The Weakest Link: The Trek Women Edition

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published June 1, 2001

VOICE-OVER: Today, one of these female Trekkers could win up to one million dollars in cash (and a free home perm) as we play... The Weakest Link!!

LILY: Hello, I’m Lily. From First Contact, remember? And I’m definitely not Swedish.

KES: Hello, I am Kes. And I don’t like searching for higher things!

UHURA: Hello, I am Uhura. Hailing frequencies are open.

VALERIS: Hello, I am Valeris. The stunning female Vulcan.

SAAVIK: Hello, I am Saavik. The first stunning female Vulcan.

CHAPEL: Hello, I am Nurse Chapel. The real-life wife of series creator Gene Roddenberry.

VOICE-OVER: She was the Jeri Ryan of her generation...

HOST: Hello team. I’m quite sure you’ll not win much of anything. But let us go through the motions. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST: Lily, who wrote the classic novel Moby Dick?

LILY: Actually... I never read it.

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Kes, what is the average lifespan of an Ocampa?

KES: Eight years!

HOST: Correct!

LILY: Then why aren’t you dead?

HOST: Uhura, what famous words did Alexander Graham Bell utter when he invented the telephone?

UHURA: “Hailing frequencies open”?

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Valeris, according to Captain Spock, what does nature abhor?

VALERIS: Who you calling a whore?

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Saavik, what actress starred in Cheers and Veronica’s Closet?

SAAVIK: That bitch whose shadow I’ve been living under for 20 years...

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Nurse Chapel, are you a natural blonde?

CHAPEL: Pass!

HOST: And we’re out of time for this round.

HOST: As is tradition amongst you twits, you’ve banked nothing. Time to vote off one moron. Which of these ladies should trade their ovaries for some brain cells?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST: Time to vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: Saavik was the strongest link in that round, she answered her question correctly and used the “B” word. Nurse Chapel was the weakest link, and her roots are showing.

HOST: Time to reveal your votes, peeps!

LILY: Kes.

KES: Uhura.

UHURA: Kes.

VALERIS: Saavik.

SAAVIK: Valeris.

CHAPEL: Kes.

HOST: Lily, why have you voted for Kes?

LILY: Look at her, she’s 8 years old! She could drop at any second!

HOST: Uhura, why have you voted for Kes?

UHURA: I was hoping we could replace her with a female with bigger breasts.

KES: Ouch!

HOST: Kes, with three votes. you are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) KES: I’m not going to take this lying down! (Kes makes a death stare)

Round Two

HOST: Okay, team. We’ve sealed the hull breaches caused by Kes’ death stare. Lets play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: Lily, what did the native Americans say when the Mayflower first arrived?

LILY: “Blow up the damn ship!!”

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Uhura, what is the Swahili word for Borg?

UHURA: Orgbay.

HOST: Wrong! That’s Pig Latin!

HOST: Valeris, what is the capital of Peru?

VALERIS: I do not... remember.

HOST: A lie?

VALERIS: A fact!

HOST: Saavik, Vulcan sexual intercourse begins with what part of the arm?

SAAVIK: The hand!

HOST: Correct!

SAAVIK: But don’t do it too often, or you’ll go blind.

HOST: Nurse Chapel, who provides the computer voice in the 24th century?

CHAPEL: How the hell should I know?

HOST: Hmmmm. If you say so...

HOST: Okay team. No money so far. This must be the part where I act surprised. So, time to eject one of you. Which of these women makes Pamela Anderson seem like Marie Curie?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST: Time to vote off.... the weakest link!!

VOICE-OVER: Uhura was the weakest link that time, just because I don’t think a woman her age should be wearing a mini-skirt. Saavik was the strongest link, providing a correct answer as well as some helpful hints. But will the team have noticed?

HOST: Okay team. Let’s see the results:

LILY: Uhura.

UHURA: Nurse Chapel.

VALERIS: Saavik!

SAAVIK: Valeris!

CHAPEL: Uhura.

HOST: Valeris, why have you voted for Saavik?

VALERIS: Because I think she did Spock in Star Trek III.

SAAVIK: Jealous?

HOST: Nurse Chapel, why have you voted for Uhura?

CHAPEL: Because I know she slept with Gene!

UHURA: Ouch!

HOST: Uhura, with two votes, you are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) UHURA: You think Nurse Chapel’s bitter now, wait until my new biography comes out: Way Beyond Uhura. Mwaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

Round Three

HOST: Okay team. Flat broke, and flat-chested. Let’s move on to the next round. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: Lily, what group won the Best Album Grammy in 2062?

LILY: Steppenwolf? That’s all we ever listen to in the future.

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Valeris, who invented anti-gravity boots?

VALERIS: Crewman Dax! Saw him do it with my own eyes!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Saavik, who was the first Vulcan to graduate at the top of her class at the academy?

SAAVIK: (whispering) Her... the tramp to my right.

HOST: Correct!

HOST: Nurse Chapel, who portrayed Captain Pike’s first officer in “The Cage”?

CHAPEL: How the hell should I know?

HOST: Hmmmm. If you say so...

HOST: Guess what, girls? Zippo dollars! You disgust me! But at least I get rid of one of you now. Which of your teammates is the poster child for birth control?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST: Time to vote off... the weakest link!!

VOICE-OVER: Saavik was the strongest link in that round. She correctly whispered her answer. Valeris was the weakest link. God knows how she graduated the top of her class.

HOST: Okay, team. Voting over!

LILY: Nurse Chapel.

VALERIS: Lily.

SAAVIK: Valeris.

CHAPEL: Lily.

HOST: Valeris, you’ve been voting for Saavik all day. Why did you suddenly vote for Lily instead?

VALERIS: I’m hoping Saavik gets another question that forces her to admit that I rule.

SAAVIK: Grrrr!

HOST: Lily, why have you voted for Nurse Chapel?

LILY: Because I have seen “The Cage,” and I’m exposing the truth!

HOST: Nurse Chapel, why did you vote for Lily?

CHAPEL: Because I remember seeing her at the screening of “The Cage,” and she’s not about to expose the truth!

HOST: Well Lily, with two votes. you are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) LILY: I’m telling you! Nurse Chapel and Captain Pike’s first officer are one and the same! You’ll never see them in the same room at the same time!

Round Four

HOST: Wow, you ladies really suck! You still haven’t banked anything. Oh well, life goes on. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Valeris, how often do Vulcans mate?

VALERIS: Once every twenty years.

HOST: Wrong! The correct answer is once every seven years.

VALERIS: Not in my case!

HOST: Saavik, how often does Valeris mate?

SAAVIK: Once every twenty years.

HOST: Correct! Pathetic, huh?

VALERIS: I wish to change my previous vote!

HOST: Nurse Chapel, who played Deanna Troi’s mother on The Next Generation?

CHAPEL: How the hell should I know? ...I’m losing credibility here, aren’t I?

HOST: Correct! I mean, about you losing credibility.

HOST: And we’re out of time for this round. And you’re still bankless. But since we’re all sisters in the war against the pigs known as men, I’m going to give you $1,000,000 to play for in the final round! But first, time to lose one more member of the team. Who is setting the women’s lib movement back 500 years?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: Saavik was the strongest link in that round. Valeris was the most humiliated link in that round. Let’s see who gets the proverbial boot...

HOST: Voting over, ladies.

VALERIS: Nurse Chapel.

SAAVIK: Nurse Chapel.

CHAPEL: Anybody but me.

HOST: Saavik, why have you suddenly voted for Nurse Chapel?

SAAVIK: Because I think she did give birth to Deanna Troi, and she should really be executed for that...

VALERIS: Ditto.

HOST: Nurse Chapel, with two votes. you are the Weakest Link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) CHAPEL: They haven’t seen the last of me! I’m slated to play four roles in Enterprise!!

Final Round

HOST: Okay, you Vulcan vixens. One million dollars up for grabs. I’m going to ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most right wins. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Valeris, according to Starfleet regulations, what engines should you be using while exiting spacedock?

VALERIS: One-quarter impulse power!

HOST: Wrong! The correct answer is aft-thrusters.

VALERIS: Damn you, Kirk!!

HOST: Saavik, what were Captain Spock’s dying words?

SAAVIK: “Live long and prosper.”

HOST: Wrong... You twit! He’s still alive!

SAAVIK: Oh God, and that was my first appearance, too...

HOST: Valeris, what is the perfect drink for diplomatic functions?

VALERIS: Romulan Ale.

HOST: Wrong... You twit! That stuff is illegal!

VALERIS: Damn you again, Kirk! “Officer’s thinking,” my ass!

HOST: Saavik, what were David Marcus’ dying words?

SAAVIK: “Ouch”?

HOST: I’ll accept that!

HOST: And that’s it for today, ladies. Saavik, you win one million dollars!! Valeris, you go home with nothing!

(Backstage) SAAVIK: One million bucks! Now I have another fascinating story to tell at all those endless conventions!

(Backstage) VALERIS: So she won, who cares? I don’t ever see her on Sex and the City.

HOST: Goodbye!