Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Parody
Written by Stephen Millard
Author’s Note: It is advisable that you view Star Trek VI: The Undisovered Country before reading this parody. I greatly welcome comments!
An explosion disrupts the peace of the cosmos. The shock wave shoots towards the USS Excelsior.
Sulu: Captain’s Log, Stardate 5201.534. it has been 800 years and I am now master of this vessel.
Radio (Starfleet): Sulu, let’s cut the sarcasm. It wasn’t that long of a wait.
Sulu: Be quiet, how can I speak with you blabbing all over the radio like this? I have important calls waiting. Besides, shouldn’t you be off polishing the admirals’ medals or something?
Sulu smashes the communications console.
Sulu: Computer, resume Captain’s Log. We are cataloging Gashes Anomalies. I have court-martialed 200 people today. This is fun.
The shockwave slams into the Excelsior, thus shaking it out of control and sends Sulu flying into the ceiling.
Sulu: I feel great pain.
The shaking stops and the crew organizes itself.
Sulu: What is going on here? I feel awful. I— See a bright light. I..... I’m dying. Goodbye, my friends. You’re the only memory I have of the Bridge. Tell the crew I died in peace.
Lt. Rand: Captain! Your face is smashed into the lights.
Sulu gets his faced out of the light and straightens himself out, he is still dazed.
Sulu: What was that?
Science Officer: It was Praxis, sir.
Sulu: I knew that.
He points at Lt. Janice Rand.
Sulu: Who is she?
Science Officer: It’s Janice Rand, our Comm Officer.
Sulu: Lies. Take her away. Why is the Bridge in shambles? What’s going on?
Science Officer: Praxis exploded. It appears that they have been smoking too much. They blew up.
Sulu: Blast, I knew I shouldn’t have told the president to send them a box of those exploding cigars.
Science Officer: Do we report this, sir?
Sulu: Report what?
Science Officer: The explosion of Praxis!
Sulu: It exploded!? We better report it...
In a briefing room on Earth, Kirk, Scotty, McCoy, and Uhura just walked in...
Kirk: What are we doing here?
McCoy: I’m supposed to be performing brain surgery on the President.
Uhura: I’m supposed to be chairing a seminar at the Academy.
Kirk: Your probably the only one glad to be here. Where’s Spock?
Scotty: Probably dead again. Whose turn is it for the katra?
Kirk slaps Scotty.
Kirk: Death is no laughing matter, Scotty. Now, let’s get out of here.
Kirk and company start to leave.
Security officer: Do not leave this meeting until it has been adjourned.
Kirk: I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers. Give me some respect.
Security officer: I’m sorry, old man. Sitdownnow!
Kirk: Oh fine.
Kirk and company sit down.
Spokesperson: Ladies, Gentlemen, scum...
Kirk: You don’t have to insult me.
Lady: Uh.. Stand for the CinC!
All the people stand in respect for the head honcho.
CinC: Eight years ago, Praxis exploded because the President sent them a box of exploding cigars as a joke. This information is rather out of date since Captain Sulu didn’t report it until a couple of days ago in a meeting with the President. I will now give the floor or podium or whatever to the Federation’s special envoy.
Spock starts to walk up to the podium.
Kirk: Spock! Sit down, don’t embarrass us like this.
Kirk grabs Spock.
Spock: Unhand me, Captain, or I will kill you.
Spock: It is a joke. Get it? A story with a humorous climax!
Kirk: Never mind, Spock. I think you’ve embarrassed us as much as you can.
Spock walks to the podium.
Spock: Five minutes ago, I opened a dialogue with the Klingon ambassador.
Admiral Cartwright: Negotiations for what?
Spock: Admiral, you’re getting ahead in the script. The ambassador and I started negotiations.
Admiral Cartwright: Negotiations for what?
Spock: The complete destruction of Earth and the rest of the Solar System.
Admiral #2: Are we talking about mothballing Starfleet?
Spock: No, Complete annihilation, to be precise.
Cartwright: I have good question. Why?
Spock: Because they want us to be just as hopeless and hapless as they are.
Cartwright: That’s what they want us to think!!!!!!! Now is our chance to kill them!!! Kill kill kill!
Spock: I told the Klingon ambassador that.
Cartwright: Really? What did he say?
Spock: He used words I am not familiar with. I think they were something close to, "You stupid son of a b—”
Cartwright: We get the picture. I think this is our chance to bring them to their knees. Kill them. Then we’ll be in a far better position to dictate terms.
Spock: They will be dead, Admiral.
Cartwright: That’s the kind of terms I want.
Spock: I do not think that is a competent idea. I told the ambassador that we should meet with Gorkon, the Chancellor of the Klingon Empire. We hope to have a peace treaty signed.
CinC: Captain Kirk, we have chosen you to escort Chancellor Gorkon here. Don’t think of killing him like you did the Romulan Ambassador. ...That was a lucky guess. It won’t get you out of court-martial this time.
CinC: Shut up, you’re going whether you like it or not.
Spock: Do not worry, Captain. I informed the Chancellor you’re an idiot.
CinC: Very well, Kirk. Get ready to leave, this meeting is adjourned. And remember, it is classified.
The congregation leaves, only Spock and Kirk remain.
Kirk: We volunteered!???
Spock: That is incorrect, Captain, I volunteered you. We did nothing. You are a pawn in this much larger game. You are a nobody, nothing, zip, nada...
Spock: Sorry, Captain. My human side was winning the constant battle over power in my body.
Kirk: Okay! Okay. It’s just frustrating, Spock. How would you feel if I volunteered you to something you would hate doing?
Spock: That is irrelevant, Captain. Resistance is futile.
Kirk: I wanted to resist this mission with every last ounce of my strength. Sometimes I think I’d rather die than.... than help the Klingons.
Spock: Strength is irrelevant, death is irrelevant. You will take the mission, Captain.
Kirk: It seems I have no choice. Very well. I guess I can squeeze it in my schedule.
Onboard the Enterprise...
Valeris: Captain on the Bridge!
Kirk: Where? I thought I was the only Captain here?
McCoy: I think she meant you, Captain.
Kirk: Really? I guess I still have that spark that she, and about 2,000 other women, just kind of likes.
McCoy: Funny stuff that Romulan Ale will do to you.
Kirk: Captain’s Log...
McCoy: You haven’t done anything yet. You might want to wait until we leave spacedock.
Kirk: Of course. Just keeping you on your toes.
Kirk sits down in his trusty Captain’s chair...
Kirk: Clear all moorings. Valeris, please exit the space dock at warp 9.6.
Valeris: Captain, may I remind you that Starfleet regulations require thrusters only while in spacedock?
McCoy: She’s a Falcon, all right. I mean Vulcan. My hands are shaking. What’s wrong with me!?
Kirk: Bones, pipe down.
McCoy: I was nervous!
Kirk: It’s okay, Bones, you were nervous, that’s fine. Boy oh boy, sometimes I wonder if I’m the only sane one around here. Bones doesn’t make sense, Spock volunteers me everything, Valeris questions my orders...
Kirk: You heard me, Lieutenant, warp speed.
Valeris: Aye, sir.
The Enterprise goes into warp and explodes in a fiery crash when it impacts the spacedock doors!
Kirk: Captain’s Log, after being issued a new ship after the old one blew up, we have finally made it out of spacedock, and are en route to rendezvous with the Klingon ship.
Kirk is in his quarters...
Kirk: I’ve never trusted Klingons, and I never will. I can never forgive them for... for... Damn it, it’s been so long, I can’t remember.
The door chime, chimes.
Kirk: You could have knocked.
Valeris: I guess I could have.
Kirk: You piloted well out of spacedock. Aside from the fact that the ship blew up.
Valeris: I always wanted to do that, sir. May I be candid, sir?
Kirk: Certainly, Lieutenant.
Valeris: It is an honor to serve with you, Sir.
Kirk: Thank you, Lieutenant. The feeling is mutual.
Valeris: Why, thank you, Captain.
Kirk: Oh, I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about me.
In Spock’s quarters, he and Valeris are discussing the mission and Spock’s future. Spock appears to be performing a ritual with many candles and cups and assorted oddities. Spock acts as though nothing happened on the Bridge. Valeris is gazing at a painting.
Valeris: Why do you keep this representation in your quarters?
Spock: It is a reminder to me that all things come to an end.
Valeris: I do not understand, sir.
Spock: That painting cost me all of my father’s inheritance as well as mine and my mother’s.
Valeris: I come to you as a kindred intellect, sir.
Spock: Silence, child, you should not speak to me in that tone.
Valeris: I apologize, sir.
Spock: No need for apologies. I intend you to replace me.
He sniffs the liquid in his cup and gets dizzy and faints.
Valeris: I could only.... Replace.... You...... Sir.......
On the bridge...
Kirk: What is that?
Chekov: It is the Klingon ship.
Kirk: I see. Hail them.
Gorkon appears on the viewscreen.
Gorkon: We would be honored to accept your gracious invitation.
Kirk: What? We haven’t invited you to anything. We’ve barely even spoken.
Gorkon: We haven’t? Then who was I talking to for the past 2 minutes?
Kirk: I don’t know. Boy, this Romulan Ale really gets around. Why don’t you come over and dine with us? Before you die, I thought a nice meal would help.
Gorkon: Thank you. We will come over to your ship at 1300 hours.
The screen viewscreen fades out.
Chekov: Guess who’s coming to dinner...
Kirk walks in the turbolift...
In the transporter room...
Scotty: The Klingons should be here at any minute.
The Klingons materialize.
Chancellor Gorkon: Greetings. May I present As It Bore, my daughter, my chief Chang, my military, Bob, and an idiot named Mac.
Spock: We came to serve.
Kirk: We did? I mean, yes, of course we did. Now let’s die— I mean dine. Heh heh, sorry about that.
At the eating table.
As It Bore: *%(&%##$#$!
Uhura: What are they doing?
Scotty: Speaking in Klingon.
Kirk: Attention. A toast!
Everyone raises their glasses.
Kirk: To the Klingons and the Feds.
Bob: No, just the Klingons.
Scotty: No, the Feds.
Kirk: Shut up and drink your drink.
Gorkon: I feel sick.
Kirk: I spiked the drink. Do you have a problem with that?
Chancellor: Yes. *groan* I think I’ll return to my ship, now.
Kirk: But what about the food!?
Chancellor: I think you may get it back.
Kirk: What about Shakespeare?
Chancellor: Tell him to take a rain check.
The Chancellor leaves.
In the transporter room the Klingon party is preparing to leave.
Kirk: Well, we must do this again sometime.
Chang: Parting is such sweet sorrow. Haven’t we all—
Kirk: Shut up, Chang. I was talking to Gorkon.
Chancellor: Well. Let’s go, ladies and gentlemen.
The group gets on the transporter and transports to the Klingon ship.
Kirk: Well, I’m glad that’s over.
Scotty: I’m going to have to loosen my belt another notch. Aye! There are no left. What’ll I do?
Kirk: Calm yourself, Scotty. We’ll get you another belt.
McCoy: I’m going to find a pot of black coffee. I’m not sure what for, but what the hey.
Valeris walks in.
Valeris: You men have work.
McCoy/Checkov/Kirk/Scotty: Yes ma’am.
Valeris: Then snap to it.
Kirk: Why are we taking orders from her?
McCoy: I have no idea. She’s losen it. Of course, so are we.
They walk out.
Intercom: Captain James Tiberius Kirk. Report to the Bridge.
Kirk: So that’s what the "T" stands for! I never would have guessed.
On the Bridge, Spock is examine readings on one of the consoles, Chekov is miserable because of a headache, the rest are just sitting there. Then Kirk walks in.
Spock: I forgot.
Kirk: Oh my... Augh! Call me when you remember.
Spock: Wait! I remember. We are reading a neutron surge of unbelievable power emanating from us.
Kirk: Chekov, do you know anything about a neutron surge?
Chekov (rubs his throbbing head): Only the size of my head.
Kirk: Do you think it could be him, Spock?
Spock: Doubtful. Chekov could not produce enough radiation to register on our sensors.
Kirk: You’re right. Shields up, red alert. Course 399 mark 4 warp 9.
Chekov: Ve’re leaving?
Kirk: Yes, this too risky. For all we know, there is a new Klingon Bird-of-Prey beneath us that can fire while cloaked. Too risky. Carry out my orders, Lt. Valeris.
Chekov: Valeris is not here.
Kirk: Dammit!! Belay my previous orders... We’re not going to get outta this one, are we Spock?
Spock: No Captain, not this time.
A torpedo is fired at the Klingon ship.
Spock: We have fired at the Klingons.
Kirk: Evacuate. Self Distruct 000 destruct 0. Now!
Uhura: Captain! The Klingons are in trouble. Help them. Tell them something.
Kirk: Tell them that we did not fire that torpedo... We think. No... Tell them we’re pretty sure we didn’t fire that torpedo.
Uhura: They say they don’t believe you!
Kirk: Then blow them to kingdom come.
Uhura: Captain! Listen to reason.
Kirk: Find who is firing those torpedoes! Scotty, did you do that!?
Scotty: Nye Captain!! According to inventory, were dead.
Kirk: Scotty!!! What the hell is the matter with you?
Scotty: It’s getting hot! Radiation, augh!
Kirk: What? What’s going on down there?! Scotty, are you drunk again? Sober up and report!
Scotty: According to my inventory, we are fully loaded. No torpedoes have been shot.
Kirk: Then who the hell fired that torpedo?
Uhura: Incoming message from the Klingon ship!
Chang: Have you a shred of decency in you, Kirk?
Chang: We come in peace and you blatantly defile that peace, and for that, I will blow you out of the stars.
Kirk: Did you write that out or did you make that up as you went?
Chang: I made it up as I went.
Kirk: You should join the Federation improvisation troupe.
Kirk: But I’m busy killing you, so we’ll talk later.
Chang’s image fades from the viewscreen.
Kirk: Uhura! I’m going over to the Klingon ship. Tell them that!!!!!!
Uhura: Aye aye.
McCoy: I’m coming along, they may need a doctor.
Kirk: No, we need you here to tend to our wounded.
McCoy: We don’t have any wounded.
Kirk: You’re right. Better come along.
Spock, uncharacteristically, slaps Kirk in the back (putting a patch on his back for detection).
Spock: Give it to em, Jimmy boy!
Kirk: *weez* Thanks Spock.
Kirk leaves the bridge and beams over to the Klingon ship.
Klingon Officer: Have you lost your mind?!?!?!
Kirk: Why do you ask? Did the transport cycle malfunction? I still appear to have my brain. We’ve come to help.
McCoy: I’m a doctor.
Klingon Officer: Yeah, and I’m a Klingon officer. ...That didn’t come out how I wanted it.
Kirk: Take us to Chancellor Gorkon. We are here to help.
Klingon Officer: Follow me.
They take Kirk and McCoy to the room where Gorkon, obviously injured, is lying in his daughter’s arms.
Kirk: Oh my...
McCoy runs over to the Gorkon’s daughter and performs surgery on her.
McCoy: This is tricky... I don’t think I can bring him out of it. Dammit, breathe!
Kirk: Bones! You’re operating on Gorkon’s daughter. Gorkon is dying!
McCoy rushes over to Gorkon.
McCoy: He’s dead.
Kirk: Aren’t you going to take a pulse?
McCoy: Nah, he’s just as good as dead.
Chang: Kirk, this is your fault!
Kirk: Mine? But McCoy’s the one who pronounced him dead!
Chang: I will prosecute you under section 37 sector 98 sub-sector C paragraph 89 of the "treaty" between our two peoples. I declare you under arrest for the murder of Chancellor Bruce Gorkon of the Klingon Empire.
Kirk: You can’t do this. I have rights!
Chang: Don’t make me use this.
Chang shows Kirk a pen.
Chang: Chilling, isn’t it?
Kirk: That’s, uh, a pen.
Chang: Blast, Krax, I thought I told you to put a gun in my holster? Nonetheless. You are under arrest!
Kirk: Oh, fudge.
Kirk is taken prisoner.
Onboard the Enterprise...
Uhura: Mr. Spock. The Captain and Dr. McCoy have been arrested.
Spock: Hopefully Dr. McCoy’s malpractice insurance is in order. Uhura, inform our superiors of their capture.
At Federation Headquarters, the President is very upset. His collegue Sarek is in the room for no reason.
President: What is it with Kirk? I give him a simple assignment and he goes around killing people.
Sarek: Mr. President, it has not been proven that Kirk killed Gorkon.
President: Oh, he killed him all right. He would kill my mother if he had the chance.
Sarek: Mr. President, your mother died 2 years ago. She died laughing when she was informed that you had become president.
President: I didn’t think it was that funny. But you’re right. Kirk wouldn’t kill Klingons. I mean, hey, I’ve murdered a guy or two in my day, but the Klingon Chancellor, I don’t think so. Kirk didn’t do it. And no one can change my mind.
Com: Incoming message from As It Bore.
As It Bore appears on the viewscreen.
President: My sincerest apologies, madam. We both know that Kirk killed that bast— I mean, that great Chancellor Gorkon. I will not stop until he is severely punished.
As It Bore: He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon homeworld.
President: No! He is a citizen of the Federation, and I do not believe he committed these terrible crimes.
As It Bore: He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon homeworld.
President: I do not agree. He must come back.
As It Bore: He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon homeworld.
President: Is this a repeating message? It is. What gall! I bet that Klingon killed her father. She didn’t shed a bloody tear. I knew it. I can tell these things..
Sarek: It’s late. I think you need sleep, Mr. President.
President: I’ve never felt better. Ensign! Have Mr. Odo and George come in here. You see, Mr. Sarek. Odo and George have devised a plan to obtain the prisoners.
Odo and George walk in.
Odo: Mr. President, we have a plan so devious, we’ll clean those Klingon chronometers.
President: I don’t see how cleaning chronometers will help, but you must have a reason for it.
Odo: I’ve drawn a picture here and it shows where the hostages are located. We can get in and get out in less than 4 hours.
President: But what if you start a full-scale war?
Odo: We’ll say it was all your idea.
President: Good. Excellent plan. I’m expendable. Wait! What am I saying? This is a plain awful plan.
George: Mr. President, these men have literally saved this planet.
President: How could they? They’re on the Klingon homeworld!?
George: Mr. President, you are drunk.
President: You’re right!!! I never would have guessed.
On the Klingon homeworld, Kirk and Dr. McCoy are on trial.
Chang (Prosecutor): Dr. McCoy, how are you today?
McCoy: Not well. I have a headache.
Chang: I see. Did you kill Gorkon?
Chang: Blast, this is harder than I thought. Now... We come to the one who did this all, who murdered Gorkon brutally... James Tiberius Kirk.
Kirk: Boy, I’d hate to be that guy. —I am that guy! Yikes! Your Honor, I have to go to the lavatory.
Honor: You can levitate later. Continue, Chang.
Chang: Did you kill Gorkon?
Chang: Blast. Let me play this excerpt from your Captain’s Log.
Log: We had a science survey of Terston 7. Its gaseous atmosphere induced a most enthralling plant effervescence I have ever observed. More later.
Chang: You see, that... Is the wrong log. Uh... play the right one, please.
Log: I’ve never trusted Klingons. I never will. I can never forgive them for. ...for.... Damn it. I can’t remember, it’s been so long.
Chang: You see!!!!! That thing you can’t remember is the very basis for this brutal attack on Bruce Gorkon. This is all the evidence we need. I would also like to add, Captain Kirk’s gratuitous use of profanity also increase whatever sentence he receives.
Honor: The verdict of this court to the defendant is guilty. You will be sentenced to Rura Penthe for a quite a while. So long.
On the Enterprise, the Bridge crew looks on in horror.
Uhura: Rura Penthe!!!
Chekov: Known throughout the galaxy as a bad place.
Scotty: Better kill them now and get it over with. Valeris, target the courtroom... Fire.
Spock: Belay that order. Let’s release them from their penitentiary. Scotty, eject the warp core into space.
Scotty: What in the hell?
Spock: No, eject it into space, not hell. Then tell Starfleet Command that we are not functioning correctly. And are stranded.
Velaris: A lie?
Spock: No. We will genuinely be stranded.
Scotty: I denna knew if thet is a gewd idew.
Spock: Please remove the sponge from your mouth, Scotty. You are incoherent.
Scotty: I denna heve eny spoonges in me mooth.
Scotty: Anyway, I denna think it’s good idea to strand ourselves here. How will we get to the Captain?
Spock: I have not conceived that far into the future yet. I have plans to, though. In the meantime, Valeris, set a course for Rura Penthe. Uhura, inform Starfleet Command that we have no warp core and are drifting through space.
Valeris: A lie?
Spock: Conduct your terminal, Lieutenant. That is a mandate. If you state any more impertinent colloquy, then I will be duressed to incarcerate you to your berth. Is that understood?
Valeris: Yes, and no. Sir.
On the desolate prison asteroid Rura Pente. Kirk and McCoy and many other prisoners are led on this icy world to the entrance where the "jailer" comes out and stands on a box.
Jailer: This is the gurack Rura Penthe.
McCoy: Really? Well, I thought I was on Risa!!!! You purple-blooded son of a b—
Kirk: Bones! Sorry, sir. My friend here has hypothermia. He’s usually not like this—
Jailer: Silence!! Here, if you work well, you will be treated bad; work not well, and you will be treated bad. If— Aieee!
The jailer loses his balance and falls off his box, rolls down the hill and off a cliff.
McCoy: Well, this is encouraging. I wish we never would of went over to that ship, Jim. What the hell were you thinking?
Kirk: Dunno. I guess it was that Romulan Ale. Makes me go beaming over to Klingon ships. Happened before, you know.
Inside the prison, Kirk and McCoy are warming up by a fire.
McCoy: Jim, your hands are in the fire!
Kirk: So what? You’re sitting in the fire.
McCoy: Augh! I didn’t even notice. It is freezing in here!
A big fat creature walks over and picks Kirk up.
Kirk: It’s okay, I’m out of the fire!
McCoy: Jim! I think he’s upset over something else.
Kirk: What do you want?
Martia, the shapeshifter, walks over to Kirk and the big fat creature.
Martia (To alien): Krandoke!!
Kirk: No, my name is James Kirk.
Kirk: Believe me, it is Kirk!
Kirk: Uh, that is not my name either.
The monster drops Kirk.
Martia: Captain Kirk, my name is Martia.
Kirk: Hello, Martia, my name is Captain Kirk.
Martia: I know.
Kirk: How do you know that?
Martia: I am a shape-shifter.
Kirk: Ah, yes. That explains it all. What is your name, Martia?
Kirk: Ah, Martia. I’ve heard of your kind, Changelings? I thought you were mythical.
Martia: Only as mythical as one of your ukuleles.
Kirk: You mean unicorn.
Martia: Yeah, I guess.
Kirk: Yeah, right. That’s convincing.
A call is heard echoing the halls telling people to go to bed.
Kirk and McCoy are asleep in their cells. Martia crawls up on top of Kirk.
Kirk: Augh! A monster. Die you—
Martia: Kirk, it’s me Martia.
Kirk: Oh. How’s it going? What’s your sign?
Martia: Kirk, do you want to get out of here?
Kirk: Sure, but you’re on top of me, I can’t move.
Martia: Do you want to leave this prison?
Kirk: Yeah, I guess.
Martia kisses Kirk passionately.
McCoy: Jim, what kind of creature is this?!?
Kirk: ...I like it.
Martia releases Kirk and slithers away.
The next day, Martia leads Kirk and McCoy into a shaft for mining (and for escaping).
Martia: Here, take these.
She hands Kirk some equipment.
Kirk: What are we going to do? Milk a cow?
Martia: No, we will be mining. But since they don’t take females there...
She turns into a hideous, slimy creature.
McCoy: Jim! Last night you were... With this!!!!
Kirk: Nooo!!!!!!!!!!! This can’t be happening!
Martia: I am a shape-shifter, Kirk. I can be anything.
Kirk: *gulp* Last night seems rather disgusting now. I mean I’ve kissed almost 2,000 women, but this is...
Martia: We are coming to the mining level.
They get off the elevator and go into a secluded tunnel where Martia turns into a mouse.
Martia: Quick, go into this chasm.
Kirk: But it’s 3 inches tall! How do you expect us to fit in there!?
Martia: Crap. I knew I forgot something.
Twelve hours later, Martia, Kirk, and McCoy find a vent that leads to the surface. They spend many hours and finally reach the icy surface.
McCoy: I can’t go on... leave me.
Kirk: Well, if you think it’s best...
McCoy: Jim! You’re supposed to encourage me and tell me we’re almost there!
Kirk: Almost where?
McCoy: Now that we’re on the surface, what do we do?
Kirk: Oh yeah. Martia, now what?
Martia: I thought you had this figured out.
Kirk: I did!?? You’re the one who wanted to leave. I had my whole retirement planned out down there. But no, you coul— Wait! Spock slapped a viridium patch on my back, and that means they can detect us two feet away!
Kirk: So if we can get out of this beaming shield, they can detect us!
Onboard the Enterprise, Spock, Scotty, and Uhura are trying to devise a plan to cross the Klingon border.
Spock: Any ideas, ladies, gentleman?
Chekov: Vat if we try to distract them?
Spock: Excellent suggestion. Explain.
Chekov: If ve try using a phaser shot directed a—
Scotty: Aye, ladie ye are trying to do somethin to complicated. Take my advice beam the security post a bottle of Scotch. That’ll knock em dead.
They all nod in agreement and beam a bottle over to the security post.
On the security post a group of Klingons find the bottle.
Klingon (K’TZ pronounce KITS): Och, what is this... A bottle of scotch?
Klingon #2 (Drunk): It’s me mother and I’d appreciate it if ye didn’t talk that way bout her.
He craddles his bottle in his arms and walks off.
Klingon #2 (Drunk): It’s okay mother. I’ll take you too. Augh! Mother just shattered into a bunch of pieces. I—
K’TZ: Silence! That was a bottle of Human Scotch.
He dips his finger in it and samples it and is immediately drunken.
K’TZ: Hic, what happened? Why is my mother on the floor shattered into a bunch of pieces??!!
On the Bridge...
Spock: Excellent, it worked.
They successfully cross the border.
Meanwhilst, on the icy Rura Penthe... Kirk, McCoy, and Martia are journeying to their destination... which is somewhere... They have traveled far and have set up camp. Martia is lighting a flare.
Kirk: Where did you get the flare?
Martia: To show the forces coming towards us that we are here!
Kirk: Oh. I thought you might be turning us in... What!?
Martia turns into Kirk for no apparent reason.
Martia’s Kirk: Killed while trying to escape... that’s good enough for both.
Kirk: Bones, what’s with this? This isn’t making sense. She forgot to shift her brain with her shape... So Martia, you traitor, it comes to us does it!?
Martia’s Kirk: Your friends are late.
Kirk: I have no friends. You are smart, Martia, but careless and impatient.
Bones: Jim! Concentrate!
Kirk: Right! Come on. Give me your best shot.
Kirk: Oow! That was figuratively speaking.
Martia’s Kirk: Come on, Jimmy boy!
They fight for a while, and then a hideous creature ridden by a Klingon points a gun at Kirk and Martia/Kirk.
Martia’s Kirk: What took you so long!?
Klingon: No witnesses!
Kirk: Witnesses? What is this, court case? Sir, you are not making sense. Martia was trying to say something similar bu—
Klingon: Silence. I will kill you!
Kirk: Was it something I said?
He shoots Martia’s Kirk.
Martia’s Kirk: Nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Klingon: Now you, Jimmy.
Kirk: Wait! Can I have a drink of water?
Klingon: Very well.
He gives Kirk a glass of water.
Kirk: Thank you. Is this mountain spring water?
Klingon: Since you are going to die anyway, why not tell you? I—
Kirk beams away.
Kirk: No! Son of a b—
Kirk beams onto the transporter pad of the Enterprise, where Spock is smirking.
Kirk: Spock! Why the hell did you beam me back!? He was going to tell me whe—
Spock flips a few buttons, and Kirk is beamed back to the planet.
Kirk is beamed back to the planet, then back to Enterprise.
Kirk: I’m glad to be back, really. It was cold down there.
Spock: Indeed it was.
Kirk: Did you receive my signal?
Spock: None that I could detect, Captain. Except, of course, happy birthday. Surely the best of times, of course.
Kirk: My birthday isn’t for three more months.
Spock: Silence. You no longer outrank me, you bloated dunderhead.
Scotty walks in carrying Valeris.
Scotty: Look what I found killing crew members!
Spock: So it wasn’t the leeches. Fascinating.
Spock: Yes, she is a new recruit.
Spock: That is her name, Captain.
Kirk: You traitor. Take her away.
Scotty: Aye captain. Incidentally, she fired the shot at the Klingon ship.
Kirk: I don’t care, just take her away.
Spock: Whoever is behind these attacks will be attempting to assassinate someone else at the conference. We must make haste and reach that destination as quickly as possible.
Kirk: How did you know this?
Spock: I am not sure. I just know.
Kirk: Who am I to argue with a Vulcan? Bridge, set a course for the place that the conference is at.
Uhura: Aye, cap’n. But Captain, we don’t know the location.
Kirk: Who cares, just take me to the conference.
At the peace conference, the entire Klingon audience has fallen asleep, for the President as drolled on, once again...
President: ...And that reminds me of an interesting anecdote. Have you noticed that the skin of peach is rather coarse, not like leather mind you, but the skin is not, shall we say, smooth as silk. Well, to my anecdote, my great-granddaughter was eating her soup when...
A Klingon awakes and talks to Chang, next to him.
Sleepy Klingon: I’ve had it. Let’s kill this windbag.
Chang: Agreed, I have people.
Sleepy Klingon: I have people too. Let’s combine our peoples into one people and kill this long-winded person.
Chang: Precisely. I will go to my ship. I have an inkling that the Enterprise will come and stop us. They know the things we do before I do.
Chang gets out of his chair and leaves.
The Enterprise enters orbit.
Kirk: Prepare an away team.
Chang (on the Radio): I can see you Kirk, can you see me?
Kirk: Yes, I can! Arm phasers!
Chang: Augh! Krax, engage the cloaking device! You morons! Can’t you take an order?
Spock: They went off our scanners!
Kirk: Good, we must have hit them. Prepare an away team to go to the planet.
Chang, unable to stand being ignored, spontaneously combusts, thus ending his ship’s existence as well as his own.
On the planet surface, the Klingons are about to kill the long-winded President.
President: Then after little Freddy spit out his soup, Sousie went over and hit—
Armed Klingon: So long, you long winded son of a—
Kirk beams down.
Kirk: Mr. President! Noooooo!!
President: But Sousie is—
Kirk: I’m trying to save you!!! Shut up before I shoot you!
Kirk shoots the armed and dangerous Klingons.
As It Bore: What’s happening?! What’s the meaning of all this!?
Kirk: It’s about a bunch boring stuff. It’ll take too long to explain.
As It Bore: You’ve restored my father’s faith.
Kirk: And you’ve restored my son’s.
Kirk, happy for the first time since his son was murdered by Klingons, beams back to the ship.
On the bridge...
Kirk: Well, once again we’ve saved Humanity as we know it. What fools we are.
Sulu appears on the screen.
Sulu: It is nice again to see you in action, Captain Kirk.
Kirk: Sulu! We haven’t seen you in the entire script! Where have you been?
Sulu: That is none of your business, Captain. Let’s just say we got lost, it was... was... Frank’s fault.
Kirk: I don’t want hear it. So long, Sulu. You’ve been a good friend.
Sulu’s image fades from the viewscreen.
Chekov: Now there goes a big ship.
Scotty: But not as big as its captain.
Kirk: I noticed Sulu was putting on some weight.
Valeris: Course, Captain?
Kirk: Valeris? What are you doing here?
Valeris: I uh... Why couldn’t I have kept my mouth shut?! Argh!
Replacement for Valeris: Course, Captain?
Kirk: Second star to the right, and straight on ’til morning.
Kirk: Morons! Course 34 mark 10, engage at Warp 3. *sigh* That wasn’t as poetic, but ah well...
The Enterprise traverses into the starry night.
Kirk (voiceover): Once again, I, Captain Kirk, take pen in hand to say these final words. We, the crew of the Starship Enterprise, give over the stick to another crew. May they go in the ratings where no man... where no one has gone before.