Episode 68: “Enter: Enterprise, Part II”
Written by “Krenim”
Published September 19, 2002
WARNING! Just in case you couldn’t guess from the title of the story, this episode of Series ? is nothing but one really really big spoiler for the new Star Trek series: Enterprise. And not just spoilers for one or two episodes. The whole first season of the show is fair game, folks.
So don’t come crying to me complaining about how you got spoiled for some episode(s) you haven’t seen yet when I’ve given you a nice big disclaimer and stuff.
Once again: Enterprise. First season. Megaspoilers. You have been warned.
Well, if you didn’t read this warning, you haven’t been warned. But it’s at the beginning of the thread in nice red text, so if you didn’t read it, that’s your fault.
Have a nice day.
(By the way, I do realize that some questions posed here are answered in “Shockwave, Part II.” But remember, this episode contains Season 1 spoilers only.)
Last time Star Trek: Series ?, Admiral Picard sent Captain Braxton to stop the NX-01 from destroying all of continuity! But just as Braxton was facing down Captain Archer, Daniels showed up. After a few more shocking appearances, it wound up being Archer, Daniels, and Janeway vs. Braxton, Picard, and Kirk! According to Daniels, the only way to settle the matter was to hold a Temporal Deathmatch, and so all six are poised to kill each other! And now, the conclusion...
Dr. Phlox called to the holographic referee. “Didn’t you already say that?”
“Yes, but I said it again just in case anyone forgot that I said it in Part I.”
So the fight started. Admiral Janeway went straight for Admiral Picard. She picked up Picard’s little tank of nutrients. “At last, I have you right where I want you, Picard!”
Picard smirked. “Hah! That’s what you think! My tank of nutrients is made of transparent tritanium! Nothing can hurt me in here!”
“True, but I can shake you up a bit...”
Janeway began shaking Picard’s tank as hard as she could. Picard’s face turned green. “If I had a stomach, I think I would be throwing up...”
Janeway, however, was having the time of her life. “This is for being the captain of the best Star Trek show! I’m tired of living in your shadow!”
While Picard was being shaken and not stirred, Archer and Kirk were beating the stuffing out of each other. Kirk, however, obviously had the upper hand. Archer fell to the ground. “How are you so strong?”
“I was in. A fistfight. In nearly every. Episode. Of the original. Series. You get good. At it. After a. While.”
And with that, Kirk resumed kicking Archer’s rear end. Braxton and Daniels were locked in a stalemate. Daniels smirked. “I’ll admit that you’re far more resilient than the history books let on, Captain Braxton...”
“Well, I may be completely incompetent, but I sure am really lucky!”
“Why are you trying to stop the NX-01, anyway?”
“The ship is ruining all of continuity! At this rate, all history will be destroyed!”
“You fool! The NX-01 crew isn’t to blame for that! It’s Future Guy!”
“Yes, Future Guy! He is from a time before my own, and it is he who is destroying all of continuity!”
“He’s using the Suliban as warriors in the Temporal Cold War.”
“Never heard of them.”
Braxton yelled at Ducane. “Hey Ducane, you ever heard of the Suliban?”
Ducane’s expression changed from one of concern for the welfare of his captain to one of confusion. “The Suli-who?”
Braxton turned back to Daniels. “Well, I’m a moron, but if Ducane hasn’t heard of them, they can’t be that important.”
Daniels shrugged. “Whatever. Anyway, what do you say we call this off and all go after Future Guy?”
“Fine with me. Everyone stop the fighting!”
Kirk and Archer stopped immediately. Braxton and Daniels had to pry Janeway’s hands off Picard’s tank, though. Janeway was quite miffed. “This suddenly isn’t any fun anymore. We’re out of here.”
And with that, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior all evilly beamed away.
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. The evil Excelsior has returned to the 29th Century, and our remaining ships are now on our way to what Daniels calls a Helix. What a stupid name for something...”
Ducane leaned towards Braxton and whispered, “Actually, sir, that’s the name of your pet cat.”
“My pet cat?”
“Yes, sir. Your pet cat. Helix the Cat.”
“Since when do I have a pet cat?”
“Since our first episode. You mixed him up with the Aeon, remember?”
“Uh... Yes! I do have a pet cat! I remember now! You think three years without me giving him food or water did anything to him?”
In Braxton’s quarters, Helix the Cat jumped up on the replicator console and touched a few buttons with his paws. A huge steak and bowl of milk appeared.
“I’m sure he’s fine, sir.”
Back in the 29th Century, Gorei was in his temporal chamber letting Future Guy know how the Vaad War was going. “All is going well, my master. Well, almost everything. These Excelsior nitwits aren’t having much luck altering the timeline to suit us...”
Future Guy chuckled evilly. “No matter... At least they’re keeping Braxton busy.”
A beeping sound suddenly filled the room. Gorei looked around, trying to find the source.
“Someone’s on the other line. I’ll get right back to you.”
Back in the 22nd Century, Silik, the leader of the Suliban, was trying to get in touch with Future Guy. Future Guy’s shadowy form suddenly appeared on the platform. “Oh... It’s you. What do you want now, Silik?”
“There are several starships on an intercept course with the Helix.”
“Just look at them...”
Silik pushed a few buttons and an image of the Relativity, Admiral Picard’s Flagship, the NCC-1701, and the NX-01 appeared. Future Guy was slightly amused. “So... Braxton’s on his way to the Helix with Kirk, Picard, and Archer? This is going to be interesting...”
The small fleet of ships approached the Helix while picking off the cell ships that were trying to defend it. They finally made it to the station. Braxton hailed all of the ships. “Okay, let’s go get this Future Guy person!”
Archer’s voice came over the comm. “I’m bringing along my translator, Hoshi. We may need her to communicate with the Suliban.”
Braxton disagreed. “We don’t need a translator, Archer. In my time, our universal translators can translate any language!”
The Relativity’s computer disagreed. Actually, I’ve never heard of these Suliban, and thus I have no idea how to translate their language.
Archer’s snickering could be heard over the comm...
A few minutes later, Braxton, Kirk, Picard, Archer, Daniels, and Hoshi all beamed directly into Silik’s temporal chamber. Silik was there, and he said something.
Hoshi translated. “He says he has a turtle in his ear and that the moon is hungry.”
Silik rolled his eyes. “I was speaking English, you idiot! I said that I’ve been expecting you!”
Archer rolled his eyes as well. “Why do I keep you around, Hoshi?”
As Hoshi began crying, Braxton confronted Silik. “Where’s Future Guy?”
On cue, Future Guy’s image appeared on the platform. “I’m right here, Captain Braxton. How nice to finally meet you...”
“Finally meet me?”
“Yes, you’ve been foiling my plans for the Vaadwaur in the 29th Century...”
“You’re behind the Vaad War? You’re such a jerk!”
“And you’re such a dolt, Braxton.”
“I just have one question for you...”
“And that would be...?”
“If you’re from some point in time before the 31st Century, how do I know that you aren’t Present Guy or even Past Guy?”
Daniels whipped out a weapon and pointed it at Future Guy. “Your manipulation of the timeline ends now!”
Future Guy laughed. “Daniels, you buffoon... First of all, I’m just an image. You can’t hurt me. Second of all, if you destroy the Helix, you’ll risk causing extreme damage to the space-time continuum!”
Braxton was shocked. “Destroying my pet cat will do that?”
“The station, not your cat.”
Daniels sighed. “I hate it when the bad guys are right... But he’s right.”
As everyone prepared to beam back to their ships, Braxton pointed at Future Guy. “This isn’t over yet, Future Guy!”
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. Again. We’ve returned to the 29th Century, but not before striking a deal with Daniels. We will continue to fight Future Guy’s plans in our time while he watches over the 22nd Century. In the meantime, I intend to spend time with my pet cat...”
Captain Braxton sat in a comfy chair in his quarters with Helix on his lap. “Well, I’m glad to see you’re okay, Helix. Although I must admit it is a mystery how you’ve survived all this time without me feeding you. Now I have two mysteries to solve: How you’ve survived and why my replicator keeps wanting to make steak and milk for me...”
When the evil crew of the evil Excelsior is up for an evil award, the panel that arrives to judge them winds up being made of some of the greatest sci-fi villains ever! Will their entrance into the Star Trek universe herald a new age of doom? Or (more likely) will it herald absolute stupidity? Find out next time on Star Trek: Series ?...