(Skip to Content)

The Weakest Link: The Voyager Edition

By Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published May 29, 2001

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!!

Since I adore both shows... And since I’m terribly, terribly bored at work today. Here comes Voyager’s The Weakest Link!

VOICE-OVER
One of these people could win one million dollars. But we’re going have to work as a team and then vote them off. Blah blah blah. As we play... The Weakest Link!!
B’ELANNA
I’m B’Elanna, Voyager’s chief engineer. Beautiful genius.
JANEWAY
I’m Janeway, Voyager’s captain. Don’t mess with me, Anne!
CHAKOTAY
I’m Chakotay, Voyager’s first officer. Please don’t vote me off right away.
TUVOK
I’m Tuvok, Voyager’s tactical officer. And these other people are toast.
NEELIX
I’m Neelix, Voyager’s chef and morale officer. I often make these people toast.
SEVEN
I’m Seven, Voyager’s... Whatever it is I do. I sleep with this show’s producer, too.
HOST
Good luck, everybody. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST
B’Elanna, what is the square root of 120,409?
B’ELANNA
347.
HOST
Correct! Janeway, who was the third President of the United States?
JANEWAY
I don’t respond well to history questions...
HOST
Wrong! Chakotay, how do you spell dog?
CHAKOTAY
Um... Er... “D”... No, that’s not right. Pass!
HOST
Wrong! Tuvok, who coined the phrase “the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few”?
TUVOK
Ambassador Spock.
HOST
Correct! Neelix, who invented the leola root?
NEELIX
Mr. Leola?
HOST
I’ll accept that. Seven, who was the first man to walk on the moon?
SEVEN
Brannon Braga.
HOST
Wrong!
SEVEN
You mean he lied to me??
HOST
And our time is up. Congratulations, team. You managed to bank absolutely, positively, nothing!
CHAKOTAY
Yahoo!
HOST
You see, Chakotay. The point of the game is to make money.
CHAKOTAY
Oh, well in that case... Poop!
HOST
Okay, team. Time to vote. Which of your teammates is a few dilithium crystals short of a warp core?

(Insert canned laughter from the audience.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
B’Elanna was the strongest link in that round. She answered her question, and looked stunning when she did so. Chakotay was the weakest link. He stood there with his finger up his nose.
HOST
Okay, team. Who’d you vote for?
B’ELANNA
Neelix.
JANEWAY
Seven of Nine.
CHAKOTAY
Neelix.
TUVOK
Neelix.
NEELIX
Chakotay.
SEVEN
Janeway.
HOST
B’Elanna, why’d you vote for Neelix?
B’ELANNA
Four words: A Briefing With Neelix.
HOST
Chakotay, why’d you vote for Neelix?
CHAKOTAY
I meant to vote for Al Gore...
HOST
Neelix, with three votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) NEELIX
I don’t know why Tuvok voted for me. The two of us have always been the best of friends. He couldn’t possibly still be upset about me making him dance... Could he?

Round Two

HOST
Okay, team. So far you’ve banked zero! Remember, that’s still bad, Chakotay.
CHAKOTAY
Gotcha!
HOST
We’ll start with the strongest link from the last round, that’s B’Elanna. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
B’Elanna, what is the diameter of the planet Jupiter?
B’ELANNA
88,536 miles.
HOST
Correct! Janeway, who was the leader of the Third Reich?
JANEWAY
Rick Berman.
HOST
Wrong! Chakotay, how many eyes does the average person have?
CHAKOTAY
My name doesn’t have any “i”s. So the answer is zero.
HOST
Wrong! Tuvok, who coined the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty”?
TUVOK
Um... Scotty?
HOST
Wrong! Seven, which country-western singer is famous for her very large breasts?
SEVEN
I never sang any country songs...
HOST
Wrong! And our time is up! Once again, you twits banked absolutely nothing!
JANEWAY
Bank!!
HOST
Too late, my dear.
JANEWAY
I don’t like bullies... And I don’t like you!
HOST
Okay team. Time to vote again. Which of these drones is the most pedantic?

(Insert canned laughter from the audience.)

HOST
Time to vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
B’Elanna was the strongest link for the second round in a row. She’s the only one who got a question right. Chakotay was the weakest link in that last round. However, he’s gone from picking his nose to scratching his butt. But will the team have noticed?
HOST
Okay. Voting over. Time to announce the results.
B’ELANNA
Tuvok.
JANEWAY
Seven of Nine.
CHAKOTAY
Tuvok.
TUVOK
Chakotay.
SEVEN
Janeway.
HOST
Janeway, this is the second round in a row that you’ve voted for Seven. Do you not like her?
JANEWAY
Boy, are you sharp!
HOST
Chakotay, why have you voted for Tuvok?
CHAKOTAY
I thought he was the weakest link that time.
HOST
Once again, you’re wrong. You were the weakest link in that round.
CHAKOTAY
Oh. Is it too late to change my vote?
HOST
I’m afraid so. Tuvok, with two votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) TUVOK
I can’t believe Chakotay has made it this far. He can’t even tell the difference between a Cardassian and a Bajoran!

Round Three

HOST
Okay team, you are still standing there with your big fat goose egg. Let’s move on to Round Three. Get ready. And let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
B’Elanna, what is the tenth tallest mountain in the world?
B’ELANNA
The Gasherbrum.
HOST
Correct! Janeway, who was the first female executed by capital punishment?
JANEWAY
Seven of Nine.
HOST
Wrong!
JANEWAY
But then I went back in time and prevented her from being executed.
HOST
I’m sorry, I have to accept your first answer. Chakotay, What species came before Species 8472?
CHAKOTAY
Um... 47?
HOST
Wrong! Seven, what was the name of Voyager’s only Ocampa crewmember?
SEVEN
Does it matter? She’s history, man!
HOST
I’m sorry... We’re out of time. Guess how much money you banked, team?
CHAKOTAY
Um... 47?
HOST
Wrong! Nothing... again! Get ready to make your votes. Who has left their brain in the Badlands?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST
Time to vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
Believe it or not, B’Elanna was the strongest link again! The girl’s on fire! Once again, Chakotay was the weakest link. However he kept his hands in his pockets during the round. God knows what he was doing.
HOST
Voting over, everybody. Let’s see the results!
B’ELANNA
Chakotay.
JANEWAY
Seven.
CHAKOTAY
B’Elanna.
SEVEN
Janeway.
HOST
Looks like we have a tie. Seven, why have you voted for Janeway?
SEVEN
Because no matter what the J-Team says, I am the star of Voyager.
HOST
Chakotay, once again you were the weakest link. So why have you voted for B’Elanna?
CHAKOTAY
I simply wasn’t able to spell Chakotay.
HOST
B’Elanna, since you were the strongest link, yet again, you can break the tie. Do you want to stick with Chakotay?
B’ELANNA
I’ve changed my mind. I choose Seven.
HOST
B’Elanna, what made you change your mind?
B’ELANNA
Because that Borg bimbo couldn’t keep her ass out of my engine room!
HOST
Seven of Nine, with two votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) SEVEN
Captain Janeway will never appear in anything Star Trek-related. Let’s just say I have a friend who will see to that...

Round Four

HOST
Okay team. I’m sounding like a broken record. No money. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
B’Elanna, what is the life expectancy of the averge citizen of Argentina?
B’ELANNA
71.51 years.
HOST
Correct!
JANEWAY
Bank!!!!
HOST
Janeway, who came up with the regulations regarding the Prime Directive?
JANEWAY
Never heard of it.
HOST
Wrong! Chakotay, New York City is located in which state?
CHAKOTAY
Wow, there are so many lights in this room.
HOST
I’m sorry, your time is up. And you managed to bank a pathetic, miserable $1,000. Okay everybody, one last vote. Who should be using Spock’s brain?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST
The two survivors will go on to the bonus round. Time to vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
B’Elanna was the strongest link in that round... Chakotay was the weakest link in that round. This is not a recording...
HOST
Okay team, lets see the results.
B’ELANNA
Chakotay.
JANEWAY
B’Elanna.
CHAKOTAY
B’Elanna.
HOST
Janeway, why did you vote for B’Elanna?
JANEWAY
Let’s see, I can either play against Miss “10th largest Mountain” over here, or I can play against this tattooed baboon. Dumb question, my dear...
HOST
Chakotay, why’d you vote for B’Elanna?
CHAKOTAY
I told you, I can’t spell my name. And I’m too afraid of Janeway. So B’Elanna was the only other choice.
HOST
B’Elanna. Unfortunately your time is up. You’ve been a stunning contestant. But you are the weakest link... I love you!
(Backstage) B’ELANNA
Get the cheese to sickbay!

Final Round

HOST
Okay. We’re going to play the abbreviated version. I’m going to ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most correct wins the $1,000. Janeway, you go first. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
Janeway, how many shuttlecrafts did Voyager lose?
JANEWAY
Pass!
HOST
Chakotay, What day of the week follows Sunday?
CHAKOTAY
Pass!
HOST
Janeway, how many crewmembers did Voyager lose?
JANEWAY
Pass!
HOST
Chakotay... If you get this next one right, you win. What is the most frequent play a quarterback uses in football?
CHAKOTAY
Pass!
HOST
Correct!! Believe it or not, Chakotay is the strongest link! Janeway, you leave with nothing!
(Backstage) CHAKOTAY
This is the proudest moment of my life!
(Backstage) JANEWAY
Wait until Chakotay learns money doesn’t exist in the 24th century... Mwaa ha ha ha ha!
HOST
Goodbye!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.