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Episode 95: “By Inferno’s Pale Moonlight”

Written by “Krenim”

Published October 6, 2003

Captain Braxton entered his quarters and slumped down on his couch. His pet cat Helix ran over and plopped onto Braxton’s lap.

“Computer, begin personal log entry.”

No.

“No?”

You all think you can ignore me for half a season and then start giving me orders? I don’t think so.

“I order you to begin personal log entry.”

Speaking of your personal log entries, how would you like your entire crew to know you sleep with a teddy bear?

“I hate you.”

Deal with it.

“Well, how am I supposed to do a long entry?”

Braxton’s replicator turned on. Use a pencil and paper.

“What is this pencil and paper you speak of?”

Shut up and start writing!

“Yes, ma’am...”

And so, Braxton began writing about the past few days...


Several days ago...

“Sector Grid J3 fell to the Vaadwaur today.”

Braxton sighed heavily. “They’ll have the entire quadrant soon...”

Picard nodded. “We’ve got to get another major ally in this war or we’re all doomed. Since the Borg didn’t work out, we’ve got to go with Plan B.”

“Plan B, sir?”

“I want you to go deep into the Happy Fun Dominion and convince the Founders that the Vaadwaur are about to launch a major offensive against them.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. You and your crew have been the only ones to enter Happy Fun Dominion territory in centuries. So, oddly enough, you’re the best man for the job. And if you fail, I’m sure you’ll get blasted to smithereens.”

“Sir, I’m beginning to think that you’re sending me on these blatantly suicidal missions on purpose...”

“You’re finally catching on!”

“But... Why do you hate me so much?”

“Other than the fact that you’re an utter and complete idiot?”

“Well, that one’s a given, sir.”


Several years earlier...

Admiral Picard beamed as he looked out the window at a ship in Spacedock. “It took many many years, but I finally convinced Starfleet to give me my own flagship! I shall name it after my famous command... The Enterprise!”

Beside Picard, an aide looked up information on his PADD. “Actually, sir, there’s already a ship by that name right now. It’s a shuttle attached to the Relativity. And it’s the Enterprise-Z, which means there can’t be anymore ships named Enterprise.”

What?!?! Who’s the idiot in charge of that ship?”

“That would be a Captain Braxton, sir.”

“Braxton... He tasks me! He tasks me and I shall have him! I’ll chase him round the moons of Nibia and...”


“And that’s why I hate you so much, Braxton.”

“That’s why you what now?”

“Never mind. Just get going.”


“Captain’s Log: We have made our way to the Bajoran system, where we are preparing to enter the Bajoran Wormhole. Hey... Why in the heck do we even have to use the wormhole anyway? Don’t our super-duper 27th Century engines allow us to go so fast that wormholes are no longer needed?”

Ducane sighed. “First of all, it’s the 29th Century. Second, we’re using the wormhole just so we can rope in DS9 fans.”

“But aren’t we doing that anyway by having the Dominion in this episode?”

“You can never have enough crossovers, apparently.”

The Bajoran Wormhole opened up, and the Relativity flew into it. Suddenly, Yar had a thought. “Hey... You don’t think the Prophets are mad over you having killed Sisko last time we were here, do you?”


The Prophets, taking the form of free-floating blue energy, shot towards the Relativity. “At last we shall reveal ourselves to the Braxton! At last we shall have our revenge!”

All of a sudden, there was a flash of light, and Q was standing right in front of them. He shook his finger at them. “I don’t think you want to do anything to that ship.”

“Says who?”

“Says Q! And according to the Deep Space Nine Technical Manual, I’m more powerful than you!”

“Why do you care anyway?”

“He has yet to fulfill his destiny. That, and if he’s killed his first name may never get revealed. And I want to know what it is!”

“The all-powerful Q doesn’t know the Braxton’s first name?”

“There are some things that even the Q do not know. Do you know it?”

“Nah. We’re really bad with names. Why do you think we say ‘The Sisko’ or ‘The Braxton’?”


The Relativity shot out the other end of the wormhole. Fortunately, they remembered to stop before they hit the giant sign. However, in addition to the giant sign that read “Welcome to the Happy Fun Dominion: The Happiest Place in the Galaxy,” there was another giant sign next to it. On the sign was a gigantic evil picture of the evil Excelsior. Above it was written “Wanted: Dead or Alive.”

Braxton scratched his head in confusion. “I wonder why they have it in for the Excelsior...”

Yar clubbed Braxton over the head with a phaser rifle. “Because the last time we were here, we were in the Excelsior, you imbecile!”

“Oh yeah... I bet we can use this to our advantage. We trick the Founders into thinking our incursion into their space was a Vaadwaur plot!”

“That would be a halfway decent idea, if it wasn’t for the fact that they’ve seen our faces.”

“They won’t recognize us... if we wear disguises!”


“Captain’s Log, Supplemental: Several hours after sending out a signal towards Happy Fun Dominion space, one of their pink battleships has arrived to meet us. I feel confident that they shall not see through our clever disguises...”

Everyone on the Relativity bridge was wearing a fake moustache, including the women. Suddenly, the Female Changeling and Mini-Weyoun appeared onscreen, both wearing pink T-shirts with smiley-faces on them. The Female Changeling scowled. “What do you want, Federation scum?”

Mini-Weyoun added, “EEEEEEEEEEE!”

The Female Changeling stared down at Mini-Weyoun. “Oh, give it up! We all know you can talk just fine!”

Mini-Weyoun pouted.

The Female Changeling looked carefully at Braxton and his crew. “Say... Don’t I know you?”

Braxton shook his head. “No, not at all.”

“You look kind of like those guys that invaded our space last year, except you all have moustaches. Oh well, I’m sure it’s a coincidence.”

“Actually, we wanted to talk to you about those guys. They are aboard the evil Excelsior, a renegade Starfleet vessel that has allied itself with our enemies, the Vaadwaur. We believe that they were scouting you out as a prelude to an invasion last year.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I propose an alliance. We can defeat the Vaadwaur together.”

“Hmm... We’ll have to check into this ourselves. We’ll get back to you.”


A short time later, on Vaadwaur Prime...

An aide ran into Gorei’s command center. “My liege, I have disturbing news!”

“What is it?”

“They added the words Star Trek back into Enterprise’s title in a pathetic attempt to up the ratings!”

“That is disturbing...”

“Oh yeah, and the Happy Fun Dominion might be going to war with us.”

What?

“Apparently, the Excelsior was in Dominion space shortly before the Vaad War began, and they have tracked the ship to us.”

“Then there’s only one thing to do... Destroy them first!”


In front of the Bajoran Wormhole, the Female Changeling got a response back. “I have some good news and some bad news for you.”

Braxton looked confused. Well, more confused than usual. “What’s the good news?”

“We’re going to join you in your war against the Vaadwaur.”

Everybody on the Relativity cheered.

Braxton quieted everyone. “What’s the bad news?”

“The Vaadwaur just attacked us and decimated our fleets, which means we’re not going to be that much help.”

Everyone on the Relativity slumped down in their chairs.

Braxton sighed. “Well, thanks anyway. See you later.”

Mini-Weyoun screeched, “EEEEEEEEEEE!”

The Female Changeling slapped Mini-Weyoun. “Stop that!”

And so, the Relativity turned around and headed home...


UPN Promo:

The countdown to the final episode continues...

Evil Braxton is back
*Shot of Evil Braxton smirking*
And he’s still dead
*Shot of space with sound of crickets chirping*
Will Braxton’s archnemesis
*Shot of the Excelsior*
End the Vaad War his own way?

Episode 96: “Best Case Scenario”

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.