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Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Parody

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Author's Note: It is advisable that you view Star Trek VI: The Undisovered Country before reading this parody. I greatly welcome comments!

An explosion disrupts the peace of the cosmos. The shock wave shoots towards the USS Excelsior.

Sulu
Captain's Log, Stardate 5201.534. it has been 800 years and I am now master of this vessel.
Radio (Starfleet)
Sulu, let's cut the sarcasm. It wasn't that long of a wait.
Sulu
Be quiet, how can I speak with you blabbing all over the radio like this? I have important calls waiting. Besides, shouldn't you be off polishing the admirals' medals or something?

Sulu smashes the communications console.

Sulu
Computer, resume Captain's Log. We are cataloging Gashes Anomalies. I have court-martialed 200 people today. This is fun.

The shockwave slams into the Excelsior, thus shaking it out of control and sends Sulu flying into the ceiling.

Sulu
I feel great pain.

The shaking stops and the crew organizes itself.

Sulu
What is going on here? I feel awful. I— See a bright light. I..... I'm dying. Goodbye, my friends. You're the only memory I have of the Bridge. Tell the crew I died in peace.
Lt. Rand
Captain! Your face is smashed into the lights.

Sulu gets his faced out of the light and straightens himself out, he is still dazed.

Sulu
What was that?
Science Officer
It was Praxis, sir.
Sulu
I knew that.

He points at Lt. Janice Rand.

Sulu
Who is she?
Science Officer
It's Janice Rand, our Comm Officer.
Sulu
Lies. Take her away. Why is the Bridge in shambles? What's going on?
Science Officer
Praxis exploded. It appears that they have been smoking too much. They blew up.
Sulu
Blast, I knew I shouldn't have told the president to send them a box of those exploding cigars.
Science Officer
Do we report this, sir?
Sulu
Report what?
Science Officer
The explosion of Praxis!
Sulu
It exploded!? We better report it...

In a briefing room on Earth, Kirk, Scotty, McCoy, and Uhura just walked in...

Kirk
What are we doing here?
McCoy
I'm supposed to be performing brain surgery on the President.
Uhura
I'm supposed to be chairing a seminar at the Academy.
Kirk
Your probably the only one glad to be here. Where's Spock?
Scotty
Probably dead again. Whose turn is it for the katra?

Kirk slaps Scotty.

Kirk
Death is no laughing matter, Scotty. Now, let's get out of here.

Kirk and company start to leave.

Security officer
Do not leave this meeting until it has been adjourned.
Kirk
I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers. Give me some respect.
Security officer
I'm sorry, old man. Sitdownnow!
Kirk
Oh fine.

Kirk and company sit down.

Spokesperson
Ladies, Gentlemen, scum...
Kirk
You don't have to insult me.
Lady
Uh.. Stand for the CinC!

All the people stand in respect for the head honcho.

CinC
Eight years ago, Praxis exploded because the President sent them a box of exploding cigars as a joke. This information is rather out of date since Captain Sulu didn't report it until a couple of days ago in a meeting with the President. I will now give the floor or podium or whatever to the Federation's special envoy.

Spock starts to walk up to the podium.

Kirk
Spock! Sit down, don't embarrass us like this.

Kirk grabs Spock.

Spock
Unhand me, Captain, or I will kill you.
Kirk
Spock!
Spock
It is a joke. Get it? A story with a humorous climax!
Kirk
Never mind, Spock. I think you've embarrassed us as much as you can.

Spock walks to the podium.

Spock
Five minutes ago, I opened a dialogue with the Klingon ambassador.
Admiral Cartwright
Negotiations for what?
Spock
Admiral, you're getting ahead in the script. The ambassador and I started negotiations.
Admiral Cartwright
Negotiations for what?
Spock
The complete destruction of Earth and the rest of the Solar System.
Admiral #2
Are we talking about mothballing Starfleet?
Spock
No, Complete annihilation, to be precise.
Cartwright
I have good question. Why?
Spock
Because they want us to be just as hopeless and hapless as they are.
Cartwright
That's what they want us to think!!!!!!! Now is our chance to kill them!!! Kill kill kill!
Spock
I told the Klingon ambassador that.
Cartwright
Really? What did he say?
Spock
He used words I am not familiar with. I think they were something close to, "You stupid son of a b—”
Cartwright
We get the picture. I think this is our chance to bring them to their knees. Kill them. Then we'll be in a far better position to dictate terms.
Spock
They will be dead, Admiral.
Cartwright
That's the kind of terms I want.
Spock
I do not think that is a competent idea. I told the ambassador that we should meet with Gorkon, the Chancellor of the Klingon Empire. We hope to have a peace treaty signed.
CinC
Captain Kirk, we have chosen you to escort Chancellor Gorkon here. Don't think of killing him like you did the Romulan Ambassador. ...That was a lucky guess. It won't get you out of court-martial this time.
Kirk
I'd...
CinC
Shut up, you're going whether you like it or not.
Spock
Do not worry, Captain. I informed the Chancellor you're an idiot.
Kirk
Thanks.
CinC
Very well, Kirk. Get ready to leave, this meeting is adjourned. And remember, it is classified.

The congregation leaves, only Spock and Kirk remain.

Kirk
We volunteered!???
Spock
That is incorrect, Captain, I volunteered you. We did nothing. You are a pawn in this much larger game. You are a nobody, nothing, zip, nada...
Kirk
Spock!!
Spock
Sorry, Captain. My human side was winning the constant battle over power in my body.
Kirk
Okay! Okay. It's just frustrating, Spock. How would you feel if I volunteered you to something you would hate doing?
Spock
That is irrelevant, Captain. Resistance is futile.
Kirk
I wanted to resist this mission with every last ounce of my strength. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than.... than help the Klingons.
Spock
Strength is irrelevant, death is irrelevant. You will take the mission, Captain.
Kirk
It seems I have no choice. Very well. I guess I can squeeze it in my schedule.

Onboard the Enterprise...

Valeris
Captain on the Bridge!
Kirk
Where? I thought I was the only Captain here?
McCoy
I think she meant you, Captain.
Kirk
Really? I guess I still have that spark that she, and about 2,000 other women, just kind of likes.
McCoy
Funny stuff that Romulan Ale will do to you.
Kirk
Captain's Log...
McCoy
You haven't done anything yet. You might want to wait until we leave spacedock.
Kirk
Of course. Just keeping you on your toes.

Kirk sits down in his trusty Captain's chair...

Kirk
Clear all moorings. Valeris, please exit the space dock at warp 9.6.
Valeris
Captain, may I remind you that Starfleet regulations require thrusters only while in spacedock?
McCoy
She's a Falcon, all right. I mean Vulcan. My hands are shaking. What's wrong with me!?
Kirk
Bones, pipe down.
McCoy
I was nervous!
Kirk
It's okay, Bones, you were nervous, that's fine. Boy oh boy, sometimes I wonder if I'm the only sane one around here. Bones doesn't make sense, Spock volunteers me everything, Valeris questions my orders...
Valeris
Captain?
Kirk
You heard me, Lieutenant, warp speed.
Valeris
Aye, sir.

The Enterprise goes into warp and explodes in a fiery crash when it impacts the spacedock doors!


Kirk
Captain's Log, after being issued a new ship after the old one blew up, we have finally made it out of spacedock, and are en route to rendezvous with the Klingon ship.

Kirk is in his quarters...

Kirk
I've never trusted Klingons, and I never will. I can never forgive them for... for... Damn it, it's been so long, I can't remember.

The door chime, chimes.

Kirk
Enter.

Valeris enters.

Kirk
You could have knocked.
Valeris
I guess I could have.
Kirk
You piloted well out of spacedock. Aside from the fact that the ship blew up.
Valeris
I always wanted to do that, sir. May I be candid, sir?
Kirk
Certainly, Lieutenant.
Valeris
It is an honor to serve with you, Sir.
Kirk
Thank you, Lieutenant. The feeling is mutual.
Valeris
Why, thank you, Captain.
Kirk
Oh, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about me.

In Spock's quarters, he and Valeris are discussing the mission and Spock's future. Spock appears to be performing a ritual with many candles and cups and assorted oddities. Spock acts as though nothing happened on the Bridge. Valeris is gazing at a painting.

Valeris
Why do you keep this representation in your quarters?
Spock
It is a reminder to me that all things come to an end.
Valeris
I do not understand, sir.
Spock
That painting cost me all of my father's inheritance as well as mine and my mother's.
Valeris
I come to you as a kindred intellect, sir.
Spock
Silence, child, you should not speak to me in that tone.
Valeris
I apologize, sir.
Spock
No need for apologies. I intend you to replace me.

He sniffs the liquid in his cup and gets dizzy and faints.

Valeris
I could only.... Replace.... You...... Sir.......

On the bridge...

Kirk
What is that?
Chekov
It is the Klingon ship.
Kirk
I see. Hail them.

Gorkon appears on the viewscreen.

Gorkon
We would be honored to accept your gracious invitation.
Kirk
What? We haven't invited you to anything. We've barely even spoken.
Gorkon
We haven't? Then who was I talking to for the past 2 minutes?
Kirk
I don't know. Boy, this Romulan Ale really gets around. Why don't you come over and dine with us? Before you die, I thought a nice meal would help.
Gorkon
Thank you. We will come over to your ship at 1300 hours.

The screen viewscreen fades out.

Chekov
Guess who's coming to dinner...
Kirk
Gorkon!!!

Kirk walks in the turbolift...


In the transporter room...

Scotty
The Klingons should be here at any minute.

The Klingons materialize.

Chancellor Gorkon
Greetings. May I present As It Bore, my daughter, my chief Chang, my military, Bob, and an idiot named Mac.
Kirk
Greetings.
Spock
We came to serve.
Kirk
We did? I mean, yes, of course we did. Now let's die— I mean dine. Heh heh, sorry about that.

At the eating table.

Chang
*&(*&%!
Gorkon
*#&%(*#%!
As It Bore
*%(&%##$#$!
Bob
@$$2!
Gorkon
@@$4%@#!
Uhura
What are they doing?
Scotty
Speaking in Klingon.
Kirk
Attention. A toast!

Everyone raises their glasses.

Kirk
To the Klingons and the Feds.
Bob
No, just the Klingons.
Scotty
No, the Feds.
Kirk
Shut up and drink your drink.
Gorkon
I feel sick.
Kirk
I spiked the drink. Do you have a problem with that?
Chancellor
Yes. *groan* I think I'll return to my ship, now.
Kirk
But what about the food!?
Chancellor
I think you may get it back.
Kirk
What about Shakespeare?
Chancellor
Tell him to take a rain check.

The Chancellor leaves.


In the transporter room the Klingon party is preparing to leave.

Kirk
Well, we must do this again sometime.
Chang
Parting is such sweet sorrow. Haven't we all—
Kirk
Shut up, Chang. I was talking to Gorkon.
Chancellor
Well. Let's go, ladies and gentlemen.

The group gets on the transporter and transports to the Klingon ship.

Kirk
Well, I'm glad that's over.
Scotty
I'm going to have to loosen my belt another notch. Aye! There are no left. What'll I do?
Kirk
Calm yourself, Scotty. We'll get you another belt.
Scotty
Aye.
McCoy
I'm going to find a pot of black coffee. I'm not sure what for, but what the hey.

Valeris walks in.

Valeris
You men have work.
McCoy/Checkov/Kirk/Scotty
Yes ma'am.
Valeris
Then snap to it.
Kirk
Why are we taking orders from her?
McCoy
I have no idea. She's losen it. Of course, so are we.

They walk out.

Intercom
Captain James Tiberius Kirk. Report to the Bridge.
Kirk
So that's what the "T" stands for! I never would have guessed.

On the Bridge, Spock is examine readings on one of the consoles, Chekov is miserable because of a headache, the rest are just sitting there. Then Kirk walks in.

Spock
Jim.
Kirk
Spock.
Spock
Jim.
Kirk
Spock.
Spock
Jim.
Kirk
What!?
Spock
I forgot.
Kirk
Oh my... Augh! Call me when you remember.
Spock
Wait! I remember. We are reading a neutron surge of unbelievable power emanating from us.
Kirk
Chekov, do you know anything about a neutron surge?
Chekov (rubs his throbbing head)
Only the size of my head.
Kirk
Do you think it could be him, Spock?
Spock
Doubtful. Chekov could not produce enough radiation to register on our sensors.
Kirk
You're right. Shields up, red alert. Course 399 mark 4 warp 9.
Chekov
Ve're leaving?
Kirk
Yes, this too risky. For all we know, there is a new Klingon Bird-of-Prey beneath us that can fire while cloaked. Too risky. Carry out my orders, Lt. Valeris.
Chekov
Valeris is not here.
Kirk
Dammit!! Belay my previous orders... We're not going to get outta this one, are we Spock?
Spock
No Captain, not this time.

A torpedo is fired at the Klingon ship.

Spock
We have fired at the Klingons.
Kirk
Evacuate. Self Distruct 000 destruct 0. Now!
Uhura
Captain! The Klingons are in trouble. Help them. Tell them something.
Kirk
Tell them that we did not fire that torpedo... We think. No... Tell them we're pretty sure we didn't fire that torpedo.
Uhura
They say they don't believe you!
Kirk
Then blow them to kingdom come.
Uhura
Captain! Listen to reason.
Kirk
Find who is firing those torpedoes! Scotty, did you do that!?
Scotty
Nye Captain!! According to inventory, were dead.
Kirk
Scotty!!! What the hell is the matter with you?
Scotty
It's getting hot! Radiation, augh!
Kirk
What? What's going on down there?! Scotty, are you drunk again? Sober up and report!
Scotty
According to my inventory, we are fully loaded. No torpedoes have been shot.
Kirk
Then who the hell fired that torpedo?
Uhura
Incoming message from the Klingon ship!
Chang
Have you a shred of decency in you, Kirk?
Kirk
No.
Chang
We come in peace and you blatantly defile that peace, and for that, I will blow you out of the stars.
Kirk
Did you write that out or did you make that up as you went?
Chang
I made it up as I went.
Kirk
You should join the Federation improvisation troupe.
Chang
Really?
Kirk
But I'm busy killing you, so we'll talk later.

Chang's image fades from the viewscreen.

Kirk
Uhura! I'm going over to the Klingon ship. Tell them that!!!!!!
Uhura
Aye aye.
McCoy
I'm coming along, they may need a doctor.
Kirk
No, we need you here to tend to our wounded.
McCoy
We don't have any wounded.
Kirk
You're right. Better come along.

Spock, uncharacteristically, slaps Kirk in the back (putting a patch on his back for detection).

Spock
Give it to em, Jimmy boy!
Kirk
*weez* Thanks Spock.

Kirk leaves the bridge and beams over to the Klingon ship.


Klingon Officer
Have you lost your mind?!?!?!
Kirk
Why do you ask? Did the transport cycle malfunction? I still appear to have my brain. We've come to help.
McCoy
I'm a doctor.
Klingon Officer
Yeah, and I'm a Klingon officer. ...That didn't come out how I wanted it.
Kirk
Take us to Chancellor Gorkon. We are here to help.
Klingon Officer
Follow me.

They take Kirk and McCoy to the room where Gorkon, obviously injured, is lying in his daughter's arms.

Kirk
Oh my...

McCoy runs over to the Gorkon's daughter and performs surgery on her.

McCoy
This is tricky... I don't think I can bring him out of it. Dammit, breathe!
Kirk
Bones! You're operating on Gorkon's daughter. Gorkon is dying!

McCoy rushes over to Gorkon.

McCoy
He's dead.
Kirk
Aren't you going to take a pulse?
McCoy
Nah, he's just as good as dead.
Chang
Kirk, this is your fault!
Kirk
Mine? But McCoy's the one who pronounced him dead!
Chang
I will prosecute you under section 37 sector 98 sub-sector C paragraph 89 of the "treaty" between our two peoples. I declare you under arrest for the murder of Chancellor Bruce Gorkon of the Klingon Empire.
Kirk
You can't do this. I have rights!
Chang
Don't make me use this.

Chang shows Kirk a pen.

Chang
Chilling, isn't it?
Kirk
That's, uh, a pen.
Chang
Blast, Krax, I thought I told you to put a gun in my holster? Nonetheless. You are under arrest!
Kirk
Oh, fudge.

Kirk is taken prisoner.


Onboard the Enterprise...

Uhura
Mr. Spock. The Captain and Dr. McCoy have been arrested.
Spock
Hopefully Dr. McCoy's malpractice insurance is in order. Uhura, inform our superiors of their capture.
Uhura
Yessir!

At Federation Headquarters, the President is very upset. His collegue Sarek is in the room for no reason.

President
What is it with Kirk? I give him a simple assignment and he goes around killing people.
Sarek
Mr. President, it has not been proven that Kirk killed Gorkon.
President
Oh, he killed him all right. He would kill my mother if he had the chance.
Sarek
Mr. President, your mother died 2 years ago. She died laughing when she was informed that you had become president.
President
I didn't think it was that funny. But you're right. Kirk wouldn't kill Klingons. I mean, hey, I've murdered a guy or two in my day, but the Klingon Chancellor, I don't think so. Kirk didn't do it. And no one can change my mind.
Com
Incoming message from As It Bore.

As It Bore appears on the viewscreen.

President
My sincerest apologies, madam. We both know that Kirk killed that bast— I mean, that great Chancellor Gorkon. I will not stop until he is severely punished.
As It Bore
He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon homeworld.
President
No! He is a citizen of the Federation, and I do not believe he committed these terrible crimes.
As It Bore
He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon homeworld.
President
I do not agree. He must come back.
As It Bore
He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon homeworld.
President
Is this a repeating message? It is. What gall! I bet that Klingon killed her father. She didn't shed a bloody tear. I knew it. I can tell these things..
Sarek
It's late. I think you need sleep, Mr. President.
President
I've never felt better. Ensign! Have Mr. Odo and George come in here. You see, Mr. Sarek. Odo and George have devised a plan to obtain the prisoners.

Odo and George walk in.

Odo
Mr. President, we have a plan so devious, we'll clean those Klingon chronometers.
President
I don't see how cleaning chronometers will help, but you must have a reason for it.
Odo
I've drawn a picture here and it shows where the hostages are located. We can get in and get out in less than 4 hours.
President
But what if you start a full-scale war?
Odo
We'll say it was all your idea.
President
Good. Excellent plan. I'm expendable. Wait! What am I saying? This is a plain awful plan.
George
Mr. President, these men have literally saved this planet.
President
How could they? They're on the Klingon homeworld!?
George
Mr. President, you are drunk.
President
You're right!!! I never would have guessed.

On the Klingon homeworld, Kirk and Dr. McCoy are on trial.

Chang (Prosecutor)
Dr. McCoy, how are you today?
McCoy
Not well. I have a headache.
Chang
I see. Did you kill Gorkon?
McCoy
No.
Chang
Blast, this is harder than I thought. Now... We come to the one who did this all, who murdered Gorkon brutally... James Tiberius Kirk.
Kirk
Boy, I'd hate to be that guy. —I am that guy! Yikes! Your Honor, I have to go to the lavatory.
Honor
You can levitate later. Continue, Chang.
Chang
Did you kill Gorkon?
Kirk
No.
Chang
Blast. Let me play this excerpt from your Captain's Log.
Log
We had a science survey of Terston 7. Its gaseous atmosphere induced a most enthralling plant effervescence I have ever observed. More later.
Chang
You see, that... Is the wrong log. Uh... play the right one, please.
Log
I've never trusted Klingons. I never will. I can never forgive them for. ...for.... Damn it. I can't remember, it's been so long.
Chang
You see!!!!! That thing you can't remember is the very basis for this brutal attack on Bruce Gorkon. This is all the evidence we need. I would also like to add, Captain Kirk's gratuitous use of profanity also increase whatever sentence he receives.
Honor
The verdict of this court to the defendant is guilty. You will be sentenced to Rura Penthe for a quite a while. So long.

On the Enterprise, the Bridge crew looks on in horror.

Uhura
Rura Penthe!!!
Chekov
Known throughout the galaxy as a bad place.
Scotty
Better kill them now and get it over with. Valeris, target the courtroom... Fire.
Spock
Belay that order. Let's release them from their penitentiary. Scotty, eject the warp core into space.
Scotty
What in the hell?
Spock
No, eject it into space, not hell. Then tell Starfleet Command that we are not functioning correctly. And are stranded.
Velaris
A lie?
Spock
No. We will genuinely be stranded.
Scotty
I denna knew if thet is a gewd idew.
Spock
Please remove the sponge from your mouth, Scotty. You are incoherent.
Scotty
I denna heve eny spoonges in me mooth.
Spock
Understood.
Scotty
Anyway, I denna think it's good idea to strand ourselves here. How will we get to the Captain?
Spock
I have not conceived that far into the future yet. I have plans to, though. In the meantime, Valeris, set a course for Rura Penthe. Uhura, inform Starfleet Command that we have no warp core and are drifting through space.
Valeris
A lie?
Spock
Conduct your terminal, Lieutenant. That is a mandate. If you state any more impertinent colloquy, then I will be duressed to incarcerate you to your berth. Is that understood?
Valeris
Yes, and no. Sir.

On the desolate prison asteroid Rura Pente. Kirk and McCoy and many other prisoners are led on this icy world to the entrance where the "jailer" comes out and stands on a box.

Jailer
This is the gurack Rura Penthe.
McCoy
Really? Well, I thought I was on Risa!!!! You purple-blooded son of a b—
Kirk
Bones! Sorry, sir. My friend here has hypothermia. He's usually not like this—
Jailer
Silence!! Here, if you work well, you will be treated bad; work not well, and you will be treated bad. If— Aieee!

The jailer loses his balance and falls off his box, rolls down the hill and off a cliff.

McCoy
Well, this is encouraging. I wish we never would of went over to that ship, Jim. What the hell were you thinking?
Kirk
Dunno. I guess it was that Romulan Ale. Makes me go beaming over to Klingon ships. Happened before, you know.

Inside the prison, Kirk and McCoy are warming up by a fire.

McCoy
Jim, your hands are in the fire!
Kirk
So what? You're sitting in the fire.
McCoy
Augh! I didn't even notice. It is freezing in here!

A big fat creature walks over and picks Kirk up.

Kirk
It's okay, I'm out of the fire!
McCoy
Jim! I think he's upset over something else.
Kirk
What do you want?

Martia, the shapeshifter, walks over to Kirk and the big fat creature.

Martia (To alien)
Krandoke!!
Kirk
No, my name is James Kirk.
Martia
Krandoke!!!!!!!
Kirk
Believe me, it is Kirk!
Martia
Fiuoyeragnidaersihtuoyevahoothcumemitnoruoysdnah!
Kirk
Uh, that is not my name either.

The monster drops Kirk.

Martia
Captain Kirk, my name is Martia.
Kirk
Hello, Martia, my name is Captain Kirk.
Martia
I know.
Kirk
How do you know that?
Martia
I am a shape-shifter.
Kirk
Ah, yes. That explains it all. What is your name, Martia?
Martia
Martia.
Kirk
Ah, Martia. I've heard of your kind, Changelings? I thought you were mythical.
Martia
Only as mythical as one of your ukuleles.
Kirk
You mean unicorn.
Martia
Yeah, I guess.
Kirk
Yeah, right. That's convincing.

A call is heard echoing the halls telling people to go to bed.


Kirk and McCoy are asleep in their cells. Martia crawls up on top of Kirk.

Kirk
Augh! A monster. Die you—
Martia
Kirk, it's me Martia.
Kirk
Oh. How's it going? What's your sign?
Martia
Kirk, do you want to get out of here?
Kirk
Sure, but you're on top of me, I can't move.
Martia
Do you want to leave this prison?
Kirk
Yeah, I guess.

Martia kisses Kirk passionately.

McCoy
Jim, what kind of creature is this?!?
Kirk
...I like it.

Martia releases Kirk and slithers away.


The next day, Martia leads Kirk and McCoy into a shaft for mining (and for escaping).

Martia
Here, take these.

She hands Kirk some equipment.

Kirk
What are we going to do? Milk a cow?
Martia
No, we will be mining. But since they don't take females there...

She turns into a hideous, slimy creature.

McCoy
Jim! Last night you were... With this!!!!
Kirk
Nooo!!!!!!!!!!! This can't be happening!
Martia
I am a shape-shifter, Kirk. I can be anything.
Kirk
*gulp* Last night seems rather disgusting now. I mean I've kissed almost 2,000 women, but this is...
Martia
We are coming to the mining level.

They get off the elevator and go into a secluded tunnel where Martia turns into a mouse.

Martia
Quick, go into this chasm.
Kirk
But it's 3 inches tall! How do you expect us to fit in there!?
Martia
Crap. I knew I forgot something.

Twelve hours later, Martia, Kirk, and McCoy find a vent that leads to the surface. They spend many hours and finally reach the icy surface.

McCoy
I can't go on... leave me.
Kirk
Well, if you think it's best...
McCoy
Jim! You're supposed to encourage me and tell me we're almost there!
Kirk
Almost where?
McCoy
Now that we're on the surface, what do we do?
Kirk
Oh yeah. Martia, now what?
Martia
I thought you had this figured out.
Kirk
I did!?? You're the one who wanted to leave. I had my whole retirement planned out down there. But no, you coul— Wait! Spock slapped a viridium patch on my back, and that means they can detect us two feet away!
McCoy
Astonishing!
Kirk
So if we can get out of this beaming shield, they can detect us!
McCoy/Martia
Excellent.

Onboard the Enterprise, Spock, Scotty, and Uhura are trying to devise a plan to cross the Klingon border.

Spock
Any ideas, ladies, gentleman?
Chekov
Vat if we try to distract them?
Spock
Excellent suggestion. Explain.
Chekov
If ve try using a phaser shot directed a—
Scotty
Aye, ladie ye are trying to do somethin to complicated. Take my advice beam the security post a bottle of Scotch. That'll knock em dead.

They all nod in agreement and beam a bottle over to the security post.


On the security post a group of Klingons find the bottle.

Klingon (K'TZ pronounce KITS)
Och, what is this... A bottle of scotch?
Klingon #2 (Drunk)
It's me mother and I'd appreciate it if ye didn't talk that way bout her.

He craddles his bottle in his arms and walks off.

Klingon #2 (Drunk)
It's okay mother. I'll take you too. Augh! Mother just shattered into a bunch of pieces. I—
K'TZ
Silence! That was a bottle of Human Scotch.

He dips his finger in it and samples it and is immediately drunken.

K'TZ
Hic, what happened? Why is my mother on the floor shattered into a bunch of pieces??!!

On the Bridge...

Spock
Excellent, it worked.

They successfully cross the border.


Meanwhilst, on the icy Rura Penthe... Kirk, McCoy, and Martia are journeying to their destination... which is somewhere... They have traveled far and have set up camp. Martia is lighting a flare.

Kirk
Where did you get the flare?
Martia
To show the forces coming towards us that we are here!
Kirk
Oh. I thought you might be turning us in... What!?
Martia
Bwahahaa!

Martia turns into Kirk for no apparent reason.

Martia's Kirk
Killed while trying to escape... that's good enough for both.
Kirk
Bones, what's with this? This isn't making sense. She forgot to shift her brain with her shape... So Martia, you traitor, it comes to us does it!?
Martia's Kirk
Your friends are late.
Kirk
I have no friends. You are smart, Martia, but careless and impatient.
Bones
Jim! Concentrate!
Kirk
Right! Come on. Give me your best shot.

WHAM!

Kirk
Oow! That was figuratively speaking.

WHAM!

Martia's Kirk
Come on, Jimmy boy!

They fight for a while, and then a hideous creature ridden by a Klingon points a gun at Kirk and Martia/Kirk.

Martia's Kirk
What took you so long!?
Klingon
No witnesses!
Kirk
Witnesses? What is this, court case? Sir, you are not making sense. Martia was trying to say something similar bu—
Klingon
Silence. I will kill you!
Kirk
Was it something I said?

He shoots Martia's Kirk.

Martia's Kirk
Nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Klingon
Now you, Jimmy.
Kirk
Wait! Can I have a drink of water?
Klingon
Very well.

He gives Kirk a glass of water.

Kirk
Thank you. Is this mountain spring water?
Klingon
Since you are going to die anyway, why not tell you? I—

Kirk beams away.

Kirk
No! Son of a b—

Kirk beams onto the transporter pad of the Enterprise, where Spock is smirking.

Kirk
Spock! Why the hell did you beam me back!? He was going to tell me whe—

Spock flips a few buttons, and Kirk is beamed back to the planet.

Kirk
Wait!!!!!!!!

Kirk is beamed back to the planet, then back to Enterprise.

Kirk
I'm glad to be back, really. It was cold down there.
Spock
Indeed it was.
Kirk
Did you receive my signal?
Spock
None that I could detect, Captain. Except, of course, happy birthday. Surely the best of times, of course.
Kirk
My birthday isn't for three more months.
Spock
Silence. You no longer outrank me, you bloated dunderhead.

Scotty walks in carrying Valeris.

Scotty
Look what I found killing crew members!
Spock
So it wasn't the leeches. Fascinating.
Kirk
Valeris!
Spock
Yes, she is a new recruit.
Kirk
Valeris!
Spock
That is her name, Captain.
Kirk
You traitor. Take her away.
Scotty
Aye captain. Incidentally, she fired the shot at the Klingon ship.
Kirk
I don't care, just take her away.
Spock
Whoever is behind these attacks will be attempting to assassinate someone else at the conference. We must make haste and reach that destination as quickly as possible.
Kirk
How did you know this?
Spock
I am not sure. I just know.
Kirk
Who am I to argue with a Vulcan? Bridge, set a course for the place that the conference is at.
Uhura
Aye, cap'n. But Captain, we don't know the location.
Kirk
Who cares, just take me to the conference.

At the peace conference, the entire Klingon audience has fallen asleep, for the President as drolled on, once again...

President
...And that reminds me of an interesting anecdote. Have you noticed that the skin of peach is rather coarse, not like leather mind you, but the skin is not, shall we say, smooth as silk. Well, to my anecdote, my great-granddaughter was eating her soup when...

A Klingon awakes and talks to Chang, next to him.

Sleepy Klingon
I've had it. Let's kill this windbag.
Chang
Agreed, I have people.
Sleepy Klingon
I have people too. Let's combine our peoples into one people and kill this long-winded person.
Chang
Precisely. I will go to my ship. I have an inkling that the Enterprise will come and stop us. They know the things we do before I do.

Chang gets out of his chair and leaves.


The Enterprise enters orbit.

Kirk
Prepare an away team.
Chang (on the Radio)
I can see you Kirk, can you see me?
Kirk
Yes, I can! Arm phasers!
Chang
Augh! Krax, engage the cloaking device! You morons! Can't you take an order?

They cloak.

Spock
They went off our scanners!
Kirk
Good, we must have hit them. Prepare an away team to go to the planet.

Chang, unable to stand being ignored, spontaneously combusts, thus ending his ship's existence as well as his own.


On the planet surface, the Klingons are about to kill the long-winded President.

President
Then after little Freddy spit out his soup, Sousie went over and hit—
Armed Klingon
So long, you long winded son of a—

Kirk beams down.

Kirk
Mr. President! Noooooo!!
President
But Sousie is—
Kirk
I'm trying to save you!!! Shut up before I shoot you!

Kirk shoots the armed and dangerous Klingons.

As It Bore
What's happening?! What's the meaning of all this!?
Kirk
It's about a bunch boring stuff. It'll take too long to explain.
As It Bore
You've restored my father's faith.
Kirk
And you've restored my son's.

Kirk, happy for the first time since his son was murdered by Klingons, beams back to the ship.


On the bridge...

Kirk
Well, once again we've saved Humanity as we know it. What fools we are.

Sulu appears on the screen.

Sulu
It is nice again to see you in action, Captain Kirk.
Kirk
Sulu! We haven't seen you in the entire script! Where have you been?
Sulu
That is none of your business, Captain. Let's just say we got lost, it was... was... Frank's fault.
Kirk
I don't want hear it. So long, Sulu. You've been a good friend.

Sulu's image fades from the viewscreen.

Chekov
Now there goes a big ship.
Scotty
But not as big as its captain.
Kirk
I noticed Sulu was putting on some weight.
Valeris
Course, Captain?
Kirk
Valeris? What are you doing here?
Valeris
I uh... Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut?! Argh!
Replacement for Valeris
Course, Captain?
Kirk
Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning.
Spock
Captain?
Kirk
Morons! Course 34 mark 10, engage at Warp 3. *sigh* That wasn't as poetic, but ah well...

The Enterprise traverses into the starry night.

Kirk (voiceover)
Once again, I, Captain Kirk, take pen in hand to say these final words. We, the crew of the Starship Enterprise, give over the stick to another crew. May they go in the ratings where no man... where no one has gone before.

The End

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.