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Episode 92: “Desperate Times, Part I”

Written by “Krenim”

Published August 23, 2003

“Evil Admiral’s Evil Log: The boredom of hiding from pretty much everybody in the galaxy finally got to us. So, we decided to bombard the salad people of Mille Insula with crouton torpedoes. Unfortunately, we couldn’t stick around as they sent out a distress signal, so now we’re stuck hiding again...”

Boredom was at an all-time high on the evil bridge of the evil Excelsior. Several members of the senior staff were sleeping, while the others were playing Solitaire on their computer terminals. Janeway herself was using the main viewscreen to play her favorite videogame, “Grand Theft Java.”

All of a sudden, the ship began shaking horribly. Janeway threw her controller to the ground. “Didn’t I order the ship’s racetrack to be shut down?!”

Valtane shut down Solitaire and began checking the sensors. “It’s not the racetrack, Admiral! I’m reading massive temporal disruptions centering on the bridge!”

“Massive temporal disruptions? I will not have disruptions on my bridge, let alone massive temporal ones!”

The shaking stopped, but a blindingly bright shaft of light appeared in front of the viewscreen. In the shaft of light was a mysterious shadowy figure. “I am Future Guy! Cower before the might of my indistinct silhouette!”

Janeway scoffed. “Big deal, so you get bad reception...”

“Silence, you over-caffeinated twit, unless you want to spend the rest of your life hiding in the galaxy’s shadow!”

“Oh? And what can you do for us?”

“Five hundred years ago, you stopped the Vaadwaur from taking over your ship. However, many of them escaped from you and fled into the subspace corridor network. It was there that I directed them to their new homeworld in subspace and made them into the power they are today. They fight the Vaad War because I desire it to be so. And they won’t be after you anymore, if I desire it to be so.”

“And what would be the obligatory dangerous mission I would have to fulfill to achieve this?”

“I need your expertise in a certain matter...”


Meanwhile, Admiral Picard had called Braxton and Ducane into his office. As soon as the two sat down, Picard had the computer seal off the room. “Computer, seal off the room.”

I can read, you know. Room sealed.

Picard turned to his guests. “As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the Vaadwaur have resumed their attacks throughout the Delta Quadrant.”

One of the viewscreens in Picard’s office switched to a map of the Delta Quadrant. Most of the systems were labeled blue (Federation), orange (Vaadwaur), or green (Borg). There seemed to be more orange than there previously had been. [Image]

Braxton looked at the map. “But I thought most of their fleet was destroyed by that faux-ton torpedo from the season premiere...”

“It was. But Starfleet Command seems to have vastly underestimated Vaadwaur ship production rate. We’re back on the defensive. Not only that, but their rebuilt fleet gives them a significant edge in the race to recover the Earth.”

Ducane studied the map up close, then turned to Picard. “Why tell us this?”

“My top-secret meeting last episode was with Starfleet Command. We have come to the conclusion that the Vaad War is a lost cause. We cannot win. Therefore, in order to save the Earth and the entire Federation, Starfleet Command has authorized a mission in direct violation of the Temporal Prime Directive.”

Braxton got all excited. “Ooh, this is one of those dark, morally ambiguous episodes, isn’t it?”

“You betcha.”

Ducane rolled his eyes. “Again, why tell us this?”

“Because, once again, Braxton’s total and complete hatred of Janeway makes him the ideal choice for this mission.”

They both stared at Braxton. Braxton stared back confusedly. “What?”

After a few seconds, Braxton caught on. He whipped out a picture of Janeway and began stabbing it. “Die, die, die!”

Picard smiled, an oddity in Braxton’s presence. “That’s better. Anyway, you are going to go back in time to when Janeway released the Vaadwaur from stasis in the Delta Quadrant. You are to stop those Vaadwaur from escaping into subspace, thus setting in motion events that lead to the Vaad War five centuries later. Think about it. If they don’t get away, the Excelsior crew never gets rescued from prison, the Earth never gets sucked into subspace, and the Vaadwaur never conquer the galaxy.”

Picard unsealed the room, and Braxton and Ducane prepared to leave. Picard stopped them before they left. “By the way, if word that the Temporal Prime Directive has been violated by Starfleet’s top brass gets out, we’re blaming everything on you.”

Ducane sighed. “Of course...”


“Let me get this straight... You want us to stop Braxton from altering history?”

Future Guy nodded.

“What series have you been reading?”

“I know it’s highly unusual, but rest assured that you’d be doing for purely evil reasons.”

“Very well. But you’d better hold up your end of the deal.”

“And you’d better not mess up.”

With that, Future Guy vanished. Janeway smirked, “I guess it’s time to go meet myself...”

Dukat asked, “Didn’t you already do that way back in Season 2?”

“Uh... Yeahsurewhatever. Mr. Hamster, take us into the timestream!”


Also in the timestream was the Relativity. By now, Braxton had informed the crew of the mission...

“You want us to what?” This question came from everybody simultaneously.

Dax turned to Ducane. “Please tell us that, as usual, he has no idea what he’s talking about.”

“I can’t. Picard actually did order us to alter history.”

Damar started panicking. “Nothing makes sense anymore! Left is right, up is down! The next thing you know, the Excelsior will show up to stop us from altering history!”

The Doctor thwacked Damar. “Don’t be ridiculous. That would never happen.”

Finally, the ship emerged into normal space. Dax checked the sensors. “Location confirmed. We’re in orbit around the correct planet. The Vaadwaur are in stasis below the surface.”

With a frenzied look, Yar asked, “Can I blow them up now? Huh? Huh? Can I?”

Dax rolled her eyes. “No, you can’t, for two reasons. First, the Vaadwaur are too far below the surface. Secondly, the Excelsior is already here and is closing on our position!”

Damar quickly said, “We don’t know they’re here to stop us from altering history.”

Admiral Janeway’s face appeared onscreen. “We’re here to stop you from altering history!”

The Doctor cheered. “Hah! In your face!”

Braxton ignored him. “Janeway, we’re on a mission! I don’t have time to deal with two-bit villains such as yourself!”

“You’ll deal with me and like it! If you prevent the Vaadwaur from escaping me in the past, then I’ll be stuck in prison in the future!”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“For me it is! Mr. Hawk, target the Relativity! Prepare the blow them out of the sky!”

Hawk replied, “Actually, they’re above the atmosphere right now. If I blow them up, gravity will cause them to fall towards the planet and thus towards the atmosphere. So technically, I’d be blowing them into the sky.”

“You’re the tactical officer, not the science officer, you idiot! Just shoot at them!”

Before Hawk could start shooting, two more ships arrived. One of them was Voyager. The other was firing everything it had at Voyager.


On Voyager’s bridge, Janeway squinted at the main viewscreen. “Oh boy... I think that’s Braxton’s ship ahead. That’s the last thing we need right now.”

Tom Paris pointed at something else on the viewscreen. “What’s that other ship?”

“I don’t know, but my coffee-sense is tingling. There’s coffee in that nebula! Uh, I mean ship!”

The image of the ships was replaced by a split screen, with Admiral Janeway on the left and Captain Braxton on the right.

Admiral Janeway started off. “Captain Janeway, I’m you’re future self! You’ve got to listen to me! We’ve got to stop Braxton! He’s going to ruin history!”

Captain Janeway turned to Braxton. Braxton looked around. “Is it my turn now?”

“Yes, Braxton. Here to try to blow up my ship again?”

“Okay... Your future self is a nutcase! She’s trying to stop me from saving the entire Federation!”

“And why should I listen to you over my future self?”

“I’m prepared for that question! The last time I tried to convince you to stop your future self, you wouldn’t listen to me! But you’ll listen to them!”

With that, he grabbed the Doctor and Kes. “Tell her!”

The Doctor quickly recapped the situation. “Your future self went back in time to get Voyager home sooner but since she violated the Temporal Prime Directive and the Voyager series finale sucked Braxton was ordered to arrest her. He did, but she and the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were rescued from prison by the Vaadwaur, who are these really mean guys that you’re about to meet. If you let them go in this time period, they lay low for the next five hundred years massing their forces and then try to conquer the galaxy and there’s a good chance they’ll succeed!”

Admiral Janeway pointed at the other half of the screen. “Aha! See! He’s here to break the Temporal Prime Directive himself!”

Braxton shouted back, “I have to save the Federation!”

Voyager shook horribly. Janeway sighed. “Oh yeah, I forgot we were being attacked. Can I get back to you two in a minute?”

Before Captain Janeway could react, the Relativity and Excelsior both let loose with their 29th Century weaponry, easily destroying the attacking Turei vessel.

Admiral Janeway shouted, “I helped you! You’ve got to believe me!”

Braxton also shouted, “Listen, Janeway, I don’t like you and you don’t like me. But the fate of the entire galaxy is at stake! Who are you going to listen to: Her or me?”


UPN Promo:

The countdown to the final episode continues...

Three ships
*Shot of Relativity, Excelsior, and Voyager*
Two Janeways
*Shot of Captain Janeway and Admiral Janeway*
One outcome
*Shot of some Vaadwaur*
Will the future survive?
*Shot of massive explosions*

Episode 93: “Desperate Times, Part II”

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.