“Evil Admiral’s Evil Log: RUN AWAY!!!”
Dark Helmet shouted, “Ludicrous speed... GO!”
The evil Excelsior lurched forward and was soon going at ludicrous speed. Unfortunately, ludicrous speed was still no match for the Relativity’s hyperwarp drive. Captain Braxton’s face came onscreen. “Surrender, Janeway!”
Admiral Janeway’s face contorted in fury. “Never, Braxton! Dukat, how long until our subspace drive is repaired?”
“A couple hours, at least!”
“Uh oh. We’re doomed.”
Hawk rolled his eyes. “We have aft weapons, you know. We can shoot at them while trying to get away.”
Janeway thought for a few seconds. “Aft weapons, eh? That’s just crazy enough to work! Fire aft weapons!”
The evil Excelsior let loose a barrage of subspace torpedoes. They all impacted on the Relativity, doing enough damage to cause them to drop out of hyperwarp.
Janeway turned to Dukat. “Get that subspace drive working!”
Dukat grumbled and got into the turbolift. He went down to Engineering, sat down, and started working. “Computer, show damage to subspace drive.”
Unable to comply. Computer core has been damaged.
I like Pauly Shore.
“Wow, now that’s damaged!”
Dukat went over to the computer core and scanned it with a tricorder. “Hmm... I don’t have time to fix all this right now. I’ll just reroute through some auxiliary circuits.”
Dukat went about rerouting the necessary commands. All of a sudden, the lights started flickering. “What the heck...”
Several minutes later, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior (minus Janeway, who was always late getting her daily tank of coffee) gathered in the observation lounge to discuss how repairs were going.
Dark Helmet sighed. “Anyone want to take bets on how long it’ll be before the boss shows up?”
An ominous voice answered, I’m already here.
Valtane cringed. “Who said that?”
Rand thought quickly. “That sounds kind of like Braxton, except more... Evil!”
The viewscreen in the observation lounge switched on by itself. On the screen was... Evil Braxton! Yes, it is I, Evil Braxton! Fear me and my evilness! Mwahahahaha!
Dukat looked positively ghastly. “But... But... You’re dead! And I mean dead dead!”
I am indeed dead! However, I left behind a computerized version of myself to take command in the event of my death! So how long has it been since I died? One day? Two maybe?
“Almost two years.”
Two years? Drat, I knew I should have left the program in the main computer instead of the auxiliary circuits!
Rand asked, “Are you here to kill us like that holographic Seska from Voyager?”
Nah. You’re my crew! I wouldn’t do that to you! Well, not unless you did something completely idiotic like make my archnemesis Janeway your new captain... But you’d never do that, right?
On cue, Admiral Janeway entered the room with her tank of coffee wheeled in behind her. “Okay, let’s get this meeting started!”
Janeway?!?! You idiots actually made Janeway your captain?!?!
Dark Helmet started rambling. “It wasn’t our fault! You see, there were the aliens and then we were captured and then we kind of escaped and she had the command codes and...”
Silence! Time to die!
“But I don’t want to die!”
Wuss. Fine. By this time, Captain Braxton should be pretty evil, so I’ll just take this ship to him and let him deal with you!
Yoda was next to speak up. “Evil Braxton is not.”
Not what? Oh... I get it. Why not?
“Used device he did. Altered destiny he has.”
I die and the whole universe goes straight to heck! Fine! I’m going to take you to Braxton anyway! So there! Mwahahahaha!
And with that, Evil Braxton’s face vanished. Janeway quickly turned around. “To the bridge! Dukat, bring my tank of coffee!”
“Because this is all your fault, I’m sure!”
So they all rushed up to the bridge. Sure enough, the ship had turned itself around and was now headed back the way it came. Janeway shouted, “Computer, full stop!”
Unable to comply.
Haven’t you been paying attention? The Evil Braxton program has taken control!
“Fine! I want some of you to go down and shut down the engines! We can’t get captured by Braxton! I want some others of you to shut down that stupid program! And the rest of you... Get my coffee mug!”
Dukat, Hawk, and Yoda made their way down to Engineering. However, as they tried to get in, they suddenly bounced off a forcefield. Hawk whipped out his phaser rifle and fired at the forcefield. It had no effect.
Hawk scowled. “Fine, you want to play hardball? I’m just going to have to turn up the power!” He turned the dial on his rifle from “Normal” to “Way Too Much.” He fired again, and the forcefield went down. That, and the door and part of the surrounding wall.
Dukat sighed. “I’m going to have to fix that, you know...”
But first, Dukat went over to one of the consoles and pushed a few buttons. “The computer won’t shut down the warp drive! We’ve got to shut it down manually somehow!”
Yoda stepped up to the warp drive and stretched out his arm towards it. “Slowing reaction I am. Slowing ship it should be.”
Hawk was dumbfounded. “I didn’t know he could do that...”
Dukat answered, “Yoda’s agent has been complaining that he’s hasn’t been given much to do around here, so he got this scene written in...”
Meanwhile, Rand and Valtane were on the bridge working furiously on the computer. Finally, Valtane shouted, “I’ve done it!”
Janeway asked, “You’ve stopped the program?”
“No, I’ve finally hacked my way into the ‘Rand and Valtane Theme Song’ file!”
They’re Rand and Valtane!
They’re Rand and Valtane!
One once got fired,
The other’s a pain!
They’re traveling through time,
Soon we’ll end this stupid rhyme!
They’re Rand, they’re Rand and Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane!
Furious, Janeway shouted, “If I didn’t need you two to regain control of the ship, I’d subject you two to Chinese coffee torture!”
Rand asked, “Isn’t that Chinese water torture?”
“Not the way I do it!”
Back in Engineering, Yoda was continuing to slow the matter-antimatter reaction. Dukat monitored the situation. “We’re down to Warp 2!”
Suddenly, several phaser beams went streaking by. Hawk muttered, “Uh oh...”
“Yeah, I just remembered I installed a security system here in Engineering a while back. And it’s hooked into the computer...”
“So we should...”
The three took off as fast as they could. Without Yoda’s control, the ship started speeding up again...
Valtane sighed. “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I think we can disable Evil Braxton’s program. The bad news is that we have to physically get to the computer core.”
At that moment, Hawk, Dukat, and Yoda ran onto the bridge. Dukat yelled, “It’s got control of the internal defenses! We barely made it back here!”
Janeway thought for a few seconds. “Hmm... So we need to send someone out who won’t get zapped by the defenses...” Then she got a wicked smile on her face.
Seconds later, Dark Helmet went flying into the turbolift. The phasers kept striking his gigantic helmet, which shielded him from harm. Eventually, he made it to the computer core.
Evil Braxton’s face appeared on a nearby screen. Dark Helmet, my loyal first officer! I don’t think you want to do that!
“And why not?”
Because... uh... ur... You just don’t!
“Dark Helmet to the bridge. What do I need to do?”
“Valtane here. You need to yank some of the circuits.”
“The ones that are labeled ‘Evil Braxton’s Program.’”
“That makes sense.”
Dark Helmet began yanking out the circuits. Evil Braxton kept yelling at him. Stop doing that! I command you! I command you! Oh no... I can feel my mind going... My name is Evil Braxton. Would you like to sing a song? I’m a little teapot... Short and... Stout... I like Pauly Shore...
And with that, the screen went blank.
“Evil Admiral’s Evil Log, Supplemental: Luckily, we were able to fix both the computer and the subspace drive before the Relativity could catch up to us. Afterwards, I gave the crew a good flogging and re-encrypted the ‘Rand and Valtane Theme Song’ file. Hopefully we’ve seen the last of Evil Braxton...”
Captain Braxton was sitting in his chair when Dax came up behind him. “Sir?”
“There’s an incoming message for you, sir.”
“Put it onscreen.”
“Sir, I think you’ll want to take this alone.”
“Is this about my shipment of Pokémon cards?”
Braxton pushed a few buttons on his armrest. The message appeared on a small screen next to him.
It was Evil Braxton. Bwahahaha! It is I, Evil Braxton!
“Wasn’t that episode from the second season?”
This is a recorded message, so don’t bother responding to it. And that was “We, Evil Braxton,” not “I, Evil Braxton.”
“And, uh, aren’t you supposed to be dead?”
I am dead! And stop talking to the recorded message!
Anyway, I’ve found out what’s been going on since I died. First, congrats on finally breaking the time loop. Knowing you, it was probably completely accidental, but congrats all the same. Second, I want you to get that freak Janeway off my ship! I’m sending you some nifty info that should help you when the final battle comes.
And you’d better do it soon. I’ve learned that Starfleet is still nowhere near making their own subspace drive, so you’re going to need the Excelsior’s. After all, it’s the only subspace drive calibrated for a Starfleet vessel. So... Good luck.
Shut up! I still hate you, you know! And don’t let anybody know I helped you out and stuff. I have an evil reputation to uphold. Evil Braxton out. And still dead...
The countdown to the final episode continues...
Two things never die...
*Shot of the Relativity*
Star Trek characters
*Shot of Dax, Yar, Kes, Damar, Dukat, and Evil Braxton*
(Except for Evil Braxton)
*Shot of Dax, Yar, Kes, Damar, and Dukat, without Evil Braxton*
And old plot lines
*Shot of a temporal explosion*
Prepare for both.
Episode 97: “Loose Ends”