(Skip to Content)

The Weakest Link: The Vulcan Edition

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published June 4, 2001

This is what happens when I forget to take my medication... ☺

VOICE-OVER
Tonight, one of these six Vulcans could win one million dollars. But they’ll have to work as a team and then murder each other, or something like that. As we play... The Weakest Link!
VORIK
Hello, I am Vorik. I work in Voyager’s Engineering section once every three years.
SPOCK
Hello, I am Spock. You know, that green blooded son-of-a...
SAREK
Hello, I am Sarek. I married a human female because they are far less frigid.
TUVOK
Hello, I am Tuvok. Indeed.
SAAVIK
Hello, I am Saavik. Didn’t I already win one of these contests?
SYBOK
Hello, I am Sybok. The never-before mentioned brother who has never been mentioned since.
HOST
Okay you party animals. Get ready!! Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST
Vorik, who was that female Vulcan seen in “Repression”?
VORIK
It was me. I was trying to be a drag queen, but it didn’t work out...
HOST
I’ll accept that!
HOST
Spock, how do you feel?
SPOCK
Huh?
HOST
How do you feel?
SPOCK
What??
HOST
How do you feel?
SPOCK
The question is irrelevant.
HOST
Moving on!
HOST
Sarek, how often does the Vulcan mating ritual occur?
SAREK
The politically correct answer is once every seven years, but me and my wife usually do it twice a week.
HOST
I’ll accept that!
HOST
Tuvok, what state is a little north of South Carolina?
TUVOK
North Carolina.
HOST
Correct!!
TUVOK
Indeed.
HOST
Saavik, what is the fifth book of the Bible?
SAAVIK
I don’t think I know.
HOST
Well, now you have something new to think about... Carry on.
HOST
Sybok, what does God need with a starship?
SYBOK
How else is he going to travel at warp speed??
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Time’s up. And you people have banked nothing! Logic suggests you are stupid. So now, who needs to be hung by their pointy little ears?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Sarek was the strongest link in that round. Saavik was the weakest link. And Vorik the cross-dresser was the weakest freak. Let’s see who gets the shaft...
HOST
Okay, team. Who did you vote for?
VORIK
Tuvok.
SPOCK
Sybok.
SAREK
Sybok.
TUVOK
Neelix.
SAAVIK
Sybok.
SYBOK
Spock.
HOST
Tuvok, why did you vote for Neelix? He’s not even here!
TUVOK
Indeed. But I just really hate him.
HOST
Saavik, why have you voted for Sybok?
SAAVIK
Are you serious? The sooner we get Sybok out of here, the sooner we can forget all about Star Trek V.
HOST
Aha! Sybok, with three votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!!
(Backstage) SYBOK
The God of Sha-Ka-Ree would not vote me off like this!!

Round Two

HOST
Okay you party-killers, time for the next round. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Vorik, which violent race of aliens are distant relatives of Vulcans?
VORIK
Well, I had a couple of cousins who did time for assault and battery... I don’t think I understand the question.
HOST
Moving on!
HOST
Spock, what is the main function of the Vulcan Kolinahr?
SPOCK
To get that really cool necklace.
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Sarek, during the Watergate scandal, who did President Nixon confess to?
SAREK
He would not have spoken of it openly!!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Tuvok, who invented the imaginary Vulcan death grip?
TUVOK
I don’t know that grip!!
HOST
Okay! Get a grip!
TUVOK
Indeed.
HOST
Saavik, did you have sexual relations with Spock on the Genesis Planet?
SAAVIK
It depends what you mean by sexual relations. But we did rub each other’s hands...
SAREK
Slut!!
HOST
I’ll accept that, Saavik.
HOST
Time’s up, everybody. You bankless babboons! Thankfully, it’s time to vote off another member of the team. Whose logic is way, way beyond flawed?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Vorik was the weakest link in the round... What a dork. Sarek was the strongest link, just because he got that slam in on Saavik. But will the team have noticed?
HOST
Okay... Let’s see what we can see...
VORIK
Tuvok!
SPOCK
Vorik.
SAREK
Vorik.
TUVOK
Vorik.
SAAVIK
Sarek!!
HOST
Twice now you’ve voted for Tuvok... Why?
VORIK
Because I’ve been playing the second-fiddle Vulcan for too long! Every single time a crewmember needs an emergency mind meld, Captain Janeway always goes running right for Tuvok... And I’m sick of it!
HOST
Tuvok, why have you voted for Vorik?
TUVOK
He’s a dork.
HOST
Vorik, with three votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!!
(Backstage) VORIK
This is very humiliating. But not quite as humiliating as they time Lt. Torres beat the crap out of me. I mean, she’s a girl for crying out loud!

Round Three

HOST
Okay folks. Let’s see if we can bank something this time, okay? Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
Spock, according to that old Vulcan proverb, only who would go to China?
SPOCK
The Chinese?
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Sarek, during a flash flood, how many pieces of bread should you put in your toaster?
SAREK
What does that question mean??
HOST
Just answer me!
SAREK
It is difficult to answer when one does not understand the question.
HOST
Moving on!!
HOST
Tuvok, how many Braille books were published in the 20th century?
TUVOK
How the hell should I know?? I never went blind!
HOST
Oh right... Reset button. I’ll give you that one.
TUVOK
Indeed.
HOST
Saavik, complete this famous phrase: “I laughed all the way to...”
SAAVIK
The gas chamber?
HOST
Wrong!!
HOST
What is wrong with you people! Ugh! Well... Time to vote off somebody else. Who is the least intellectual of you intellectual puppets?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Saavik was the weakest link in that round, and I do think she’s on drugs. Tuvok was the strongest link, even though he was blindsided (ba dum bum) by his question. Let’s see who gets the boot?
HOST
Okay team... Let’s see your votes.
SPOCK
Saavik.
SAREK
Spock.
TUVOK
Spock.
SAAVIK
Spock.
HOST
Spock, why have you voted for Saavik?
SPOCK
I can’t believe she told everybody about our hand job on the Genesis Planet!
HOST
Tuvok, why did you vote for Spock?
TUVOK
To quote a lesser-known Vulcan philosopher, the needs of the Tuvok outweigh the needs of the Spock.
HOST
Spock, with three votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) SPOCK
Are you sure it isn’t time for a colorful metaphor?

Round Four

HOST
Okay everybody. We are slowly reaching the end of the game... Thank God! So let’s hurry up and play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Sarek, on what episode did the Romulans first appear?
SAREK
Oh believe me... I know this one! “Balance of Terror”!!
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Tuvok, how many nebulas are in the Delta Quadrant?
TUVOK
432,047. And believe me, Voyager explored every last one of those damn things!
HOST
Correct!
TUVOK
Indeed.
HOST
Saavik, are you wearing your hair differently?
SAAVIK
It’s still regulation.
SAREK
Slut!!
HOST
I’ll accept that, Saavik.
HOST
Time’s up. I’ll be a sport and say it for you... Bank!! There, you now have $5,000 to play for in the final round. But time to vote off one more person. Who should die fast and suffer?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST
Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER
Sarek was the strongest link in that round. He answered his question with such vigor. Saavik was the weakest link. Granted, she got her question right, but I think she’d be pretty damn stupid if she didn’t know if her own hair was different...
HOST
Okay... Let’s see the results.
SAREK
Saavik.
TUVOK
Saavik.
SAAVIK
Anybody but Saavik.
HOST
Tuvok, why have you voted for Saavik?
TUVOK
Because her hair is not regulation!
HOST
Sarek, what about you?
SAREK
She was supposed to be a whole lot smarter than this.
SAAVIK
I’m aware of my responsibilities, Mister!
HOST
Saavik, with two votes. You are the weakest link...Goodbye!!
(Backstage) SAAVIK
Damn....

Final Round

HOST
Okay boys. This is it. I’ll ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most right wins. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Sarek, what is the most frequent way to display remorse?
SAREK
Spare me your human platitudes!
HOST
Moving on...
HOST
How many career home runs did Babe Ruth hit?
TUVOK
Ummmmmmm...
HOST
You don’t know?
TUVOK
Indeed.
HOST
Sarek, what type of serving platter is most popular at White House functions?
SAREK
Spare me your human platters.
HOST
Moving on...
HOST
Tuvok, complete this famous phrase: “A friend in need is a friend...”
TUVOK
Indeed.
HOST
Correct!!
HOST
Congratulations Tuvok, you win the $5,000! Sarek, you go home with nothing.
(Backstage) SAREK
I am not impressed by my performance in this crisis.
(Backstage) TUVOK
I haven’t had this much fun since I strangled Neelix on the Holodeck!!
HOST
Goodbye!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.