Episode 71: “Harvey²”
Written by “Krenim”
Published October 20, 2002
The Relativity’s science lab shook again, causing Scorpius to fall to the floor. Scorpius tapped the Starfleet communicator he was given. “Scorpius to Braxton!”
“Can this wait, Scorpy? We have ourselves a bit of a situation up here!”
“How many times must I tell you that I do not enjoy being called Scorpy?”
“Scorpius. Sorry. Anyway, I can’t help it that the evil crew of the evil Excelsior decided to go back in time to convince Surak that being a party animal is a good thing! I’ll talk with you as soon as I can! Braxton out!”
Scorpius slowly got to his feet and tapped a few buttons on the side of his head. The assembly that housed his coolant rods slowly spun out. He then quickly replaced the spent red rod with a new blue one. As the assembly spun back into his head, Scorpius studied the red rod, and then tossed it aside with several hundred other such rods that he had used that day alone. “This is infuriating! If it wasn’t for this replicator technology these Star Trek people have, I’d have run out of coolant rods long ago! Every time my research begins to get anywhere, the Relativity and the Excelsior have yet another pointless battle, thereby upsetting my delicate instruments! Something must be done about this! Fortunately, I believe that I may just have something up my sleeve... That is, if my suit had sleeves...”
Several hours later, Harvey the Wonder Hamster awoke from his slumber. He got up, replicated some hamster food, ran around in his wheel for a while, and then left his quarters. He scurried through the evil Excelsior’s evil hallways, bobbing and weaving to avoid getting crushed by the crew’s evil boots. He finally made it to a turbolift, which he then took to the bridge.
Admiral Janeway gave her helmshamster the evil eye as he scurried to his seat. “It’s about time you got here, Mr. Hamster!”
Valtane checked the ship’s chronometer. “Actually, ma’am, Harvey’s early for his shift by three minutes...”
“First of all, I’m well aware of that! It’s just that since Zathras and the Apocalypse Box left, I’ve needed someone to pick on, so I’m picking on someone different everyday. You’re tomorrow’s victim. Secondly, it’s not crunch time yet, Mr. Valtane. I’ll tell you when.”
Dukat pointed at the wall. “Actually, it is crunch time...”
Someone had placed a clock up on the wall, with “Crunch Time” handwritten in crayon between 9:00 and 10:00. Janeway scratched her head in confusion. “So it is... So it is... Well, I’m glad that’s cleared up. Even I don’t know when crunch time is!”
While the rest of the crew snickered quietly at Janeway’s stupidity, Harvey began flying the ship. Out of the corner of his eye, though, he thought he saw somebody. But just for a second...
Braxton was astonished. “You’re going to do what?”
Ducane responded, “I’m going to go get some breakfast, sir.”
“Oh. Well, okay. Go get some breakfast.”
As Ducane stepped out of Braxton’s ready room, Scorpius stepped in. “Captain Braxton, I wish to speak with you...”
“What is it now, Scorpy?”
“I am finding these constant fights with the Excelsior most disruptive to my experiments. They must end.”
“Gee, Scorpius, what a great idea! Let’s just call Admiral Janeway, explain your situation to her, and ask her not to disrupt history anymore!”
“There’s no need to be sarcastic, Captain.”
“Sarcastic? Who’s being sarcastic? I thought it was a great idea!”
“Excuse me one moment.” Scorpius quickly replaced his coolant rod again. “There. Much better.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you this... If that whole cooling thingamajig is in your head, where in the heck is your brain?”
Scorpius was so tempted to ask Braxton the same question, but instead replied, “Anyway, Captain, I believe I have a way to deliver the Excelsior into your hands without having to fire a single shot.”
“The Excelsior would never fit in my hands, Scorpius. It’s way too big!”
Scorpius quickly replaced his coolant rod yet again. “Not literally, you buffoon! I mean that you’ll be able to capture the ship and it’s crew without having to do a thing!”
“Oh? And just how do you intend to do that?”
“Before you rescued me from the Excelsior, I implanted a neurochip inside the brain of Harvey the Wonder Hamster. Inside the chip is a neural clone of myself. In a humanoid, it takes quite some time before the clone is fully formed, but in the brain of a small rodent, it should be nearly complete. I can order the clone to take control of Harvey the Wonder Hamster, who in turn will take control of the Excelsior and deliver it to you.”
“That’s brilliant! But could you repeat everything you said after ‘implanted’? I kind of lost you after that...”
Scorpius took out another coolant rod...
After his shift was over, Harvey scurried back to his quarters and went to sleep on top of his pile of wood shavings. After he fell asleep, he began to dream. From out of the darkness imagined by the hamster, the figure of Scorpius emerged. Harvey squeaked incoherently at it.
“Technically speaking, I am not Scorpius. I am a neural clone of Scorpius implanted in your brain. You may refer to me as ‘Harvey,’ since that’s the nickname John Crichton was fond of calling another such clone.”
Harvey squeaked some more.
“Yes, I’m well aware that we have the same name. Hence this episode’s title. But you are Harvey, and I am ‘Harvey.’ I have quotation marks around my name.”
“What do I want? Well, I have just recieved a transmission from the real Scorpius. I am to deliver this ship and everyone on it to the Relativity so that you all can be taken into custody.”
Even more squeaking.
“You’re going to stop me? I don’t think so. Just sit tight for a while, rodent. This will all be over soon...”
Scorpius removed the headset-like device from his head which he had used to communicate with the neural clone. “This will all be over soon...”
The next morning, Harvey the Wonder Hamster awoke. However, with the neural clone in control, he skipped his usual routine and bolted straight for Engineering.
Once there, he found Elmo Dukat at his post. Dukat noticed his shipmate. “Harvey! I don’t see you down here much! What’s the matter?”
Harvey squeaked incoherently.
“What? Timmy’s fallen in the well again? He needs help? Okay! Everyone, follow me!”
Dukat lead all the engineering crew out of Engineering. Harvey set immediately to work...
About half an hour later, Dukat and his crew arrived on the Excelsior’s bridge. “Captain? Where’s the ship’s well?”
“Ship’s well? Dukat, you moron! This is a starship! We don’t have a well!”
“We don’t? But Harvey came down to Engineering and told me that Timmy had fallen in the well...”
“Timmy? Well? Dukat, you’ve fallen for the oldest trick in the book: The Lassie Ploy!”
Janeway tapped her communicator. “Janeway to Hamster. What’s going on down there?”
There was no response. Janeway grabbed her phaser rifle. “To Engineering!”
Several minutes later, the senior staff arrived at Engineering. Unfortunately, they couldn’t get in, as a forcefield was blocking their way. Janeway fired her phaser at the forcefield, but it didn’t do any good. Valtane scanned the area. “Harvey’s erected a Level 47 forcefield around Engineering. He’s also taken weapons and shields offline, and is piloting the ship from here.”
“Piloting it? Where?”
“Well, we still have sensors. Unfortunately, they show us heading straight for the Relativity...”
“What? Harvey, you traitor! I’ll get you for this! And your little dog, too!”
“How would a hamster have a dog for a pet?”
“Shut up, Valtane!”
Dr. Frankenstein spoke up. “Captain, I do not believe Harvey is in control of himself. I believe he has a neural clone of Scorpius in his brain that is forcing him to do this.”
“You can tell all that just by looking at him?”
“No, I just read most of this week’s script already.”
“So how do we stop him?”
Dukat pointed at the wall. “We could try that...”
On the wall, there was a large glass cupboard. On the cupboard were the words, “In Case of Forcefield, Break Glass.” Inside was a giant hammer.
Janeway shrugged. “Oh well. It doesn’t make any sense, but I’ll try anything once...”
She broke the glass, grabbed the hammer, and struck the forcefield with it. Oddly enough, the forcefield shattered. Everyone then ran in and grabbed Harvey.
Back on the Relativity the senior staff watched as the helpless Excelsior approached them. Braxton turned to Ducane. “Prepare a boarding party, Ducane. I want that ship secured.”
However, the Excelsior powered up its shields and weapons. Janeway came onscreen. “Nice try, Braxton, having Scorpius control Harvey!” She held up the hamster, who was all tied up. “But we were able to stop him! Until next time, losers!”
And with that, the Excelsior re-entered the subspace corridors...
Several hours later, Dr. Frankenstein emerged from Sickbay to meet with Janeway. Janeway asked, “Well?”
“The operation was a complete success. The neurochip has been removed.”
“Will there be any side effects?”
“No. Harvey’s brain is not complex enough to sustain the neural clone without the chip. He won’t be seeing the clone again. But what shall we do with the clone?”
“I’ve been thinking about that. As soon as Harvey’s well enough, have him set a course for the Federation Museum of Obscure Props...”
The Relativity’s senior staff assembled in the shuttlebay to bid adieu to Scorpius. Braxton asked, “Where will you go, Scorpy?”
“Scorpius, you dolt! Anyway, I think I shall go to Bajor. By studying the Bajoran Wormhole, I think my studies will proceed faster. But I shall return. Of that, you can be sure...”
And with that cryptic remark, Scorpius boarded his shuttle and departed. Suddenly, a voice came over the comm. “Bridge to Braxton.”
“The Excelsior just robbed the Federation Museum of Obscure Props.”
“Did they steal anything important?”
“Not really, sir. They just stole one thing...”
“Harvey” suddenly found himself on the floor in the back of a shuttlecraft. He stood up, dusted himself off, and looked around. He was not alone, as there were two figures sitting in the front of the shuttle. He proceeded to the front and asked, “Excuse me, where am I?”
The two figures turned around, revealing themselves to be Professor James Moriarty and Countess Regina Barthalomew...
Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, Galvatron begs Braxton for asylum! But who’s after him?