Voyager: Survivor, Episode 2
Written by Heiwa
Various people appear on screen, talking to the camera and to the audience, explaining the trials and tribulations they have faced. All of them are sitting on the holodeck in a jungle setting, for some odd reason.
Coffee and sex. I miss them so. You don’t know how bad it has been, going without coffee. Tom Paris has been giving me direct caffeine injections into my bloodstream, but I’m starting to build up a tolerance. I’m also without anyone to share myself. I simply cannot start a relationship with my first officer, it’s verboten! Besides, he’s a pagan, I’m an atheist, it would never work. Tuvok is my closest friend, and I could trust him with my luscious body... but he’s a married man. He won’t go for it. That leaves Tom Paris. Paris only thinks with the head below his waistline, unfortunately. Besides, we’ve already had sex and had baby salamander offspring together. I don’t recall him being all that great in bed. He hasn’t paid me any child support, either!
Team Seven of Nine
Ohh, it’s simply wonderful being out here on the frontier! I’ve gotten to premiere my leola root stew to a whole new group of people! I think it is well on its way to becoming a Delta Quadrant specialty, if I say so myself! I haven’t heard a single bad thing about leola roots yet!
Team Seven of Nine
I have urged everyone not to eat Mr. Neelix’s cooking. By the Hippocratic Oath, I was required to do so; doctors must do no harm. The Talaxian’s cooking is nearly lethal. Why does he not realize everyone hates leola root anything?
I really miss Naomi. I hope someone is taking care of her, like the Doctor.
Team Seven of Nine
My new mommy told me that if I ever mentioned my old mommy, that my nira— um, neurocircuitry and internal organs would all be ripped out. I dunno what a niracircuitry is, but I don’t think I want mine ripped out. My new mommy had this kind of mean look when she said it.
I am concerned about the captain. Earlier today she told me that the Prime Directive was something she had learned about in first grade. ‘Curious’, I said, ‘It is a complex topic to teach to such young children.’ ‘Nonsense, Tuvok’, she replied. ‘It is a simple problem of mathematics. The Prime Directive goes 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17 ... [TUVOK frowns deeply.] Her sexual frustration is at an all-time high, matched only by her insatiable thirst for coffee. I believe the combination has begun to addle her mind. It is likely she will make further bad decisions that will only further undermine the extreme lack of faith her crew has in her command ability.
No, of course we haven’t forgotten about Janeway’s actions getting us stranded in the Delta Quadrant for what could be the rest of our lives. But it was really important to cut the weakest links in the team, and they don’t come weaker than Harry Kim. I mean, come on, the clarinet? That is so fey...
I agree with Harry. The clarinet is indeed a very phallic instrument! I’ve been using the one he left behind as a vibr— uh, to teach myself music. Something to pass the time.
I was walking down the corridors with Seven of Nine yesterday, when we heard this strange, discordant sound coming from where Team Tagi-ons have their base of operations. It almost sounded like someone attempting to play an instrument, but who could be so bad?
SEVEN OF NINE
Her Majesty the Borg Queen, Team Seven of Nine
It was revolting.
In reality, it sounded like a cat being tortured slowly. I do hope the Tagi-ons have not sunk to eating cats out of desperation to crave their hunger. I’d be more than willing to give them my leola root stew!
Playing the clarinet helps me relax, I think. It helps me become one with the universe. I feel so in control when I am playing it, so calm, like I have not a care in the world. I even almost forget about my plan of traveling back in time to kill the entire Voyager crew! Anyway, it also beats listening to Janeway drone on about how moralistic she is, or watching Chakotay paint on that tattoo-like drawing on his face every morning. That reminds me, has anyone else noticed that the sky is blue with purple swirls today? It’s really starting to piss me off! It’s all Janeway’s fault! I’ll have my revenge!
KES begins foaming at the mouth, and attacks the cameraman.
Cut to A deserted Voyager corridor. NAOMI and SEVEN are walking hand in hand when they happen across a hand-written note left in the middle of the walkway.
NAOMI: Ooh, it must be our new challenge!
SEVEN: You will read it aloud, drone.
NAOMI: (clears her throat)
Music may soothe the savage beast,
But Kes’ is bad; it must be ceased.
So, when the sun next sinks into the east
We all will attend a music-less feast
Prepared so well by DQ native... but
You’ll wish your stomach were ablative
When you see how offensive, bad, and vile
The food that’s turned out by this imbecile.
Immunity awaits Seven’s new hive
Or Tagi-ons, should they indeed survive
And be the team left standing and looking
Upon digesting Neelix’s cooking.
SEVEN: (shocked) They wish to torture us!
The Mess Hall. Both Team Tagi-ons and Team Seven of Nine are assembled on opposite sides of a long table. The table contains plates at each setting, and each plate has a worm squirming around atop it.
SMARMY HOST: Greetings everyone! Welcome to the second team immunity challenge. The task here is simple: you must eat Neelix’s cooking. The first person to refuse to eat it, or who does not eat the entire portion, loses for their team. That team will have to face the Tribal Council on Deck Twelve! Ooh! Scary!
The HOST waves his fingers in Seven’s face while making "Boooo!" noises.
SEVEN: Stop that.
SMARMY HOST: But the Tribal Council is scaaaary! oooooooooh ...
SEVEN: Stop it at once.
The HOST does not stop. SEVEN opens her mouth and bites off an index finger.
SMARMY HOST: Ouch! You aren’t supposed to start eating yet! And you aren’t supposed to eat me!!
SEVEN: I was hungry. And what you were doing was annoying me.
SMARMY HOST: (wrapping a napkin around his finger stub) All right, let’s begin. Team Seven of Nine, I notice you are one team member short. Where is Joseph?
THE DOCTOR: Who?
SMARMY HOST: Joseph Carey, your teammate.
VORIK: He simply disappeared. There is no logical explanation.
TUVOK and VORIK each raise one eyebrow.
SESKA: You Vulcans are so weird ...
SMARMY HOST: All right, before the racial pejoratives begin en masse, let’s begin shall we? Seven, you are up first for your team.
SEVEN inspects the worm.
SEVEN: What is this?
NEELIX: Ahh! It’s a jubgrub worm, dipped in a wonderful leola root marinade!
KES: Your cooking has just broken new ground, Neelix.
NEELIX: Why thank you, sweeting!
KES: I didn’t say it was good ground.
SAMANTHA: I’d rather eat the ground than eat those disgusting things.
PARIS: Your cooking is grounds for people to kick you off Voyager: Survivor!
SMARMY HOST: Seven, you must eat the worm within 30 seconds or forfeit.
SEVEN: Very well. I will eat it, and I order everyone in my collective to eat it as well.
SEVEN downs the worm.
SMARMY HOST: Kathryn, you’re next.
JANEWAY: I— I can’t! It’s too disgusting!
PARIS: Captain, just think of it as a coffee worm!
JANEWAY: Did you say coffee?
JANEWAY eats the worm, then reaches over and eats CHAKOTAY’S and NEELIX’S worms as well.
SMARMY HOST: Stop that! Sheesh... all right, since Neelix’s has been eaten, Naomi, you are next.
SAMANTHA: Naomi, I don’t want you eating that thing! It’s unsafe!
NAOMI: Oh mom, it’s probably going to be the most decent meal I’ve had on this ship so far!
SEVEN: Naomi Wildman. You will comply with my instructions.
SAMANTHA: Hey, I’m her mother.
SEVEN: Were her mother.
JANEWAY: Are you sure I’m not her mother?
SAMANTHA: Listen, you blondie Borg bimbo, no one takes my kid away from me!
SEVEN: The transfer has been made. Naomi Wildman is part of my collective. You should assimilate this information and—
SAMANTHA: I’ll give you something to assimilate!
WILDMAN jabs a fork down into SEVEN’s hand. SEVEN responds by injecting her assimilation tubules into WILDMAN’s neck. Security guards come out and break the two apart. Meanwhile, NAOMI quietly eats her worm.
B’ELANNA: My god! Samantha, are you all right?
SAMANTHA: (sitting woodenly) Unit two-zero-five-four-seven is ready for programming.
SMARMY HOST: Naomi has eaten her worm. B’Elanna, you’re next.
B’ELANNA: I’ve eaten gagh, I can handle this!
B’ELANNA downs hers, although she obviously dislikes it.
SMARMY HOST: Reginald, it’s your turn.
BARCLAY looks at the worm worriedly, and gulps.
BARCLAY: I can’t— I can’t d-d-d-do it!
BARCLAY: I can’t! I’m s-sorry! When I was turned into a spider... ohh, the horrible memories! I can’t eat any more bugs! Please!
SMARMY HOST: Fifteen seconds.
BARCLAY: Can’t I compute a sp-spatial equation instead?
SMARMY HOST: Aww, time’s up! Reg has not eaten his worm. Team Tagi-ons win!
SESKA: Well, it was nice knowing you, Barclay. Have a safe trip off the ship.
JANEWAY stands up.
JANEWAY: Come on team, time to head home.
SAMANTHA: Unit two-zero-five-four-seven awaiting orders.
JANEWAY takes WILDMAN under her arm and leads her out of the room, followed by the others.
JANEWAY: (grins mischievously) You are a Java Drone. Your mission is to find sources of coffee for me...
SMARMY HOST: Welcome, everyone, to Tribal Council! This is the first time that Seven’s Collective has been to Tribal Council. Seven, how do you feel about it?
SEVEN: I will adapt.
SMARMY HOST: Naomi, how do you feel about seeing your real mother for the first time since you arrived on the island?
NAOMI: (a good actress) Uhh... Seven is my real mommy, what are you talking about?
SMARMY HOST: Oh ho ho! You are such a cute little moppet! No, I mean your real mother, Samantha Wildman.
SEVEN gets up and puts her hand around the host’s throat. She lifts him a foot up into the air by one arm.
SEVEN: Mention her name again and I will crush you!
THE DOCTOR: Seven. please put the host down, otherwise we can’t kick Mr. Barclay off the ship!
BARCLAY: Wh-what makes you th-th-think I’m going to be voted off?
SEVEN drops the SMARMY HOST onto the floor and sits back down.
THE DOCTOR: Gee, I don’t know. The fact that I have a brain?
SEVEN: Or perhaps the fact that I have ordered the entire Collective, including yourself, to vote you off?
NEELIX: Maybe, Mr. Barclay, it’s because you lost the challenge for us single-handedly!
VORIK: You are the logical choice to be kicked off.
SESKA: You don’t even belong on this ship!
NAOMI: And you’re balding! Eww!
THE DOCTOR: Hey!
SMARMY HOST: Yes, Reg ... what do you think about all of that? You did cause your team to lose the challenge. Why wouldn’t they vote you off?
BARCLAY: Um ... can I get back to you with a reason?
Ten minutes later...
SMARMY HOST: All right, it’s time to count the votes.
The SMARMY HOST opens the vote container and takes out a piece of paper, one by one, each paper having a name written on it— each person’s vote on who should be banished.
SMARMY HOST: The first vote is for... Reginald.
SMARMY HOST: Next vote... Reg.
SEVEN looks happy. The SMARMY HOST unfolds another paper.
SMARMY HOST: Reginald. That makes three votes for Reg.
SESKA: (whispers to BARCLAY) See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya ...
SMARMY HOST: A fourth vote for Reginald. That makes four.
BARCLAY begins to pray.
SMARMY HOST: Here we have one vote for... Seven of Nine?
SEVEN is shocked out of her reverie. BARCLAY wipes his brow. VORIK nods in understanding.
SMARMY HOST: And here’s a vote for Mr. Neelix.
NEELIX looks sad. SEVEN now looks incredibly mad.
SMARMY HOST: The rest of the votes do not matter, so I won’t read them. Reginald has four votes at least, along with Neelix’s one and Seven’s one vote. Regardless of the last two votes, Reginald has the most votes. Reg, please hand me your plasma torch.
BARCLAY stands up and hands it to the SMARMY HOST, who shatters it.
SMARMY HOST: Earlier, you mentioned preferring spatial equations to eating bugs.
BARCLAY: Yes, yes I do.
SMARMY HOST: Well, now you get your chance to become part of one. We’ve found you a nice black hole and we’re going to beam you into it. Before you are sucked in, you can attempt to decide the amount of gravity being exerted upon you before Barclay molecules cease to exist in this universe!
BARCLAY whimpers. The SMARMY HOST waves a hand and BARCLAY is beamed off Voyager. SEVEN and her team trek back up to their meeting place, and sit down, exhausted after having to climb up the Jefferies Tubes. SEVEN stands up and looks at the entire group.
SEVEN: All right. Which one of you sons of bitches voted for me?!
The rest of Team Seven of Nine looks at her with horror as Seven’s eyes glow red ...
As the credits run, BARCLAY can be heard in a voice over as it is revealed who everyone voted for.
BARCLAY: I’m sorry about not being able to eat the bug, but I just couldn’t—
SEVEN and THE DOCTOR appear on screen, holding up papers with ‘Reg’ on them.
BARCLAY: I tried to make them understand why, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
SESKA and NAOMI also hold up papers with ‘Reginald’ written on them.
BARCLAY: I had a lot of fun, and life inside a black hole won’t so bad, really. Deanna is always telling me to look at the bright side. I guess there’s not really a bright side in a black hole. Get it? No light can escape from a black hole. Ha ha. Oh well ...
WILL SEVEN OF NINE REGAIN CONTROL OF HER ENTIRE COLLECTIVE?
WILL JANEWAY EVER GET HER COFFEE? OR A MAN?
WILL SAMANTHA WILDMAN BE REPROGRAMMED AS A JAVA DRONE?
TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO... VOYAGER: SURVIVOR!