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The Weakest Link: The Trek Children Edition

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published June 2, 2001

VOICE-OVER
Tonight, one of these snot-nosed brats could win One Million Dollars. But first they’ll have to contend with each other. The host will have to contend with all of them, which is why we’ve given her extra Tylenol. As we play...The Weakest Link!!
Q2
Hello. I am Q2. Son of the famous Q. If I ever have a child, I might name him Q2, too.
CHARLIE X
Hello. I’m Charlie X. Me and my mother, Madame X, hail from the infamous Planet X.
NAOMI
Hello. I’m Naomi Wildman. Bridge assistant extraordinare.
ICHEB
Hello. I’m Icheb, reformed Borg drone. And I have to deal with Naomi.
ARTIM
Hello. I’m Artim, you’ll remember me as the annoying “Don’t you ever play” kid from Insurrection.
WESLEY
Hello, I’m Wesley Crusher. I don’t expect to be here too long, so I’ve left my car running.
HOST
Hello team. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST
Q2, Who was the last person to play the scarecrow in the Q Continuum?
Q2
Can I use one of my lifelines? I wish to Phone-a-Q.
HOST
Wrong show.
HOST
Charlie, according to Miss Manners, what is the proper way to introduce yourself to a lady?
CHARLIE X
Smack her on the ass.
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Naomi, which explorer conquered Mexico?
NAOMI
Indiana Jones.
HOST
Wrong! You’ve been taking Chakotay’s history class, haven’t you?
HOST
Icheb, what is the name of Naomi’s mother?
ICHEB
I didn’t realize she had a mother.
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Artim, who invented the Xerox machine?
ARTIM
The what?
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Wesley, how many stars are found in this galaxy?
WESLEY
6,233,475,047.
HOST
Wrong... Idiot!! The correct answer is 6,233,475,047
WESLEY
That’s what I said!
HOST
Who cares? This is my show, and you’re history!
HOST
Time’s up, team. And thanks to the inept Wesley Crusher, you have banked absolutely nothing!! Which of your teammates needs to go back to Kindergarten and eat the Play-Doh?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Wesley Crusher was the weakest link in that round. The strongest link was... Oh, who cares. The important thing to note is that Wesley Crusher was the weakest link. That’s Wesley Crusher: C-R-U-S-H-E-R.
HOST
Voting over, team. Let’s save everybody some time. Did anybody not vote for Wesley Crusher?

(Crickets chirping.)

HOST
That’s what I thought. Wesley Crusher, with every vote in the cosmos. You are the weakest link! Goodbye!!
(Backstage) WESLEY
Who cares? I don’t. Besides, I’m late for the luncheon with my fan club. We’re up to two members now... If you count me and my mother!

Round Two

HOST
Okay team. We’ve gotten the formalities out of the way. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Q2, what was the name of the famous court case that made abortion legal?
Q2
Q v Q?
HOST
Wrong! Roe v. Wade.
HOST
Charlie, what song was made famous by the musical duo known as Spock/Uhura?
CHARLIE
All I know is that it was a very brief song... Mwaaa ha ha ha ha!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Naomi, who was the first cosmonaut launched into space?
NAOMI
I do so have a mother, she’s just been very very busy!!
HOST
Wrong! Try to stay on topic, Naomi.
HOST
Icheb, what was Seven of Nine’s involvement in Unimatrix Zero?
ICHEB
I’d rather not talk about Seven of Nine.
HOST
Hmmmm... Turn down your advances, did she?
ICHEB
Repeatedly!!
HOST
Artim, what computer language is used most often?
ARTIM
I don’t know! My people have rejected technology! Don’t you have any questions with a Little House on the Prairie theme?
HOST
No dice!
HOST
Good grief, kids. You banked nothing once again. And people wonder why the Japanese are ahead of us. Which of these little monsters needs to go back to Tinker Toys?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Icheb was the strongest link in that round. Mainly because he’s had to deal with Naomi for so long. Charlie X was the weakest link. Although he did bring a merciful end to that dreadful song: “Oh Charlie’s our new darling.” But will the team have noticed?
HOST
Voting over! Let’s see the results...
Q2
Naomi.
CHARLIE
Q2.
NAOMI
Q2.
ICHEB
Q2.
ARTIM
Q2.
HOST
Q2, why have you voted for Naomi?
Q2
She completely blew her question. She was too busy trying to explain about that mother.
HOST
You watch your language!
Q2
No, I meant her mother.
HOST
Oh. Icheb, why have you voted for Q2?
ICHEB
The only reason he’s here is because his daddy played Q all those years. And I can’t stand nepotism!
HOST
Q2, with four votes. You are the weakest link.... Goodbye!
(Backstage) Q2
So what if they vote me off. Who cares? I’ve gotten to see Seven of Nine naked. I have seen the promised land!

Round Three

HOST
Okay, you little brats. No allowance banked so far. Pity. But here goes nothing. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Charlie, what method did Allied Forces use to invade Normandy?
CHARLIE
They closed their eyes and broke the enemy’s legs?
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Naomi, who did Marlon Brando portray in The Godfather?
NAOMI
Neelix?
HOST
Wrong! You’re confusing your godfathers, dear.
NAOMI
Jor-El?
HOST
Shut up! It’s not your turn anymore!
HOST
Icheb, what type of pathogen was developed to disable the Borg?
ICHEB
There’s been so many. And this is only an hour show...
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Artim, what method of irrigation is most recommended for wheat fields?
ARTIM
My people have rejected agriculture too. Ever since they built the Pizza Hut...
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
You nitwits! You are still banking nothing! You just make me sick! Ugh! But time to vote off another team-mate. Who has difficulty finding Waldo?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!
VOICE-OVER
Icheb was the strongest link that round. He almost got his question right. Artim was the weakest link and keeps whining about his bedtime.
HOST
Let’s see the results, kiddies!
CHARLIE
Icheb.
NAOMI
Artim.
ICHEB
Artim.
ARTIM
Naomi.
HOST
Charlie, why have you voted for Icheb?
CHARLIE
Because his Borg pathogen theory is ridiculous! The Borg would have to be really really dumbed-down before such a plan would work.
HOST
Naomi, why have you voted for Artim?
NAOMI
He scares me. He’s got something crawling around his underpants.
ARTIM
It’s just my computer generated pet mouse!!
NAOMI
I thought your people rejected technology.
HOST
Artim, with two votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) ARTIM
I have to go home now.

Round Four

HOST
Okay, team. Obviously money doesn’t appeal to you, because you’ve banked nothing. Perhaps we should offer food stamps instead. But nevertheless, let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Charlie, what royal female figure is found on face cards of a standard playing deck?
CHARLIE
Janice Rand.
HOST
No!
HOST
Naomi, what is the most effective way to search for a Borg drone?
NAOMI
Set the scanners to the frequency of their cortical node.
HOST
Wrong! Oh grow up, Naomi!
HOST
Icheb, when a new lifeform is detected inside a Klingon female, what is usually the cause?
ICHEB
Pregnancy!
HOST
Wrong!! The correct answer is alien parasite... Idiot!
HOST
Time’s up. And you people have banked nothing! But don’t worry, we passed the collection plate around before the show and raised $47. But first, we have to eject one more person. Which of your teammates needs an intellectual spanking?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Charlie was the weakest link in that round. He missed that easy question about face cards. I’m afraid he’s not playing with a full deck. A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
HOST
Okay team, let’s see the results.
CHARLIE
The voice-over guy. For his lame pun.
NAOMI
Charlie.
ICHEB
Charlie.
HOST
Naomi, why have you voted for Charlie?
NAOMI
Because I would much rather play with Icheb in the final round. He’s a brilliant young man and I really look up to him.
HOST
Icheb, why did you vote for Charlie?
ICHEB
Because I’d much rather play against Naomi in the final round. She’s a moron and I’ll squash her like a bug.
NAOMI
Ouch!
HOST
Charlie, with two votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage)
CHARLIE: I put real turkeys in the food processors, and this is the thanks I get?

Final Round

HOST
Okay kids. Just the two of you now. Playing for $47. I’ll ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most right wins. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Icheb, how many Borg brats are there in the whole Collective?
ICHEB
Too many, unfortunately.
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Naomi, where do Ktarian eggs come from?
NAOMI
The dairy section of the grocery store.
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Icheb, why do the Borg keep sending only one ship to assimilate Earth?
ICHEB
I’ve been asking that question for years!
HOST
Sorry, not good enough.
HOST
Naomi, if you answer this question correctly, you win. Who was the first child born on Voyager?
NAOMI
Oh, I know this! I’m going to win this game!
WILDMAN
(from backstage) Naomi!! Dinner!!
NAOMI
Okay, mama. Sorry guys, I have to go.
HOST
Well Icheb, you win the $47 by default. You are tonight’s strongest link!!
(Backstage) ICHEB
I’ll be damned, she does have a mother!
(Backstage) NAOMI
Where the hell have you been??
HOST
Goodbye!!!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.