Episode 52: “No Fate...” (Season 2 Finale)
Written by “Krenim”
Published January 26, 2002
“Captain’s Log: Well, we have finally made it back to Starbase 47. We probably could have been back episodes ago, but unlike other Star Trek series, we have to actually use Okuda’s warp curve! Lousy rotten warp curve... Anyway, now that we’re back, there are a few loose ends to take care of...”
Sulu ended his log, then headed down to the Excelsior’s brig. There, the entire evil former crew was still packed into the few holding cells. Yar and a few dozen security officers came in, all toting phaser rifles. Sulu pushed a few buttons next to the cell where the evil former senior staff was being held. “Alright, you nitwits, you’re all going back to the Federation Maximum Security Prison!”
The bad guys stood defiant. Valtane stepped forward. “Big deal. We escaped once, we can escape again! In fact, we’re going to escape again right now!”
And with that, the bad guys made a run for it. Avoiding phaser fire, they made it out into the hallway. Unfortunately for them, as they were rounding the corner, they ran into something. Something metal. Something pointing a particle cannon at them. Yes, it was Galvatron.
Galvatron laughed maniacally. “Bwahahahaha!”
The evil Excelsior crew stopped dead in their tracks. Rand tried to suck up to him. “Galvatron! Hi! Long time no see! Well, it was nice to see you again, we really must do it again some time...”
Galvatron shook his head. “Nuh-uh. You guys aren’t going anywhere.”
“You’re not still mad about that whole leaving-you-to-rot-in-prison thing, are you?”
“You bet I am. Sure, it worked out for me. I was acquitted, and I’m rich and famous now, but I really tend to hold a grudge...”
And with that, Galvatron started powering up his cannon. The bad guys started backing up, only to find Yar and her security team right behind them. Galvatron grinned. “Have fun in the big house... Bwahahahaha!”
And so, they were lead away. Sulu stood by Galvatron, and the two of them watched. After they were gone, Sulu turned to the Transformer. “So... What were you doing here, anyway?”
“I heard you captured them, so I arranged to be here to laugh at them. Maniacally, of course. You’re lucky I was here to stop them.”
“Yeah, thanks, Galvy.”
Galvatron looked down at Sulu. “Don’t call me Galvy.”
Meanwhile, Captain Braxton had headed over to Starbase 47’s library, where he was accessing the station’s computer core. Ducane and Dax, looking for their former captain, finally found him. Dax looked over Braxton’s shoulder. “Looking for that Plah D’Viz thing, sir?”
“Yeah, I figure Starbase 47’s database is bigger than the Excelsior’s, so I’m having a look through it.”
The computer interrupted him. Zero matches were found for Plah D’Viz.
Braxton slammed his fist into the wall in anger. However, since the wall was constructed of polyduranium alloy, the only thing that happened was that his hand was in quite an amount of pain. “Ouch! Stupid wall! Stupid database! How am I supposed to find this Plot Device thing?”
Ducane gave Braxton a half-hearted smile. “We’ll help you, sir. I’m sure Dax can find theoretical energy signatures for a construct that eliminates paradoxes. I might have a contact in the Federation Archeology Council that might lend a hand. It may not be easy, but we will find it.”
“No problem, sir. Anyway, Admiral Picard wanted us to let you know that all of the former Relativity crew is ordered to an assembly at 11:30 tomorrow morning.”
Later, aboard one of the prison transports taking the evil Excelsior crew to the Federation Maximum Security Prison, the evil senior staff was having a very foreshadowing conversation...
Dr. Frankenstein shook his fist angrily. “This is just wonderful! Here we are, the most evil villains ever, going back to prison!”
Rand smiled. “Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure we’re going to escape again soon...”
“Really? How can you be so sure?”
“Because our crew consists solely of minor Star Trek characters and has-been characters from other shows. We get paid practically nothing. We’d never get fired in favor of other villains who would demand big salaries.”
Dark Helmet interrupted. “Shut up, Rand! We’re not going to escape! Neither I or Yoda can use our mental powers to escape this time, because we’re outfitted with these stupid telepathy inhibitors! Even if we did get out of our cells, the Excelsior is still at Starbase 47, so we can’t get off the prison station! And even if we did manage to get onto the Excelsior, Sulu has all the command codes! Only an admiral could get the command codes now!”
Rand shrugged. “Who knows... Maybe we’ll find an admiral at the prison...”
At the Federation Maximum Security Prison, Admiral Janeway was sitting in her cell. “What are you looking at me for? Get that camera out of my face!”
The next day, the entire crew of the Relativity assembled at Starbase 47’s Assembly Hall. The disembodied head of Admiral Picard was wheeled in on a cart. Picard began speaking. “First of all, I would like to congratulate you all. You all did a fine job during the Fortyseventhspace incident. That includes Captain Braxton, who, if I didn’t know any better, actually acted in a competent manner.”
Everyone cheered. After the applause quieted down, Picard began again.
“However, there are a few things to be taken care of. The first is the timeline itself. The Excelsior must be returned to the 23rd Century, where it is meant to be. After we strip off that crazy Shadow hull off of it, we’re going to remove all trace of the ship’s time traveling and do an engramatic purge of all of the Excelsior’s original crew. That means Sulu, Rand, Valtane, and all the others will return to the 23rd Century with no clue of what has transpired.”
Everyone but Sulu cheered. Sulu stood up. “Wait a minute... That stinks! I don’t want to go back! If I go back, that means I won’t be on this show anymore! I’ll go back to being relegated to Star Trek conventions! You can’t do this to me!”
“And what if I don’t?”
“I’ll force you to watch every Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode!”
“Wait a minute... That’s a good thing!”
“Without the funny commentary!”
“You mean just the bad movies themselves? Noooooooooooooooo!”
“A scary thought, huh?”
“Yes. I’ll be good.”
Picard resumed his speech. “As for the rest of you, there’s still the matter of the temporal fugitives unleashed upon our timeline by that temporal shockwave. You’ve only caught a few of them this past season.”
Braxton interrupted this time. “Uh, sir?”
“Yes, what is it, Braxton?”
“Actually, I was hoping that I and my crew could go hunting for the Plot Device.”
Ducane whispered something in Braxton’s ear. Braxton corrected himself. “Right, sorry. The Plah D’Viz.”
Picard scowled. “I’m sorry, Braxton, but that’s just not possible at this time.”
Braxton stood up. “Then I have no choice, sir. I quit.”
Picard’s eyes went wide. “Excuse me, did you just say what I think you said?”
“Yes, sir. I hereby resign from Starfleet.”
Picard grinned and began laughing. “Resignation accepted! Finally! I’m free! Free! Bwahahahaha!”
Galvatron ran into the Assembly Hall, thwacked Picard, and shouted “No one laughs maniacally except me!” He then promptly ran out again.
Picard shouted to one of his aides. “Quick, bring my robot body out of cold storage and bring it here so that I may do a victory dance!”
Braxton got up and walked over to a turbolift. He smiled to his crew. “Well, I’m off! Wish me luck, everyone!”
And with that, the turbolift doors began to close as the screen fades to black...
To Be Continued...
Looking for a preview of the Season 3 Premiere? Well, tough, ‘cause there isn’t one! So nyah! I’ll guess you’ll have to wait until March 26... Bwahahahaha!