Episode 66: “A Wolf 359 in Sheep’s Clothing”
Written by “Krenim”
Published September 1, 2002
“Evil Admiral’s Evil Log: After thinking for a while, we have finally come up with an evil plan to alter history in favor of the Vaadwaur...”
The evil senior staff of the evil Excelsior stepped into their conference room, where Janeway, Valtane, and Dukat were waiting for them. In front of the three, some sort of device was covered with a cloth.
Janeway smiled wickedly as everyone took their seats. “Ladies, gentlemen, and Zo’or... After much thought, we have come up with the perfect way to alter history.”
Valtane ripped the cloth off the device. “Behold the Shipclasschangeatron!”
Dark Helmet scratched his helmet in confusion. “The what?”
“What does it do?”
“It changes the class of any starship it’s used on! What did you expect? That we’d name something the Shipclasschangeatron when it makes french fries?”
“Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed, Valtane. The ability to change the class of a starship is insignificant to the power of the Schwartz.”
“And when exactly was the last time the Schwartz was any help to us? I’ll tell you when! Way back in Season 1!”
As Dark Helmet ran crying out of the room, Dr. Frankenstein spoke. “I’ll admit your device is quite impressive, but what good is it to us?”
Janeway smirked evilly. “I’ll answer your question with another question: What keeps Star Trek on the air?”
“Greedy executives bent on milking Roddenberry’s vision for all it’s worth?”
“No, you imbecile! The fans! Star Trek has some of the most rabid fans in existence!”
“So that’s how Voyager stayed on the air for so long! The fans loved it!”
“Actually, the fans hated Voyager. God bless greedy executives! But the good guys always win because the fans expect it. If there were no fans, nobody would care if the bad guys won!”
“And this Shipclasschangeatron will help us get rid of the fans?”
“I still don’t get it...”
”Star Trek fans debate one another about everything that has to do with the show, but there’s one thing they will argue about more than anything: Wolf 359! They’ll spend hours trying to figure out the names and classes of the ships that were destroyed there by the Borg! But if the ships at Wolf 359 were to keep changing, it would drive all those fans insane and no one would be left to cheer for the good guys!”
Valtane added, “And with logic like that, how can we possibly fail?”
At the same time, the crew of the Relativity was out looking for the evil Excelsior...
Braxton was getting impatient. “It’s quiet... Too quiet... Let’s play some polka music!”
Before everyone’s eardrums were assaulted, Yar interrupted. “Sir, I’m detecting the Excelsior emerging from subspace!”
“Near Wolf 359!”
“That Borg graveyard place?”
“Yes, sir, but they’re apparently not sticking around. They’ve just entered the timestream!”
“They’re going back in time?”
“Finally! When’s the last time we all went back in time, anyway?”
Ducane answered. “That Khan two-parter from last season, sir.”
“Wow. That’s a long time. Anyway... Sulu, follow the Excelsior!”
The Relativity jumped into the timestream, on an intercept course...
However, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior had a really big head start. The ship emerged in the 24th Century amongst the wreckage of ships decimated by the first Borg invasion.
Admiral Janeway pointed at a wrecked ship on the viewscreen. “Fire the Shipclasschangeatron at that Miranda-class over there!”
Valtane squinted at the viewscreen. “Actually, isn’t that an Constitution-class?”
Rand shook her head. “No, I think it’s an Ambassador-class...”
Janeway shouted, “Shut up, all of you! I don’t care what class it is, just fire at it!”
Still way behind, the Relativity crew was trying to determine what their evil enemies’ evil plan was.
Braxton was looking over Dax’s shoulder as she analyzed the incoming data. “Have you been able to determine what point in time they were going to?”
Dax continued to punch buttons. “All data indicates that they were travelling to shortly after the first Borg invasion of the Federation.”
“Shortly after the invasion? Hmm... Could they be picking off lifeboats in hopes of killing Sisko?”
“No, sir. After the lifeboats were picked up.”
“After that? Then what’s the point?”
Ducane came running up to them with two PADDs. “Sir, I think I’ve discovered what’s going on! Take a look at this!”
Braxton took the first PADD and looked at it. “Okay, so this is the wreckage at Wolf 359. So what?”
Ducane handed Braxton the second PADD. “This is a scan of Wolf 359 that we just took here in the timestream.”
Braxton squinted at the PADD in disbelief. “I didn’t know the Kazon were at Wolf 359...”
“They weren’t, sir.”
“So what’s that wrecked Kazon ship doing there? For that matter, what’s that Breen ship doing there? And that Dominion ship?”
“I think the Excelsior crew is changing the classes of the ships at Wolf 359.”
“Why? The only thing that will accomplish is driving every Star Trek fan in existance insane...”
“Exactly! No more sane Star Trek fans means nobody will hope that the Federation wins the Vaad War!”
“In a really weird way, that’s an ingenius plan! We’ve got to stop them!”
Meanwhile, the Excelsior was crew was continuing with it’s plan to change all the ships at Wolf 359. Unfortunately, all the confusion was slowing their progress...
Admiral Janeway pointed to another ship. “Okay, now zap that Challenger-class!”
Valtane scratched his head in confusion. “Isn’t that a Galaxy-class?”
Before Valtane could use the Shipclasschangeatron again, the Relativity emerged from the timestream. Captain Braxton’s face came onscreen. “Janeway! Stop what you’re doing!”
“I don’t think so! In fact, I think the Relativity could use a good remodelling...”
“It does not! It’s only a few episodes old!”
Ducane leaned over and whispered to Braxton, “I think she means she’s going to use their device on the Relativity, sir.”
Janeway smirked. “That is indeed what I meant, Ducane! Fire the Shipclasschangeatron! Turn them into something pathetic like a Daedalus-class ship!”
Valtane tried to protest. “But Admiral, I don’t think that...”
Valtane fired the weapon. The beam lanced out from the Excelsior, struck the Relativity’s shields, bounced off, and then hit the Excelsior. It promptly transformed into a Daedalus-class vessel.
Janeway was in shock. “What just happened?”
Dukat explained. “Because we designed the Shipclasschangeatron for Wolf 359, we never took into account how the weapon would interact with shields. After all, none of these wrecks have shields...”
Captain Braxton grinned. “Dax, beam that Shipclassthingamabob off the Daedalus!”
The Shipclasschangeatron appeared on the Relativity’s bridge. Dax gave it a quick look. “I think I’ll be able to hook this thing up to our systems. We should be able to change all the ships back to normal.”
Yar pointed at the Excelsior. “What about them, sir?”
Braxton chuckled. “We’ll pick them up later. After all, it’s not like they can get away from us with that class of ship.”
Janeway was not happy. “What are we going to do now? We’re going to get captured soon!”
Dukat pointed to something on one of the walls. “Maybe this will help.”
Janeway ran over and looked. A large button was on the wall. In large text, the words “In case of change of ship class, press button” were printed. “That might work.”
Janeway grabbed a hold of Dukat’s head and rammed it into the button. In a flash, the ship changed back to normal. Dukat, with quite a concussion, fell to the floor unconscious.
Janeway got back in her seat. “Get us back to the 29th Century, Mr. Hamster!”
Seconds later, the Excelsior re-entered the timestream...
“Captain’s Log, Supplemental. The evil crew of the evil Excelsior got away. Again. But at least we foiled their evil plot. Unfortunately, repairing the damage done has proven more difficult than expected...”
The Relativity crew kept squinting at the “Before” and “After” pictures of Wolf 359. Dax pointed at one of the ships. “Okay, I think that ship there used to be a Springfield-class...”
Yar shook her head. “You’re crazy! That’s obviously a Nebula-class!”
The Doctor disagreed with them both. “It’s a New Orleans-class!”
Ducane, having gotten a headache from all the arguing, mumbled to himself, “This is going to take a while...”
Time has been under attack
*Shots of the Braxton Bunch, Evil Braxton, and Admiral Janeway*
But now one ship poses a threat to all continuity...
*Shot of the Excelsior*
No, not that ship!
*Shot of NX-01*
Yes, that ship!
*Shot of Relativity and NX-01 battling*
Will the ultimate battle
*Shot of the Excelsior emerging from the timestream*
Destroy all of history?
*Shot of a temporal observatory*
Find out as Series ? presents...
Episodes 67 & 68: “Enter: Enterprise”