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Episode 74: “Never Ask About Nimbus III!!!”

Written by “Krenim”

Published December 1, 2002

The disembodied head of Admiral Picard rested on top of his desk. The office was dark, as all the lights were turned off. Two mysterious figures sat in the chairs in front of him. One of the figures spoke. “He’s getting close. Too close.”

Picard nodded. “Yes, I know. I’ve tried to put roadblocks in his way, but he’s adamant.”

The second figure spoke. “We’ve left this to you too long, Picard. Now we’re going to deal with this situation... our way. Patrick Ducane will not discover what happened to Nimbus III!”


Ducane stepped out of his quarters on his way to the bridge. However, he slipped and fell as soon as he was out of the door. He bumped his head fairly hard, but was otherwise okay. He looked around to see what he slipped on. Marbles were all over the floor, but just in front of his quarters.

He tapped his communicator. “Ducane to Braxton.”

“What is it, Ducane?”

“Have you lost your marbles?”

“Literally or figuratively?”

“Literally.”

“Nope.”

“Well, someone left a bunch of them outside my quarters, and I nearly killed myself when I slipped on them!”

“Don’t worry, Ducane. I’ll fix this up right away!”


Several hours later, Ducane and Yar were walking down the corridor towards Ducane’s quarters. In front of every single door was a large can marked “Proper Marble Recepticle.” Ducane sighed. “I don’t think this is what I had in mind...”

Yar shrugged. “Oh well. Hey, what’s that in front of your quarters?”

A small box labelled “Ducane Snacks” sat in front of Ducane’s quarters. A cord ran from it, up the wall, and to an anvil hanging from the ceiling. Ducane scoffed. “Oh please... This has got to be the most pathetic trap ever!”

“Braxton?”

“Nah. The idiocy level is about right, but he has no reason to be out to kill me.”

“Who would be out to kill you?”

“Well, I have been spending a lot of free time working on my pet project.”

“And that would be?”

“Finding out what happened to Nimbus III.”

“Never ask about Nimbus III!”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. It’s just what I’ve always been taught.”

“Me too. But planets just don’t go around vanishing like that. And I think I’m close to figuring out what happened.”

“Well, someone obviously doesn’t want you to figure it out. Someone idiotic, but someone nonetheless.”

“Maybe we can find out. Has anyone beamed aboard lately?”

“Lots of people. Most of them unauthorized transports, too.”

“Most of them? Why didn’t you report them?”

“Well, there are so many unauthorized transports in the Star Trek universe that we just ignore most of them now.”

“Hmm... Then we’ll just have to set a trap for my assassin!”

As Ducane and Yar walked off, the two mysterious figures lurked in the darkness. The one thwacked the other on the head. “I told you those were the stupidest traps ever! Now he’s on to us! We’re doing this my way now!”


A crashtest dummy wearing a Starfleet uniform was propped up against a corridor wall. Hanging around it’s neck was a small recorder, which kept on repeating the same phrase. “Oh no! I am Ducane and I am all alone where anyone could kill me!”

The real Ducane and Yar hid themselves and waited for something to happen. Something did happen, it just wasn’t what they were waiting for. Braxton showed up. “Aha! There you are Ducane! I’ve been looking for you!”

“Oh no!”

“Don’t worry, it’s not that serious.”

“I am Ducane and I am all alone where anyone could kill me!”

“Well, we’ll fix that. I’ll escort you to your quarters.”

“Oh no!”

“What? You don’t want to go to your quarters?”

“I am Ducane and I am all alone where anyone could kill me!”

“Fine. We’re going to your quarters.”

Braxton picked up the Ducane-dummy and carried him off. Ducane rolled his eyes. “Well, that didn’t go well...”

“Yeah, but at least we got to see two dummies talking to each other...”

Ducane grinned, but then quickly got serious again. “We need another plan. One that will be sure to draw out my assassins.”

Yar thought for a minute, then said, “I think I’ve got an idea. But we need to get the captain’s permission first.”

The two sped off after Braxton. Unfortunately, they found him in front of Ducane’s quarters knocked unconscious with a box of Ducane Snacks in his hands...


The Doctor performed some scans on Braxton while the rest of the senior staff looked on. Ducane asked, “How is he going to be, Doctor?”

“Well, the captain is lucky that he’s so thick-skulled. He just has a nasty concussion. But he’ll be out for a while.”

“Then I guess I’m in command. I’m about to issue an order in direct violation of Starfleet General Order 4747. Sulu, set a course for the Nimbus system. Maximum hyperwarp.”


A short time later, the Relativity arrived in the Nimbus system. Sulu asked, “What are we doing here, anyway?”

Yar answered, “Hopefully finding out what really happened to Nimbus III.”

“Never ask about Nimbus III!”

“Yeah yeah.”

Suddenly, the turbolift opened and the two mysterious figures stepped out. Everyone was shocked at their identities. Dax was the first to speak. “Admiral Ross and Luther Sloan?”

Indeed, it was the two Deep Space Nine recurring characters. Sloan coldly answered, “Yes, it’s us. And we’re here to keep not only the Federation, but all of Star Trek safe.”

Ducane was skeptical. “How? By eliminating me?”

Ross answered, “No, by killing you.”

Sloan slapped Ross. “You idiot! They’re the same thing!”

Yar whispered to Ducane, “Well, at least we know which one came up with the Ducane Snacks...”

Sloan continued. “The secret of Nimbus III must be kept at all costs!” And with that, he whipped out a little device and pushed a button on it.

All of a sudden, the image on the viewscreen changed. Instead of the Nimbus system, two planets were all that were to be seen. Nothing else, not even stars...

Ducane grabbed Sloan by the collar. “What have you done?!?!”

Sloan merely smirked. “You wanted to know what happened to Nimbus III? Well, here it is!”

Dax checked the sensors. “It’s Nimbus III alright...”

Sloan explained. “Do you know what the greatest threat to all of Star Trek was?”

Voyager?”

“No, not even Voyager was that awful! I’m talking about Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, the only truly awful Star Trek movie ever made! A real stinker! It was then that Section 31 decided to get rid of all evidence the movie ever existed. Everything except for the Enterprise-A and her crew was sent into a pocket universe, never to be heard from again! It took us a while to do it. We didn’t get Klaa until after Star Trek VI. But peace was restored to Star Trek. We can’t afford anyone learning what really happened, so anyone who gets close is eliminated. We couldn’t get you easily, so we had to resort to desperate measures: We’ve sent your ship into the pocket universe! None of us will ever escape! Hahahahaha!”

And with that, Sloan tossed his device on the floor and then phasered it out of existance.

Everyone was in shock. However, everyone snapped out of it when they were hailed by an approaching ship. It appeared to be Klaa’s Bird of Prey. Ducane sat back in the captain’s chair. “Onscreen.”

Captain Klaa, along with Sybok, St. John Talbot, Caithlin Dar, and Korrd, appeared. Klaa looked confused. “Hey... None of you are from Star Trek V!”

“No, we’re not. We were investigating the mystery of Nimbus III, but we were apparently getting too close.” Ducane pointed at Sloan and Ross. “These two sent us here to shut us up.”

“I see. Well, welcome to our little universe. Nimbus III and Sha-Ka-Ree are behind us.”

“I don’t think we’re going to be spending that much time here. I’m betting if these two know how to get us here, they know how to get us out.”

Sloan sneered. “We’ll never tell you! We can’t risk any of them getting out and infecting continuity once again!”

Ross added, “Yeah, what he said!”

Klaa thought for a second. “Oh, I think you’ll talk. May we beam over?”

Ducane nodded. “Sure, why not.”

Seconds later, Klaa and Sybok were on the Relativity’s bridge. Sybok went up to Sloan. “Each of us hides a secret pain... Share it with me!”

Sybok did his freaky mind control thing on Sloan, but it apparently didn’t work. Sloan laughed. “Ha! You’ll never get it out of me!”

So Sybok turned to Ross and did his freaky mind control thing again. This time, it worked. Ross fell to his knees. “I admit it! My secret pain is that I’m an idiot!”

Sloan was disgusted. “Here’s a newsflash, Ross: It’s not a secret!”

But Ross ignored him. Sybok told him, “Tell this crew how to get us all out of here.”

Ross nodded and proceeded to tell Dax everything she needed to know...


Several hours later, Dax and Damar completed the device that would allow them to escape. Sybok and Klaa were very happy. “At last, we’re getting out of here!”

Ducane responded. “Well, we’re getting out of here. You’re another story. Dax, beam them back to the Bird of Prey and then get us out of here!”

Before Klaa and Sybok could object, they vanished in a flash of blue light and reappeared on their own ship. Damar then activated the device and the Relativity returned to normal space.

Sloan was dumbfounded. “You left them there?”

Ducane nodded. “What do you take us for, idiots? We’re not going to let them loose! And we’re not going to tell anyone else about this, either.”

“Then our work here is done. Come along, Ross.”

Sloan whipped out another device and activated it. The two promptly vanished.

Ducane let out a sigh of relief. “Well, all’s well that ends well. Except for Braxton, who has major cranial trauma...”

And so, the Relativity left the Nimbus system, keeping the secret of Nimbus III with them...


UPN Promo:

What’s Khan’s latest master plan? Find out in the next episode!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.