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Episode 67: “Enter: Enterprise, Part I”

Written by “Krenim”

Published September 3, 2002

WARNING! Just in case you couldn’t guess from the title of the thread, this episode of Series ? is nothing but one really really big spoiler for the new Star Trek series: Enterprise. And not just spoilers for one or two episodes. The whole first season of the show is fair game, folks. So don’t come crying to me complaining about how you got spoiled for some episode(s) you haven’t seen yet when I’ve given you a nice big disclaimer and stuff.

Once again: Enterprise. First season. Megaspoilers. You have been warned.

Well, if you didn’t read this warning, you haven’t been warned. But it’s at the beginning of the story in nice red text, so if you didn’t read it, that’s your fault.

Have a nice day.

“Captain’s Log: Ducane and I have once again been called to Admiral Picard’s office to discuss a threat to all of continuity...”

The disembodied head of Admiral Picard looked more irate than usual as Captain Braxton and Lt. Ducane walked into his office. “Sit down, you two!”

Braxton and Ducane sat down. Ducane asked, “What’s going on, Admiral?”

Picard scowled. “One ship has suddenly become a threat to all of continuity!”

Braxton nodded. “Yes, the Excelsior...”

“No, not the Excelsior! This ship poses such a threat to the timeline that it makes the Excelsior look like the good ship Lollipop!”

“A ship even more evil than the Excelsior? Surely not!”

An image of the ship in question appeared onscreen on one of the walls. Ducane squinted at it. “What in the heck is that thing? Did some Akira-class ship have a transporter accident or something?”

Picard shook his head. “No. Gentlemen, this is the NX-01, the Enterprise.”

Braxton, even more confused than usual, responded, “Never heard of it.”

“Normally, I would say you were an idiot for not knowing something like this, but I hadn’t heard of it either until recently. Apparently, Berman and Braga have made the next Star Trek series a prequel with a previously-unknown Enterprise. Unfortunately, a lack of respect for continuity threatens to rip the timeline apart. I want you to go back in time and set everything right. Dismissed!”


Braxton and Ducane went back to the Relativity to prepare for the mission. Braxton went into his ready room to go over the material. Several hours later, Braxton’s screaming could be heard. “My eyes! My eyes!”

The senior staff ran into the ready room. The Doctor shoved his way past everyone else. “What’s wrong with your eyes, Captain?”

“I just watched ‘Acquisition!’”

“Was it that bad?”

Worse! The Ferengi took over the NX-01!”

“But I thought Picard made first contact with the Ferengi?”

“He did.”

“Oh, then the Ferengi must have gotten away really quickly before Archer could find out who they were.”

“Nope. Archer held them prisoner until they put everything they stole back.”

“And he didn’t ask them once who they were?”

“Apparently not.”

“That Archer must be an idiot, then. Even more of an idiot than you!”

“Yes, and if there’s one thing in the universe that you should fear, it’s that there’s someone even more of an idiot than I am! Sulu, set a course for the 22nd Century!”


At the same time that the Relativity was jumping to the timestream, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were planning their next evil plan. Suddenly, Valtane spoke up. “Admiral, the Relativity just entered the timestream.”

Janeway thought for a few seconds, then said, “Hmm... That’s strange. We haven’t done anything yet this episode. I wonder what they’re up to... Valtane, get a lock on their destination!”

“Locking... They’re headed for the mid-22nd Century.”

“Isn’t that when that new series is supposed to take place?”

“I think so, ma’am.”

“Route all info on this new series to my ready room.”


Way way back in the 22nd Century, the NX-01 continued on its mission to explore the unknown. Captain Jonathan Archer sat in the captain’s chair. Something on the viewscreen suddenly grabbed his attention. “What’s that thing over there?”

T’Pol checked the sensors. “It is an asteroid.”

“Anything interesting about it?”

“No.”

“Well, let’s go check it out anyway!”

“Why? I just said there’s nothing interesting about it.”

“Because you’re a Vulcan. I don’t trust Vulcans, and I never will. I’ll never forgive them... for the death of my son...”

“You’ve never had a son.”

“Enough of your Vulcan lies! Ensign Mayweather, set a course for the asteroid!”

As T’Pol went back to work, she muttered under her breath, “Dimwit.”

Malcolm Reed looked hungrily at the asteroid. “When we’re done looking at the asteroid, can I blow it up?”

Archer shook his head. “It’s not our mission to blow things up, Malcolm.”

“Sure it is! Look for yourself!”

Reed handed Archer a piece of paper. Archer looked it over. “This isn’t our mission statement! For one, it’s written in crayon! Every other word is misspelled, and it’s signed by you!”

Reed grabbed the paper back. “I hate you all!”

Something else suddenly appeared onscreen. Archer pointed at it. “What’s that thing over there?”

T’Pol checked the sensors again. “It appears to be a weather balloon illuminated by swamp gas.”

“Really?”

“Well, if I weren’t a Vulcan, I’d say it was some sort of temporal rift. But since all us Vulcans know that time travel is impossible, it must be a weather balloon illuminated by swamp gas.”

“And you Vulcans call yourselves logical...”

The Relativity jumped out of the timestream. Captain Braxton’s face replaced the view of space. “Captain Archer, I presume?”

Archer was in shock. “Who in the heck are you? I thought we were the only humans this far out!”

Braxton answered, “I am Captain Braxton of the Federation Timeship Relativity. Your show is ruining all of Star Trek’s history, so I’m here to do something about it. You’re going to turn your ship around and go home or else.”

“Or else what?”

“Or else we’ll blow you all up.”

Reed got all excited. “Ooh, ooh! Can I do that?”

Braxton and Archer answered in unison. “No!”

Archer turned back to Braxton. “You’re part of this whole Temporal Cold War thing, aren’t you?”

“The Temporal what?”

“The Temporal Cold War. All these different factions in the future are fighting for control of the timeline.”

“Never heard of it.”

“What century are you from, anyway?”

“The 29th! Marvel at our technology!”

“Bah. I’ve seen better. We’ve got some gizmos from the 31st Century!”

“The 31st Century? Ducane, since when were we not the most distant time dealt with in Star Trek?”

“Beats me, sir.”

A familiar voice answered Braxton’s question. “Since I arrived...”

Archer whirled his chair around to face Daniels, who had suddenly appeared on the NX-01’s bridge. “Daniels! Thank goodness you’re here! This big jerk just showed up and told us to go home!”

Daniels stepped up the viewscreen and looked straight at Braxton. “So... You’re Captain Braxton?”

“Yes, I am! I see my reputation precedes me!”

“The only reputation you have is that of the most idiotic timeship captain ever. Go back to the 29th Century where you belong or else I’ll make you.”

“Oh yeah? You and what army?”

As if on cue, the Excelsior jumped out of the timestream. Janeway’s voice came over the comm. “Him and this army!”

“Janeway? What are you doing here?”

“I’m your mortal nemesis, Braxton! You want to stop the NX-01, so I want to save it! Not only that, if Enterprise keeps ruining continuity the way it is, Voyager won’t be the worst Trek series anymore!”

Archer smirked. “It’s the three of us against you, Captain Braxton! Go away and let us explore in peace!”

Braxton thought for a few seconds. “This would be a good time for somebody to unexpectedly show up that’s on our side...”

Again, as if on cue, another ship jumped out of the timestream. This time, it was the NCC-1701: Kirk’s Enterprise!

Kirk’s voice now came over the comm. “My Enterprise. Was the. First Enterprise. This. Archer jerk. Should go home.”

Braxton smirked. “Now it’s Kirk and I against Archer, Janeway, and Daniels!”

Ducane whispered to Braxton, “Sir, the odds are still in their favor...”

“They are? No wonder I flunked probability...”

Yet another ship jumped out of the timestream. This time, it was Admiral Picard’s Flagship. The voice of the disembodied head of Admiral Picard now came over the comm. “We detected all the temporal activity here and decided that Braxton would need some backup...”

Archer looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. “All these futuristic ships fighting over us... What do we do?”

Daniels whipped out a small book. “According to the Temporal Accords, a situation like this can only be solved in one way: A Temporal Deathmatch! Archer, Janeway, and I will fight to the death against Braxton, Kirk, and Picard!”


Later, Daniels had used one of his 31st Century gizmos to set up a deathmatch arena. The senior staffs of Braxton, Janeway, Kirk, and Archer were ringside, while the rest of the crews of each ship were sitting in the stands.

T’Pol, who was standing next to Spock, said, “Shouldn’t we try to stop this somehow?”

Spock answered, “That would be illogical. If Kirk and Archer kill each other, we become the captains of our respective ships.”

The holographic referee stepped into the ring. “In the blue corner, weighing in at a combined IQ of 3: Archer, Janeway and Daniels!”

The crews of the Excelsior and the NX-01 cheered.

“In the red corner, weighing in at a combined IQ of -2: Braxton, Kirk, and Picard!”

The crews of the Relativity, Admiral Picard’s Flagship, and the NCC-1701 cheered.

“Ready... fight!

To Be Continued...


UPN Promo:

Will Braxton stop the NX-01? Will Picard be of any use in a deathmatch? Will Janeway drop dead from a caffeine overdose? Will it be none of the above? Find out next time on Star Trek: Series ?...

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.