Revised Scene from The Empire Strikes Back
Written by Unknown
Hey... where did I ever say that this archive is exclusively for Star Trek? Read on... this is funny!
INT: CLOUD CITY — BESPIN GANTRY
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick Errol Flynn move by Vader, and Luke’s hand goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft! Luke cries out, holding his stub arm. He backs away, looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No!!! It’s not true! It’s impossible.
Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: (in tears) Noooooo!
Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Vader: Yeah, Threepio. I built him when I was seven years old.
Luke: No wonder he’s such a pain in the neck!
Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Vader: When you were, what, 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a shielded Trade Federation droid control ship... with a lucky shot!
Luke: Well, I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 racing through Beggar’s Canyon...
Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor! Ten years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open, only human to ever fly a pod racer... Right here, baby!
Luke: (looking dejected) But, but, it’s not my fault...
Vader: Oh! Here we go... (whining) “Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... Boo-Hoo... My daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith... Waahhh! Waahhh!”
Luke: (stammering) Shut up! Shut up!!!
Vader: You’re a slacker! You think I had a Dad there for me? Ha! I was conceived by the midichlorians and raised by my mother in slavery! But by the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi Knights!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Vader: I was wrong... You know what— you’re not my kid! You’re not good enough to be my kid!
Luke, in tears, takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him...
Vader: And get a haircut! Pfffft!