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Episode 61: “sdrawroF dna sdrawkcaB”

Written by “Krenim”

Published May 22, 2002

In the Relativity-H’s sickbay, a very old-looking Kes was laying down on a biobed while Captain Ducane, Commander Yar, and the Doctor were by her side.

Kes looked up at the trio. “Who in the heck are you?”

Ducane sighed sadly. “You don’t remember?”

The Doctor explained. “Memory loss is a common symptom of the morilogium, the final stage of the Ocampan life.”

“Is there anything you can do to help her, Doctor?”

“I’m sorry, but no. Information about Ocampans is limited, given that they all died out five years after Voyager left their homeworld when their power reserves gave out.”

“They all died? That’s sad...”

“Yes, but that’s what happens when you leave plot threads dangling... Anyway, the only treatment I could come up with was the temporal stretcher a few years back, but it apparently didn’t work.”

Suddenly, the room shook. Damar’s voice came over the comm system. “Captain, five enemy ships have emerged into normal space, bearing 047 mark 54. They’ve spotted us.”

Ducane meant to pound his fist against the biobed, but it hit Kes instead. Kes responded with a right hook to Ducane’s jaw. Ducane, quite unconscious, hit the floor. Yar tapped her communicator. “I’ll be right there, Damar. Ducane’s been knocked out by Kes. Again.”

As Yar left, Kes grabbed her stomach. “I’m so hungry...”

The Doctor handed Kes a bowl of chocolate ice cream. “Here you go, here’s something to eat.”

Kes looked at the bowl. “I have the feeling I should be yelling at you about this, but I can’t remember why.” She began eating, but seconds later, Kes saw a flash of light...

*FLASH*

The senior staff of the Relativity-H assembled around the table. Kes felt a little woosy. Captain Ducane noticed. “Are you feeling okay, Kes?”

“No, not that it’s any of your business...”

“Sorry, it’s just that you don’t look so good.”

“What did I just tell you?”

And with that, Kes went over and punched Ducane in the face, knocking him out. At the same time, Kes herself fell unconscious. The Doctor sighed. “I was afraid of this. I think she’s about to enter the morilogium, the last stage of the Ocampan life.”

Yar looked down at Kes. “Well, it can’t be any worse than the quasimorilogium.”

“Yes, the quasimorilogium, where Ocampa become extremely irate at people, usually blaming them for any regrets they have and causing them harm, hence explaining the rather bad Voyager episode ‘Fury.’ She’s been going through it for a while now. The captain’s had four concussions this week alone. Thank goodness he hasn’t had any brain damage...”

Kes regained consciousness in Sickbay. The Doctor was performing several scans on her. “Kes, I believe that you may be entering the morilogium...”

“Didn’t you already say that?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Yeah, you did.”

And with that, Kes tried to hit the Doctor. She suceeded, but since the Doctor was a hologram, no harm was done. Apparently, the chocolate ice cream from earlier didn’t fill her up, because she suddenly got hungry again...

*FLASH*

This time, Kes was a bit younger-looking. She was sitting on the bridge of the Relativity, next to Captain Ducane. The ship was at red alert, and several warships were onscreen firing at them. The ship shook upon impact. Ducane was spouting out orders. “Damar, we need the hyperwarp drive back online now!

Damar, who was working quite furiously, shouted back, “Well, with our supplies are running low, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get it back online or not!”

“We can’t resupply, Damar! We’re one of the last ships left! The second we try to dock anywhere, we’ll have hundreds of enemy ships on top of us!”

The Relativity managed to dodge the next volley of torpedoes and launched its own. The enemy ships were destroyed. Damar finally finished. “Hyperwarp drive back online! Let’s get out of here!”

The ship jumped to hyperwarp. Ducane breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, everyone, there will be a meeting in three hours. I want you all to be there.”

Kes scratched her head in confusion. “Didn’t we just have a meeting?”

“No, we haven’t...”

Kes thought for a little while, then suddenly understood what was going on. “Excuse me for a moment, I need to go kill the Doctor...”

She made her way to sickbay. The Doctor was inside running a few experiments. Kes waved her hand, and used her nearly-omnipotent powers to hoist him into the air. “What did you do this time, Doctor?”

The Doctor panicked. “What do you mean? I haven’t done anything!”

Kes scowled. “The last time I started traveling backwards through time like this, it was because you used some sort of gizmo to extend my lifespan. Earlier, or later from your point of view, you said you tried to use some sort of temporal stretcher on me!”

The Doctor nodded. “Yes, I did a few years ago, but that shouldn’t be doing this.”

“And why not?”

“Because I used a completely different kind of device that time. The first time, back on Voyager, I used a bio-temporal chamber, which used chronitons. The temporal stretcher, which I used back while this ship was being constructed, used parodions.”

Parodions? What in the heck is a parodion?”

“Canon episodes from any Star Trek series emit parodions, the force bosons of parodies. These parodions manifest themselves as episodes of Series ?.”

“Doctor, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Exactly! Where else would you hear of a parodion except in a parody?”

“Well, I guess you have a point... Go on.”

“Anyway, I thought that by infusing you with parodions that you would be around for more parodies, thus increasing your lifespan.”

“But it didn’t work?”

“No, it didn’t work.”

“Do you still have that temporal stretcher gizmo around?”

“Yeah, I’ve got it stored somewhere around here. I’ll have to go looking for it.”

Kes suddenly started getting hungry again. “Do you have anything to eat around here?”

“No, but I can replicate you some chocolate ice cream if you want...”

That really got Kes mad. “What is with the chocolate ice cream? The only person in all of Trek who reallly likes chocolate ice cream is... Wait a minute... You’re confusing me with Deanna Troi again, aren’t you?”

The Doctor tried to back away, but since he was still floating in mid-air, he got nowhere fast. Kes prepared to strike him with a lightning bolt, but...

*FLASH*

Kes found herself in her quarters. By this time, she was almost looking her normal age. Kes tapped her communicator. “Kes to the Doctor. Go look for your temporal stretcher thingamabob and let me know when you find it.”

“Okay, but what’s all this about?”

“I’ll explain later. Kes out.”

Kes left her quarters and went to the bridge. She found Captain Ducane sitting in the captain’s chair. “Captain! The Doctor’s stupid gizmo is causing me to travel backwards in time!”

Ducane thought for a second. “Oh, I see. We’re in a parody of ‘Before and After.’ Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Yeah, I need to find a way to stabilize myself. Can you get Damar and Dax to work on the problem?”

“Sure, no problem.”

“And by the way, what happened to Captain Braxton?”

“We lost him a few months back.”

“He’s... dead?”

“No, we just lost him. We’ve looked everywhere for him, even under the couch cushions!”

The Doctor’s voice came over the comm. “Doctor to Kes. Report to Cargo Bay 2. I’ve found the temporal stretcher.”

Kes went down to Cargo Bay 2, where the Doctor was hauling the temporal stretcher out of storage. The Doctor greeted her. “Here it is. Why do you want to see it, anyway?”

“Because your stupid device is causing me to travel backwards through time. Again. And I’m not going to yell at you, I already did that. Or will do that. Whichever. Anyway, can you find out what might have gone wrong?”

The Doctor looked over the stretcher. Suddenly, his eye caught something. “I think I might have found the problem...”

He pointed to a knob on the side of the device. “This controls the number of parodions the device uses. It has four settings: None, Way Too Little, Just Enough, and Way Too Much.”

However, instead of the knob being on Just Enough, it was on Way Too Much. Kes started zapping the Doctor with lightning bolts for a while, until they were called to a meeting.

The meeting was about how to get Kes stabilized in space-time. Damar started. “We haven’t been able to find a way to stabilize you, Kes, but we have two ideas. The first is that you use your nearly-omnipotent powers to stabilize yourself. If that doesn’t work, then when you travel back in time enough, you can make sure the temporal stretcher is set to Just Enough, in which case you should stabilize in that timeframe.”

Kes nodded. “Okay, I’ll try that. And I’d better hurry, because I’m getting hungry again. That tends to happen before I timejump. And nobody had better offer me a bowl of chocolate ice cream!”

As she began to fade, Kes tried to stabilize herself. She put up a sort of forcefield around herself, but it was no use...

*FLASH*

Kes found herself on the bridge yet again. This time, she found Captain Braxton sitting next to her, indicating that she had at least travelled back several months. “Captain, I’m travelling backwards through time!”

“Really?”

“Really!”

“That’s great!”

“It is not great! It’s awful!”

“No, it is great! When you go back in time, you can warn everyone about the coming apocalypse!”

“I’ll do no such thing!”

“What? Why not?”

“The last time I was traveling backwards through time, I learned that Voyager was going to get hammered by the Krenim. Once I got stabilized, I warned everyone about them. Then, when ‘Year of Hell’ airs, does anyone remember my warnings? No, of course they don’t! I’m not going through that a second time!”

Kes’ stomach churned, and...

*FLASH*

...she found herself standing in one of Starbase 47’s corridors. Kes tapped her communicator. “Kes to the Doctor. Have you used that temporal stretcher thing on me yet?”

“No, not yet. Please don’t tell me you’re travelling backwards through time again...”

“Yeah, and it’s your fault. Again. But you can fix it.”

“How?”

“Make sure the dial is set to Just Enough, and not Way Too Much.”

“Okay.”

*FLASH*

Kes next found herself on the Relativity’s bridge, but this time it was the Relativity-G. “Now when am I?” She looked on the viewscreen. Old Captain Braxton was on the viewscreen. “Oh... I think I’m back in the first season! ‘Who Wants to be Politically Incorrect,’ to be precise.”

“No, you think you’re back in the first season. ‘Who Wants to be Politically Incorrect,’ to be precise.”

Sure enough, Captain Braxton was back to his old self. Kes stood up and pointed to Old Captain Braxton. “And you... You jerk! Because of you and your stupid temporal clones, all of us lost valuable screen time for almost half a season! Or will lose valuable screen time. I hate tenses in situations like this!”

Old Captain Braxton grinned wickedly. “Well, do you know what I have to say to that?”

“No, what?”

“VOYAGER GO BOOM! Bwahahahahaha!”

Galvatron hit Old Captain Braxton upside the head. “Only I may laugh maniacally! Bwahahahahaha!”

*FLASH*

Kes was now standing on the temporal transporter. She looked around. The rest of the senior staff was standing in front of her. “Now when am I?”

Ducane looked at her strangely. “You’re in the 29th Century. We’ve recruited you to be our ship’s counselor.”

Kes slapped her own forehead. “Well, this is just wonderful... I’m all the way back to my first appearance on this show! Any further back, and I’ll wind up on Voyager...” She shuddered at the thought.

*FLASH*

Galvatron hit Old Captain Braxton upside the head. “Only I may laugh maniacally! Bwahahahahaha!”

Kes looked around. “Wait a minute, I’m going forwards again! The Doctor must have fixed the stupid dial!”

Jadzia looked down at her. “What’s a dial?”

*FLASH*

Kes finally found herself laying on the temporal stretcher, with the Doctor looking down at her. The Doctor smiled at her. “How are you feeling?”

“For once, not hungry. Did you fix the dial?”

“Yeah, I fixed it. You should stop jumping through time.”

“Good. Did the device work?”

“Yes, you should age just as all of us should from now on.”

“Great. Thank you, Doctor.”

“Oh, and is there any news from the future? Anything we should know about?”

“Nothing you’d remember...”


UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, it should be a guest episode by MinutiaeMan!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.