Episode 80: “The Federation Strikes Back”
Written by “Krenim”
Published March 20, 2003
“Captain’s Log. The Relativity has left Groceria VI on a course for the mysterious planet of Organia. One of the things you learn in the timeship business is that history repeats itself... And Earth’s fate may depend on it...”
In the Observation Lounge, Braxton was explaining the reasoning behind his plan. “Centuries ago, the Federation and the Klingons were about to go to war over the planet Organia. Although the planet had little in the way of technology, it was strategically important to both sides. While both sides wrestled for control, the Organians seemed completely indifferent to the situation. Finally, with the Federation and Klingon fleets about to engage each other, the Organians revealed themselves to be highly evolved noncorporeal beings. They stopped both fleets and imposed the Organian Peace Treaty upon both sides.”
Ducane nodded. “We already knew that, sir. Everybody here knows that.”
“Yes, well, I was summing things up for those who haven’t watched much of the original series... Anyway, my plan is this: We go to Organia and grovel like we’ve never groveled before! If we’re lucky, the Organians will stop the Vaad War and restore Earth to its proper place.”
Yar frowned. “You expect us to win this war by groveling? You fool! Everyone knows that the only way to win a war is to blow a lot of stuff up! And I’m not just saying that because I like to blow things up...”
Sulu replied, “Actually, I agree with Captain Braxton. Wait, that doesn’t sound right... I agree with Captain Braxton. That just sounds so wrong for some reason. Anyway, I was there the first time around. If anybody can put an end to this war and rescue Earth from subspace, it’s the Organians...”
Meanwhile, in the evil brig of the evil Excelsior, Zo’or was cooling his jets in one of the cells. The brig doors opened, and Hawk stepped inside. “Time for lunch, Zo’or.”
“How many times do I have to tell you... Taelons don’t eat.”
“You’ll eat it and like it!”
“And I resent being incarcerated like this. I am the Vaadwaur envoy for this ship!”
“Exactly. We’re still laying low, and we can’t afford to have you tip off Gorei as to where we’re hiding.”
“You’ll pay for this, human!”
“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I have to go feed our other prisoner...”
Several hours later, the Relativity arrived in orbit around the planet Organia. The senior staff beamed down to the surface. They found things much as they were during Kirk’s time: The Organians were maintaining the facade of a primitive culture.
Braxton walked up to one of the Organians. “Excuse me.”
The Organian looked at Braxton. “My, you’re a stupid one, aren’t you?”
“Wow! I didn’t know you were telepathic, too!”
“We’re not. It’s just that you completely ignored that ‘Do Not Step on the Grass’ sign over there.”
“Anyway, what can I do for you?”
“We need you to stop a war. And save a planet.”
“And why should we do this for you?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do?”
“But you Organians stopped the Federation and the Klingons from going to war all those years ago.”
“That was different.”
“They were both here annoying the heck out of us. So we stopped their war.”
“So... What you’re saying is if our enemies invade your planet, you’ll help us?”
But Braxton wasn’t paying attention. He had instead gone back to the rest of his senior staff. “Okay, in order for them to help us, we need to get the Vaadwaur to invade Organia!”
Yar scratched her head in confusion. “You want the Vaadwaur to invade a planet?”
“Yes! And I think I’ve got an idea of how to do it, too...”
The next day, Dax, Damar, and Xaronna all stumbled onto the Relativity’s bridge. Dax mumbled, “We’re done. Can we get some sleep now?”
Braxton replied, “Not yet! I want to see it first! Onscreen!”
An image of Organia appeared on the viewscreen. Orbiting the planet along with the Relativity was a very large sign, which read as follows:
We don’t like you.
Braxton smiled stupidly. “Your captain is pleased.”
Xaronna desperately asked, “Can we sleep now? We spent all night working on that thing!”
“Not yet. For soon the Vaadwaur will read the sign, and they will invade! Then the Organians will end the war and save Earth!”
Ducane interrupted his superior’s ranting. “Sir, this plan will never work...”
“Really. First of all, while that sign is really really big, there’s no way the Vaadwaur will ever see it all the way on the other side of the galaxy in subspace. Secondly, the sign is large enough that it’s blocking the sun shining on Organia. It’s getting kind of cold down there...”
“Details, details. Let us wait for my plan to work...”
Meanwhile, under the Delta Quadrant... Well, not technically under, but you get the idea...
Gorei sat upon his big creepy throne, still quite annoyed by the way things were going. All of a sudden, one of his lackeys ran in holding something. “Quick, sir! Look through this magic telescope!”
“We swiped it off the set of the new Harry Potter movie.”
“Uh huh. And what does it do?”
“It allows you to see really far away into normal space. Now take a look!”
“Does Harry Potter even have a telescope that does that?”
Gorei looked through the telescope. “Oh my goodness, look at the size of that sign! It says...
We’re not here. Really.
You’re wasting my time by showing me someplace the Excelsior isn’t?”
“No, not that sign! This sign!”
The lackey rotated Gorei’s head around a bit. Gorei suddenly saw the other sign. “What?!?! They don’t like us?!?! I won’t take this laying down! I won’t take this sitting down either! Get together a few ships and invade Organia!”
Hours later, the Relativity crew was still on the bridge waiting for Braxton’s plan to kick in.
Braxton asked, “See any Vaadwaur yet?”
Everyone shook their heads. Well, everyone except for Dax, Damar, and Xaronna. They had fallen asleep. Literally.
Finally, Sulu spotted a few flashes of orange light as several Vaadwaur ships emerged from subspace. “They’re heeeeeeeeeeeeere!”
Braxton shouted, “Hooray! My plan worked! Let’s go down the surface and set the rest of my plan in motion!”
Down on a cold, snowy Organia, a Vaadwaur captain was harassing the local populace of superbeings. “Do we build giant signs telling you we don’t like you? I think not!”
Braxton ran up to the same Organian he had been talking to earlier. “Okay, I got the Vaadwaur to invade. Will you stop the war and save the Earth now?”
“You brought them here, you idiot!”
“We can see the sign.”
Braxton looked up. Sure enough, there was the sign.
Finally, the Organian had enough. He waved his hand.
All the Relativity crew appeared back on their bridge, with Dax, Damar, and Xaronna still sleeping away on the floor.
Back in the Delta Quadrant, the Vaadwaur ships and their occupants reappeared in orbit around Vaadwaur Prime.
Braxton sighed. “Well, I guess we’d better be on our way.”
Ducane asked, “What gave you that idea?”
“Insight, Ducane. Insight.”
As the ship left orbit, the giant sign disappeared. But just before it did, it could be seen to read:
Dear Captain Braxton:
Go away. Or else.
On the next episode of Series ?, President Sheridan comes to the Star Trek universe... to destroy it!