The City on the Edge of Spock’s Brain
By Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: 80 years before The Next Generation. I am responsible for the lives of 430 crew members. I just got done walking around the Starship Enterprise with my shirt off. I’m returning to the Bridge, Spock has received some strange readings from a nearby star system.”
Captain Kirk enters the Bridge, he turns to Spock and says, “So Spock, have you determined the nature of these readings? Are they poetry readings? Bible readings?? A reading of a will??”
Spock replies, “None of the above, Captain Kirk.”
Kirk says, “Spock, we are good friends, you can call me Jim.”
Spock corrects himself, “As you wish, Captain Jim.”
Suddenly, Mr. Sulu makes a shocking announcement, “Captain!! There are three Vidiian ships headed right for us!!!”
Kirk says, “Hmmmmm... What the hell is a Vidiian?? Ah, no time for explanations. I am responsible for the lives of 430 crew members. All hands: Battle stations!!”
At that moment, a shapely Vidiian woman beams aboard the Enterprise. She says, “Hello. We are from the Delta Quadrant. One of our planet’s biggest imports are internal organs. So if you don’t mind, we’d like to take the brains of all your crew members.”
Captain Kirk is outraged! He walks over to the Vidiian woman. Kirk (the Richard Dawson of the 23rd century) first kisses the Vidiian and then says, “How dare you ask for my crew’s brains?? Have you lost your mind??”
The Vidiian says, “Yes, we have, that’s why we need to steal yours. But, I will settle for the brain of that Vulcan with the bad haircut.”
With that, the Vidiian woman steals Spock’s Brain and returns to her ship. Kirk says, “Mr. Sulu... Follow them! Warp 15!”
Uhura says, “Hailing frequencies open, Sir.”
Kirk screams, “Look, Uhura, I know you’re supposed to use that line in every single episode, but can you give it a rest this week???”
Suddenly Sulu says, “Captain! That ship has entered a time warp!” At that moment, the crew is worried. Suddenly, things all around them change. Pictures of Mussolini mysteriously materialize on the Bridge.
Mr. Chekov says, “Keptin!! I have to show you something, Keptin!” Chekov pulls up a file showing a newspaper from 1948 which says, “Idiotic Edith Keeler prevents United States from winning World War II. Italy and Nazi Germany have taken over the Earth!”
Kirk laments, “This could only mean one thing. When Spock’s Brain traveled backwards in time, it somehow changed the course of history. And allowed the evil empires to take over the planet!” Kirk pauses for a moment and says, “I am responsible for the lives of 430 crew members. Dr. McCoy and I will go back in time and try to prevent Spock’s Brain from altering the future. Uhura, call McCoy to the Bridge.”
Uhura says hopefully, “Can I use the hailing frequencies?”
Kirk nods his head and then Uhura says, “Yes!! Dr. McCoy, please report to the Bridge, or pick up the courtesy phone. You are needed for time travel duty.”
McCoy comes to the Bridge and Kirk fills him in on what happened. McCoy is stunned and says, “That green-blooded son of a bitch. It’s his revenge for all those arguments he lost!”
Chekov says, “Keptin!! I found the true news article. I found out what was supposed to happen to Edith Keeler! Apparently she was supposed to die after a terrible chain of events: First she gets hit by a car, then struck by lightning, then develop scarlet fever, and then get hit from by a meteorite from outer space!”
Kirk says, “Damn! That’s one doomed lady! Somehow, Spock’s brain prevented her from dying. And as a result, she sweet-talked Roosevelt into not fighting in World War II... Okay, come on Bones, let’s go change history!”
McCoy says, “Dammit Jim!! How many times have I told you not to call me Bones in front of the crew!”
So anyways, Kirk and McCoy travel back in time to 1942. When they arrive Kirk says, “Okay, first we better steal some clothes...”
McCoy gasps, “You’re right!! They beamed us here naked! Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes! ...Ugh! We’d better steal those clothes!”
Unfortunately, there is a severe clothing shortage and the only things Kirk and McCoy can find are a couple of dresses. So, Kirk and McCoy are forced to become drag queens, for the sake of humanity.
Suddenly, Kirk and McCoy are stopped by a policeman who says, “You boys stole those dresses! I’m afraid I’m going to have to take you downtown.”
McCoy panics, “You are going to arrest us?? You uniform-wearing son of a bitch! It’s your revenge for all those arguments you lost!”
Luckily, Kirk gives the cop a karate chop. And then Kirk and McCoy continue their search for Edith Keeler. They finally find Edith. She’s going on and on to some homeless man saying, “I think that one day man will be able to harness the atom. I think one day we will travel to far away planets. I think one day we will face a threat from the Borg. I think one day we...”
Kirk says to McCoy, “Look!! There she is. Standing right in the middle of the street! Maybe if we’re lucky she’ll get hit by a car right now and be turned into road pizza!”
At that moment, a speeding car heads right for Edith Keeler. Edith is about to be run over when she sees something really, really strange on the other side of the street. Edith rushes to the other side of the street to see what it is... And the car misses Edith!
Edith approaches the strange artifact and says, “Why.... it’s a brain!! What the hell is a brain doing on the sidewalk? How could somebody be so careless as to forget their brain!” McCoy watches from the shadows, “Damn! Spock’s Brain just prevented her from being killed! Now what are we going to do??”
With that, Kirk pulls out his phaser and shoots Edith Keeler. McCoy says, “Well, I guess that’s one way to solve the problem...”
Kirk and McCoy rush over to Spock’s Brain. They pass by Edith, who is dying after being shot with the phaser. And then Edith Keeler utters her final words, “One day... I predict man will invent the phaser...” With that, Edith croaks!
Moments later, McCoy and Kirk are returned to the Enterprise. McCoy performs surgery to return Spock’s Brain to where it came from.
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. Once again we’ve saved civilization as we know it. McCoy and I have repaired the time line and I got to kiss a Vidiian female. Not bad for a day’s work. After all, I am responsible for the lives of 430 crew members, and I want to think that I’m really quite the stud...”