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Episode 75: “The Grapes of Wrath of Khan”

Written by “Krenim”

Published December 10, 2002

Khan Noonien Singh found himself before the Federation Council on trial for the crimes he committed last season. One of the Council members stood up to address Khan. “You stand accused of committing crimes against history! How do you plead?”

Khan answered, “Not guilty.”

“So noted. Where’s your counsel?”

“Aren’t you the council?”

“Not council, you idiot! Counsel!”

“I don’t follow...”

“Your lawyer?”

“Oh. I’m representing myself.”

“Okay then. Get on with it.”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the counsel...”

“Council.”

“Whatever. I intend to prove that I did not try to change history. I instead tried to change it back.”

“And how exactly do you figure that?”

“Have you ever heard of the Eugenics Wars?”

“I can’t say that I have.”

“Exactly! According to the original series episode ‘Space Seed’ and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, I was a despot on Earth during the Eugenics Wars in the 1990’s. However, later episodes of Star Trek seem to have completely forgotten them!”

“But Mr. Khan, there were no Eugenics Wars in the 1990’s.”

“Yes, there were! I’d like to submit Exhibit A, which is a tape of ‘Space Seed,’ Exhibit B, which is a tape of Star Trek II, and Exhibit C, which is a copy of the Star Trek Chronology.”

“Very well.”

“I also intend to show that not only was I completely justified in my actions, but I was destined to go back in time! To this end, I have brought with me a lot of charts and graphs!”

“I like charts and graphs.”

“I thought you might...”

And so Khan went over his charts and graphs for hour after hour after hour. By the time he finally ended his defense, the entire Council had fallen asleep.

“...and so I rest my case!”

The Council was still asleep, so Khan repeated himself. “I rest my case!

They finally woke up. “Excellent speech, Mr. Khan. We are now ready to rule on this case.”

The prosecution was quite annoyed. “I object! I haven’t even gotten to say a word!”

“Yeah, well, we need to get this episode rolling. Mr. Khan, you are found guilty of tampering with the timeline, but since you did sort of alter history in a way you were supposed to, we sentence you to time served. You shall be sent home immediately.”

“Excellent. It’ll be good to get back to my store.”

“We’re not sending you to your store, Mr. Khan.”

“You’re not?”

“No, we’re sending you back to Ceti Alpha V.”

This is Ceti Alpha Five!

“Nice try.”

“Aw...”


A little while later, a Federation transport ship arrived in orbit around the harsh desert world of Ceti Alpha V. Khan was dressed in a strange outfit, awaiting transport. “Why am I wearing this stupid getup?”

One of the guards smiled. “Well, it’s like this... Remember that orbital skydiving outfit from ‘Extreme Risk’ that was supposed to be seen in Star Trek: Generations but wasn’t?”

“I guess so.”

“Well, the suits at Paramount want to get the most for their money.”

“I see. But why am I wearing it?”

Khan’s question was answered seconds later when he was thrown out an airlock. He began screaming as he was pulled down to the planet below. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Khan then took a deep breath. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Hey, wait a minute... This is an orbital skydiving outfit! It’s got a parachute!”

He pulled the cord. Unfortunately for him, there was no parachute. He then promptly began screaming again. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Eventually, Khan hit the ground. He could be heard moaning, “It’s okay... These jagged rocks broke my fall...”

And with that, he lost Khansciousness. Oops, I mean consciousness.


Khan awoke to find himself alive. Not only that, he was in a bed and all bandaged up. He looked around and saw a man sitting beside him. Khan recognized him. “Joachim!”

“Actually, sir, I’m Joaquin.”

“Whatever. It’s good to see you, my friend! But what are you doing here? I thought you were dead!”

“We could say the same thing about you.”

We?”

“Yeah, all your followers are here on Ceti Alpha V.”

This is Ceti Alpha Five!

“Way to state the obvious, boss.”

“Sorry, I just can’t help myself.”

“Anyway, you arrived just in time. We’ve nearly got the Botany Bay all repaired so we can get off this barren world.”

“That’s great! And now that I’m here, I can boss you all around again! Hey... Is Marla here?”

“No, she’s dead. Funny how we all get blown up by the most powerful weapon ever devised and live and she gets a slug in her ear and she stays dead...”


Several weeks later, the Botany Bay was completed and Khan was all healed up from the injuries that should have killed him were this not a parody and thus only subject to the laws of physics when I say so.

Khan inspected the ship. “Excellent work, Joaquin!”

“I’m Joachim, sir.”

“Whatever. So this will take us anywhere we want to go?”

“Yes, sir. We even managed to fashion a hyperwarp drive.”

“Really?”

“Yes. We were inspired after watching a few episodes of MacGyver.”

“Well, now I can set in motion my master plan!”

“So where are we headed to, sir?”

“Set a course for the planet... Risa!”

Everyone got in the Botany Bay and it was launched into outer space...


“The Khan Song”

(To the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies")

Let me tell you all a story ‘bout a man named Khan
He was really smart but his sanity was gone
One day he was sent back to Ceti Alpha Five
Where the parts of an evil plan started to jive

The next thing you know ol’ Khan’s shot into space
And zooming off to Risa like he’s in some starship race
Who knows what’s going on in the mind of this crazy man?
Just keeping watching this episode to see his master plan!


A short time later, the Botany Bay re-entered normal space near Risa. Khan smiled wickedly. “Excellent work, Joachim!”

“Actually, my name is Barney.”

“Whatever! Hit the brakes on this thing and we’ll beam down to the planet.”

“Brakes, sir?”

“Yes, you know, the things that stop a vehicle.”

“We knew we were forgetting something...”

So the Botany Bay plummeted down and crashed on Risa. Luckily, Khan’s genetically engineered goons didn’t forget airbags, so everyone was okay.

Khan looked around at the paradise surrounding him. “This shall be our new empire! We shall remake this planet in our image!”

Joaquin asked, “We’re going to carve our faces on the planet’s surface?”

“No... We will make Risa as Earth was in the 1990’s! Everyone will listen to grunge music and wear plaid shirts and so on, and as the apex of the 1990’s, we will reign supreme!”

“And how exactly are we going to get everyone to think 90’s stuff is cool?”

“Because I will tell them so!”

“What if they don’t listen to you?”

“Oh, they’ll listen to me. Nobody ignores someone with this manly a chest!”

“Give it up. We all know that’s not your real chest.”

“It is so! Now watch and learn!”

Khan whipped out some plaid shirts and some grunge music CDs and went up to some vacationers. “Excuse me, but would you like these?”

“Plaid shirts and grunge music? Didn’t those go out of style about a millenia ago?”

“My chest says they didn’t...”

The vacationers looked at Khan’s chest and were instantly mesmerized. “We will do whatever you say...”

Khan smiled evilly and handed out his 90’s stuff...


Before you could say “disestablishmentarianism,” the entire planet of Risa went retro. Khan and his supermen, being living legends from the 90’s, were now in charge. Khan was enjoying his celebrity status by catching some sun when a shadow fell over him. He was quite annoyed. “Someone’s in my sun...”

“Yeah, that would be me.”

Khan looked up. Captain Braxton was standing over him. “Braxton?”

“Yes, it is I! And it’s about time, too. I was beginning to think I wasn’t even in this episode. Anyway, you are under arrest for tampering with the timeline!”

“Tampering with the timeline? I’m doing no such thing! I’m only hypnotizing an entire planet and making them my slaves. There’s nothing wrong with that...”

“Khan, Star Trek is supposed to be a futuristic show. By trying to send Risa back to the 1990’s, you’re ruining everything!”

“Hmm... Why don’t you look at my supermanly chest and tell me I’m wrong...”

“Oh no you don’t! And that’s not your real chest, either!”

With that, Braxton whipped out a blowgun and fired it at Khan’s chest. The dart hit its target. Khan started bleeding profusely and was in quite a bit of pain. Braxton chuckled nervously. “Oops... I guess that is your real chest... Silly me...”


Soon Khan’s goons were rounded up and the hypnotizing effects of Khan’s chest wore off. But one question remained...

Ducane and Braxton were in the Relativity’s brig where Khan and his goons were being held. Ducane asked, “What are we going to do with them, sir?”

“Well, we can’t let them loose, they’ll just do this again. And I don’t think imprisoning them will work, they’ll just get away. So... If Khan wants to relive the 90’s, let’s send him to the one place in the galaxy where it’s okay to be retro...”


Khan Noonien Singh and his supermen appeared in flashes of blue light somewhere.

Khan looked around. “Where are we?”

All of a sudden, they were greeted by several people wearing Starfleet uniforms from the original series. “Welcome to Sigma Iotia II. Say... Are those plaid shirts and grunge music CDs? We just love those sorts of things here!”

Khan raised an eyebrow in true Vulcan fashion, then remarked, “I think we’re going to like it here...”


UPN Promo:

When the Vaadwaur get themselves some new allies, will the Federation fall before them? Find out in the next (possibly) exciting episode of Star Trek: Series ?.

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.