yar, Dax, and Damar met in Transporter Room 1 to beam down. Dax looked around and asked, “Isn’t the captain coming with us?”

Ducane smirked and asked, “Do you really want him to come with us?”

“Heck no! But just out of curiosity, where is he? Doesn’t he come with us just to mess up anything we try to do?”

“Normally, yes, but I’ve come up with a plan this time. I told the captain to meet us in Transporter Room 2.”

“Do we even have a Transporter Room 2?”

“Beats me, but either way, he won’t be bothering us for a while.”

So, the four of them beamed down to the planet’s surface. They took out their tricorders and began scanning. Yar finally found a piece of metal. “Sir, take a look at this!”

Ducane came over and took a look. “Is that part of a photon torpedo casing?”

“I think so. Hey, while we’re on the subject, what kind of torpedoes do we have in the 29th Century, anyway? Every time we fire torpedoes, they’re just called torpedoes.”

“I don’t know. Considering how long it took before we had a name for our drive system, it may be a while before we figure that one out. Anyway, what do you suppose an old photon torpedo was doing way out here?”

“No idea. We’d better look around for other pieces of the torpedo.”

After a while, they finally found most of the torpedo. Dax picked up one of the pieces and suddenly began screaming. “No! It can’t be him! We’ve got to leave now!

Ducane raised an eyebrow. “What? What’s going on, Dax?”

“It’s the most unspeakable horror in all the universe! So unspeakable, that the only way I can explain is through a flashback!”


Five centuries earlier, on Deep Space Nine, Julian Bashir and Ezri Dax stepped into one of Quark’s holosuites. Julian pushed a few buttons, and Vic Fontaine appeared. “Hi, you two! What’s up?”

Julian stepped forward. “Well, Vic, I’ve got to tell you something.”

“Okay.”

“We all hate you.”

“Huh?”

“We all hate you. The only thing more obnoxious than you is your singing. We’re getting rid of you.”

“But you can’t do this to me! I’m releasing an album in only a month!”

“Exactly. We have to stop your horror before it spreads. I’m going to download you into this little doodad I’m holding, then put it in a photon torpedo. We’ll shoot the torpedo into space and then detonate it.”

“Isn’t that just a little excessive?”

“Your point being?”

Bashir pushed a few buttons, and Fontaine disappeared. The two headed to one of the ship’s torpedo launchers and put the device in a torpedo. Bashir asked, “Did you arm the torpedo?”

“Of course I armed the torpedo.”

“Good. Fire the torpedo.”

Ezri punched a few buttons and the torpedo shot out into space. The two rushed to a window to watch the explosion, but there was none. Bashir turned to Ezri. “I thought you said you armed it!”

“I did!”

“No, you didn’t!”

“Give me a break! I’m a counselor, not a tactical officer! Besides, that torpedo will drift through space forever and probably never be found by anyone.”

“Yeah, unless it slams into a planet and you find it in five centuries.”

“What are the odds that’ll happen?”

“4,747 to 1.”

“I like those odds. Let’s go.”


Back in the 29th Century, Dax was begging Ducane to evacuate the planet. “We’ve got to get out of here! If Vic Fontaine’s singing is unleashed upon the galaxy, then civilization as we know it will be doomed!”

“Okay, okay, we’ll leave!”

“And we should blow up the planet!”

“Isn’t that a little drastic?”

“No! Nothing is too drastic when it comes to stopping Vic Fontaine! You never witnessed the ear-splitting horror he unleashed! We have to blow up the planet and put an end to him forever!”

“Well, Captain Braxton has final say on such things. Let’s return to the ship and let him decide.”

So, they beamed back up to the ship. Ducane tapped his communicator. “Ducane to Braxton.”

Ducane! Where the heck are you? I’ve been looking for Transporter Room 2 for hours!

“Never mind that now, sir. Meet us on the bridge.”

Okay, but there’s just one problem: I’m lost! Help me!


Several hours later, Captain Braxton finally made his way back to the bridge. There, Dax grabbed a hold of him and shouted, “Captain, you’ve got to blow up that planet!”

“Dax, this is Starfleet. We don’t just blow up planets for no reason.”

“But sir, Vic Fontaine is on that planet!”

“Big deal. Never heard of him.”

“And... uh... Captain Janeway’s down there!”

Blow up the planet!

So, the Relativity fired all of its weapons at the planet, and it finally exploded. Dax cheered. “Vic Fontaine is finally dead!”

Braxton also cheered. “And so is Captain Janeway!”

“Uh, sir... I have a confession to make. Captain Janeway wasn’t on that planet.”

“She got away? Curse that Janeway!”

“No, sir, she was never...”

“Yes, curse that Janeway!” And with that, Braxton went back to his seat.


Several hours later, Braxton and Ducane were walking down the hallway when Braxton noticed something. “Holomatrix 1? What the heck is a holomatrix?”

“It’s like a holodeck, but more futuristic.”

“Well, that’s stupid. Why don’t we just call it a holodeck?”

“Because that’s what it was called way back in ‘Relativity.’ It’s canon.”

“Oh. Well, let’s go check this holomatrix thingy out.”

“Sir, I don’t need to check it out. I use it a lot. Everyone uses it a lot.”

“Well, why haven’t I heard of it before?”

“Because you’re a moron, sir.”

So, Ducane went on his way while Braxton went into the holomatrix. Braxton ran through a list of programs. “Computer, run Program 272.”

Unable to comply. Another program is currently running.

“There is? I don’t see anything.”

Braxton heard a whooshing sound, a figure came up behind him. “Greetings, Captain.”

Braxton whirled around. “Who are you?”

“I’m Vic Fontaine!”

“The guy that we blew up?”

“You didn’t blow me up. I uploaded myself into one of the tricorders your crew were using on the planet’s surface, then I downloaded myself into the ship’s computer.”

“That’s very clever. I have only one question, though.”

“And what’s that?”

“Where did Captain Janeway go?”

“Who?”

“Don’t play stupid with me! I’m the only one who’s stupid around here!”

“Shut up, you oaf! I’m going to use this ship to spread my music throughout the entire universe!”

“So?”

Fontaine began singing. Braxton collapsed in agony, trying to keep the sound out by plugging his ears. “The horror! The horror!”

“Hey, my singing’s not that bad...”

“Yes, it is!” And with that, Braxton ran out of the holomatrix.


Braxton rushed onto the bridge and grabbed hold of Dax. “You were right, Dax! It’s horrible! Horrible!”

“What?”

“Fontaine’s singing! He got into the computer system!”

Fontaine’s voice came over the comm system. Yes, Dax, I’m here! And soon, the entire universe will be swinging to my crooning! Once I get control of the external comm system, I will be unstoppable! But I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for you, so I’m going to give you and your crew a sneak preview of my latest song! Enjoy!

Singing came over the comm system. Those with lesser fortitudes collapsed on the ground, their ears bleeding. Everyone else was trying to cover their ears. Braxton cried out in agony, “Dax, we’ve got to stop this guy!”

“I know, sir! I think I’ve got an idea! Let’s see if we can get to Sickbay!”

Several minutes later, Braxton and Dax arrived in Sickbay. The Doctor, sitting in his chair, was actually humming along to Fontaine’s singing. Braxton stared in amazement. “Doctor, you actually like this?”

“Sure, he’s got a catchy beat.”

Dax asked the Doctor, “Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure. What?”

“Go to Holomatrix 1 and sing to Fontaine.”

“A duet? Excellent!”

The Doctor ran out of Sickbay with a big smile on his face. Braxton, as usual was completely confused. “I don’t get it. Won’t that just double our misery?”

Dax smirked and said, “Wait.”

Eventually, the Doctor’s voice came over the comm system as well, singing the same song. Fontaine began shrieking, and then his voice just vanished. Dax tapped her communicator. “Dax to Doctor. Stop singing now.”

Aw... Do I have to?

“Yes!”

Fine...

Braxton was still confused. “I don’t get it.”

“I figured the Doctor’s singing would drive Fontaine crazy. He even deleted himself to end his misery. Problem solved.”

“Good work, Dax. But what if the Doctor starts singing again?”

“That’s why I have an emergency command to delete his vocal subroutines, sir.”

And so, having saved the universe once again, the Relativity went on its merry way...


UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, a very familiar character’s patience is tested when she takes a job on the Relativity!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.