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The Weakest Link: The Trek Captains Edition

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published June 3, 2001

Here we go... Once again. Yes, I do realize that I need to get a life! ☺

VOICE-OVER
Today, one of these six captains could win One Million Dollars. But I wouldn't hold your breath, you know these captains as well as I do. So let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
KIRK
I am Captain James T. Kirk. I am responsible for the lives of 430 crew members.
PICARD
I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard. I’m from the 24th Century where we have a more evolved sensibility... fire!!
JANEWAY
I am Captain Kathryn Janeway. And the only thing I hate more than the Prime Directive is the Temporal Prime Directive.
TERRELL
I am Captain Terrell of the USS Reliant. Something tells me I’ll be the first to go.
HARRIMAN
I am Captain Harriman of the Enterprise-B. I still don’t know how the hell I got that title.
PIKE
(Beep...Beep)
(VOICE-OVER)
That’s Captain Christopher Pike. Is that who you are, sir?
PIKE
(Beep...Beep)
HOST
Hello Captains, welcome aboard!
OUTRAGED FAN
Hey!! Where the hell is Captain Sisko??
(VOICE-OVER)
The writer of this program doesn’t know the first thing about Captain Sisko, so he has taken the UPN promo approach.
OUTRAGED FAN
I am outraged!!
HOST
Anyway! Let’s play...The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST
Kirk, Which cowardly Starfleet officer cheated his way through the Kobayashi Maru scenario?
KIRK (proudly)
Me!!
HOST
Correct!!
HOST
Picard, what brilliant musical group released the albums “Disintegration” and “Bloodflowers”?
PICARD
Don’t you have any opera questions?
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Janeway, in the Hanon System, what is the best way to start a fire?
JANEWAY
Chop off your hair!
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Terrell, who was the first person to run the four minute mile?
TERRELL
Um... I... Um...
HOST
Answer me!!
TERRELL
It is difficult... I try to obey...
HOST
Moving on!
HOST
Harriman, how many moons does Mars have?
HARRIMAN
Captain Kirk, I would appreciate any suggestions you might have...
KIRK
No way!
HOST
Moving on!
HOST
Pike, who was the first female to be elected to Congress?
PIKE
(Beep...Beep)
HOST
You’ll have to be more specific!
PIKE
(Beep...Beep)
HOST
Wrong!!
HOST
Ugh! Fools! You banked nothing! Time to vote off one of you people. Which of your team-mates needs to be whacked on the head with a captain’s log? (canned laughter)
HOST
Vote off... The Weakest Link!
(VOICE-OVER)
Janeway was the strongest link in the round. That should tell you that Voyager rules. Picard was the weakest link... He didn’t know that the answer to his question was The Cure. He makes me sick!
HOST
Voting over. Let’s see who you picked.
KIRK
Picard!!
PICARD
Harriman.
JANEWAY
Picard!!
TERRELL
Kirk.
HARRIMAN
Picard!!
PIKE
(Beep...Beep)
HOST
Captain Pike! I’ll need a real vote! Enough of this beeping business!
PIKE
(Beep...Beep)
HOST
That’s it!! I don’t care what the voting says! Captain Pike, you’ve been nothing but trouble since you got here. You are the weakest link... Get out of my face!!
(Backstage) PIKE
(Beep...Beep)

Round Two

HOST
Okay, I’m sorry you people had to put up with somebody so difficult. But now that’s behind us. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Kirk, how many alien females have you shagged?
KIRK
According to my log, well over a million. But in all honesty, it’s been about three.
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Picard, Kate Mulgrew played what role on Ryan’s Hope?
PICARD
I didn’t mean soap opera questions!!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Janeway, how many alien females have you shagged?
JANEWAY
I’d like to take a pass on this question, please.
HOST
Moving on!
HOST
Terrell, what did Mike Tyson do when he lost his bout for the boxing title?
TERRELL
He went... wild. He... slit their throats. He wanted to... tear the place apart...
HOST
I’ll accept that!
HOST
Harriman, when did the famous Yalta Conference take place?
HARRIMAN
Tuesday?
HOST
Wrong!!
HOST
What a horrible, wretched shame! You’ve banked nothing! Time to vote off somebody else. Which of your team-mates thinks the Neutral Zone is one of the gears of a car? (canned laughter)
HOST
Vote off... The Weakest Link!!
(VOICE-OVER)
Captain Kirk was the strongest link in that round. Captain Janeway was the weakest link. Which should prove that Voyager rules, right? Just shut up and say yes!
HOST
Voting over. Let’s see who bites it this time?
KIRK
Picard!!
PICARD
Harriman.
JANEWAY
Harriman.
TERRELL
Harriman.
HARRIMAN
Tuesday.
HOST
Janeway, why have you voted for Captain Harriman?
JANEWAY
I’ve seen Generations. I know he borrowed Tuvok without permission!
HOST
Kirk, why do you keep voting for Picard?
KIRK
The least I could do for the captain of the Enterprise.
HOST
Captain Harriman, with three votes. You are the Weakest Link... Goodbye!!
(Backstage): HARRIMAN
(sobbing) Signal the closest starship, I’m in no condition to drive myself home.

Round Three

HOST
You people have Zippo! And I ain’t talking about lighters! But let us continue on to the next round. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Kirk, what was the last name of your girlfriend, Antonia?
KIRK
How the hell should I know?? I never even heard of her until Generations came out!
HOST
I’ll accept that!
HOST
Picard, what famous opera has the word “phantom” in its title?
PICARD
The Phantom Menace!!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Janeway, how many shuttlecrafts did Voyager have when they arrived in the Delta Quadrant?
JANEWAY
947.
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Terrell, what phrase do doctors frequently utter when a dead organ donor arrives?
TERRELL
“Hmmmm... Maybe this is something we can transplant”?
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Round over. Nobody ever banks anymore! Has it become that out-of-style? Oh well, time to get rid of somebody. Which of your team-mates goes to Jupiter to get more stupider? (canned laughter)
HOST
Vote off... The Weakest Link!!
(VOICE-OVER)
Janeway was the strongest link in that round, mainly for having the foresight of requesting so many shuttlecrafts. Picard was the weakest link. Mr. “Evolved Sensibility” has missed three in a row. But did the team notice?
HOST
Okay team, let’s see the results.
KIRK
Picard!!
PICARD
Terrell.
JANEWAY
Terrell.
TERRELL
Kirk.
HOST
Kirk, once again you’ve voted for Picard. Why?
KIRK
Because like a poor marksman, he keeps missing the target!
HOST
Terrell, why have you voted for Kirk?
TERRELL
I’ve never even met Admiral Kirk.
HOST
Admiral?? Admiral! Admiral...... —I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yeah. Captain Terrell, with two votes. You are the Weakest Link... Goodbye!
(Backstage) TERRELL
So I lost? I’m not bitter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the Reliant in time to blow them to bits.

Round Four

HOST
Okay, team. Three people left. No money banked. And Voyager rules. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!
HOST
Kirk, who was the first Romulan the Enterprise did battle with?
KIRK
Spock’s father.
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Picard, who was the first Vulcan you had a mind meld with?
KIRK
The Romulan Commander.
HOST
I’ll accept that.
HOST
Janeway, did you sleep with that hologram from the Fair Haven holoprogram?
JANEWAY
I’ll have to take a pass on that one.
HOST
Moving on! —Wait, time’s up. And once again you banked nothing. But don’t worry, I managed to find $1.47 in my couch cushions this morning. So that’s what you’ll be playing for. But first, time to vote off one more person. Who’s brain was lost in the transporter beam? (canned laughter)
HOST
Vote off... The Weakest Link!
(VOICE-OVER)
Captain Kirk was the strongest link in that round. Captain Picard blatantly copied Kirk’s answer! Janeway was the weakest link, but she gets extra credit points for forgetting the whole “Fair Haven” debacle.
HOST
Okay team. Lets see the results!
KIRK
Janeway.
PICARD
Janeway.
JANEWAY
Picard.
HOST
Kirk, why did you vote for Janeway all of a sudden?
KIRK
Because I liked her better when she had her hair in a bun.
HOST
Janeway, why did you vote for Picard?
JANEWAY
Keeping with the hair theme, I voted for Picard because he’s the baldest person up here. Aside from Kirk, of course.
HOST
Janeway, with two votes. You are the Weakest Link... Goodbye!!
(Backstage): JANEWAY
So what? Who cares? Voyager still rules!

Final Round

HOST
Okay team. This is it. I’ll ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most right wins $1.47. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!
HOST
Kirk, if today is Thursday, what is tomorrow?
KIRK
Yesterday!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Picard, how many lights are found on the average traffic signal?
PICARD
There are four lights!
HOST
Wrong!
HOST
Kirk, the Enterprise stole the Romulan cloaking device during which famous incident?
KIRK
The Enterprise Incident!
HOST
Correct!
HOST
Picard, Seven of Nine once thought Voyager was part of what conspiracy?
PICARD
Watergate?
HOST
Wrong! The correct answer, of course, was the Voyager conspiracy!
HOST
Congratulations, Captain Kirk. You are the strongest link. Captain Picard, you leave with nothing!
(Backstage): PICARD
I go home with nothing?? I was promised 15 million dollars for my appearance!
(Backstage): KIRK
$1.47??!! Sweet! Now I can buy a couple dozen shares of Priceline.com stock!
HOST
Goodbye!!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.