The Weakest Link: The Trek Villains Edition

By Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published May 31, 2001

The first one was so fun for me... Here comes a Villain Special Edition! ☺

VOICE-OVER: Tonight one of these evil, ruthless creatures could win up to one million dollars to give to their favorite charity. As we play... The Weakest Link!

KHAN: Hello, I am Khan. And I am from Ceti Alpha Five!

BORG QUEEN: Hello, we are the Borg. Resistance is futile. Well, at least it used to be, until Voyager’s fifth season...

CHANG: Hello, I am Chang. And I’m going to quote Shakespeare until you vomit.

SESKA: Hello, I am Seska. I have Cardassian, Maquis, Starfleet and Kazon tactical skills.

Q: Hello, I am Q. And I’m still alive, unlike “Miss Tactical Skills” Seska to my left.

DOUGHERTY: Hello, I am Admiral Dougherty. And I’m here because they ran out of cool villians.

Round One

HOST: Welcome to... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Khan, who first achieved warp speed in the year 2063?

KHAN: How the hell should I know? I was sleeping!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Borg Queen, what sweet substance is made by drones of the Queen Bee?

BORG QUEEN: Honey.

HOST: Flirting with me won’t help you! Oh wait... Never mind... You’re correct!

HOST: Chang, which author wrote the phrase “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”?

CHANG: Shakespeare!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Seska, what tactical maneuver did the Germans develop in World War II?

SESKA: The Corbomite Maneuver?

HOST: Wrong!

SESKA: The Riker Maneuver?

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Q, who was the first member of the Q Continuum to commit suicide?

Q: Q!

HOST: Correct!

HOST: Admiral, which two explorers first made their way across the American continent?

DOUGHERTY: Oh, I forget their names. I know they were some Romulan thugs

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: And I’m afraid our time is up for that round. And guess what? You pathetic, idiotic morons didn’t bank a single dime!

DOUGHERTY: But we’re villains, don’t we usually rob banks?

HOST: No excuses! I urge you to vote off the weakest member of the team. Who’s a few murders short of psychosis?

(Insert canned laughter from audience.)

HOST: Time to vote off... the weakest link!!

VOICE-OVER: The Borg Queen was the strongest link in that round. She answered her question correctly and made a pass at the host. Seska was the weakest link. She answered her question wrong... Repeatedly!

HOST: Okay team, time to see who you voted for!

KHAN: Seska.

BORG QUEEN: Seska.

CHANG: Seska.

SESKA: Q.

Q: Seska.

DOUGHERTY: Seska.

HOST: Chang, why have you voted for Seska?

CHANG: I knew she was the architect of this tragic affair!

HOST: Borg Queen, why did you vote for Seska?

BORG QUEEN: Because there’s only room for one villianess.

HOST: Seska, with five votes. you are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) SESKA: I can’t believe Chang was so cruel to me. But I’ve got a little surprise for him... He’s going to be a father!!

Round Two

HOST: Okay, team. Seska is history. Let me remind you that the object of the gain is to win money. So get with it people! Let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: Khan, who discovered the Mutara Nebula?

KHAN: I was the one who saw it first, but James T. Kirk gets the glory because he entered it first.

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Borg Queen, finish this famous movie title: Lady and the...

BORG QUEEN: Tramp!

HOST: Don’t you dare talk to me that way... Oh wait, never mind... Correct!

HOST: Chang, what dictator reportedly said, “We need breathing room”?

CHANG: I don’t know.

HOST: Correct answer... Earth, Hitler, 1938.

CHANG: I beg your pardon?

HOST: Q, who founded the Q Continuum?

Q: Q!

HOST: Correct!

HOST: Admiral, who played the lead roles on Laverne & Shirley?

DOUGHERTY: It was those damn Romulan thugs!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Time’s up for that round. And once again, you managed to bank absolutely nothing! Time to get another moron out of my sight. Who is giving evil a bad name?

(Insert canned audience laughter.)

HOST: Time to vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: Admiral Dougherty was the weakest link in that round, he is obsessed with Romulan thugs. The Borg Queen was the strongest link. She answered her question and insulted the host. But will the team have noticed?

HOST: Okay folks, time to reveal your votes!

KHAN: Dougherty.

BORG QUEEN: Brannon Braga.

CHANG: Dougherty.

Q: Dougherty.

DOUGHERTY: Khan.

HOST: Voting over. Borg Queen, why have you voted for Brannon Braga? He’s not even here.

BORG QUEEN: He ruined us!

HOST: Khan, why have you voted for Admiral Dougherty?

DOUGHERTY: Yeah, are you trying to tick me off??

KHAN: Perhaps... I no longer need to try, Admiral...

HOST: Admiral, you do realize you’ve missed both questions so far?

DOUGHERTY: So what, just two measly questions.

HOST: How many does it take, before you become an idiot? How many does it take, Admiral??

DOUGHERTY: Three?

HOST: Admiral Dougherty, with three votes. you are the weakest link. Goodbye!

(Backstage) DOUGHERTY: It’s all a big popularity contest. They see me wearing a Starfleet uniform and they gang up against me. And to think I suggested waiting to share the benefits of the Briar Patch...

Round Three

HOST: Okay team. You have banked nothing so far. Which makes production costs a lot less expensive, we appreciate that. So let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Khan, what was the name of the planet that just suddenly exploded for no reason in particular?

KHAN: Ceti Alpha Six.

HOST: Sorry... The correct answer is Ceti Alpha Five.

KHAN: You’re as bad as Chekov!

HOST: Borg Queen, which humans first encountered the Borg?

BORG QUEEN: The Enterprise. No wait, it was the Hansens. No, maybe it was the Enterprise... But I’m thinking the Hansens. I’ll say the Hansens.

HOST: Wrong!

BORG QUEEN: Is that canon?

HOST: Chang, What Shakespearean phrase is quoted most often?

CHANG: “To be... or not to be... That is the question.”

HOST: Correct!

KHAN: I’d give real money if he’d shut up.

HOST: Q, In billiards, what is the big white ball traditionally called?

Q: Cue!

HOST: Correct!

HOST: And our time is up again... Bankless fools! Time for another vote. Which of your teammates should have his Legion of Doom license revoked?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST: Time to vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: Khan was the weakest link in that round, I’m laughing at the superior intellect. Q was the strongest link, but does him being omnipotent give him an unfair advantage? The votes will decide...

HOST: Time to reveal the votes!

KHAN: The Borg Queen.

BORG QUEEN: Khan.

Q: The Borg Queen.

CHANG: The Borg Queen.

HOST: Chang, why have you voted for the Borg Queen? Do you not like queens?

CHANG: That’s right. I’m very homophobic...

HOST: Khan, why did you vote for the Queen?

KHAN: I don’t like the way she keeps ripping her arms out of the sockets.

HOST: Queenie, with three votes. you are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) BORG QUEEN: I wish Susanna Thompson was playing me for this episode, she’s a little more knowledgable about Borg history.

Round Four

HOST: I’m cutting to the chase... You’re broke. Not a dime. So let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: Khan, Who invented the Genesis Device?

KHAN: Phil Collins.

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Q, what letter of the alphabet comes between “P” and “R”?

Q: The Scarlett Letter?

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Chang, what class of Klingon ship comes with a tailpipe?

CHANG: The Bird-of-Prey.

HOST: Correct!

HOST: Time is up... So I’ll say it for you... Bank! There, you have $1,000. But it’s time for one of you to go. The other two will play the final round. Which of your teammates makes Commander Chakotay seem like Isaac Newton?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: Chang was the strongest link in that round. He knows his tailpipes. Khan was the weakest link, but I’ll be damned if I’m saying that to his face.

HOST: Voting over. Let’s see who you picked.

KHAN: Q.

Q: Q.

CHANG: Q.

HOST: Q, why have you voted for yourself?

Q: You forget I’m omnipotent. I knew these two had voted for me, so I went for a clean sweep!

HOST: Whatever. But with three votes, you are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage): Q: Those bozos are laughing... For now. I know who will get the last laugh! Lets just say one of them won’t make it out of a certain nebula, and the other is going to bite it near Camp Khitomer... Mwaaaa ha ha ha!

Final Round

HOST: Okay, boys. I’ll ask you both two questions, whoever gets the most right wins the $1,000... Let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: Khan, Kirk’s best friend Spock was killed in which film?

KHAN: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Me.

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Chang, Kirk’s son David was killed in which film?

CHANG: Star Trek III: The Search For The Guy Who Died in Star Trek II.

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Khan, what was Lieutenant Uhura’s first name?

KHAN: I thought her first name was Lieutenant!

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Chang, what were Captain Kirk’s last words before he died?

CHANG: “It was... Fun.”

HOST: Wrong! The correct answer was “Oh my.”

CHANG: Oh, crap!

HOST: That’s it, gentlemen. Khan, you win $1,000. Chang, you leave with nothing!

(Backstage) KHAN: It was the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that allowed me to survive.

(Backstage) CHANG: Khaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!

HOST: Goodbye!