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The Weakest Link: The Trek Women Edition

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published June 1, 2001

VOICE-OVER
Today, one of these female Trekkers could win up to one million dollars in cash (and a free home perm) as we play... The Weakest Link!!
LILY
Hello, I’m Lily. From First Contact, remember? And I’m definitely not Swedish.
KES
Hello, I am Kes. And I don’t like searching for higher things!
UHURA
Hello, I am Uhura. Hailing frequencies are open.
VALERIS
Hello, I am Valeris. The stunning female Vulcan.
SAAVIK
Hello, I am Saavik. The first stunning female Vulcan.
CHAPEL
Hello, I am Nurse Chapel. The real-life wife of series creator Gene Roddenberry.
VOICE-OVER
She was the Jeri Ryan of her generation...
HOST
Hello team. I’m quite sure you’ll not win much of anything. But let us go through the motions. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST
Lily, who wrote the classic novel Moby Dick?
LILY
Actually... I never read it.
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Kes, what is the average lifespan of an Ocampa?
KES
Eight years!
HOST
Correct!
LILY
Then why aren’t you dead?
HOST
Uhura, what famous words did Alexander Graham Bell utter when he invented the telephone?
UHURA
“Hailing frequencies open”?
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Valeris, according to Captain Spock, what does nature abhor?
VALERIS
Who you calling a whore?
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Saavik, what actress starred in Cheers and Veronica’s Closet?
SAAVIK
That bitch whose shadow I’ve been living under for 20 years...
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Nurse Chapel, are you a natural blonde?
CHAPEL
Pass!
HOST
And we’re out of time for this round.
HOST
As is tradition amongst you twits, you’ve banked nothing. Time to vote off one moron. Which of these ladies should trade their ovaries for some brain cells?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST
Time to vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
Saavik was the strongest link in that round, she answered her question correctly and used the “B” word. Nurse Chapel was the weakest link, and her roots are showing.
HOST
Time to reveal your votes, peeps!
LILY
Kes.
KES
Uhura.
UHURA
Kes.
VALERIS
Saavik.
SAAVIK
Valeris.
CHAPEL
Kes.
HOST
Lily, why have you voted for Kes?
LILY
Look at her, she’s 8 years old! She could drop at any second!
HOST
Uhura, why have you voted for Kes?
UHURA
I was hoping we could replace her with a female with bigger breasts.
KES
Ouch!
HOST
Kes, with three votes. you are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) KES
I’m not going to take this lying down! (Kes makes a death stare)

Round Two

HOST
Okay, team. We’ve sealed the hull breaches caused by Kes’ death stare. Lets play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
Lily, what did the native Americans say when the Mayflower first arrived?
LILY
“Blow up the damn ship!!”
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Uhura, what is the Swahili word for Borg?
UHURA
Orgbay.
HOST
Wrong! That’s Pig Latin!
HOST
Valeris, what is the capital of Peru?
VALERIS
I do not... remember.
HOST
A lie?
VALERIS
A fact!
HOST
Saavik, Vulcan sexual intercourse begins with what part of the arm?
SAAVIK
The hand!
HOST
Correct!
SAAVIK
But don’t do it too often, or you’ll go blind.
HOST
Nurse Chapel, who provides the computer voice in the 24th century?
CHAPEL
How the hell should I know?
HOST
Hmmmm. If you say so...
HOST
Okay team. No money so far. This must be the part where I act surprised. So, time to eject one of you. Which of these women makes Pamela Anderson seem like Marie Curie?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST
Time to vote off.... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Uhura was the weakest link that time, just because I don’t think a woman her age should be wearing a mini-skirt. Saavik was the strongest link, providing a correct answer as well as some helpful hints. But will the team have noticed?
HOST
Okay team. Let’s see the results:
LILY
Uhura.
UHURA
Nurse Chapel.
VALERIS
Saavik!
SAAVIK
Valeris!
CHAPEL
Uhura.
HOST
Valeris, why have you voted for Saavik?
VALERIS
Because I think she did Spock in Star Trek III.
SAAVIK
Jealous?
HOST
Nurse Chapel, why have you voted for Uhura?
CHAPEL
Because I know she slept with Gene!
UHURA
Ouch!
HOST
Uhura, with two votes, you are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) UHURA
You think Nurse Chapel’s bitter now, wait until my new biography comes out: Way Beyond Uhura. Mwaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

Round Three

HOST
Okay team. Flat broke, and flat-chested. Let’s move on to the next round. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
Lily, what group won the Best Album Grammy in 2062?
LILY
Steppenwolf? That’s all we ever listen to in the future.
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Valeris, who invented anti-gravity boots?
VALERIS
Crewman Dax! Saw him do it with my own eyes!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Saavik, who was the first Vulcan to graduate at the top of her class at the academy?
SAAVIK
(whispering) Her... the tramp to my right.
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Nurse Chapel, who portrayed Captain Pike’s first officer in “The Cage”?
CHAPEL
How the hell should I know?
HOST
Hmmmm. If you say so...
HOST
Guess what, girls? Zippo dollars! You disgust me! But at least I get rid of one of you now. Which of your teammates is the poster child for birth control?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST
Time to vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Saavik was the strongest link in that round. She correctly whispered her answer. Valeris was the weakest link. God knows how she graduated the top of her class.
HOST
Okay, team. Voting over!
LILY
Nurse Chapel.
VALERIS
Lily.
SAAVIK
Valeris.
CHAPEL
Lily.
HOST
Valeris, you’ve been voting for Saavik all day. Why did you suddenly vote for Lily instead?
VALERIS
I’m hoping Saavik gets another question that forces her to admit that I rule.
SAAVIK
Grrrr!
HOST
Lily, why have you voted for Nurse Chapel?
LILY
Because I have seen “The Cage,” and I’m exposing the truth!
HOST
Nurse Chapel, why did you vote for Lily?
CHAPEL
Because I remember seeing her at the screening of “The Cage,” and she’s not about to expose the truth!
HOST
Well Lily, with two votes. you are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) LILY
I’m telling you! Nurse Chapel and Captain Pike’s first officer are one and the same! You’ll never see them in the same room at the same time!

Round Four

HOST
Wow, you ladies really suck! You still haven’t banked anything. Oh well, life goes on. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Valeris, how often do Vulcans mate?
VALERIS
Once every twenty years.
HOST
Wrong! The correct answer is once every seven years.
VALERIS
Not in my case!
HOST
Saavik, how often does Valeris mate?
SAAVIK
Once every twenty years.
HOST
Correct! Pathetic, huh?
VALERIS
I wish to change my previous vote!
HOST
Nurse Chapel, who played Deanna Troi’s mother on The Next Generation?
CHAPEL
How the hell should I know? ...I’m losing credibility here, aren’t I?
HOST
Correct! I mean, about you losing credibility.
HOST
And we’re out of time for this round. And you’re still bankless. But since we’re all sisters in the war against the pigs known as men, I’m going to give you $1,000,000 to play for in the final round! But first, time to lose one more member of the team. Who is setting the women’s lib movement back 500 years?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
Saavik was the strongest link in that round. Valeris was the most humiliated link in that round. Let’s see who gets the proverbial boot...
HOST
Voting over, ladies.
VALERIS
Nurse Chapel.
SAAVIK
Nurse Chapel.
CHAPEL
Anybody but me.
HOST
Saavik, why have you suddenly voted for Nurse Chapel?
SAAVIK
Because I think she did give birth to Deanna Troi, and she should really be executed for that...
VALERIS
Ditto.
HOST
Nurse Chapel, with two votes. you are the Weakest Link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) CHAPEL
They haven’t seen the last of me! I’m slated to play four roles in Enterprise!!

Final Round

HOST
Okay, you Vulcan vixens. One million dollars up for grabs. I’m going to ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most right wins. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Valeris, according to Starfleet regulations, what engines should you be using while exiting spacedock?
VALERIS
One-quarter impulse power!
HOST
Wrong! The correct answer is aft-thrusters.
VALERIS
Damn you, Kirk!!
HOST
Saavik, what were Captain Spock’s dying words?
SAAVIK
“Live long and prosper.”
HOST
Wrong... You twit! He’s still alive!
SAAVIK
Oh God, and that was my first appearance, too...
HOST
Valeris, what is the perfect drink for diplomatic functions?
VALERIS
Romulan Ale.
HOST
Wrong... You twit! That stuff is illegal!
VALERIS
Damn you again, Kirk! “Officer’s thinking,” my ass!
HOST
Saavik, what were David Marcus’ dying words?
SAAVIK
“Ouch”?
HOST
I’ll accept that!
HOST
And that’s it for today, ladies. Saavik, you win one million dollars!! Valeris, you go home with nothing!
(Backstage) SAAVIK
One million bucks! Now I have another fascinating story to tell at all those endless conventions!
(Backstage) VALERIS
So she won, who cares? I don’t ever see her on Sex and the City.
HOST
Goodbye!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.