The Weakest Link: The Voyager Edition

By Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published May 29, 2001

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!!

Since I adore both shows... And since I’m terribly, terribly bored at work today. Here comes Voyager’s The Weakest Link!

VOICE-OVER: One of these people could win one million dollars. But we’re going have to work as a team and then vote them off. Blah blah blah. As we play... The Weakest Link!!

B’ELANNA: I’m B’Elanna, Voyager’s chief engineer. Beautiful genius.

JANEWAY: I’m Janeway, Voyager’s captain. Don’t mess with me, Anne!

CHAKOTAY: I’m Chakotay, Voyager’s first officer. Please don’t vote me off right away.

TUVOK: I’m Tuvok, Voyager’s tactical officer. And these other people are toast.

NEELIX: I’m Neelix, Voyager’s chef and morale officer. I often make these people toast.

SEVEN: I’m Seven, Voyager’s... Whatever it is I do. I sleep with this show’s producer, too.

HOST: Good luck, everybody. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST: B’Elanna, what is the square root of 120,409?

B’ELANNA: 347.

HOST: Correct! Janeway, who was the third President of the United States?

JANEWAY: I don’t respond well to history questions...

HOST: Wrong! Chakotay, how do you spell dog?

CHAKOTAY: Um... Er... “D”... No, that’s not right. Pass!

HOST: Wrong! Tuvok, who coined the phrase “the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few”?

TUVOK: Ambassador Spock.

HOST: Correct! Neelix, who invented the leola root?

NEELIX: Mr. Leola?

HOST: I’ll accept that. Seven, who was the first man to walk on the moon?

SEVEN: Brannon Braga.

HOST: Wrong!

SEVEN: You mean he lied to me??

HOST: And our time is up. Congratulations, team. You managed to bank absolutely, positively, nothing!

CHAKOTAY: Yahoo!

HOST: You see, Chakotay. The point of the game is to make money.

CHAKOTAY: Oh, well in that case... Poop!

HOST: Okay, team. Time to vote. Which of your teammates is a few dilithium crystals short of a warp core?

(Insert canned laughter from the audience.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!!

VOICE-OVER: B’Elanna was the strongest link in that round. She answered her question, and looked stunning when she did so. Chakotay was the weakest link. He stood there with his finger up his nose.

HOST: Okay, team. Who’d you vote for?

B’ELANNA: Neelix.

JANEWAY: Seven of Nine.

CHAKOTAY: Neelix.

TUVOK: Neelix.

NEELIX: Chakotay.

SEVEN: Janeway.

HOST: B’Elanna, why’d you vote for Neelix?

B’ELANNA: Four words: A Briefing With Neelix.

HOST: Chakotay, why’d you vote for Neelix?

CHAKOTAY: I meant to vote for Al Gore...

HOST: Neelix, with three votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) NEELIX: I don’t know why Tuvok voted for me. The two of us have always been the best of friends. He couldn’t possibly still be upset about me making him dance... Could he?

Round Two

HOST: Okay, team. So far you’ve banked zero! Remember, that’s still bad, Chakotay.

CHAKOTAY: Gotcha!

HOST: We’ll start with the strongest link from the last round, that’s B’Elanna. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: B’Elanna, what is the diameter of the planet Jupiter?

B’ELANNA: 88,536 miles.

HOST: Correct! Janeway, who was the leader of the Third Reich?

JANEWAY: Rick Berman.

HOST: Wrong! Chakotay, how many eyes does the average person have?

CHAKOTAY: My name doesn’t have any “i”s. So the answer is zero.

HOST: Wrong! Tuvok, who coined the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty”?

TUVOK: Um... Scotty?

HOST: Wrong! Seven, which country-western singer is famous for her very large breasts?

SEVEN: I never sang any country songs...

HOST: Wrong! And our time is up! Once again, you twits banked absolutely nothing!

JANEWAY: Bank!!

HOST: Too late, my dear.

JANEWAY: I don’t like bullies... And I don’t like you!

HOST: Okay team. Time to vote again. Which of these drones is the most pedantic?

(Insert canned laughter from the audience.)

HOST: Time to vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: B’Elanna was the strongest link for the second round in a row. She’s the only one who got a question right. Chakotay was the weakest link in that last round. However, he’s gone from picking his nose to scratching his butt. But will the team have noticed?

HOST: Okay. Voting over. Time to announce the results.

B’ELANNA: Tuvok.

JANEWAY: Seven of Nine.

CHAKOTAY: Tuvok.

TUVOK: Chakotay.

SEVEN: Janeway.

HOST: Janeway, this is the second round in a row that you’ve voted for Seven. Do you not like her?

JANEWAY: Boy, are you sharp!

HOST: Chakotay, why have you voted for Tuvok?

CHAKOTAY: I thought he was the weakest link that time.

HOST: Once again, you’re wrong. You were the weakest link in that round.

CHAKOTAY: Oh. Is it too late to change my vote?

HOST: I’m afraid so. Tuvok, with two votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) TUVOK: I can’t believe Chakotay has made it this far. He can’t even tell the difference between a Cardassian and a Bajoran!

Round Three

HOST: Okay team, you are still standing there with your big fat goose egg. Let’s move on to Round Three. Get ready. And let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: B’Elanna, what is the tenth tallest mountain in the world?

B’ELANNA: The Gasherbrum.

HOST: Correct! Janeway, who was the first female executed by capital punishment?

JANEWAY: Seven of Nine.

HOST: Wrong!

JANEWAY: But then I went back in time and prevented her from being executed.

HOST: I’m sorry, I have to accept your first answer. Chakotay, What species came before Species 8472?

CHAKOTAY: Um... 47?

HOST: Wrong! Seven, what was the name of Voyager’s only Ocampa crewmember?

SEVEN: Does it matter? She’s history, man!

HOST: I’m sorry... We’re out of time. Guess how much money you banked, team?

CHAKOTAY: Um... 47?

HOST: Wrong! Nothing... again! Get ready to make your votes. Who has left their brain in the Badlands?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST: Time to vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: Believe it or not, B’Elanna was the strongest link again! The girl’s on fire! Once again, Chakotay was the weakest link. However he kept his hands in his pockets during the round. God knows what he was doing.

HOST: Voting over, everybody. Let’s see the results!

B’ELANNA: Chakotay.

JANEWAY: Seven.

CHAKOTAY: B’Elanna.

SEVEN: Janeway.

HOST: Looks like we have a tie. Seven, why have you voted for Janeway?

SEVEN: Because no matter what the J-Team says, I am the star of Voyager.

HOST: Chakotay, once again you were the weakest link. So why have you voted for B’Elanna?

CHAKOTAY: I simply wasn’t able to spell Chakotay.

HOST: B’Elanna, since you were the strongest link, yet again, you can break the tie. Do you want to stick with Chakotay?

B’ELANNA: I’ve changed my mind. I choose Seven.

HOST: B’Elanna, what made you change your mind?

B’ELANNA: Because that Borg bimbo couldn’t keep her ass out of my engine room!

HOST: Seven of Nine, with two votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) SEVEN: Captain Janeway will never appear in anything Star Trek-related. Let’s just say I have a friend who will see to that...

Round Four

HOST: Okay team. I’m sounding like a broken record. No money. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: B’Elanna, what is the life expectancy of the averge citizen of Argentina?

B’ELANNA: 71.51 years.

HOST: Correct!

JANEWAY: Bank!!!!

HOST: Janeway, who came up with the regulations regarding the Prime Directive?

JANEWAY: Never heard of it.

HOST: Wrong! Chakotay, New York City is located in which state?

CHAKOTAY: Wow, there are so many lights in this room.

HOST: I’m sorry, your time is up. And you managed to bank a pathetic, miserable $1,000. Okay everybody, one last vote. Who should be using Spock’s brain?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST: The two survivors will go on to the bonus round. Time to vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: B’Elanna was the strongest link in that round... Chakotay was the weakest link in that round. This is not a recording...

HOST: Okay team, lets see the results.

B’ELANNA: Chakotay.

JANEWAY: B’Elanna.

CHAKOTAY: B’Elanna.

HOST: Janeway, why did you vote for B’Elanna?

JANEWAY: Let’s see, I can either play against Miss “10th largest Mountain” over here, or I can play against this tattooed baboon. Dumb question, my dear...

HOST: Chakotay, why’d you vote for B’Elanna?

CHAKOTAY: I told you, I can’t spell my name. And I’m too afraid of Janeway. So B’Elanna was the only other choice.

HOST: B’Elanna. Unfortunately your time is up. You’ve been a stunning contestant. But you are the weakest link... I love you!

(Backstage) B’ELANNA: Get the cheese to sickbay!

Final Round

HOST: Okay. We’re going to play the abbreviated version. I’m going to ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most correct wins the $1,000. Janeway, you go first. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: Janeway, how many shuttlecrafts did Voyager lose?

JANEWAY: Pass!

HOST: Chakotay, What day of the week follows Sunday?

CHAKOTAY: Pass!

HOST: Janeway, how many crewmembers did Voyager lose?

JANEWAY: Pass!

HOST: Chakotay... If you get this next one right, you win. What is the most frequent play a quarterback uses in football?

CHAKOTAY: Pass!

HOST: Correct!! Believe it or not, Chakotay is the strongest link! Janeway, you leave with nothing!

(Backstage) CHAKOTAY: This is the proudest moment of my life!

(Backstage) JANEWAY: Wait until Chakotay learns money doesn’t exist in the 24th century... Mwaa ha ha ha ha!

HOST: Goodbye!