Written by Heiwa
Various people appear on screen, talking to the camera and to the audience, explaining the trials and tribulations they have faced. All of them are sitting on the holodeck in a jungle setting, for some odd reason.
Tagi-ons
Coffee and sex. I miss them so. You don’t know how bad it has been, going without coffee. Tom Paris has been giving me direct caffeine injections into my bloodstream, but I’m starting to build up a tolerance. I’m also without anyone to share myself. I simply cannot start a relationship with my first officer, it’s verboten! Besides, he’s a pagan, I’m an atheist, it would never work. Tuvok is my closest friend, and I could trust him with my luscious body... but he’s a married man. He won’t go for it. That leaves Tom Paris. Paris only thinks with the head below his waistline, unfortunately. Besides, we’ve already had sex and had baby salamander offspring together. I don’t recall him being all that great in bed. He hasn’t paid me any child support, either!
Team Seven of Nine
Ohh, it’s simply wonderful being out here on the frontier! I’ve gotten to premiere my leola root stew to a whole new group of people! I think it is well on its way to becoming a Delta Quadrant specialty, if I say so myself! I haven’t heard a single bad thing about leola roots yet!
Team Seven of Nine
I have urged everyone not to eat Mr. Neelix’s cooking. By the Hippocratic Oath, I was required to do so; doctors must do no harm. The Talaxian’s cooking is nearly lethal. Why does he not realize everyone hates leola root anything?
Tagi-ons
I really miss Naomi. I hope someone is taking care of her, like the Doctor.
Team Seven of Nine
My new mommy told me that if I ever mentioned my old mommy, that my nira— um, neurocircuitry and internal organs would all be ripped out. I dunno what a niracircuitry is, but I don’t think I want mine ripped out. My new mommy had this kind of mean look when she said it.
Tagi-ons
I am concerned about the captain. Earlier today she told me that the Prime Directive was something she had learned about in first grade. ‘Curious’, I said, ‘It is a complex topic to teach to such young children.’ ‘Nonsense, Tuvok’, she replied. ‘It is a simple problem of mathematics. The Prime Directive goes 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17 ... [TUVOK frowns deeply.] Her sexual frustration is at an all-time high, matched only by her insatiable thirst for coffee. I believe the combination has begun to addle her mind. It is likely she will make further bad decisions that will only further undermine the extreme lack of faith her crew has in her command ability.
Tagi-ons
No, of course we haven’t forgotten about Janeway’s actions getting us stranded in the Delta Quadrant for what could be the rest of our lives. But it was really important to cut the weakest links in the team, and they don’t come weaker than Harry Kim. I mean, come on, the clarinet? That is so fey...
Tagi-ons
I agree with Harry. The clarinet is indeed a very phallic instrument! I’ve been using the one he left behind as a vibr— uh, to teach myself music. Something to pass the time.
I was walking down the corridors with Seven of Nine yesterday, when we heard this strange, discordant sound coming from where Team Tagi-ons have their base of operations. It almost sounded like someone attempting to play an instrument, but who could be so bad?
Her Majesty the Borg Queen, Team Seven of Nine
It was revolting.
In reality, it sounded like a cat being tortured slowly. I do hope the Tagi-ons have not sunk to eating cats out of desperation to crave their hunger. I’d be more than willing to give them my leola root stew!
Playing the clarinet helps me relax, I think. It helps me become one with the universe. I feel so in control when I am playing it, so calm, like I have not a care in the world. I even almost forget about my plan of traveling back in time to kill the entire Voyager crew! Anyway, it also beats listening to Janeway drone on about how moralistic she is, or watching Chakotay paint on that tattoo-like drawing on his face every morning. That reminds me, has anyone else noticed that the sky is blue with purple swirls today? It’s really starting to piss me off! It’s all Janeway’s fault! I’ll have my revenge!
KES begins foaming at the mouth, and attacks the cameraman.
Cut to A deserted Voyager corridor. NAOMI and SEVEN are walking hand in hand when they happen across a hand-written note left in the middle of the walkway.
Music may soothe the savage beast,
But Kes’ is bad; it must be ceased.
So, when the sun next sinks into the east
We all will attend a music-less feast
Prepared so well by DQ native... but
You’ll wish your stomach were ablative
When you see how offensive, bad, and vile
The food that’s turned out by this imbecile.
Immunity awaits Seven’s new hive
Or Tagi-ons, should they indeed survive
And be the team left standing and looking
Upon digesting Neelix’s cooking.
The Mess Hall. Both Team Tagi-ons and Team Seven of Nine are assembled on opposite sides of a long table. The table contains plates at each setting, and each plate has a worm squirming around atop it.
The HOST waves his fingers in Seven’s face while making "Boooo!" noises.
The HOST does not stop. SEVEN opens her mouth and bites off an index finger.
TUVOK and VORIK each raise one eyebrow.
SEVEN inspects the worm.
SEVEN downs the worm.
JANEWAY eats the worm, then reaches over and eats CHAKOTAY’S and NEELIX’S worms as well.
WILDMAN jabs a fork down into SEVEN’s hand. SEVEN responds by injecting her assimilation tubules into WILDMAN’s neck. Security guards come out and break the two apart. Meanwhile, NAOMI quietly eats her worm.
B’ELANNA downs hers, although she obviously dislikes it.
BARCLAY looks at the worm worriedly, and gulps.
JANEWAY stands up.
JANEWAY takes WILDMAN under her arm and leads her out of the room, followed by the others.
SEVEN gets up and puts her hand around the host’s throat. She lifts him a foot up into the air by one arm.
SEVEN drops the SMARMY HOST onto the floor and sits back down.
Ten minutes later...
The SMARMY HOST opens the vote container and takes out a piece of paper, one by one, each paper having a name written on it— each person’s vote on who should be banished.
BARCLAY gulps.
SEVEN looks happy. The SMARMY HOST unfolds another paper.
BARCLAY begins to pray.
SEVEN is shocked out of her reverie. BARCLAY wipes his brow. VORIK nods in understanding.
NEELIX looks sad. SEVEN now looks incredibly mad.
BARCLAY stands up and hands it to the SMARMY HOST, who shatters it.
BARCLAY whimpers. The SMARMY HOST waves a hand and BARCLAY is beamed off Voyager. SEVEN and her team trek back up to their meeting place, and sit down, exhausted after having to climb up the Jefferies Tubes. SEVEN stands up and looks at the entire group.
The rest of Team Seven of Nine looks at her with horror as Seven’s eyes glow red ...
As the credits run, BARCLAY can be heard in a voice over as it is revealed who everyone voted for.
SEVEN and THE DOCTOR appear on screen, holding up papers with ‘Reg’ on them.
SESKA and NAOMI also hold up papers with ‘Reginald’ written on them.
WILL SEVEN OF NINE REGAIN CONTROL OF HER ENTIRE COLLECTIVE?
WILL JANEWAY EVER GET HER COFFEE? OR A MAN?
WILL SAMANTHA WILDMAN BE REPROGRAMMED AS A JAVA DRONE?
TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO... VOYAGER: SURVIVOR!
This page was last modified on Wednesday, January 26, 2011.