SMARMY HOST: Hello, I’m Jeff Probst, and I love to hear myself talk. Hopefully, you love to hear me talk too, because I am going to be around for a very long time. I like to find deep meanings in things that have very simple meanings. I also enjoy spouting the flowery and poorly written lines the producers hand me. Now, let’s meet the contestants whom you will come to know and hopefully love over the course of the next few episodes. The brave pioneers of ... Voyager: Survivor. First, we’ll meet the members of the team known as the Tagi-ons.
[The contestants arrive aboard Voyager, and the Caretaker pulls them into the Delta Quadrant, 75,000 light years from home. The contestants introduce themselves. Cut to: JANEWAY, sitting in her ready room.]
JANEWAY: I’m 29 years old, 36, 26, 36, and a size 3. (Big smile) I’m a government official in charge of over 100 people. I’m very outgoing, and I’m looking for the right man to settle down with. 5’9", no more than 170 pounds please, non-smoker, must love dogs and coffee, and of course must do it the Janeway or no way.”
SMARMY HOST’S VOICE: Kathryn, this is Survivor, not Love Connection.”
JANEWAY: (long pause) Oh. Is it too late to return to the Alpha Quadrant, then? My biological clock is really ticking here!”
[Cut to: TORRES, standing by the warp core]
B’ELANNA: My name is B’Elanna Torres. I’m half-Klingon and half-human. I’m a former Maquis member and I hate Starfleet. I can’t believe I am on a team with so many Starfleet officers. I hate this team. And what kind of stupid name is Tagi-ons?”
[Cut to: CHAKOTAY, meditating in his quarters]
CHAKOTAY: Koochie-koochie-koo ... we are far from the bones of our ancestors’ decomposing skeletons. We are far from the sacred lands, stolen from us by imperialistic slaughterers. I ask for a guide to aid me over troubled waters.
[KELLY WIGLESWORTH walks on screen.]
KELLY: (looks around) Did someone ask for a guide?
[Cut to: TUVOK, with raised eyebrow]
TUVOK: I fail to see the logic in this.
SMARMY HOST’S VOICE: Just introduce yourself.
TUVOK: Very well. I am Lieutenant Commander Tuvok of Vulcan.
SMARMY HOST’S VOICE: Tell us a little more.
TUVOK: What is there to tell? I have had very few focus episodes these seven years. Even I am unaware of any character I have.
[Cut to: PARIS sitting at the helm. His feet are up on the console and he is kicking back.]
PARIS: Man, too bad about Lieutenant Stadi dying in that explosion. But hey, there are plenty of shagadelic women on team Tagi-ons. Like that Samantha Wildman ... well, even though she has a kid. Hey, I’m not looking for a family here! Oh, Kes has some possibilities. Hell, I’ll take anyone over that crabapple Torres! You’ll never catch me ending up with a [BLEEP] like that!
[Cut to: Samantha WILDMAN in the mess hall, sitting at a table.]
WILDMAN: It’s really hard raising a child all by yourself, 75,000 light years away from home! I mean, it really is. None of these other people have to deal with what I have to deal with. I must say, it isn’t as hard as explaining where I’ve been all this time, though. Or as hard as pronouncing my husband’s name.
SMARMY HOST’S VOICE: You mean Greskrendtregk?
WILDMAN: Oh, gesundheit!
[Cut to: KIM standing at Ops.]
KIM: I’m a musician! I play the clarinet. I know the musicians go really far in this game.
SMARMY HOST’S VOICE: Actually, the first person kicked off on the last Survivor was the musician. She played the ukulele.
KIM: Well, that’s why then. The ukulele sucks. Clarinets are so wonderfully phallic. Anyway, I’m also an eager beaver and expert brown-noser. My strategy is to ingratiate myself to Janeway. She’s got to be the most popular person here, right? And she’ll reward me by giving me lots of promotions! Commander Kim, I like the sound of that ...
[Cut to: KES. She looks really P.O.ed]
KES: Why did they leave me behind? Why did they make me suffer!? (She blows up a bulkhead.) I’ll make them all pay!!
[Cut to: SMARMY HOST. He is wearing his usual smarmy smirk.]
SMARMY HOST: And out to stop these eight people are the members of the opposing team. Formerly called the Pagong Tribe, they have been renamed Team Seven of Nine by their Borg Queen, Seven of Nine.
[Cut to: SEVEN standing in her alcove.]
SEVEN: I am Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One.
SMARMY HOST’S VOICE: Wow, that’s a mouthful. What do your teammates call you?
SEVEN: Dread Lord, or Her Majesty the Borg Queen. But you may call me Seven of Nine.
SMARMY HOST’S VOICE: What do you do?
SEVEN: Brannon Braga.
SMARMY HOST’S VOICE: No, what do you do.
SEVEN: I am the star of Star Trek: Seven of Nine.
[Cut to: SMARMY HOST standing next to a group of seven people.]
SMARMY HOST: The Queen’s subjects had very little of significance to say, generally. The Doctor wished to sing an aria from Rigoletto instead of introducing himself, so he will begin while the other members of Team Seven of Nine briefly sum themselves up in one sentence, as ordained by the Borg Queen.
[The EMH begins to sing.]
NEELIX: My name is Neelix, I’m the cook aboard this—
VORIK: I am Vorik. In my spare time, I like to assault half-Klingon females.
NEELIX: —garbage scow, and then I finished that job and took one running a—
NAOMI WILDMAN: Seven is my new mommy!
NEELIX: —prison camp, but with Voyager’s help I rescued Kes and now we enjoy planning each other’s—
BARCLAY: I d-d-don’t ... what I mean to say is, I don’t b-belong on this ship...
NEELIX: —untimely death. But I hate talking about Alixia, I much prefer—
CAREY: I’m Joseph Carey. Remember me?
NEELIX: —whips and chains and all sorts of unusual items. It was a marvelous weapons store, really!
SESKA: I am Seska, a Bajoran woman. No really, I’m Bajoran. Ask anyone. Except the Doctor.
SMARMY HOST: Well, there you have it. Sixteen brave souls, but only one will survive. We have some interesting matchups heading your way. Will it be the operatic prima donna hologram, or the naïve brown-nosing clarinet player? Will it be mother or daughter? Vulcan or Vulcan? Male or female? True or false? The chicken, or the egg? Coffee, tea, or me? If the tree falls in the forest but no one is around to hear it, does it still...
[Cut to: A picture of the Caretaker’s Array. The SMARMY HOST is in an EVA suit and walking around on Voyager’s hull.]
SMARMY HOST: The first immunity challenge is called the Caretaker Array Conundrum. The object is to find a way to stop the Kazon from using the Array to destroy the Ocampa race, while still using it to get Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant. The first team with a suggestion that works will win immunity! The other team must go to the Tribal Council and listen to me spout rejected Dianetics dogma!
VARIOUS VOICES, OVER THE COMMLINK: Yuck!
SMARMY HOST: Let’s check in on Team Seven of Nine first. They’ve chosen the cargo bay as their base of operations. Its beach is not as nice as team Tagi-ons’, but the fish are more plentiful there!
[Cut to SEVEN sitting in a throne. The others are standing around.]
SEVEN: My plan is to plant a timed bomb aboard the Array, then use it to send this ship back, at which time the bomb will detonate. The array will be destroyed, and we will be home. It is efficient.
VORIK: But what if the Kazon deactivate the bomb? Or if it doesn’t go off as planned? Your plan leaves for a 14.7% chance of failure—
SEVEN: You will comply or I will assimilate you.
BARCLAY: Well! L-l-let’s g-g-get st-started then!
[Cut to: Team Tagi-ons. They are sitting in the conference lounge.]
JANEWAY: Can someone get me some coffee?
PARIS: You don’t seem to be getting the way this whole thing works, Kathryn.
JANEWAY: (miffed) I wasn’t aware we were on a first-name basis.
PARIS: We’re on a ship over seventy thousand light years away from home. Our ship is badly damaged, we won’t have any contact with our friends or family for the duration of this game, and we have to fend for ourselves, finding our own food sources.
JANEWAY: So ... no coffee?
PARIS: That’s right.
JANEWAY: But I need my coffee ...
TORRES: What if we planted a timed bomb upon the array, setting it to go off the second after we return to the Alpha Quadrant—
TUVOK: I have already considered that possibility. There is a 14.7% chance of failure. The Kazon could disarm the bomb, or simply beam it off the array.
JANEWAY: No coffee? No coffee!
PARIS: Look, isn’t it more important that we get home?
KES: What about my people, the Ocampa? The Kazon will destroy them if they gain control of the Array! My entire homeworld will be reduced to rubble, or worse, the Kazon will enslave the Ocampa, just as I was once enslaved!
[KES begins to sob. KIM and TORRES pat her on the back.]
JANEWAY: (whimpering) But I need my coffee!
PARIS: Yah, that’s rough — er, I mean ... you’re right, we can’t leave your people to die. I’ll do everything in my power to protect them!
KES: You— you will? You mean it?
PARIS: Yes! Now that that’s settled ... wanna make out?
JANEWAY: (slams a fist on the table) I will not remain here without coffee! I want you to destroy that array at once!
TUVOK: But captain, why would we destroy the array?
KES: Are you doing it to save my people?
JANEWAY: I’m doing it because the lack of coffee is affecting my mind!! Fire all weapons!
[Voyager fires upon the Array, reducing it to smithereens. The SMARMY HOST’s voice comes over the comm system, speaking to everyone on the ship.]
SMARMY HOST: Team Tagi-ons, you have successfully destroyed the Array.
SMARMY HOST: However, you were also supposed to get Voyager back home.
SMARMY HOST: So, Team Seven of Nine wins by default! Team Tagi-ons, you must travel down the Jefferies Tubes into the bowels of the ship to face the Tribal Council!
TORRES: Nice going, Janeway! You made us lose!
PARIS: And now we’re stuck in the Delta Quadrant!
KIM: (sobs) I’ll never see my mommy or daddy again!
TUVOK: It was a highly illogical move.
WILDMAN: And my daughter will never again see her father Grosskin — Grimtraintrack — whatever.
CHAKOTAY: I hate you, Janeway! And I hate this show! I hate it, hate it, hate it!
[CHAKOTAY is given his paycheck.]
CHAKOTAY: Voyager is a really great show...
KES: Janeway! You have not only destroyed my life in the future, but the lives of all these people as well! Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?
JANEWAY: (weakly) Do I get coffee now?
[Various members of Team Tagi-ons are interviewed about the events of the proceeding day, as they prepare to climb down the Jefferies Tubes to go to Tribal Council.]
CHAKOTAY: Oh, you’re finally going to focus on me? Well, it’s about time. I never get anything to do on this damned piece of crap show! And before you say it, you smarmy little SOB, no it has nothing to do with the fact that I just phone in my performances these days. I take great interest in my character. I also skim the scripts often, that’s why I know there are no plots about me! Someone is going to pay for this at the Tribal Council! And her name is ... well I won’t tell you, but it rhymes with Pathrin Blaineway!
[KES and TORRES sit together on the holodeck, looking out at an ocean.]
KES: The Tribal Council should be interesting, huh? I have no idea who to vote for!
TORRES: Well, I know who I’m voting for. The stupid [BLEEP] who got us stuck in this backwater excuse of a quadrant.
KES: Life in the Delta Quadrant isn’t so bad, really. Sure, there’s very little water, and no sources of dilithium, but hey ... the writers will forget about all that stuff in a couple of seasons, you’ll see!
TORRES: No offense lady, but I like my quadrant just fine. We’re from the Alpha Quadrant. That’s Alpha, as in first and best. I don’t want to live in your pathetic Delta Quadrant.
KES: Wh— what are you trying to say? How dare you—
TORRES: Look, if you and that idiot Knee-licks are representative of the aliens in the Delta Quadrant, this is a pretty sorry place! Your boyfriend is nothing but a greedy, bumbling baffoon! And you! What’s up with your hair? You’re pretty boring and superfluous, too—
KES: Be quiet at once!!
TORRES: And that thing where you have babies out of your back is really disgusting—
[KES screams and sends TORRES flying with a spark of energy. TORRES hits the holodeck wall and falls to the floor, unconscious. KES sits back down, suddenly very calm.]
KES: Hmm ... I think I just figured out who I might be voting for!
[Cut to JANEWAY in her ready room. She’s drinking out of an empty coffee cup, nothing more than an automaton or a junkie without her fix. PARIS enters the ready room.]
JANEWAY: Cof— coffee...
PARIS: You asked to see me?
JANEWAY: You’re the closest thing we have to... we have to a coffee on this team. I need you to find—
PARIS: Closest thing we have to a what?
JANEWAY: A medic. Didn’t I say medic? I need you to find some way to stop this constant coffee craving I am having! I’ll go mad if I have to spend the next thirty-seven days like this!
PARIS: (snorts) What makes you think you’ll be here even one more day?
JANEWAY: I beg your pardon?
[Cut to The Tagi-ons climbing down the Jefferies Tubes ladders, one by one. JANEWAY goes down first, still clutching her coffee cup. TORRES follows, her head bandaged crudely by PARIS, who comes down after her. He is looking up, up KES’s skirt, actually. The young Ocampa is unaware of this.]
[Cut to A sparse, unfinished room on Deck Twelve. The entire group sits on small wooden stumps arranged in a half-circle. The SMARMY HOST greets them.]
SMARMY HOST: Welcome to Tribal Council, everyone. How did you like the journey? It can be quite perilous, can’t it?
TUVOK: (raised eyebrow) Indeed. The trip is strenuous and slightly unnerving.
WILDMAN: I almost slipped once!
CHAKOTAY: I did slip and fall!
SMARMY HOST: Ouch. Are you okay?
CHAKOTAY: I think I was killed! I must consult my animal guide ...
SMARMY HOST: O-kay! Not so fast there, Geronimo! We’ve got a vote to conduct first! You can go on your psychotropic spirit quest in a moment, provided you aren’t voted off the ship!
CHAKOTAY: Your ethnic slurs are insulting.
TORRES: So is your voice!
SMARMY HOST: You each have with you a plasma torch, which signifies you. When you are voted off the ship, your torch will be snuffed out, not unlike how your life will soon be snuffed out thereafter.
SMARMY HOST: I’m getting ahead of myself, though! Anyway... Samantha.
WILDMAN: Yes, oh smarmy one?
SMARMY HOST: Do you miss your husband? Greskrendtregk?
SMARMY HOST: Do you miss him, Sam?
WILDMAN: Oh, I guess so. He was good in bed. Those little horns on his head... yummy!
SMARMY HOST: How do you feel knowing your daughter may never see her father, and that it’s all due to the foolish doings of Kathryn Janeway?
WILDMAN: GRR! I hate Janeway!
SMARMY HOST: B’Elanna...
TORRES: What she said. I hate Janeway too.
SMARMY HOST: Tuvok, you’ll never see your wife again. She’s with child, is she not?
TUVOK: She is.
SMARMY HOST: Do you still feel a strong bond with Kathryn Janeway, the woman who has single-handedly destroyed your Starfleet career and your marriage?
TUVOK: (long pause) I will have to get back to you on that.
JANEWAY: Hey! Why are you inciting all this hatred against me?!
KIM: Yeah, leave her alone! She’s a good captain!
PARIS: You’re a disgusting piece of slime, Harry Kim. And I ought to know.
SMARMY HOST: Kathryn, your rash actions are what led you and your fellow Tagi-ons to be stranded in the Delta Quadrant permanently.
JANEWAY: Yah, so? I want coffee!
SMARMY HOST: Don’t you think that will reflect poorly on you?
JANEWAY: (becomes introspective) No... no, I don’t think so. You see, these people are my crew, be they Starfleet or Maquis. They all know that what I do, I do in their best interests. I may follow the Prime Directive one minute, then break it the next. I may refuse to give the Kazon Starfleet technology, but give it away like nothing to the Hirogen. My actions often make no sense! But I love these people. They’re my family. I love each and everyone one of them ... from dear, sweet spiritual Chakotay, to fiery Torres. My counsel, my friend, Tuvok. And Tom Paris, whom I have great hopes for. I even love Kes, even though I have known her only one day! She’s such a sweet person. She brings tears to my eyes, she is so saccharin. Oh, and then there’s that lady, Wilding is it?
WILDMAN: Wildman, sir. Sam Wildman.
JANEWAY: Yes, well, whatever. You aren’t in the main cast, so you’re unimportant. But I still love you. I love everyone I mentioned!
KIM: (quietly) You didn’t mention me—
JANEWAY: All of you people are my flock, and I am your Good Shepherd. I won’t pretend that sometimes I don’t have many Faces, but there’s no Voyager Conspiracy here. What I do, I do for you... Remember that. Don’t listen to this smarmy host Drone on about me, your Nemesis. I’m your Caretaker, right here, In the Flesh! Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy, Pathfinder, I do it all for you! I share your Hope and Fear. I do! But together, we’ll find a way. I’ll make finding a way out of this Dark Frontier, my personal Cathexis. With me, you will get home to your families. That is why you must see through The Cloud of suspicion and hatred this host has lain upon me. We all have been Displaced, but only through Unity will we Rise above our current woes and break through a new Threshold! I will lead you to a Fair Haven, this I vow! Don’t condemn me Ex Post Facto for my decisions, forget my past decisions! They don’t matter! Prior actions, things about my personality— none of it matters! My personality changes constantly! Nothing in my past is Unforgettable. I have but One request of you. If you wish to avoid turning Voyager into a Barge of the Dead, don’t vote me out! You know who to vote for. Now, go do it!
[JANEWAY sits down. KES and KIM are moved to tears and begin to cry. PARIS claps, as does TUVOK. TORRES still looks pretty miffed. WILDMAN is perplexed. CHAKOTAY is asleep.]
SMARMY HOST: Well, we’ll see if that rambling speech helped you or not, Kathryn. It’s time to vote. Mr. Kim, if you’ll go first?
Fifteen minutes later...
SMARMY HOST: The tribe has spoken. Receiving a unanimous nine votes, the first person kicked off the ship is... Harry Kim!
SMARMY HOST: Everyone voted against you! And apparently, you voted against you as well!
PARIS: Talk about naïve...
KIM: But— but what did I do? (to Janeway) I kissed up to you!
JANEWAY: I know. I do hate kiss-ups so.
KIM: (to Torres) But— but Janeway got us stuck in the Delta Quadrant!
TORRES: Sorry, Starfleet. Even with that bonehead move, she’s still smarter than you are.
KIM: (to Kes) But... I love you?
KES: You do? That’s so sweet! I’ll miss you when you’re floating in the vacuum of space, Harry!
SMARMY HOST: Kes has hit the nail on the head! Kim, the Tribal Council has spoken. I will now snuff out your plasma torch, signifying the end of your bright career. There will be no light at the end of your tunnel. It’s all darkness from here. No light, no plasma, no nothing. Nothing but space. Empty space.
TUVOK: Space is not empty. It contains dust, bits of ice—
SMARMY HOST: Yes, Harry, you are going to be beamed off Voyager and left behind as this brave ship continues on, now with only fifteen people, desperately struggling to find a way home. The next weeks will be tough, but they will all manage. And some of them may even think about you from time to time. But as for you, you will be doing no thinking as you slowly asphyxiate in the cold, cold bosom of your final mistress, sweet sweet Death herself.
KIM: No! Please!! Don’t kill me! Mommy—!
SMARMY HOST: (bows his head) Energize.
[KIM is beamed off the ship, yelling bloody murder. His clarinet is left behind.]
SMARMY HOST: Have a safe journey back to Deck Two. I’ll see you in a few days.
[The Survivor theme song is heard as the remaining members of Tagi-ons get up and shuffle out of the Tribal Council room. Cut to KIM floating away in space. Credits roll.]
KIM: I just wanted to say, I don’t hold it against anyone for voting for me. I had a really great experience, and it was a lot of fun. I wish them all good luck and — a— ackkk—
[KIM passes out from the lack of oxygen and quietly floats away, off into a murky nebula.]
WHO WILL BECOME THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR?
TUNE IN TO FIND OUT WHO WILL BE KICKED OFF NEXT!