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Seven of Nine Tells a Bedtime Story

Written by Unknown

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!!

Seven: “You wish me to tell you a bedtime story?”

Baby Wildman: “Yeth!

Seven: (hesitantly) “I do recall a story I was told by the Borg after my parents were assimilated.....”


Once upon a time, as you say the story should begin, there were three minute Suidae-type species. I believe you call them “pigs.” Yes. Well, one day they left their mother’s domicile to build their own domiciles. Do not ask me why, this seems to be a trait of your species. The first pig was not very bright and foolishly build a domicile from a reed-type substance.

A large antisocial Lupine was in the area looking for food, and smelling the pig, knocked on the portal. He said. “Minute Pig, Minute Pig, I wish to enter your domicile.” The pig, looked out the window and saw the Lupine and shouted, “No, not by the hair follicles covering my chin!” And the Lupine became angry and threatened the pig. “Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated!” And he inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled with all his strength and blew the domicile down and assimilated the pig.

The second pig was a little more intelligent, but not that much. He built a domicile from a plant I believe you call a tree. Not much stronger than the substance the first pig used, I might add. The antisocial Lupine soon found this domicile too. He knocked on the portal and said, “Minute Pig, Minute Pig, I wish to enter your domicile!” And the Pig replied, “No! Not by the hair follicles covering my chin!” The Lupine again became angry and shouted, “Resistance is Futile! You will be assimilated!” So he inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled with all his strength and blew down this domicile and assimilated the second pig.

The third pig built his domicile out of an even harder material than the others. A masonry unit made of clay and shale called “bricks” that were held together by a hardening substance known as “cement.” The Lupine had walked the 20 kilometers from the last domicile until he came upon this domicile. He knocked on the portal and said, “Minute Pig, Minute Pig, I wish to enter your domicile!” The third pig cried out, “No, not by the hair follicles covering my chin!” So the Lupine inhaled and exhaled and inhaled and exhaled, but his usual method of tearing down the domiciles was futile. The Lupine, being Borg, called for the other pigs, now known as ‘1 of 3’ and ‘2 of 3’ to assist him. The two pig-Borg and the Lupine cut through the portal and entered the domicile. They found the last pig huddled in a corner and assimilated him. And they all beamed back up to the Borg cube, where they lived happily ever after in the Collective.

And the moral of the story is, “Resistance Is Futile!”

This page was last modified on Wednesday, January 26, 2011.