DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!
The following contains spoilers for Season 3 of Enterprise! If you don’t want to be spoiled, do not read on!
So, uh, yeah. You have been warned.
“Captain’s Log: We have been tasked by Robo-Nechayev with returning the planet Earth to its proper location in the galaxy. Unfortunately, there are two problems with that. First, we have absolutely no idea how to move a planet from one star system to another without reducing it to rubble in the process. Second, we’re going nowhere in a hurry, as we still don’t have a new helmsman/conn officer...”
Captain Braxton poked his head into Robo-Nechayev’s new office. “Pardon me, Admiral, but...”
Braxton quickly dodged as a phaser beam came right at him. Who dares disturb the Robo-Nechayev?
“It is I, Braxton, the small and generally idiotic.”
You should be moving the Earth out of the Vulcan system!
“Well, yeah, but there’s a few small problems with that. First, we need somebody to drive our ship.”
The loss of Sulu...
“That’s Captain Sulu.”
The loss of Sulu has left you without a conn officer. The Robo-Nechayev understands.
Braxton let out a small sigh of relief. “Good.”
I shall assign Wesley Crusher to your ship.
“You’re new around here, so let me tell you how things work. You give me a choice between Wesley Crusher and some generally comedic individual. Of course, no sane person would choose Mr. Crusher, so I gain another wacky minion. Hilarious hijinks ensue.”
That is illogical.
“Welcome to the Series ? universe.”
Wesley Crusher will be assigned to your ship. The Robo-Nechayev has spoken.
You may wail pathetically outside my office.
Braxton stepped back outside. “Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Hey... Wait a minute...”
Braxton looked around him. He had thoroughly expected to find himself in one of Starbase 47’s corridors, but he was clearly not. He did, however, recognize the individual who was walking towards him. “Mom?”
“Do I look like your mother, Braxton? I’m Daniels, remember?”
“Daniels? Didn’t I tell you to keep your nose out of my century?”
“Yes. You also told me I had a stupid haircut.”
“Well, you do.”
“This is not the time to discuss hairstyles, Braxton. I need to show you something.”
Daniels pointed over to a nearby large window. The duo walked over to it and looked outside. What they saw was a huge field of rocky debris floating in space.
Braxton rolled his eyes. “You brought me here to see your rock collection? And where is here, anyway?”
“As usual, it’s not so much a where as a when. I’ve brought you into the 31st Century.”
“Meh. I’ve been here before.”
“Yes, I know. The whole Doctor timeloop. While, thanks to your actions, that timeline has been erased, an even worse one has been created. What you see before you used to be the planets Earth and Vulcan.”
“Ouch, indeed. Because you were unsuccessful in moving Earth back to the Sol System, Earth and Vulcan eventually collided.”
“It’s not my fault! It was Scorpius! Scorpius!”
“I know, but you have to fix it.”
“I’m glad you asked. Have you ever heard of the Tkon Empire?”
“It was a civilization that thrived 600,000 years ago in the Alpha Quadrant. It was highly advanced, and rumors persisted long after the Tkon fell that they had the ability to move planets.”
“Then all I have to do is go back in time, pick up one of these planet-moving thingamajigs, and fix everything.”
“It’s not quite as simple as that, Braxton. These planetmovers were impressive pieces of technology. Removing one from the timeline could be disastrous.”
“Then why bother telling me about them?”
“You can take one of them. But you have to take one immediately before the supernova that destroys the Tkon Empire. That way, the timeline will not be affected.”
“So we’ll be racing against the clock again, huh?”
“Alrighty. Then kindly drop me back off in my own century, and I’ll get to work.”
“Not so fast. There’s something else that you need to know. Although you may have permenantly defeated the Vaadwaur, Future Guy is still very much active and very much out for revenge. He has brought several of history’s most dangerous Klingons to the 29th Century, given them a powerful warship, and tasked them with destroying you.”
“Wow. Did you scan history to find all this out?”
Several days ago, at the weekly Temporal Cold War poker game...
Future Guy grabbed a few more pretzels. “So I’m setting my plan for revenge against Braxton into motion...”
Daniels looked over his cards. “I’ve been wondering what you’ve been up to lately, what with not being on Enterprise.”
“Well, I would be on Enterprise if somebody hadn’t riled up the Xindi and gotten them to attack Earth!”
Future Guy shot a nasty glance at the Sphere-Builder woman, who was munching on some potato chips. “Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.”
“To avoid losing to the Federation in the 26th Century?”
“No, that’s just a cover. The real plan is to make sure neither of you two ever exist so I will have never lost all this cash in these poker games!”
“That seems pretty extreme.”
“Not for the amount of money I’ve lost.”
Daniels grinned. “Yeah, I’ll be sitting pretty for a while. Anyway, what’s the deal with this revenge against Braxton, Future Guy?”
“Oh, you know... Bring a bunch of Klingons to the 29th Century, give them a warship, tell them to kill Braxton.”
“I thought you couldn’t actually transport stuff through time.”
“I was able to rent a decent time machine for a day with all the money I’ve won from the Sphere-Builder here.”
Braxton scratched his head in confusion. “Xindi? Sphere-Builders?”
Daniels sighed. “Honestly, Braxton, don’t you know anything about the 22nd Century?”
“Sure I do! I’ve studied the Star Trek Chronology book quite extensively.”
“Do you have any concept as to how out-of-date that book is?”
“Never mind, just go do what I told you to.”
“And what was that?”
Daniels shoved a piece of paper into Braxton’s hands. “Here! I wrote it all down for you! Now get to work!”
And with that, Daniels shoved Braxton through a doorway, and the 29th Century captain found himself back in one of Starbase 47’s corridors.
Several hours later, after having reviewed Daniels’ plan again after having forgotten it several more times, revealed what had just happened to his crew.
Ducane shirked in horror. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard!”
“Why? We’ve got the plan to save the future.”
“Not that! Wesley Crusher as our conn officer? Doesn’t Robo-Nechayev understand how things work around here?”
Damar interrupted. “I wouldn’t worry about Crusher. I think I know how we can get out of having him here.”
Braxton grabbed Damar by the collar. “What? How? Tell me, man!”
“During the few months we’ve been stuck here, Xaronna took piloting lessons! Just promote her to conn officer and let’s get out of here before Crusher arrives!”
“That’s brilliant! But wait... If Xaronna becomes part of the main cast, who will be our token recurring crewmember?”
Kes interrupted. “What about Lt. Peters? He could be the new token recurring crewmember.”
“Lt. Peters. He was the guy who played the kazoo at Evil Braxton’s funeral.”
“Oh... That guy. Is he even still around?”
“Somewhere, I think.”
“Very well! Xaronna is now the new conn officer. Get her up here so we can scram before The Boy shows up!”
Several minutes later, the Relativity undocked from Starbase 47 and jumped to hyperwarp. Seconds later, Wesley Crusher strolled down the corridor to the airlock where the Relativity had been docked. “At last, I’m back on Star Trek!”
He knocked on the airlock. “Hello? New conn officer reporting for duty! Open up! Hello? Anyone there?”
To be continued...