Episode 56: “Way Out With Weyoun”
Written by “Krenim”
Published April 13, 2002
“Log: After the crew eventually got around to releasing me from my plaster prison, we set a course for Bajor. Still being stuck aboard the Excelsior, the Bajoran Wormhole is the only way we can reach Dominion space without taking decades to get there. However, we have absolutely no idea what’s on the other side of the wormhole, as no one has entered Dominion space since the Dominion War of the 24th Century. Who knows what effect Odo has had on the Founders over the past 500 years...”
The Excelsior docked at Deep Space Nine, which was still in operation after centuries. While supplies for the ship’s dangerous trip were loaded, the crew decided to stroll down the Promenade for a while.
Braxton looked around. “Wow. How do they keep this station in such good condition after all these years?”
Ducane answered. “We take parts from another old Cardassian station of the same design.”
“Oh. You mean Empok Nor?”
“We used up all of Empok Nor’s parts years ago. We’re taking parts from Neither Nor now.”
Dax and Damar took the lead, taking the others on a tour. Dax started pointing at various places. “There’s the Replimat... There’s where Garak’s shop used to be... That’s where Dukat killed me...”
Damar pointed. “And that’s where I killed Ziyal!”
Everyone glared at Damar, then continued to follow Dax. Damar mumbled, “Well, it is...”
After a while, they headed back to the ship. All the supplies were loaded, so the ship was undocked. The Excelsior slowly made its way to the mouth of the wormhole. Sulu paused. “Okay, this is our last chance to turn back. There may be thousands of Jem’Hadar battleships on the other side waiting to blast us into oblivion...”
Braxton shook his head. “No, we’re not turning back. I have to escape my fate, even if all of you have to die to do it.”
“Don’t you mean ‘all of us’?”
So the Excelsior started forward again. The gigantic blue swirl opened up, enveloping the ship. Seconds later, the swirl and the ship vanished from normal space.
Inside the wormhole, the Excelsior made its way past verteron nodes and so forth. The crew marveled at its beauty.
All of a sudden, there was a flash, and someone was standing on the bridge. The person began to speak. “I am Captain Benjamin Sisko, and after centuries of learning from the Prophets, I have returned to share the secrets of peace and prosperity with the universe!”
Braxton whipped out his phaser and disintegrated Sisko. Everyone looked in disbelief at Braxton. Ducane finally spoke. “What did you do that for?!?!”
“Wasn’t that Hawk?”
“No, it wasn’t! Hawk’s in prison!”
The crew was about to throw Braxton in the brig to prevent him from doing anything else stupid when the ship exited the wormhole back into normal space. Sulu managed to stop the ship right before it crashed into something that was right in front of the wormhole’s exit. “What in the heck is that?”
The object in front of the Excelsior was, in fact, a giant sign. Everyone read the sign in unison. “Welcome to the Happy Fun Dominion: The Happiest Place in the Galaxy...”
Sulu scratched his head. “Happy Fun Dominion?”
Dax squinted at the screen to make sure she was reading it correctly. When she was sure that was what it said, she scoffed. “The Happiest Place in the Galaxy?”
Damar looked to Dax. “Correct me if I’m wrong, Dax, but I’m fairly sure the Dominion isn’t happy or fun.”
Dax shrugged. “Maybe the Dominion has changed. Maybe Odo taught the Founders how to get along with everyone else.”
Ducane turned to Sulu. “We should sent out a request to enter Dominion space. Otherwise, we may get attacked.”
Sulu pointed at the sign. “That would never happen, Ducane! Maybe the Dominion would attack us, but the Happy Fun Dominion would never do that! It’s too happy and fun! I’m taking us in!”
The Excelsior moved past the sign and went to warp...
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. After several days, there is no sign of Happy Fun Dominion ships following us. I anticipate it will only be another day or two before we reach the Plah D’Viz. Braxton seems to be in relatively good spirits, considering he killed a legend who promised to solve the universe’s problems, but there still seems to be something on his mind...”
Kes stepped into the Excelsior’s Observation Lounge. Braxton was standing next to the windows, looking out at the stars. Kes walked over and stood beside him. “Penny for your thoughts?”
Braxton smiled. “I’m not falling for that again, Kes. Every time you say that, I tell you what I’m thinking, but I never get the penny...”
“It’s a figure of speech.”
“Anyway, how’s it feel to be so close to finding the Plah D’Viz?”
“I don’t know... Kes, do you think it’s my destiny to be a villain?”
“Why do you ask that?”
“You all are good officers, you know that? You’re the finest I’ve ever served with.”
“You mean that?”
“This is where I’d usually say ‘Just kidding’ or something like that, but I mean it this time.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“But I just seem so out of place. I’m either talking to food or saying something that gets me beaten up or accidentally killing heroes. If I’m that awful a person, maybe I’m meant to be a villain...”
“That’s a sad and depressing thought.”
“Yes, but this is the sad and depressing part of this episode.”
“Sir, do you know why we’re all helping you out in your quest to find the Plah D’Viz?”
“Because you have nothing better to do until the bad guys escape from prison?”
“Well, there’s that, but there’s also the fact that we all know that beneath your bumbling idiotic exterior, you’re a good person.”
“You mean that?”
“No, not really.”
“Just kidding, I mean that.”
“Thanks for the talk, Kes.”
“Well, I am the ship’s counselor. After two seasons, it was about time I did some counseling.”
And with that, Kes turned and went back into the hallway.
Suddenly, Sulu’s voice came over the comm system. Senior staff report to the bridge! Several Happy Fun Dominion ships are on an intercept course!
Five Happy Fun Dominion ships were rapidly approaching the Excelsior. Dax put them onscreen, and everyone once again were in disbelief at what they were seeing. Sulu asked, “Is it just me, or are those warships that are painted pink?”
Yar nodded. “Not only pink, but hot pink! They hurt my eyes to look at!”
Braxton stepped off the turbolift and looked at the ships. “Pink ships? That’s just a little too much...”
Ducane leaned towards Sulu. “I think we should hail them, sir.”
“Good idea, Ducane. Even though they look happy and fun, they’re still warships.”
The bridge of the lead ship came onscreen. Standing there were Weyoun and several Jem’Hadar warriors. Except that they were all wearing clothes made out of a flowery print.
Weyoun stepped forward. “I am Weyoun 47!”
Sulu shook his head. “No, you’re not. The last Weyoun clone was killed in the Dominion War. That female changeling said there weren’t anymore.”
“Well, you just can’t keep a good villain down.”
“Anyway, you are trespassing in the Happy Fun Dominion. Surrender your ship and prepare to be boarded. You and your crew will be sent to a happy fun detention center where you will die slow agonizing happy fun deaths.”
“I’m beginning to suspect the Happy Fun Dominion isn’t as happy and fun as it was made out to be.”
“Are you kidding? We have pink ships and flowery uniforms! They’re very fun and happy!”
“Yes, but detention centers and slow agonizing deaths are not, even though you may say so. We’re not going to surrender.”
“Very well!” Weyoun turned to his troops. “Fire the happy fun weapons!”
The Happy Fun Dominion ships began hammering the Excelsior with torpedoes. Sulu shouted, “We’ve got to lose these guys! Any ideas how?”
Dax answered, “We could engage the cloaking device...”
“What cloaking device? This ship doesn’t have a cloaking device!”
“Yes, it does. I saved the Relativity’s cloaking device before we evacuated.”
“That’s great, Dax, but you could have mentioned that earlier! Engage the cloaking device and resume course for the Plah D’Viz!”
The Excelsior cloaked, leaving the Jem’Hadar quite confused.
The ship continued on its way. Two days later, Dax’s console started beeping. “Captain, I’m picking up the temporal signature of the Plah D’Viz on long range scanners.”
“Very good. Get Braxton up here.”
Several minutes later, Braxton arrived on the bridge. Sulu smiled at him. “Dax, is the Plah D’Viz in visual range?”
“Then, by all means, give Braxton a look at it...”
A huge structure appeared on the main viewer. It appeared to be made mostly out of smooth green-gray rock, with metal and circuitry sticking out in a few places. It was shaped like two fat obelisks stuck together at their bases.
Braxton breathed a sigh of relief. “Let’s go alter destiny...”
- There exists a machine...
- *Shot of the Plah D’Viz*
- With the power to alter destiny...
- *Shot of Captain Braxton, the Braxton Bunch, and Evil Braxton*
- But with the Dominion on their trail...
- *Shot of fleet of Happy Fun Dominion ships*
- And Braxton’s worthiness on trial...
- *Shot of Excelsior’s bridge being scanned*
- Will their quest end in disaster?
Find out starting with...
Episode 57: “Clotho”