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Revised Scene from The Empire Strikes Back

Written by Unknown

Hey... where did I ever say that this archive is exclusively for Star Trek? Read on... this is funny!

INT: CLOUD CITY — BESPIN GANTRY

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick Errol Flynn move by Vader, and Luke’s hand goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft! Luke cries out, holding his stub arm. He backs away, looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader
Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?
Luke
He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Vader
No... I am your father!
Luke
No!!! It’s not true! It’s impossible.
Vader
Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke
(in tears) Noooooo!
Vader
Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke
Threepio?
Vader
Yeah, Threepio. I built him when I was seven years old.
Luke
No wonder he’s such a pain in the neck!
Vader
Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke
I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Vader
When you were, what, 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a shielded Trade Federation droid control ship... with a lucky shot!
Luke
Well, I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 racing through Beggar’s Canyon...
Vader
Oh, for the love of the Emperor! Ten years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open, only human to ever fly a pod racer... Right here, baby!
Luke
(looking dejected) But, but, it’s not my fault...
Vader
Oh! Here we go... (whining) “Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... Boo-Hoo... My daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith... Waahhh! Waahhh!”
Luke
(stammering) Shut up! Shut up!!!
Vader
You’re a slacker! You think I had a Dad there for me? Ha! I was conceived by the midichlorians and raised by my mother in slavery! But by the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi Knights!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Vader
I was wrong... You know what— you’re not my kid! You’re not good enough to be my kid!

Luke, in tears, takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him...

Vader
And get a haircut! Pfffft!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, January 26, 2011.