The Weakest Link: The Vulcan Edition

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published June 4, 2001

This is what happens when I forget to take my medication... ☺

VOICE-OVER: Tonight, one of these six Vulcans could win one million dollars. But they’ll have to work as a team and then murder each other, or something like that. As we play... The Weakest Link!
VORIK: Hello, I am Vorik. I work in Voyager’s Engineering section once every three years.
SPOCK: Hello, I am Spock. You know, that green blooded son-of-a...
SAREK: Hello, I am Sarek. I married a human female because they are far less frigid.
TUVOK: Hello, I am Tuvok. Indeed.
SAAVIK: Hello, I am Saavik. Didn’t I already win one of these contests?
SYBOK: Hello, I am Sybok. The never-before mentioned brother who has never been mentioned since.
HOST: Okay you party animals. Get ready!! Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST: Vorik, who was that female Vulcan seen in “Repression”?
VORIK: It was me. I was trying to be a drag queen, but it didn’t work out...
HOST: I’ll accept that!
HOST: Spock, how do you feel?
SPOCK: Huh?
HOST: How do you feel?
SPOCK: What??
HOST: How do you feel?
SPOCK: The question is irrelevant.
HOST: Moving on!
HOST: Sarek, how often does the Vulcan mating ritual occur?
SAREK: The politically correct answer is once every seven years, but me and my wife usually do it twice a week.
HOST: I’ll accept that!
HOST: Tuvok, what state is a little north of South Carolina?
TUVOK: North Carolina.
HOST: Correct!!
TUVOK: Indeed.
HOST: Saavik, what is the fifth book of the Bible?
SAAVIK: I don’t think I know.
HOST: Well, now you have something new to think about... Carry on.
HOST: Sybok, what does God need with a starship?
SYBOK: How else is he going to travel at warp speed??
HOST: Wrong!
HOST: Time’s up. And you people have banked nothing! Logic suggests you are stupid. So now, who needs to be hung by their pointy little ears?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER: Sarek was the strongest link in that round. Saavik was the weakest link. And Vorik the cross-dresser was the weakest freak. Let’s see who gets the shaft...
HOST: Okay, team. Who did you vote for?
VORIK: Tuvok.
SPOCK: Sybok.
SAREK: Sybok.
TUVOK: Neelix.
SAAVIK: Sybok.
SYBOK: Spock.
HOST: Tuvok, why did you vote for Neelix? He’s not even here!
TUVOK: Indeed. But I just really hate him.
HOST: Saavik, why have you voted for Sybok?
SAAVIK: Are you serious? The sooner we get Sybok out of here, the sooner we can forget all about Star Trek V.
HOST: Aha! Sybok, with three votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!!
(Backstage) SYBOK: The God of Sha-Ka-Ree would not vote me off like this!!

Round Two

HOST: Okay you party-killers, time for the next round. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST: Vorik, which violent race of aliens are distant relatives of Vulcans?
VORIK: Well, I had a couple of cousins who did time for assault and battery... I don’t think I understand the question.
HOST: Moving on!
HOST: Spock, what is the main function of the Vulcan Kolinahr?
SPOCK: To get that really cool necklace.
HOST: Wrong!
HOST: Sarek, during the Watergate scandal, who did President Nixon confess to?
SAREK: He would not have spoken of it openly!!
HOST: Wrong!
HOST: Tuvok, who invented the imaginary Vulcan death grip?
TUVOK: I don’t know that grip!!
HOST: Okay! Get a grip!
TUVOK: Indeed.
HOST: Saavik, did you have sexual relations with Spock on the Genesis Planet?
SAAVIK: It depends what you mean by sexual relations. But we did rub each other’s hands...
SAREK: Slut!!
HOST: I’ll accept that, Saavik.
HOST: Time’s up, everybody. You bankless babboons! Thankfully, it’s time to vote off another member of the team. Whose logic is way, way beyond flawed?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER: Vorik was the weakest link in the round... What a dork. Sarek was the strongest link, just because he got that slam in on Saavik. But will the team have noticed?
HOST: Okay... Let’s see what we can see...
VORIK: Tuvok!
SPOCK: Vorik.
SAREK: Vorik.
TUVOK: Vorik.
SAAVIK: Sarek!!
HOST: Twice now you’ve voted for Tuvok... Why?
VORIK: Because I’ve been playing the second-fiddle Vulcan for too long! Every single time a crewmember needs an emergency mind meld, Captain Janeway always goes running right for Tuvok... And I’m sick of it!
HOST: Tuvok, why have you voted for Vorik?
TUVOK: He’s a dork.
HOST: Vorik, with three votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!!
(Backstage) VORIK: This is very humiliating. But not quite as humiliating as they time Lt. Torres beat the crap out of me. I mean, she’s a girl for crying out loud!

Round Three

HOST: Okay folks. Let’s see if we can bank something this time, okay? Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST: Spock, according to that old Vulcan proverb, only who would go to China?
SPOCK: The Chinese?
HOST: Wrong!
HOST: Sarek, during a flash flood, how many pieces of bread should you put in your toaster?
SAREK: What does that question mean??
HOST: Just answer me!
SAREK: It is difficult to answer when one does not understand the question.
HOST: Moving on!!
HOST: Tuvok, how many Braille books were published in the 20th century?
TUVOK: How the hell should I know?? I never went blind!
HOST: Oh right... Reset button. I’ll give you that one.
TUVOK: Indeed.
HOST: Saavik, complete this famous phrase: “I laughed all the way to...”
SAAVIK: The gas chamber?
HOST: Wrong!!
HOST: What is wrong with you people! Ugh! Well... Time to vote off somebody else. Who is the least intellectual of you intellectual puppets?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER: Saavik was the weakest link in that round, and I do think she’s on drugs. Tuvok was the strongest link, even though he was blindsided (ba dum bum) by his question. Let’s see who gets the boot?
HOST: Okay team... Let’s see your votes.
SPOCK: Saavik.
SAREK: Spock.
TUVOK: Spock.
SAAVIK: Spock.
HOST: Spock, why have you voted for Saavik?
SPOCK: I can’t believe she told everybody about our hand job on the Genesis Planet!
HOST: Tuvok, why did you vote for Spock?
TUVOK: To quote a lesser-known Vulcan philosopher, the needs of the Tuvok outweigh the needs of the Spock.
HOST: Spock, with three votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) SPOCK: Are you sure it isn’t time for a colorful metaphor?

Round Four

HOST: Okay everybody. We are slowly reaching the end of the game... Thank God! So let’s hurry up and play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST: Sarek, on what episode did the Romulans first appear?
SAREK: Oh believe me... I know this one! “Balance of Terror”!!
HOST: Correct!
HOST: Tuvok, how many nebulas are in the Delta Quadrant?
TUVOK: 432,047. And believe me, Voyager explored every last one of those damn things!
HOST: Correct!
TUVOK: Indeed.
HOST: Saavik, are you wearing your hair differently?
SAAVIK: It’s still regulation.
SAREK: Slut!!
HOST: I’ll accept that, Saavik.
HOST: Time’s up. I’ll be a sport and say it for you... Bank!! There, you now have $5,000 to play for in the final round. But time to vote off one more person. Who should die fast and suffer?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!!
VOICE-OVER: Sarek was the strongest link in that round. He answered his question with such vigor. Saavik was the weakest link. Granted, she got her question right, but I think she’d be pretty damn stupid if she didn’t know if her own hair was different...
HOST: Okay... Let’s see the results.
SAREK: Saavik.
TUVOK: Saavik.
SAAVIK: Anybody but Saavik.
HOST: Tuvok, why have you voted for Saavik?
TUVOK: Because her hair is not regulation!
HOST: Sarek, what about you?
SAREK: She was supposed to be a whole lot smarter than this.
SAAVIK: I’m aware of my responsibilities, Mister!
HOST: Saavik, with two votes. You are the weakest link...Goodbye!!
(Backstage) SAAVIK: Damn....

Final Round

HOST: Okay boys. This is it. I’ll ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most right wins. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST: Sarek, what is the most frequent way to display remorse?
SAREK: Spare me your human platitudes!
HOST: Moving on...
HOST: How many career home runs did Babe Ruth hit?
TUVOK: Ummmmmmm...
HOST: You don’t know?
TUVOK: Indeed.
HOST: Sarek, what type of serving platter is most popular at White House functions?
SAREK: Spare me your human platters.
HOST: Moving on...
HOST: Tuvok, complete this famous phrase: “A friend in need is a friend...”
TUVOK: Indeed.
HOST: Correct!!
HOST: Congratulations Tuvok, you win the $5,000! Sarek, you go home with nothing.
(Backstage) SAREK: I am not impressed by my performance in this crisis.
(Backstage) TUVOK: I haven’t had this much fun since I strangled Neelix on the Holodeck!!
HOST: Goodbye!