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Episode 55: “Double-Click on the Iconians”

Written by “Krenim”

Published April 10, 2002

“Log: I’ve run out of Ren and Stimpy jokes. Oh well. We’re now on our way to the long-dead planet of Iconia to see if the Iconians ever ran into the Plah D’Viz. Before we get there, though, there are several things we must do...”

In the Excelsior’s Engineering section, Damar was hard at work typing away at a console. Ducane came up behind him. “How’s it going, Damar?”

“It’s coming along. It should be ready by the time we get to Iconia.”

“I hope so. That anti-viral program is essential to the mission. Without it, the Iconian computer system will attempt to rewrite our software to match its own.”

“Yup. And not only that, if my program protects the ship, I’ll be a hero, and I’ll be invited to talk to the ship’s children for sure!”

“Huh?”

“That’s my new running joke, remember? Trying to be important enough to get invited to talk at the school?”

“Uh...”

“Well, I’m not surprised. Nobody remembers. Braxton’s stupid Plah D’Viz arc kind of came along and took away most of our screen time...”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure this arc will be over in a few episodes.”

“But what if he gets another arc? What if all of us are relegated to minor secondary characters for all eternity?”

“Nah... Besides, if that does happen, I’m sure Braxton will meet with an unfortunate accident...”


Meanwhile, Captain Sulu was working on another facet of the mission...

“What about now?”

Dax sighed. “Not yet, sir.”

“Now?”

“No.”

“Now?”

I’LL TELL YOU WHEN!

“Well, what’s taking so long?”

“This is one of those episodes where communications aren’t instantaneous.”

Sulu mumbled to himself. “Lousy rotten communication...”

A few minutes later, Dax’s console started beeping. “Captain, we’re being hailed.”

Braxton, who was standing the background, scowled. “That’s horrible! Didn’t we just get the windshield replaced?”

Ignoring Braxton’s stupidity, Sulu pointed to the screen. “Let’s see it.”

The transmission came onscreen. Everyone was shocked by what appeared. They kept looking from the screen to Yar to the screen to Yar and so on.

Sulu finally composed himself enough to blurt out, “Yar, what in the heck are you doing on the screen?”

Yar scratched her head in confusion. “Well, call it a hunch, but I don’t think that’s me...”

“Why not?”

“Well, for one thing, I’m not Romulan.”

Sure enough, the woman onscreen who looked almost exactly like Yar was Romulan. The woman spoke. “I am Sela, you idiots!”

Everyone looked at Braxton.

“What? What’s everyone looking at me for?”

Sulu rolled his eyes. “Isn’t this where you usually ask ‘Shouldn’t you be dead by now?’”

“Oh yeah... Shouldn’t you be dead by now?”

Sela laughed. “Hahahaha! You fools! I’m am Sela XIV, the descendant of the original Sela!”

Dax sighed. “Well, that’s just great, we’ve replaced one scientifically implausible way to have 24th Century characters with another one. Since when does someone look exactly like their distant ancestor?”

Kes thought for a second, then answered, “Andromeda. That whole Rhade thing.”

“Oh yeah.”

Braxton smiled. “Andromeda? That show sure stunk until they got rid of that Wolfe guy, didn’t it? It’s so much better now!”

Ten minutes later, the crew finally managed to pull Kes off of the broken, bleeding Braxton. Kes was still screaming, “I’ll kill you, Braxton! I’ll kill you!

Sulu tried to calm Kes down. “Don’t take any offense, Kes. You know Braxton says a bunch of stupid things. Just learn to ignore what he says.”

“Yes, but how come we’re trying to save a guy who thinks that?”

“Because we’re the good guys, Kes. We have to save everyone, no matter how bad their tastes in sci-fi are.”

Onscreen, Sela was waving at the crew, trying to get their attention. “Hello? Remember me? The Romulan you were talking to?”

Sulu got back in his seat. “Oh yeah. Anyway, we were calling to ask if we could go into the Neutral Zone.”

“No, you may absolutely not go into the Neutral Zone!”

“Well, I say yes, we are going into the Neutral Zone!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“Listen here, human! I say you’re going into the Neutral Zone, or else it’ll be war!”

“Okay, if you insist. Sulu out.”

With that, Sulu cut the transmission. “Heh heh heh. Those Romulans are so easy to fool.”


A few hours later, the Doctor wheeled Braxton (who was in a full body cast) into the observation lounge where everyone else was waiting for them.

Kes was a bit shaken. “You couldn’t fix him up, Doctor?”

The Doctor smiled. “Oh, I fixed him up. But I figure he won’t be bothering us if he’s in a body cast.” He knocked on the cast. “Isn’t that right, Braxton?”

A muffled (but quite obviously angry) voice came from Braxton, but no one could make out what he was saying.

Sulu started the meeting. “We will reach Iconia in a few hours. Damar, have you finished the anti-viral program yet?”

Damar smirked and whipped out a disk. “Yup. It’s right here.”

“Excellent. You sure learned a lot in the Obsidian Order.”

“Huh? I was never in the Obsidian Order. You must be thinking of Garak.”

“Oh yeah... I wonder whatever happened to him.”

“Well, considering how often we run into people from the 24th Century, I’m sure we’ll run into him sooner or later.”

“Point taken. Anyway... Yar, any sign of the Romulans?”

“No sir, but with their cloaking devices, they could sneak right up on us at any moment.”

“Yes, if there’s one thing Romulans are good at, it’s sneaking. Isn’t ‘sneaking’ a fun word to say? Sneaking! Sneaking sneaking sneaking!”

The Doctor leaned towards Ducane and whispered, “You want me to put him in a full body cast too?”

Ducane whispered back, “No... Not just yet, at least.”


Several hours later, the Excelsior arrived in orbit around the planet of Iconia. Everyone (except for Braxton, who was still in the body cast) beamed down to the surface. Damar checked his tricorder. “The anti-viral program appears to be working. The Iconian computers seem unable to rewrite our software.”

Ducane nodded. “Good. I suggest we split up and look for a computer access terminal.”

Sulu interrupted. “No no no... We’re not splitting up! Last time we split up, I got tortured! We’re all sticking together this time!”

“But our chances of finding a terminal will increase if we split up.”

“Listen, Ducane. This isn’t a two-part episode. We’re going to find what we’re looking for by the end of the episode anyway, so it doesn’t matter which way we go or if we split up.”

“Hmm... I think you may have a point. Okay, let’s all go this way then.”


Meanwhile, several Romulan Phoenixes (or Pheonii, whatever) decloaked, surrounding the Excelsior. Sela hailed the Starfleet ship. Braxton and Xaronna (who was the poor sap assigned to watch over Braxton) appeared onscreen. “Attention, Federation jerks! I realized that you tricked me. Surrender your vessel, and you will be granted slow painful deaths!”

Braxton, still in the body cast, tried to respond, but all that could be heard was “Mmph mmph mmph mmph.”

Sela looked to Xaronna. “What’d he say?”

“He said that first of all, he can’t surrender the ship. Captain Sulu could, but he’s on the surface. Second, he wants to know how a slow painful death is something we’d want to be granted.”

“You got all of that out of a few mumbles?”

“Hey, I was stuck on a ship where everyone ignored me for centuries. After a while, you get good at listening to people.”

“Point taken. Anyway, compared to the unspeakable tortures we can inflict upon you, a slow painful death is a good thing. But I’ll go find Sulu. Thanks anyway. Sela out.”

Sela disappeared from the screen. Xaronna sighed. “I guess we’d better warn everyone.”

“Mmph mmph mmph.”

“I don’t think putting you in a body cast is reason enough to not warn them about the Romulans.”

“Mmph mmph mmph.”

“Okay, them leaving me with you is enough reason...”


Back on the surface of Iconia, the crew had found a terminal. Dax and Damar were busy setting up a link when they came under disruptor fire. They quickly took cover as Sela began yelling at them. “Okay, you slime! I know you tricked me, so I’m here to get even!”

Sulu shouted back at her. “Well, yeah, we tricked you, but we had a good reason! We have to save a dear friend of ours!”

“Oh?”

“Yes, Captain Braxton.”

“Braxton? You mean the guy you left in the body cast? If you treat your dear friends like that, I don’t even want to know what you’d do to me! I’m out of here!”

While the Romulans made a hasty retreat, Dax finished the connection, and they began searching the Iconian database...


A while later, Xaronna had finally taken pity on the entombed Braxton and had taken him to Sickbay, hoping to release him from the body cast. All of a sudden, the rest of the crew ran in. Ducane shoved a PADD in Braxton’s face, which of course Braxton could not see (being as the only openings in the cast were for breathing), shouting. “We’ve found the Plah D’Viz!”

Braxton could only mumble, but it was obviously happy mumbling. Sulu asked, “What’s he saying?”

Xaronna rolled her eyes. “He said he’s happy, and he wants to know where the Plah D’Viz is.”

“Well, there’s a slight snag with that. It’s deep in the heart of Dominion territory.”

The happy mumbling switched to concerned mumbling. Xaronna translated. “He wants to know how we’re going to get by the Jem’Hadar.”

“We don’t know, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, let’s go party.”

Everyone left and turned out the Sickbay lights, leaving poor Braxton alone in the dark wondering where everyone went...


UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, there’s only one thing between Braxton and the Plah D’Viz: The entire Dominion!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.