Episode 82: “Satan’s Robot Conquers the Alpha Quadrant”
Written by “Krenim”
Published April 6, 2003
“Captain’s Log: After several wacky misadventures, the crew apparently needs some downtime. Therefore, I have followed the Doctor’s advice and set a course for something known as a ‘drive-in theater.’”
The Relativity dropped out of hyperwarp besides several other assorted ships. In front of the ships were numerous small devices floating in space.
Braxton turned to the Doctor. “You’re going to have to explain this ‘drive-in’ concept to me one more time...”
The Doctor sighed. “Way back in the 20th Century, there were places where on could go to watch movies on very large screens while parked in the combustion-powered vehicles of the time. This place is sort of a variant on that. Instead of automobiles, you can watch from your ship. And instead of a large screen, the entire space in front of us is filled with small holoemitters.”
“I see. Is there anything special we should do to enhance the experience.”
“Well, according to what Mr. Paris told me centuries ago, patrons would traditionally partake of greasy and salty snack foods. However, as the Chief Medical Officer, I can’t condone eating such things, so I took the liberty of replicating enough asparagus for everybody!”
The bridge crew looked less than enthused. Braxton sighed. “Even in the 29th Century there’s nothing that both tastes good and is good for you. Anything else we should do?”
“Mr. Paris also indicated that making out was a large part of the experience.”
Dax, Yar, and Kes quickly ran to the turbolift and made a hasty exit...
Meanwhile, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior had finally finished up repairs. Not only that, but Admiral Janeway had finally come up with a way to escape the predicament they had gotten themselves into...
Janeway sat down in the captain’s chair and smiled wickedly. “Rand! Valtane! I want you two to find out where the Relativity is!”
Valtane responded, “We’re going after Braxton?”
“No, we’re going to surrender to him!”
”What?!?! But that goes against ever fiber of our evil beings!”
“Well, it’s either surrender to the Federation or get killed by the Vaadwaur.”
“Good point. Rand, let’s get to work! Cue the theme song!”
However, instead of the Rand and Valtane Theme Song, the computer said, “Unable to comply. Access to file ‘Rand and Valtane Theme Song’ is restricted to the commanding officer.”
Janeway chuckled. “Did I forget to mention that?”
Rand was shocked. “But... But... Why?”
“After you made me listen to it seven bazillion times while we were in prison, I made sure that I’d never have to listen to it again! Hahahahahaha!”
The duo stormed off the bridge...
Unaware of the impending situation, the Relativity crew had finally gotten comfortable and were awaiting the beginning of the movie.
Braxton went over everything just to make sure it was all as it should be. “Okay, we’ve gotten comfortable, we have our asparagus ‘snacks,’ and Kes has threatened to implode anyone who tries to make out with any of the women. Is that everything?”
“No, you’re forgetting me!”
Q appeared on the Relativity’s bridge in a flash of light. He smiled and asked, “Did you miss me?”
Braxton sighed. “What do you want, Q?”
“I just wanted to stop by and see how my favorite Starfleet crew is doing...”
“Really? We’re your favorite Starfleet crew?”
“Well, not really, but since it’s your show, I’m under contractual obligation to say so. Anyway, I’ve gotten bored again, so I thought that I’d come have some fun with you guys.”
“You’re in luck. We’re just about to watch a movie. Have a seat, grab some snacks, and enjoy.”
Q snapped his fingers, and a very comforable-looking seat appeared. He grabbed a bowl of snacks, but made a face of disgust when he saw what was in it. “Asparagus? You people eat asparagus as a snack?”
Yar replied, “Don’t look at us. The Doctor replicated it for us because he said it was healthy. I’ll bet he wouldn’t do this to us if he had taste buds like the rest of us...”
Q snapped his fingers again, then crammed a bowlful of asparagus in the Doctor’s mouth. The Doctor’s eyes bugged out and he spit the asparagus out. “Eeeeew! That’s disgusting! I’m going to go replicate some nachos!”
Rand and Valtane, still quite annoyed at having their theme song encrypted, stepped back onto the bridge. Valtane reported. “We’ve tracked down the Relativity. It’s at a drive-in theater. But long-range sensors indicate that Q is also onboard...”
Janeway froze in horror. “Q’s on the Relativity? I almost feel sorry for Braxton. Almost. Anyway, we’ll hold off our surrendering until Q leaves. I’ve had enough of him for one lifetime...”
Back on the Relativity, the movie was about to start. Q suddenly thought to ask, “What movie is this, anyway?”
The Doctor, who was back with the nachos, replied, “It’s called Captain Proton vs. The Horde of Chaotica. Captain Proton was always a favorite of Mr. Paris way back when. I even got to play President of Earth once!”
“He’s like Flash Gordon, except that Paramount doesn’t have to pay any royalties to use him.”
Seconds later, the movie started, and the Doctor turned down the lights on the bridge. The Relativity was having a great time laughing their heads off. Q, however, was quite confused. “Why are you all laughing? Isn’t this a serious movie?”
Ducane whispered back, “It’s supposed to be a serious movie, but it’s so delightfully awful that it winds up being funny.”
Without thinking, Braxton added, “Yeah, Dr. Chaotica is such a pathetic villain that even we could beat him!”
Before Braxton realized what he had just done, Q smiled, snapped his fingers, and disappeared.
Braxton slumped in his chair. “Oh no... What do you think he did this time?”
Dax checked the sensors. “I think I know what he did, sir...”
“You know that hologram of Dr. Chaotica’s Horde of Doom that’s outside?”
“Well, it’s no longer a hologram. Chaotica and his supergigantic fleet of ships are now real...”
Valtane looked up from his console. “Ma’am, Q has left the Relativity.”
“But now there’s a supergigantic fleet of ships where the drive-in theater used to be.”
“What kind of ships? Vaadwaur?”
“No, not Vaadwaur. I can’t identify them at all.”
Janeway walked over to Valtane’s console and looked at the sensor readings. “Those are the hokiest looking ships I’ve ever seen. Wait a minute... I know those ships! Those are Dr. Chaotica’s ships!”
“Well, whoever that is, he has enough firepower to conquer the Federation, the Vaadwaur, and everybody in-between. Having a fleet like that would solve most of our problems, wouldn’t it?”
Janeway thought for a second, then grinned quite evilly. “Yes, it would, wouldn’t it? Forget the surrender plans, Valtane... By the end of the day, we’ll be the undisputed rulers of the galaxy!”
“Sir, that really big ship that’s closest to us is hailing us.”
Braxton sank into his chair. “Ugh. Fine, put it onscreen, Dax.”
Dr. Chaotica appeared onscreen. In the background were Chaotica’s flunky Lonzak and the infamous Satan’s Robot. “WHERRRRRRE IS PRRRRRRRROTON?”
“Uh... If you can hold on for a minute, I’ll see if I can find him...”
The viewscreen went back to showing Chaotica’s fleet. Braxton, like so many before him, found himself shouting, “Q!”
Q reappeared on the bridge. “Yes, mon capitan?”
“Stop this right now!”
“Why? You seemed to think Chaotica would be so easy to defeat just a few minutes ago.”
“That was before he and his bazillion ships were real!”
“Well, it’s your problem now. This is a lot more exciting than a movie...”
With that, Q vanished again. And the news only got worse from there.
Dax’s console started beeping. “Captain, the Excelsior just dropped out of warp!”
“What?!?! What could they be doing here?”
Janeway stood in front of the Excelsior’s viewscreen dressed as Queen Arachnia. “Okay, Rand, put him onscreen.”
Chaotica and his goons appeared. Chaotica and Lonzak were shocked. Satan’s Robot began waving his arms wildly, shouting “Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!”
Chaotica slapped the robot, but quickly found that slapping steel can be quite painful. “OW! THAT HURRRRT! ARRRRRRRACHNIA, MY LOVE! WHAT ARRRRE YOU DOING HERRRRRE? AND WHY DO YOU LOOK SO OLD?”
“Uh... It was that goody goody Captain Braxton! He used a... Hyperaging ray on me! Yeah, that’s it!”
“The guy you were just talking to, my doctor... Let us join forces to destroy him and conquer the universe!”
For good measure, Janeway batted her eyelashes several times.
Lonzak attempted to object. “Doctor, remember all that she has done to you!”
However, like the lovesick loser that he was, Chaotica dismissed Lonzak with a wave of his hand. “OF COURRRRRRRSE, MY LOVE!”
Janeway smiled. “Thank you, my love. But could you stop shouting like that, please?”
Chaotica’s face reappeared on the Relativity’s viewscreen. “BRRRRRRRAXTON! I’LL DESTRRRRROY YOU FORRRR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO MY LOVE, QUEEN ARRRRRRRRACHNIA!”
Braxton was quite confused. “For what I did to who?”
The Doctor explained. “Janeway is posing as Queen Arachnia just like she did centuries ago.”
Chaotica caught sight of the Doctor. “AND THE PRRRRRESIDENT OF EARRRRRTH! ONCE I CAPTURRRRE YOU, YOURRRRRRR PLANET WILL BE MINE!”
Braxton turned to the Doctor. “You’re the expert on this guy. What do we do?”
“Well, last time we sent Janeway in as Queen Arachnia, but we obviously can’t do that this time... I suggest we run away very very fast.”
“Suggestion taken! Sulu, get us out of here!”
The Relativity did a quick 180, and then went to hyperwarp. Unfortunately, Chaotica’s fleet (with the Excelsior in tow) was able to go just as fast.
“Captain’s Log, Supplemental: We continue to try to escape Chaotica’s fleet, but I fear we can’t run forever. Not only that, but we’re out of nachos...”
The Relativity senior staff sat around the table in the Observation Lounge. Captain Braxton looked grave. “Where’s my nachos?”
Ducane sighed. “Sir, we have more important matters to attend to. A fictional character is about to kill us all...”
“So fictional characters are always trying to kill us. In fact, we’re all fictional.”
Ducane didn’t even try to clarify, but instead said, “The last time Chaotica posed a threat, Janeway impersonated Arachnia to gain his trust. I think we should try the same approach.”
Dax asked, “But how? The only other people Chaotica trusts are Lonzak and Satan’s Robot, and we can’t impersonate them.”
Damar suddenly came up with an idea. “We can’t impersonate Satan’s Robot, but what if we could take control of him? If we knew a little more about him, I could transfer the Doctor’s program into him. He could then take out Chaotica!”
The Doctor held up a book. “Would this do? Every ship got one free for seeing the movie...” The book was The Captain Proton Technical Manual.
Damar grabbed the book and leafed through it quickly. “Yeah, this’ll be fine. Let’s get down to Engineering!”
About an hour later, the Doctor suddenly found himself in the body of Satan’s Robot. Nearby, Chaotica and Janeway were having a feast celebrating their new alliance. “SOON, MY LOVE, THE UNIVERRRRRRRRSE WILL BE OURRRRS!”
Janeway rubbed her ears in pain. “Please, my love, couldn’t you be just a little quieter?”
Chaotica turned to Satan’s Robot. “Bring us more Venusian Sugar Cakes!”
Without thinking, he responded, “Wouldn’t you have some healthy asparagus instead?”
Janeway stared at him and then realized what was going on. “That’s not Satan’s Robot! That’s the Doctor! I’d recognize his obsession with asparagus anywhere!”
“LONZAK! GRRRRRRAB HIM!”
Lonzak tried to grab Satan’s Robot, but being an ineffectual flunky, he was quickly knocked out. Janeway tried to reason with him. “Doctor, with this fleet, we could rule the Alpha Quadrant! Hence, the title of this episode! Help me capture Chaotica, and we can take control!”
Chaotica was heartbroken. “ARRRRRRRACHNIA! YOU HAVE BETRRRRRRRRAYED ME! I HAVE NO RRRRREASON TO LIVE!” And with that, he hit the self-destruct button.
The Doctor/Satan’s Robot let out a chuckle. “Well, that was easier than I thought...”
Janeway hit her communicator. “Janeway to Excelsior! Let’s get out of here!” The evil admiral was beamed away, and the Doctor’s program was retrieved just before all of Chaotica’s fleet went kablooie...
“Captain’s Log, Supplementally Supplemental: Chaotica and his fleet have been defeated, although the Excelsior got away yet again. Now all we have to do is deal with one omnipotent superbeing...”
Q reappeared on the Relativity bridge. “Well, that was fun! What should we do next?”
Sulu shouted at him, “You just nearly doomed the entire galaxy and you call it fun?”
“Well, yeah. What else would you call it?”
Ducane interjected. “Yeah, that was fun. It’s too bad that Janeway had to spoil everything by showing up...”
Q thought for a second. “You know... You’re right! Kathy’s always been a stick-in-the-mud! I should go have some fun with her for a while...”
And with that, Q vanished.
After a few utterances of “Good idea, Ducane,” everything was back to normal...
Well, except for the screams of “Q, get off my ship!” that were coming from the Excelsior...
Will yet another Braxton clone be added to the list when Series ? spoofs the latest Trek film, Nemesis? Stay tuned...