The Undiscovered Continuity, Part I: “Some Assembly Required”
Written by “Krenim”
Published April 25, 2004
Yeah, that’s right. It’s a Series ? mini-series. What are you all looking at? If Berman can put out Generations several months after TNG ended, then I can do this! Mwahahahaha!
(Begin Star Wars opening music.)
It is a time of great mediocrity. Several months have passed since the end of the Vaad War, the return of Captain Sulu and the Excelsior to the 23rd Century, and the disappearance of Captain Braxton.
The remaining crew members of the Relativity have spent the time laying around and doing pretty much nothing. (That’ll squash any calls for writing up “lost adventures.” Heh heh heh.)
However, that is about to change. Powerful forces, both good and evil, are setting their plans into motion. The crew of the Relativity will be flung into an epic battle that spans both space and time...
Watch the Fancy Intro!
Hidden in the shadowy void of space out beyond the galaxy, a rogue planetoid drifted on an uncertain path. At first glance, it would seem this planet was untouched by intelligent life. But a second glance revealed a collosal warship in orbit. The design, while futuristic, should be familiar to the Star Trek fan. But you’re not going to get the full description yet, as that would ruin the suspense. So there!
The mysterious ship’s bridge appeared to be without power. A few seconds later, however, a large ring on the floor began to glow. A shaft of blinding light shot upward, reaching the ceiling. Inside the shaft of light appeared the familiar silhouette of... Future Guy!
Future Guy chuckled silently. “After all these months, my plan for revenge against the crew of the Relativity is ready to be implemented... Come forth, my new evil minions!”
The lights came on, and several beings stepped onto the bridge... All of them Klingons. Chancellor Gowron stepped forth. “I, Gowron, pledge my alligence to Future Guy! We shall crush our enemies beneath our heels!”
Future Guy cowered a bit. “Stop looking at me like that!”
“With your eyes bugging out of your head! You’re freaking me out!”
“You will take your crew and your ship and you will destroy the Relativity!”
“And in exchange, you will make me the new ruler of the Klingon Empire?”
“It shall be so. The current ruler is a puppet, anyway. He shall be easy to dethrone.”
“A puppet? How dishonorable to be a figurehead while others rule behind the scenes!”
“No, he’s literally a puppet. A sock puppet.”
“Oh... Then the sock puppet shall fall by my hands!”
“Very good... Contact me when you have completed your task.”
And with that, Future Guy vanished. Gowron turned to his crew. “Now, the first thing we have to do is decide who’s getting what job. As Klingons, there is only one way to settle this... By beating the living tar out of each other!”
And with that, Gowron’s crew began fighting each other. Gowron slumped into his captain’s chair, watching with a crazy look in his eyes and a grin on his face...
“Lt. Commander’s (Although soon to be Captain’s) Log: After months of waiting, Starfleet has finally approved my promotion to Captain! I only hope that I can do as well as Captain Braxton... Aw heck, who am I kidding? I’m so going to be a better captain than him!”
Patrick Ducane whistled happily as he strolled down one of Starbase 47’s corridors. Behind him, Jadzia Dax, Tasha Yar, Damar, Kes, and the Doctor ran to catch up to him. Kes grinned. “So today’s the day?”
“Yes, indeed! I’m finally getting promoted to Captain!”
“Well, it’s about time! We’ve been stuck here without one for months! Are we doing the whole sailing ship thing?”
“On the holodeck? Nah, we already parodied that, remember? I’m on my way to one of the conference rooms to meet with the new Admiral.”
“Mind if we tag along? We wouldn’t want to miss your big moment.”
“No problem. But I wonder who the new Admiral is, though...”
“You don’t know?”
“Nope. After Picard retired, Starfleet Command couldn’t find anyone to fill his position. Apparently no-one’s been crazy enough to take command of this starbase.”
Yar shoved Kes out of the way. “Why not?”
“Because whoever takes over this starbase has to deal with us on a regular basis.”
“What’s the matter with us? I mean, sure, Braxton was a pain in the neck, but we’re all normal.”
Everyone stopped and glared at Yar.
Yar corrected her statement. “We’re fairly normal. By comparison, that is.”
Their walk continued. Ducane sighed. “Not everyone’s convinced Braxton is gone for good...”
Meanwhile, back on the Klingon vessel’s bridge, Gowron’s crew sat bandaged and bloody in their seats. Gowron himself, with the same deranged looked in his bulging eyes, laughed. “Excellent... Now all the positions on my ship are filled. As my first officer... General Chang!”
Chang stood up slowly, as he was pretty battered and bruised. “To be, or not to be... on some Aspirin! There’s no question about that! Somebody get me some Aspirin!” He slowly sat back down.
Gowron continued. “As my helmsman, communications officer, and tactical officer, I have Kang, Kor, and Koloth!”
The scene shifted to Kang, Kor, and Koloth, who looked as they did back in the original Star Trek series. “All for one, and one for all!”
The scene shifted back to Gowron, whose eyes were particularly bulging at the moment. “What?!?! Klingons don’t quote Dumas, they quote Shakespeare! Even Chang knows that!”
Chang started yet another boring Shakespeare quote, but then he stopped as he noticed Kang, Kor, and Koloth all looked like they did in Deep Space Nine. “Wait a minute... Didn’t you three just look different?”
The three Klassic Klingons looked at each other in confusion. “We don’t know what you’re talking about...”
Gowron shrugged, then continued. “As my science officer, I have Dr. Emmett L. Brown!”
Sure enough, Dr. Brown was sitting at the science station. Kor, who now looked like he did in TAS, exclaimed, “But... He’s not Klingon!”
Gowron nodded. “That’s true, but Commander Kruge knows nothing about science. So, we got another one of Christopher Lloyd’s characters instead!”
Dr. Brown got up and grabbed Gowron. “Marty! Something’s got to be done about your kids!”
“My name is not Marty and I don’t have kids!”
“Jumping gigawatts! You’re right!”
Confused, Brown sat back down.
Chang whispered to Gowron, “Isn’t ‘gigawatt’ pronounced with a hard ‘g’ sound?”
Gowron whispered back, “Don’t mention that to him. It’ll blow his mind... Anyway, as chief engineer, we have that guy from ‘The Drumhead,’ since that’s the only Klingon engineer I can think of.”
The chief engineer groaned. “My name is J’Dan! J’Dan! And I’m not just an engineer, I’m an archeologist and a museum curator! I’ve got this crazy theory that dinosaurs left Earth and settled in the Delta Quadrant!”
“That’s the dumbest idea I ever heard of!”
J’Dan sulked in his chair.
Gowron smiled. “Well, that’s everybody!”
Koloth (now DS9 Version) looked around, then asked, “Don’t we have a doctor?”
“We’re Klingons! We don’t need doctors! Doctors are for cowards! And so are counselors, so don’t even ask about that!”
Chang asked, “Do we at least have some Aspirin?”
The Relativity crew stepped into the conference room. It was decorated with balloons and streamers, and a large sign read “Congratulations, Captain Ducane!” Ducane looked around, looking as happy as could be. “Wow, the station’s decorator went all out for this! I wish I could freeze this moment in time...”
Dax and Damar simultaneously said, “We can do that.”
“It was a figure of speech! Anyway, all we need is the new admiral to show up to promote me...”
All of a sudden, the far wall blew up, sending smoke and debris flying. Everyone dove for cover. Yar shouted, “What the heck did that?”
As the smoke cleared, Ducane looked to see what happened. He gasped. “Oh no... It can’t be... It’s... It’s...”
Fear me, pitiful biological creatures, for I am... Robo-Nechayev!
A huge, heavily-armed robot that looked vaguely like Admiral Nechayev stormed into the room. Kes asked, “What in the galaxy is a Robo-Nechayev?”
Ducane explained. “Admiral Nechayev was one of the scariest Starfleet Admirals from the 24th Century. Before she died, she had her brain transplanted into an even scarier robot body, so that she could torment Starfleet officers for centuries to come!”
Robo-Nechayev looked around the room. Which one of you miserable carbon-units is designated Ducane?
Ducane got to his feet. “I am, sir.”
By order of Starfleet Command, I am assuming control of this facility. I have also been ordered to promote you to the rank of captain. Approach the Robo-Nechayev!
Ducane carefully walked over and stood cowering before his new commanding officer.
Patrick Ducane, by the power invested in me by the Federation and my own sheer awesomeness, you are hereby promoted to the rank of...
Robo-Nechayev was interrupted by a huge blue flash from the ceiling. Something heavy then fell on top of Ducane. Ducane groaned. “Could this day get any worse?”
A familiar voice responded, “Ducane? Am I back?”
Ducane started crying. “I know that voice! I know that voice!”
The figure got off of Ducane and helped him up. Ducane looked into the face of Captain Braxton. Braxton smiled and gave his first officer a hug. “You’re crying! Are you that happy to see me?”
“No, you dolt! If you could have waited two more seconds before fracturing my spine in several places, I would have been promoted to Captain!”
Robo-Nechayev aimed several weapons at Braxton. Who is this interloper?
Ducane sighed. “This is Captain Braxton, sir.”
Captain Albert Braxton? You are listed as missing in action. Explain.
“The giant subspace drive sent me to the Quantum Leap universe. I’ve been spending the last few months jumping from universe to universe, trying to find my way back.”
Very well. With your return, Ducane’s promotion is no longer necessary. You will now be given your assignment!
Ducane shuffled off, as sad as could be. Braxton watched him, then turned to Robo-Nechayev. “Hold on... Ducane is still a Lt. Commander, right?”
“You could promote him to full Commander, at least.”
Processing... Processing... Very well, this suggestion is acceptable. Patrick Ducane, you are promoted to the rank of commander. Here is your new pip!
Robo-Nechayev launched Ducane’s new pip at him with one of her weapons. It was going so fast it knocked him over. “Ow! Well, I guess this is better than nothing...”
Your new assignment is as follows: Your error caused the planet Earth to return to normal space inside the Vulcan system!
Damar objected. “Actually, that was Scorpy’s mistake...”
Robo-Nechayev fired a phaser in Damar’s direction. Damar just barely took cover behind an overturned table. Silence, you pedantic drone!
Braxton frowned. “That’s my line...”
Robo-Necheyev trained her weapons on Braxton.
“...but you’re free to use it, of course!”
You will return the Earth To Sol System immediately! So commands the Robo-Nechayev! And with that, she stormed out of the room through the giant hole in the wall she made coming in.
Braxton stood there, and then asked to no-one in particular, “And how the heck are we supposed to do that?”
To be continued...