Episode 94: “Smorgasborg”
Written by “Krenim”
Published September 26, 2003
The Federation outpost on Didraina V was taking a serious pounding from the Vaadwaur ships in orbit above. Its shields would be gone in a matter of minutes...
Aboard the Vaadwaur command ship, Captain Gedul smiled a wicked smile. “As soon as their shields are down, beam all their cheese into our cargo bay!”
His crew looked at him strangely.
Gedul shouted back, “Okay, I have a thing for cheese! I admit it!”
Gedul’s tactical officer interrupted. “Sir, I’m reading multiple energy signatures entering the system.”
“No, sir... Borg.”
“Pfft. They’re the laughing stock of the galaxy. As soon as we dispatch the Federation, we’ll deal with the Borg and then the entire Delta Quadrant will be ours!”
“Sir, they’re hailing us.”
“Very well, put them onscreen.”
The view of the Didraina V was replaced with the interior of a Borg cube. The voice of the Borg Collective began speaking. We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Gedul scoffed. “In case you haven’t noticed, we’re kind of in the middle of something right now. Besides you couldn’t assimilate a fly these days, so buzz off.”
Perhaps we should clarify... We are Next Generation Borg. We have analyzed your defensive...
Gedul didn’t wait for the Collective to finish. “Crud! Get us out of here!”
The Borg cubes locked onto the Vaadwaur fleet with multiple tractor beams. We weren’t finished talking!
“Right, sorry, go ahead.”
We have analyzed your defensive capabilities as being unable to withstand us. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own.
In a matter of seconds, the Vaadwaur ships were swarming with Borg drones. Minutes after that, those Vaadwaur that survived were one with the Borg.
Down on Didraina V, the people on the outposts monitored the situation. They expected the Borg to come down to the surface and begin assimilating them as well. However, the cubes simply left...
Halfway across the galaxy, Captain Braxton and his crew were searching for the evil crew of the evil Excelsior when Dax’s console started beeping. Dax promptly whipped out a sledge hammer and reduced her console to smoking wreckage.
Everyone stared at her in fear. With a wild look in her eyes, she yelled, “I can’t take any more of the beeping! No more beeping!”
Braxton very slowly said, “Uh... Okay... No more beeping, I promise. In the meantime, you somebody put whoever’s calling on the screen for me?”
Damar pushed a few buttons. Admiral Picard’s face came onscreen. “Braxton, I... Uh... Should I ask why your bridge is filled with smoke?”
“Dax finally got fed up with her beeping console, sir.”
“I see. Anyway, our outpost on Didraina V was just attacked by the Vaadwaur.”
Ducane responded, “Big deal. They’re attacking just about every outpost we’ve got in the Delta Quadrant.”
“True, but their attack was interrupted... by the Borg.”
Everyone let out a collective “Pfft.”
”Next Generation Borg.”
Everyone then collectively cringed.
“Exactly. The Borg destroyed the Vaadwaur fleet but did not attack our outpost. Therefore, I am sending you on a potentially suicidal mission to see if the Borg wish to form an alliance with us against the Vaadwaur.”
Ducane sighed. “Just once can we get a mission that’s not potentially suicidal? Like rescuing a kitty cat from a tree?”
“Sorry, but that sort of job is for our special Kitty Cat Rescuing Fleet. You have your orders, so get to it!”
Braxton slumped down in his chair. “Well, I guess it’s time to make an appeal to the devil...”
Meanwhile, deep in subspace, Admiral Janeway suddenly twitched. Dark Helmet noticed. “Admiral?”
Janeway scowled. “My Someone-Is-Stealing-My-Plot Sense is tingling! Someone’s trying to form an alliance with the Borg!”
“Ten dollars says it’s Braxton. After all, it’s his series.”
“You have ten dollars?”
“No. Do you?”
Dark Helmet took out ten dollars. “Yeah.”
Janeway grabbed his money. “Well, now I do.”
Dark Helmet began sobbing uncontrollably as Admiral Janeway ordered Harvey the Wonder Hamster to take the ship into Borg space...
“Captain’s Log: We have entered Borg space. It’s only a matter of time before we run into the Collective...”
Dax’s new console starting playing the song “It’s a Small World.” Ducane sighed. “Great, now I’m going to have that song in my head all day. Who’s bright idea was it to replace the beeping with that?”
Braxton smiled. “It was mine!”
Dax checked the sensors. “Sir, I’m reading a vessel on an intercept course. Its configuration is cubical.”
Dax rolled her eyes. “No sir, it’s a giant Rubix cube.”
Braxton’s eyes narrowed. “Ah yes... My old foe, the Rubix cube. I knew we would meet again...”
“I was joking, sir. It is the Borg.”
“And they’re hailing us, sir.”
We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
“Actually, we were kind of hoping that instead of that that we might talk.”
Talk is irrelevant.
“We seem to have a common enemy... The Vaadwaur.”
“Whoa. The Vaadwaur are only Species 3?”
Species 3 ruled the Delta Quadrant one thousand years ago. At that time we had not assimilated enough technology to defeat them, and so they kept us confined to a few planets. Then Species 3 disappeared. Now they have retuned, and now that we have the power, it is time to assimilate them.
“The Vaadwaur are also our enemy. Will you join with us?”
You will join with us. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own.
“Crud. Yar, fire all weapons!”
The Relativity fired all its weapons at the Borg cube. The little damage that was done regenerated in a matter of seconds.
Braxton turned to Yar. “Give them everything we’ve got, including the kitchen sink if you have to!”
The Relativity launched a kitchen sink at the Borg cube. The cube promptly exploded.
Dax shrugged. “I guess they didn’t know how to adapt to a kitchen sink...”
However, quite a few more Borg cubes suddenly dropped out of transwarp. You will be assimilated.
Suddenly, the evil Excelsior evilly appeared out of subspace. Janeway’s voice came over the comm. “Braxton, you’re stealing my ‘Make an Alliance with the Borg’ plot, aren’t you? I’ll get you for... Uh, never mind. I see you have company at the moment. Catch you later, if you’re still alive.”
Wait... We know that voice...
Braxton smirked. “I believe you know Kathryn Janeway.”
Janeway! We’ll make you pay for making us the laughing stocks of the galaxy!
Janeway’s voice suddenly sounded very frightened. “Run away! Run away!”
And with that, the evil Excelsior evilly returned to subspace. Seconds later, all but one of the Borg cubes similarly disappeared.
Our assimilation of subspace drive technology from Species 3 will allow us to track down and deal with Janeway. Now back to your assimilation...
Braxton turned to his crew. “Quick! Somebody figure out something that we can do!”
Everyone quickly began pressing random buttons on all their consoles. After a few seconds, “It’s a Small World” began blaring from Dax’s console.
Braxton shouted, “Somebody shut that thing off! The last thing I want to remember before I get assimilated is having that song stuck in my head!”
The Borg were having a similar reaction. Unable to purge musical composition from memory banks. Attempting to adapt. Unable to purge musical composition from memory banks. Attempting to adapt...
And with that, the cube exploded.
In the subspace corridors, the evil Excelsior was being chased by dozens and dozens of Borg cubes. Get back here, Janeway! When we get our hands on you, we’re going to... Unable to purge musical composition from memory banks. Attempting to adapt. Unable to...
Then the other cubes exploded too.
Janeway was relieved. “I don’t know what just happened, but I’m glad it happened. But let’s get out of here anyway!”
Admiral Picard raised an eyebrow in true Vulcan fashion. “Let me get this straight... You defeated the Borg by playing ‘It’s a Small World’?”
Braxton nodded. “Yes, sir. They were unable to purge it from their memory banks, so the Collective blew up.”
“Yeah, it’s impossible to get that song out of your head once it’s there. Of course, with the Borg so crippled they won’t be able to fight the Vaadwaur any more, so I’m very angry with you. But not too angry, because the Borg suck too. Picard out.”
And so, the crew of the Relativity resumed their search for the evil Excelsior... with ‘It’s a Small World’ stuck in their heads.
The countdown to the final episode continues...
- Centuries ago...
- *Shot of Bajoran Wormhole*
- It nearly conquered the Federation...
- *Shot of Dominion War battle*
- But is the Dominion...
- *Shot of Mini-Weyoun*
- Now its last hope?
Episode 95: “By Inferno’s Pale Moonlight”