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The Weakest Link: The Trek Villains Edition

By Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published May 31, 2001

The first one was so fun for me... Here comes a Villain Special Edition! ☺

VOICE-OVER
Tonight one of these evil, ruthless creatures could win up to one million dollars to give to their favorite charity. As we play... The Weakest Link!
KHAN
Hello, I am Khan. And I am from Ceti Alpha Five!
BORG QUEEN
Hello, we are the Borg. Resistance is futile. Well, at least it used to be, until Voyager's fifth season...
CHANG
Hello, I am Chang. And I’m going to quote Shakespeare until you vomit.
SESKA
Hello, I am Seska. I have Cardassian, Maquis, Starfleet and Kazon tactical skills.
Q
Hello, I am Q. And I’m still alive, unlike “Miss Tactical Skills” Seska to my left.
DOUGHERTY
Hello, I am Admiral Dougherty. And I’m here because they ran out of cool villians.

Round One

HOST
Welcome to... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Khan, who first achieved warp speed in the year 2063?
KHAN
How the hell should I know? I was sleeping!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Borg Queen, what sweet substance is made by drones of the Queen Bee?
BORG QUEEN
Honey.
HOST
Flirting with me won’t help you! Oh wait... Never mind... You’re correct!
HOST
Chang, which author wrote the phrase “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”?
CHANG
Shakespeare!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Seska, what tactical maneuver did the Germans develop in World War II?
SESKA
The Corbomite Maneuver?
HOST
Wrong!
SESKA
The Riker Maneuver?
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Q, who was the first member of the Q Continuum to commit suicide?
Q
Q!
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Admiral, which two explorers first made their way across the American continent?
DOUGHERTY
Oh, I forget their names. I know they were some Romulan thugs
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
And I’m afraid our time is up for that round. And guess what? You pathetic, idiotic morons didn’t bank a single dime!
DOUGHERTY
But we’re villains, don’t we usually rob banks?
HOST
No excuses! I urge you to vote off the weakest member of the team. Who’s a few murders short of psychosis?

(Insert canned laughter from audience.)

HOST
Time to vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
The Borg Queen was the strongest link in that round. She answered her question correctly and made a pass at the host. Seska was the weakest link. She answered her question wrong... Repeatedly!
HOST
Okay team, time to see who you voted for!
KHAN
Seska.
BORG QUEEN
Seska.
CHANG
Seska.
SESKA
Q.
Q
Seska.
DOUGHERTY
Seska.
HOST
Chang, why have you voted for Seska?
CHANG
I knew she was the architect of this tragic affair!
HOST
Borg Queen, why did you vote for Seska?
BORG QUEEN
Because there’s only room for one villianess.
HOST
Seska, with five votes. you are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) SESKA
I can’t believe Chang was so cruel to me. But I’ve got a little surprise for him... He’s going to be a father!!

Round Two

HOST
Okay, team. Seska is history. Let me remind you that the object of the gain is to win money. So get with it people! Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
Khan, who discovered the Mutara Nebula?
KHAN
I was the one who saw it first, but James T. Kirk gets the glory because he entered it first.
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Borg Queen, finish this famous movie title: Lady and the...
BORG QUEEN
Tramp!
HOST
Don’t you dare talk to me that way... Oh wait, never mind... Correct!
HOST
Chang, what dictator reportedly said, “We need breathing room”?
CHANG
I don’t know.
HOST
Correct answer... Earth, Hitler, 1938.
CHANG
I beg your pardon?
HOST
Q, who founded the Q Continuum?
Q
Q!
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Admiral, who played the lead roles on Laverne & Shirley?
DOUGHERTY
It was those damn Romulan thugs!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Time’s up for that round. And once again, you managed to bank absolutely nothing! Time to get another moron out of my sight. Who is giving evil a bad name?

(Insert canned audience laughter.)

HOST
Time to vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
Admiral Dougherty was the weakest link in that round, he is obsessed with Romulan thugs. The Borg Queen was the strongest link. She answered her question and insulted the host. But will the team have noticed?
HOST
Okay folks, time to reveal your votes!
KHAN
Dougherty.
BORG QUEEN
Brannon Braga.
CHANG
Dougherty.
Q
Dougherty.
DOUGHERTY
Khan.
HOST
Voting over. Borg Queen, why have you voted for Brannon Braga? He’s not even here.
BORG QUEEN
He ruined us!
HOST
Khan, why have you voted for Admiral Dougherty?
DOUGHERTY
Yeah, are you trying to tick me off??
KHAN
Perhaps... I no longer need to try, Admiral...
HOST
Admiral, you do realize you’ve missed both questions so far?
DOUGHERTY
So what, just two measly questions.
HOST
How many does it take, before you become an idiot? How many does it take, Admiral??
DOUGHERTY
Three?
HOST
Admiral Dougherty, with three votes. you are the weakest link. Goodbye!
(Backstage) DOUGHERTY
It’s all a big popularity contest. They see me wearing a Starfleet uniform and they gang up against me. And to think I suggested waiting to share the benefits of the Briar Patch...

Round Three

HOST
Okay team. You have banked nothing so far. Which makes production costs a lot less expensive, we appreciate that. So let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Khan, what was the name of the planet that just suddenly exploded for no reason in particular?
KHAN
Ceti Alpha Six.
HOST
Sorry... The correct answer is Ceti Alpha Five.
KHAN
You’re as bad as Chekov!
HOST
Borg Queen, which humans first encountered the Borg?
BORG QUEEN
The Enterprise. No wait, it was the Hansens. No, maybe it was the Enterprise... But I’m thinking the Hansens. I’ll say the Hansens.
HOST
Wrong!
BORG QUEEN
Is that canon?
HOST
Chang, What Shakespearean phrase is quoted most often?
CHANG
“To be... or not to be... That is the question.”
HOST
Correct!
KHAN
I’d give real money if he’d shut up.
HOST
Q, In billiards, what is the big white ball traditionally called?
Q
Cue!
HOST
Correct!
HOST
And our time is up again... Bankless fools! Time for another vote. Which of your teammates should have his Legion of Doom license revoked?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST
Time to vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
Khan was the weakest link in that round, I’m laughing at the superior intellect. Q was the strongest link, but does him being omnipotent give him an unfair advantage? The votes will decide...
HOST
Time to reveal the votes!
KHAN
The Borg Queen.
BORG QUEEN
Khan.
Q
The Borg Queen.
CHANG
The Borg Queen.
HOST
Chang, why have you voted for the Borg Queen? Do you not like queens?
CHANG
That’s right. I’m very homophobic...
HOST
Khan, why did you vote for the Queen?
KHAN
I don’t like the way she keeps ripping her arms out of the sockets.
HOST
Queenie, with three votes. you are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) BORG QUEEN
I wish Susanna Thompson was playing me for this episode, she’s a little more knowledgable about Borg history.

Round Four

HOST
I’m cutting to the chase... You’re broke. Not a dime. So let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
Khan, Who invented the Genesis Device?
KHAN
Phil Collins.
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Q, what letter of the alphabet comes between “P” and “R”?
Q
The Scarlett Letter?
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Chang, what class of Klingon ship comes with a tailpipe?
CHANG
The Bird-of-Prey.
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Time is up... So I’ll say it for you... Bank! There, you have $1,000. But it’s time for one of you to go. The other two will play the final round. Which of your teammates makes Commander Chakotay seem like Isaac Newton?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
Chang was the strongest link in that round. He knows his tailpipes. Khan was the weakest link, but I’ll be damned if I’m saying that to his face.
HOST
Voting over. Let’s see who you picked.
KHAN
Q.
Q
Q.
CHANG
Q.
HOST
Q, why have you voted for yourself?
Q
You forget I’m omnipotent. I knew these two had voted for me, so I went for a clean sweep!
HOST
Whatever. But with three votes, you are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage)
Q: Those bozos are laughing... For now. I know who will get the last laugh! Lets just say one of them won’t make it out of a certain nebula, and the other is going to bite it near Camp Khitomer... Mwaaaa ha ha ha!

Final Round

HOST
Okay, boys. I’ll ask you both two questions, whoever gets the most right wins the $1,000... Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
Khan, Kirk’s best friend Spock was killed in which film?
KHAN
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Me.
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Chang, Kirk’s son David was killed in which film?
CHANG
Star Trek III: The Search For The Guy Who Died in Star Trek II.
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Khan, what was Lieutenant Uhura’s first name?
KHAN
I thought her first name was Lieutenant!
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Chang, what were Captain Kirk’s last words before he died?
CHANG
“It was... Fun.”
HOST
Wrong! The correct answer was “Oh my.”
CHANG
Oh, crap!
HOST
That’s it, gentlemen. Khan, you win $1,000. Chang, you leave with nothing!
(Backstage) KHAN
It was the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that allowed me to survive.
(Backstage) CHANG
Khaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!
HOST
Goodbye!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.