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Episode 79: “Out Like a Lamb” (Season 4 Premiere)

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 7, 2003

Previously, on Star Trek: Series ?...

The evil crew of the evil Excelsior seemingly manage to defeat Braxton and the Relativity crew when they crash during one of their battles. However, it was all a trap to plant a subspace beacon on the Excelsior so they could track it anywhere. Gorei’s plot to invade Earth is discovered when the Excelsior’s beacon joins up with a subspace disturbance caused by all the enemy ships using the same subspace corridors at the same time. A fleet is hastily assembled to fend off the approaching Vaadwaur, and it seems as though the defenders manage to pull off the impossible by winning... But then Gorei launches some sort of weapon at Earth, and it vanishes in a flash of light!

And now the continuation...

Braxton and company slowly got out of their seats and stared out into space where Earth used to be. Cutting through the silence was Gorei’s continued deranged laughter.

Ducane managed to snap himself out of his stupor. “Dax... What just happened?” He looked to Dax, who was still in shock. “Dax!!!

Dax came to her senses and began working furiously at her console. “Well, I can tell you the planet wasn’t destroyed... No debris.”

Gorei’s laughter, still coming over the comm system, finally ceased, and he began speaking. “Federation fleet, you may have noticed that the crowning jewel of the Federation is no longer where it is supposed to be. We have taken Earth into the subspace corridor network, and our ships are there waiting to seize control of it. If you ever want to see your precious planet again, you will all surrender to me immediately...”


Star Trek:
Series ?

Based Upon

Star Trek
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Star Trek: Voyager
Enterprise
Babylon 5
Farscape
Star Wars
Transformers
The X-Files
Spaceballs
Frankenstein
and a whole bunch of other shows/movies

Starring

Allan Royal
or
Bruce McGill
(Whomever you prefer)
as
Captain Braxton

Jay Karnes
as
Lt. Commander Ducane

George Takei
as
Captain Sulu

Denise Crosby
as
Lt. Yar

Casey Biggs
as
Damar

Terry Farrell
as
Lt. Commander Dax

Jennifer Lien
as
Kes

Robert Picardo
as
The Doctor


Braxton was stupified. “What in the heck was that?”

Ducane answered, “I think Gorei basically just told us to surrender or we’ll never see the Earth again.”

“I wasn’t referring to that, Ducane! I was referring to all those words and stuff we just cut to!”

“Oh. Well, we had our budget increased this season, so we now have credits.”

“Out Like a Lamb”

Braxton pointed to the words that just appeared. “And that?”

“Episode title, sir.”

Braxton swatted at the words, but it didn’t do any good. “Make the words go away! They frighten me!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but it’s kind of out of my hands...”

Guest Starring

Patrick Stewart
as
The Disembodied Head of Admiral Picard

“Opening credits?”

“Yup.”

“Will the madness never cease?”

“With the amount of guest stars we usually have on the show? Probably not.”

Kate Mulgrew
as
Admiral Janeway


Meanwhile, Gorei was waiting for a response to his demands when one of his crewmembers came up to him. He was looking quite nervous. “Uh... Sir?”

“Must you interrupt me in my moment of evil triumph?”

“I’m afraid I must, sir.”

Rick Moranis
as
Dark Helmet

“Fine. What is it?”

“It appears that we have made a slight... miscalculation.”

‘Miscalculation’? Why do I not like the sound of that?”

“Well, you know how we were supposed to send Earth into the subspace corridor where our ships were waiting for it?”

“Yes...”

“Well, it didn’t show up.”

“It didn’t show up?”

“Yes, sir... I think we sent it to the wrong corridor.”

“Then get our ships into the right corridor!”

Grace Lee Whitney
as
Janice Rand

“That’s just it, sir... We’re not sure which corridor it went to, and by now, the subspace currents could have carried it quite some distance.”

“Are you telling me that you lost the Earth?!?!”

“Uh... Yes?”

“This can still work. Those Federation nitwits have no idea we lost their planet. They’ll still surrender to us.”

Admiral Picard’s voice came over the comm. “Actually, we heard everything. You never closed the comm channel after your demands.”

Gorei tried to think fast. “Uh... And that was my impression of someone with incompetent lackeys!”

“Nice try. Say goodbye, Gorei...”

“Goodbye, Gorei?”

The Federation fleet opened fire on the Vaadwaur. The unprepared invaders quickly found themselves losing miserably.

Jeremy Roberts
as
Dmitri Valtane

Gorei was not happy. He opened a channel to his fleet. “This plan has failed miserably. Prepare to withdraw back to the Delta Quadrant.”


Onboard the Admiral Picard’s Flagship, Admiral Picard watched as the Vaadwaur fleet began phasing back into subspace. “You’re not getting away that easily... fire the photon torpedo!

Picard’s tactical officer looked at him like he was crazy. “The photon torpedo? What good will that do? That technology was archaic centuries ago! I don’t even know why you brought it aboard...”

“Just do it!”

The officer complied, and a single torpedo was launched in the direction of the disappearing Vaadwaur fleet...


Gorei’s ship had already entered subspace and was on its way back into the Delta Quadrant. The Vaadwaur leader breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, at least nothing else can go wrong...”

Frank Oz
as
Yoda

All of a sudden, the ship started shaking horribly. Consoles started exploding all over the place.

Gorei shouted, “What’s going on?”

His helmsman shouted back, “There’s some sort of massive subspatial shockwave on our tails! It’s ripping our fleet to shreds!”

Sure enough, huge bolts of energy will causing the vast majority of the ships behind them to blow up.

Gorei shook his head. “Someone stop me the next time I start to say nothing else can go wrong...”


Aboard the Relativity, the crew just stared at the huge spatial rift that Picard’s torpedo had created.

Yar was the first to speak. “Why didn’t anybody tell me photon torpedoes could do that? I could have had fun with those centuries ago!”

Ducane asked, “Picard did say ‘photon torpedo,’ didn’t he?”

Braxton nodded. “He did indeed...”

Colin Clive
as
Dr. Frankenstein

“And how the heck much longer are these stupid credits going to roll?”

All of a sudden, everything faded to black...


...to be replaced with a black and white rotating swirl.

“You will buy beets... You will buy beets... You will buy beets...”

(Paid for by the Committee to Hypnotize Everyone in the World into Buying Beets)

The image then faded to black...


...to be replaced by Braxton and Ducane again.

Braxton was now even more confused. “And what in the heck was that?”

“A commercial, sir.”

“Commercial? Since when do we have commercials?”

“That’s how we got the budget increase, sir.”

“Let me get this straight... We have to put up with these commercials, which are stupid, to put up with these credits, which are stupid?”

“That’s about it.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of! Cancel the commercials! Get rid of the credits!”

Marc Alaimo
as
Elmo Dukat

“I said get rid of the credits!”

“It’s too late to make changes to this episode, sir. But they’ll be gone by the next one.”

“They’d better be!”


Meanwhile, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior had evilly retreated to a remote sector of space. The entire evil senior staff had evilly gathered in the evil Observation Lounge to discuss recent events...

Zo’or was quite irate. “You should have stayed and continued to fight! Gorei will be very cross with you!”

Janeway snapped at him. “Gorei was already furious at us for that whole subspace beacon thing. Besides, it was a win-win scenario for us. If Gorei won, that idiot Braxton and his crew would be defeated. If Braxton won, then Gorei would be defeated and we wouldn’t be under his thumb anymore.”

Anita La Selva
as
Zo’or

“And why the heck are we listed as guest stars, anyway? We’re in just as many episodes as Braxton and his goody-goodies! Well okay... Maybe not as many. But close.”

Dark Helmet spoke up. “What do we do now?”

“I think we should hide out here for a few episodes. Do repairs. Hope Gorei cools off, if he even survived.”

Zo’or continued to protest. “It is our duty to serve the Vaadwaur! We should go back...”

The Taelon didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence before Hawk knocked him out. Everyone looked at Hawk. Hawk replied, “Well, someone had to shut him up...”


Meanwhile, what little remained of Gorei’s fleet made it back to Vaadwaur Prime. Gorei sat upon his throne as one of his lackeys handed him a damage report. “Sir, 47% of our fleet was destroyed...”

Harvey the Wonder Hamster
as
Himself

“Don’t bother me right now! I’m watching the credits to find out who’s playing me! I’m one of the few original characters on this show!”

“The episode’s almost over, sir. I don’t think they’re even going to get to you...”

“They’d better get to me! Anyway, this is a setback, but nothing we can’t handle. We have more than enough ships to hold the line. It’ll just be a little while before we can go back on the offensive.”

“What about the Excelsior crew?”

“I’m sure they’re laying low, in an evil sort of way. When they make themselves known, I want to have a friendly chat with them. And by ‘have a friendly chat with’ I mean ‘cause a vast amount of pain to...’”


On the Relativity, Captain Braxton met with Damar and Xaronna, who were working on repairs in Engineering. “So how long will it take to complete repairs?”

Xaronna answered, “Approximately 47 years, sir.”

“47 years?!?! Inconceivable!”

“Well, okay, it won’t take 47 years. I’ve been reading books by other Star Trek engineers to become better at my job.”

With that, Xaronna held up a book entitled, How to be Thought of as a Miracle Worker by Montgomery Scott. “He says that giving a longer repair time than is actually needed will make the captain appreciate you more.”

“Okay... Well, how long will it actually take?”

“Five minutes.”

Lise Simms
as
Xaronna

“Five minutes?!?! Inconceivable!”

Xaronna held up another book, entitled, How to Repair Your Ship in a Ludicrously Small Amount of Time by B’Elanna Torres.

Braxton replied, “Should have seen that one coming... Anyway, I have to get going. Ducane and I are meeting Admiral Picard...”


Braxon and Ducane seated themselves at the desk of their disembodied superior. Braxton began by asking, “Sir, that wasn’t really a photon torpedo, was it?”

“Of course it was. Wait... You thought I said ‘photon torpedo,’ didn’t you? I said ‘faux-ton torpedo.’”

“Faux-ton torpedo?”

“Yes, it’s a highly destructive subspace weapon. By using it, we were able to attack the Vaadwaur fleet while it was in subspace.”

Ducane piped up. “But aren’t such weapons banned by the Second Khitomer Accords?”

“Khitomer Accords, Shmitomer Accords. Besides, all we did was fire a photon torpedo... Heh heh heh...”

“What about Earth?”

“That’s an entirely different matter... We’ve projected that the Earth could survive indefinitely in the subspace corridors with their current power reserves. But we’re in a race against time, gentlemen. We have to get Earth out of the corridors before the Vaadwaur find it.”

“And how do we do that?”

A creepy and mysterious voice came from the shadows behind Picard. “That is where I come in...”

Scorpius stepped out of the shadows. Braxton shouted, “Hi Scorpy! Uh... I mean Scorpius...”

Picard rolled his eyes. “Starfleet has decided to provide Scorpius with all the resources he needs to continue his wormhole research at full speed. We’re hoping his technology will allow us to pull Earth back into normal space. In the meantime, your mission is to try to find other ways of saving Earth, while continuing to do all the other stuff you usually do. Dismissed!”

Braxton and Ducane stepped out into the corridor. Ducane asked, “What are your orders, sir?”

“Ready the ship to leave Starbase 47 as soon as possible. I have a plan...”

“A plan, sir? I think you’ve had maybe one good plan this entire series. Maybe.”

“No, seriously. It’s a good plan. But first, we need to stop by Groceria VI, the grocery planet. I have the strangest craving for beets...”


UPN Promo:

Desperate to end the Vaad War and save the Earth, Braxton and crew seek help... but from whom? Find out in the next episode!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.