The Adventures of Berman and Braga

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Berman and Braga really were out to destroy Star Trek? What if Gene Roddenberry suddenly returned from the dead to seek revenge on Rick Berman for ruining his creation? And what if Berman allied with other hated movie producers to create B-movie quality Star Trek films?

Fortunately, these things don’t happen in real life. But the way some fans gripe, you’d think it were all true. In the grand tradition of Cureboy’s The Voyager Coronary, the Trek BBS’s Johnny Octane wrote a short parody that mutates into a grand epic that spans the Earth, time, and subspace, and joins many diverse and wacky fictional realms together to create another one of the funniest parodies in existence!

Disclaimer: The Adventures of Berman and Braga and related stories are copyright © 2001-2003 Jason Reichstetter, and are reproduced with the permission of the author. Star Trek is a registered trademark of CBS Studios Inc. No copyright infringement is intended. This parody is for noncommercial purposes only. Read the complete legal notice for more information.

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!! Readers are advised to visit the restroom before reading this parody.

Star Trek: Generations II

Chapter 1: “Two Producers, One Destiny”
Rick Berman goes to the Nexus to seek out a legendary producer who can help save Voyager’s plunging ratings.
Chapter 2: “The Plot Thickens”
Rick Berman reveals a new plan for Star Trek — a series called Voyager!
Chapter 3: “The Broken Bow Incident”
Roddenberry makes a stop-over in Broken Bow, Oklahoma, and discovers the horrible future of Star Trek.
Chapter 4: “The Wrath of Berman”
Future-Beltran arrives on a secret mission, and Brannon Braga meets Mini-Berman!
Chapter 5: “Beltran’s Revenge”
Robert Beltran confronts Rick Berman, and tries to stop the filming of that horrible creation known as Voyager.
Chapter 6: “Roddenberry Arrives at Paramount”
Roddenberry tries to sneak into the Paramount lot, and Rick Berman reveals his evil plan to ruin Star Trek!
Chapter 7: “A New Hope”
Future-Beltran explains why Rick Berman must be stopped, and Berman devises a backup plan to destroy the original series.
Chapter 8: “Berman Takes Los Angeles”
Star Trek V starts playing in Los Angeles, Berman tries to contact President Bush, and Beltran’s gang attacks Berman’s lair!
Chapter 9: “Insurrection!”
Beltran’s gang begins the strong disagreement to preserve quality television, and Berman presents his ultimatum to a rather distracted President Clinton.
Chapter 10: “Berman’s Bad Day”
Berman & Co. use the Temporal Vortex to travel into the past... except someone is looking for a laugh at their expense.
Chapter 11: “We Love to See You Smile”
The Voyager cast starts their new jobs at McDonald’s, and the Temporal Vortex plays another practical joke on Berman!
Chapter 12: “The Menace That Is Also a Phantom”
Berman and Braga enter the Paramount offices in 1966, Future-Beltran escapes from his one inept guard, and William Shatner gets pissed off!
Chapter 13: “Shatner’s Can of Whoopass”
The premiere of Voyager gets bad reviews, and Future-Berman teams up with Shatner, Nimoy, and an android named Loads of Cash.
Chapter 14: “Berman’s Folly”
Future-Beltran and the gang try to break into the Star Trek offices, and a giant spinosaur wreaks havoc on the Paramount lot!
Chapter 15: “Endgame: The Final Battle”
Berman returns to 1994 to find everything falling apart around him, and the slug controlling Berman uses a devastating weapon, in the conclusion to this epic story!

Berman and Braga Return

Archivist’s Note: “Berman and Braga Return” was unfortunately lost during an unanticipated removal of old threads at the Trek BBS, before the stories were saved for future use. Sadly, there were no backups available...

Prologue: “The Delta Quadrant Incident”
At Paramount, Berman and Braga write the script for the latest episode of Voyager. Meanwhile, in another dimension, inexplicable changes are occurring on the starship Voyager.
Chapter 1: “A Situation in the Alpha Quadrant”
The Enterprise-E begins to notice disturbing lapses in continuity, while Berman announces his latest plan to ruin Star Trek... by taking over the Federation!
Chapter 2: “Attack of the Morons”
Not currently available.
Chapter 3: “Braga’s New Friend”
Not currently available.
Chapter 4: “Biller’s Kewl Idea”
Not currently available.
Chapter 5: “The Emperor’s New Groove”
Not currently available.
Chapter 6: “The Undestructable Starship”
Not currently available.
Chapter 7: “The Flanneled Menace”
Not currently available.
Chapter 8: “The Enterprise Incident”
Not currently available.
Chapter 9: “George Lucas Goes To Coruscant”
Not currently available.
Chapter 10: “A Problem on Coruscant”
Not currently available.
Chapter 11: “Escape From the Brig”
Not currently available.
Chapter 12: “Braga’s New Toy”
Not currently available.
Chapter 13: “Voyager’s Voyage Home”
Not currently available.
Chapter 14: “All Bad Things...”
Not currently available.
Chapter 15: “Endgame: What You Leave Ahead”
Not currently available.

Berman and Braga Strike Back

Chapter 1: “Berman’s New Scheme”
Berman reveals his latest scheme to ruin Star Trek — a series called Enterprise!
Chapter 2: “The Quickening”
Berman and Braga are confronted by Scott Bakula, Braga sets his eyes on Jolene Blalock, and a former Star Trek cast member tries halting the Enterprise production!
Chapter 3: “Berman and Braga Strike Back”
Berman develops a new, high-concept series called Deep Space Seven of Nine, the crew of DS9 lands in Los Angeles, and Dustin and Phil beg their mom to drive them to California!
Chapter 4: “Goldsman’s Revenge”
Scott Bakula faces off against Berman and Braga, Akiva Goldsman has some evil plans for his new series, and Phil and Dustin stop off in Broken Bow, Oklahoma.
Chapter 5: “Berman’s Backup Plan”
Berman and Goldsman head to their secret underground lair, Scott Bakula takes Brannon Braga hostage, and Zombie-Roddenberry seeks out Rick Berman!
Chapter 6: “The Call of the Dumbasses”
Berman and Goldsman prepare to film the new Star Trek movie, two FBI agents are sent to investigate Deep Space Nine, and something very, very bizarre happens to Rick Berman.
Chapter 7: “Joyride on the Highway to Hell”
Sick Berkett comes up with yet another evil plan: to combine the Voyager episodes “Fair Haven” and “Spirit Folk” with the resurrection of Captain Kirk!
Chapter 8: “Midgame: The Halftime Show”
The FBI Gang arrives in Los Angeles, Sisko is sent to the Shady Acres Looney Farm, and Sick Berkett threatens the United Nations.
Chapter 9: “Two Bermans, One Destiny”
Akiva Goldsman reveals an even more evil plan to ruin the Star Trek franchise, and a future version of Rick Berman arrives from the future!
Chapter 10: “The Final Dimension”
A new adversary challenges Sick Berkett’s plan to control the Star Trek franchise, Sisko is questioned by Mulder and Scully, and Connor MacLeod tells the story of how he met the immortal, Rick Berman.
Chapter 11: “Peters and Goldsman’s Sinister Plot”
Braga is tempted by the Dark Side of Filmmaking, and Peters’ evil, evil plan is finally revealed!
Chapter 12: “Escape from the Looney Bin”
Captain Sisko and the other whackos plot to escape from the Looney Bin, Phil and Dustin argue about the most “interesting” Voyager episodes, and Brannon Braga is tempted again by the Dark Side of Filmmaking!
Chapter 13: “The Battle Begins”
Sisko, the MacLeods, the Trekkies, and Berman’s gang join forces to take down Goldsman and Peters.
Chapter 14: “To Whom the Console Explodes”
Pretty much everyone joins the climactic battle of “Berman and Braga Strike Back”, Connor gets his revenge on Goldsman, and Berman and Braga are driven off from the secret lair.
Chapter 15: “Endgame”
There’s an uproar at the LAX airport as our heroes try to return home, and an unexpected character returns to terrorize Berkett, Berman, and Braga!

Berman and Braga Unemployed

Chapter 1: “The New Movie”
A dark cloud hangs over Paramount Pictures... Berman discovers that Star Trek: Nemesis isn’t doing quite as well as he thought, and he and Braga are given a nasty surprise!
Chapter 2: “Armageddon... The Sequel”
Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer are busy filming a fascinating and entertaining sequel to Armageddon, and Berman and Braga have a run-in on the wrong side of town.
Chapter 3: “The Story Meeting”
Bruckheimer and Ewing work on an “inspired” story about Captain Kirk and some spacefaring squids, and Berman comes up with another plan to get back to ruining Star Trek.
Chapter 4: “George Luca$ Meets Rick Berman”
The title says it all... Berman and Braga infiltrate 20th Century Fox to try to make another Star Trek movie, and Bruckheimer gets a letter from Ewing.
Chapter 5: “A Revelation is Revealed”
Berman and Braga are taken to Luca$’s dungeon, as a mysterious bald-headed man watches on with plans of his own...
Chapter 6: “The Wrath of Temporal Vortex”
Patrick Stewart and Avery Brooks make some plans for Star Trek, and Berman, Braga, and Luca$ get homesick.
Chapter 7: “Berman’s Creek”
Patrick Stewart and the gang travel back in time to meet Berman and Braga in high school. (It’s not a pretty sight.)
Chapter 8: “The Wrath of Mr. Mathers”
We meet Berman and Braga in their teenage years, when they smoked pot in algebra class and were the target of the school bullies, Lucas, Moore, and Behr.
Chapter 9: “Back to the Future”
Braga gets an incredible idea for a new Star Trek series, called Fleet Watch, and Avery Brooks’s Ford Expedition draws some attention.
Chapter 10: “Endgame - The Ultimate Showdown”
Berman and Braga have their revenge on the set of Star Trek: Regurgitation and try to reclaim their rightful place as the destroyers of Star Trek!

Berman and Braga Reloaded

Episode 1: “A New Hope”
It is a dark time for Paramount Pictures. Following the disappointing reactions to Enterprise and Star Trek: Nemesis, Berman and Braga have gathered an all-new team to help revitalize the franchise!
Episode 2: “Paramount Strikes Back”
Berman and Braga begin work on their Star Trek remake, and Jolene Blalock sets up a very special surprise for her employers.

Berman and Braga: Special Feature Episodes

The Berman and Braga Halloween Special
Mr. Berman gathers his creative staff together to create a very special Voyager Halloween episode... written by Brannon Braga.
A Rick Berman Christmas Carol
On Christmas Eve, Mr. Berman is visited by four ghosts from his past, who try to show him the errors of his evil, evil ways.
A Very Special “Crossing Over with John Edward”
Two familiar people get a chance to communicate with the dead... but the experience is not at all what they expected.
The Enterprise Meets the Borg
Find out what happens when the crew of the NX-01 run into a familiar — that is, unfamiliar — alien race!
Braga’s Kewl Story Pitch: A Short Story
Get a special glimpse at the production process of the hit UPN series, Enterprise, when Brannon Braga pitches a kewl story idea about the NX-01 crew getting kidnapped by evil Bajorans.
The Negotiator (Part 1)
Berman decides to reimagine the Star Trek franchise and recruits the talent behind Hollywood’s worst remakes to help.
The Press Conference (Part 2)
The reimagining of Star Trek hits an unexpected snag when sudden changes are made to the script—in the middle of the press conference!