WARNING! This episode contains mild spoilers for the first season of Enterprise. Those who have yet to see the show and don’t want to know anything about it should not read this episode. But the spoilers aren’t that severe, everything you learn here is pretty much revealed in “Broken Bow.” But you can never be too careful.
Last time, on Star Trek: Series ?...
After a botched-up sendoff, Captain Braxton and his crew set off in the new Relativity to hunt down the evil crew of the evil Excelsior. Yes, again. They find the Excelsior, but it turns out that Admiral Janeway was setting a trap for them. It turns out that the Excelsior was taken by the Vaadwaur, who have decided to take over the galaxy after laying low for the past five centuries. Gorei, the Vaadwaur leader, gave Janeway an ultimatum: Help the Vaadwaur by altering history in their favor or die. Needless to say, Janeway agreed to help the Vaadwaur. Zo’or was assigned to the Excelsior as the Vaadwaur observer. Wounding the Relativity with the Excelsior’s upgraded weaponry, Janeway called in an entire fleet of Vaadwaur ships to help her finish off her archnemesis.
And now the conclusion...
Janeway tapped her communicator. “Janeway to Vaadwaur fleet. Fire at will.”
“I don’t think so, Admiral.”
“What? Why not?”
“We may be allowing you to persue your revenge against Captain Braxton, but we never said we’d help you do it.”
“Then why are you here?”
“To take over that Federation base you attacked in Part I.”
And with that, the Vaadwaur fleet took off. Admiral Janeway, while a bit miffed, took a big gulp of coffee and then smirked. “Well, Braxton, I suppose this will work out just fine. I don’t need them to help me defeat you. With the upgraded Excelsior, nothing can stand in my way! Mr. Hawk... fire!”
The evil Excelsior let loose another evil barrage of subspace torpedoes, but this time, the Relativity was ready for them. Sulu pulled off some evasive manuevers, while Yar shot back with the Relativity’s paradox torpedoes.
Now it was Braxton’s turn to laugh. “You’re defeated, Admiral Janeway!”
“Defeated? How do you figure that, Captain Moron? None of our vital systems have been damaged!”
“Oh no? Yar just destroyed the Excelsior’s coffee reserves, and we all know you can’t function without a supply of java!”
Janeway checked the damage report. “Ack! He’s right! We have no more coffee! We must retreat! But you’re not out of the woods yet, Braxton! By now, the Vaadwaur are attacking Federation outposts throughout the Delta Quadrant!”
Yoda added, “Begun this Vaadwaur War has...”
Braxton thought for a second. “Wait... Doesn’t that sound kind of... redundant? I know! From now on, this conflict will be known as... The Vaad War!”
Both crews groaned at the horrible pun, Yoda most of all. “Okay, okay... Begun this Vaad War has...”
And with that, the evil Excelsior jumped back into the subspace corridors and was gone.
Yar’s console started beeping. “Captain, there’s a transmission coming in from Admiral Picard.”
The disembodied head of Admiral Picard came onscreen. “Braxton! I’m getting reports of attacks throughout the Delta Quadrant! What’s going on out there?”
Braxton explained what happened. Unfortunately, Braxton made no sense (as usual), so Ducane had to explain the whole thing over again.
Picard was in shock. “I’m in shock!”
Braxton nodded. “Yes, it’s quite amazing that a species forgotten about 500 years and a whole series ago has put together the largest fleet ever assembled and is trying to conquer the galaxy!”
“No, not that! I’m shocked that you had enough smarts to target Janeway’s coffee supply! Anyway, I’m leading a task force into the Delta Quadrant to combat the Vaadwaur, but I can’t engage all of them at once. I need you to fight that fleet of ships that’s near you.”
“Us against hundreds of state-of-the-art enemy ships? Isn’t that suicide?”
“No, that’s a win-win situation for me. So get to it! Picard out.”
While the Relativity crew tried to figure out what to do, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior made a hasty retreat. Admiral Janeway was fuming, looking into her now-empty coffee cup. “I hate that Captain Braxton! Oh well, it doesn’t matter much anyway. He and the rest of the Federation will be destroyed by the Vaadwaur!”
Dark Helmet nodded. “Yes, Admiral. These subspace corridors are like Yggdrasil from ancient Norse myth. They connect to so many worlds, so we and the Vaadwaur can jump out, attack, and then jump back into them.”
“My last first officer made a habit of explaining episode titles with his stupid parables, and nobody liked him. Don’t make the same mistake.”
Zo’or interrupted. “If I may interject, Admiral... We need to get started on altering history to the Vaadwaur’s advantage.”
“Don’t worry, blue boy. We’ll get to that in an episode or two.”
“What’s with the funny hand gestures?”
Captain Braxton and his staff assembled to discuss how to defeat the Vaadwaur fleet. Ducane opened the meeting. “Does anyone have some bright idea as to how we can do this?”
Yar said, “I say we blow them to smithereens!”
Dax shook her head. “We can’t do that. We’re not only vastly outnumbered, but the instant we fire torpedoes, they’ll jump into the subspace corridors.”
“Then how do we keep them from jumping into the corridors?”
Everyone looked at Kes. “What? Why are you all looking at me?”
Ducane answered, “Because you’re the one with the nearly-omnipotent powers. Can’t you do something?”
“Sorry, this is apparently a deus ex machina-free episode. You’re on your own.”
A light bulb suddenly appeared in the air over Dax’s head, indicating she had an idea. Braxton grabbed the light bulb. “Dax, what have I told you about these light bulbs?”
“That they’re archaic.”
“Right. So whenever you have an idea, have something more modern appear over your head, okay?”
Dax thought for a few more seconds, and a plasma-based illumination device appeared above her head. “Better?”
“Much. What’s your idea?”
Dax began whispering her plan to everyone so that the suspense would build...
About an hour later, on the bridge of the local Vaadwaur command ship, the tactical officer noticed something. “Sir, there’s an object heading towards us.”
The captain said, “Put it onscreen.”
A small device was indeed heading towards them. “Bring it aboard. I want to know what that device is.”
Several minutes later, the device was tractored into a storage bay. The captain looked over it. “What is it?”
The science officer scanned it. “It appears to be some sort of subspace jamming device, sir. While it’s onboard, we can’t jump into the subspace corridors or use our subspace weaponry.”
“Then get it off the ship!”
“Wait! What’s this attached to it?”
The science officer grabbed a note off the device and read it. “To whom it may concern: Please replicate this device and note and send them to at least ten other ships in your fleet of evil. Failure to do so will result in horrible bad luck.”
The captain gasped in horror. “A chain letter! Oh no!”
“What do we do, sir?”
“The only thing we can do...”
Dax monitored the Vaadwaur fleet. “Sir, my chain letter plan worked! All the enemy ships now have the jamming device aboard them!”
Braxton grinned wickedly. “Excellent! Yar, fire at will! And don’t ask me which one’s Will. We’ve had enough bad puns in this episode already.”
And so, the Relativity engaged the Vaadwaur fleet. With their propulsion and weapons helpless, the ships were easily destroyed.
“You know what? If you keep bringing that up, I’ll find a way to demote you! I don’t know how, but I will!”
“Set a course for Admiral Picard’s flagship.”
The Relativity met up with Admiral Picard’s flagship, appropriately named Admiral Picard’s Flagship. Picard’s face came onscreen. “Braxton? What are you doing here? Didn’t I send you to your inevitable death?”
“Yes, but we beat the Vaadwaur fleet.”
“You did? Darn. I mean... Great! But while you managed to save that Federation base, a thousand more across the Delta Quadrant fell to the Vaadwaur. The entire quadrant’s a war zone now.”
“Does that mean what I think it means, sir?”
“Yes, Braxton, it does. It means we’re ripping off Deep Space Nine by having a war arc!”
Meanwhile, on the new Vaadwaur Prime, Gorei entered a strange-looking room. Inside, time was acting quite strangely. Gorei kneeled before a platform. “What is thy bidding, my master?”
A shadowy figure appeared on the platform and spoke. “How are you progressing?”
“Almost everything is going according to plan. We’ve captured a bunch of Federation bases, and we are continuing to gain territory.”
“Almost everything? What went wrong?”
“Captain Braxton defeated not only the Excelsior, but a fleet of hundreds of our ships.”
“Hmm... I see. Well, Braxton’s luck will soon run out, for nobody, and I mean nobody, defeats me... Future Guy! Bwahahahahaha!”
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?... Will it be an episode by MinutiaeMan? Or will it be an episode by me? Wait and see...