Berman and Braga Unemployed, Chapter 7: “Berman’s Creek”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
ZAP! A swirl of bright lights and some simmering shapes appear in the noon daylight in the humble town of Berman’s Creek. Three figures emerge from the swirling vortex of energy. These three beings AVERY BROOKS, PATRICK STEWART and LOADS OF CASH.
Temporal Vortex: BEHOLD! THE TEMPORAL VORTEX OPENS!
Stewart: Excellent. We have arrived.
(The three look around)
Stewart: But, what is the date? Loads of Cash, I need to know the exact date.
(Loads of Cash looks around the surrounding landscape, which is actually the Berman’s Creek downtown park)
Loads of Cash: From the amount of marijuana smoke in the atmosphere and all the hippies walking around, I’d estimate we’ve arrived in the early 1970s.
Brooks: Very good. Let’s go. We need to find Berman and Braga.
(The three walk off toward the Berman’s Creek High School)
At the Berman’s Creek High School, the midday English class is letting out. Two classmembers slam their books shut and shove them into their backpacks. These two classmembers go by the name of Ricky Berman and Brannon Braga. Neither of these two are recognizable due to their tie-dyed shirts and long-ass hair and beards and purple sunglasses.
Berman: Let’s get out of here, man!
(The two go into the hallway, where someone catches their eye)
Berman: What’s so funny, man?
(Braga points to a guy with short hair and wearing a button up shirt and dress pants. On his face rest circular glasses. Berman starts laughing, too)
Berman: Come on man, let’s go kick his ass.
(The guy looks up. It is RONALD D. MOORE)
Moore: Oh, shit.
(Berman and Braga walk up to Moore, who is fumbling to put his books in his backpack)
Berman: Hey, what’s up, “Ronald?”
Moore: Leave me alone, guys. I’m trying to get to my creative writing course. And my name is Ronald D.
Braga: What’s the “D.” stand for, “Dumbass?” (Braga starts laughing hard and lays down on the ground, clutching his gut in pain)
Moore: For your information, the D stands for Dwight.
(At this, Berman and Braga laugh harder. A big beefy guy walks up and shoves Berman to the ground)
Behr: Hey, leave my friend alone, hippie.
(Berman gets up from the ground)
Berman: You stay out of this, Ira. This is between me and Dwight.
Behr: Well, Ronald D. is my friend, and I suggest you leave him alone, or else it’s stoner bashing time. (Behr beats his fist into his hand)
Berman: Quick, Brannon, grab this guy.
Braga: Okay, Ricky! (Braga heads toward Behr)
(Behr slugs Braga in the stomach. Braga falls to the ground)
Berman: You just made a big mistake, Behr! (Berman lunges toward Behr. Behr whistles)
(At this, several guys walk up)
Braga: (Eyes wide) Ah, Ricky, I think you might want to leave Mr. Behr alone.
Berman: No, I’m going to kick his ass.
(Rene Echevarria and Robert Hewitt Wolfe tap Berman on the shoulder. Berman looks up and turns a ghostly shade of white)
Berman: Ga... a-gah...
Echevarria: Don’t you have a pre-algebra class to go to, Berman?
(Berman is unable to talk)
Wolfe: (Slaps Berman upside the head) Go on! Get out of here!
(Berman and Braga run off, running down the hallway and crashing into the students coming out of home ec class)
Patrick Stewart, Avery Brooks and Loads of Cash are walking down the main street of Berman’s Creek, walking toward Berman’s Creek High School. They are halted by the town’s constable, CONSTABLE GREER.
Greer: You three fellas don’t look too familiar, I reckon.
Stewart: Yes, well, we are friends from out of town. We’re here to visit some friends.
Greer: Who’s yer friend?
Loads of Cash: Rick Berman.
(Constable Greer gets a wild look on his face)
Greer: You don’t need to be messing with this Berman kid. He’s bad news. Can smell it all over him. I suggest ye get back in yer car and go away, if you know what’s good for you.
Loads of Cash: You see...
Stewart: (Butts in) Ah, yes, Constable. We’ll just head on out of town after we get a bite to eat. We’ve been traveling all night.
Greer: Good to hear. Take care now, ya hear?
(Constable Greer walks off and Stewart waves at him)
Ricky Berman and Brannon Braga are sitting under the bleachers of the high school, wallowing in self pity.
Berman: That damned Moore and his cronies. I’ll get him, yet.
Braga: Come on, Ricky. It’s not too bad. At least we did get a couple of hits in on Moore.
Berman: No, we didn’t.
Braga: Oh, yeah.
(Berman and Braga look through the cheerleaders where a fine looking cheerleader walks up to the star basketball player)
Braga: (Mouth watering) Wow! Jeri Taylor! She is one groovy cat!
Berman: Yeah. (Berman’s mood turns foul as Taylor plays tongue hockey with the basketball player. The player has a fro and is wearing a plaid jersey. Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait” starts playing) Damned George Lucas. I could have her if it wasn’t for him.
Braga: Let’s get out of here. This is too depressing.
Berman: I’ll tell you, Brannon. Some day, I’m going to leave Berman’s Creek. And I’ll make it big in the world.
Braga: Come on, Ricky! Let’s smoke a joint! We can go back to your house!
Berman: (Looks at his watch) Ah, hell, we can’t. Star Trek is on and my dad will be watching it.
Braga: (Harrumphs to himself) “Star Trek.” What a joke.
Berman: Come on, let’s get out of here.
(Berman and Braga leave the school, just as three ominous figures interrogate the gym teacher about the whereabouts of Berman and Braga. Uh-oh)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Trouble in Berman’s Creek! Braga two-times Berman and Lucas and gets Jeri Taylor! Ronald D. Moore and Ira Behr plot revenge against Berman! Stewart, Brooks, and Loads of Cash comb Berman’s Creek searching for Berman and Braga! The hunt is on! Stay Tuned!