Berman and Braga: “The Enterprise Meets the Borg”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Archivist’s Note: This story was originally written in May 2002, mainly as a joke in reaction to the appearance of the Ferengi in the Enterprise episode “Acquisition.” Little did Jason know that parody would become reality...
Captain Jonathan Archer stood on the bridge of the NX-01 and gaped at the sight before him. “Malcolm, polarize the hull plating!”
“Aye, sir,” said the British armory officer, punching the commands into Enterprise’s systems. “Hull plating polarized.”
“What the hell is that thing, Cap’n?” asked Commander Charles “Trip” Tucker III. “It looks like a danged Rubik’s cube.” Indeed, the cube-shaped vessel appeared out of nowhere in a blinding flash of light.
“That kind of a ship design is highly efficient,” said Subcommander T’Pol. “The vessel has power conduits throughout the entire structure of the cube,” T’Pol glanced down into her scanner. “Any damage we inflict upon it will be very minor,”
“Son of a bitch,” Trip said, standing beside Archer. “That damn thing looks like it wouldn’t be able to travel more than warp two... it’s not sleek or aerodynamic at all!”
“Mr. Mayweather, prepare to set evasive maneuvers...” Archer said, glancing down at the grinning helmsman.
Ensign Travis Mayweather sat at his seat and grinned. “Boy, Captain, this reminds me of the time my family ran into some Orion pirates... although they didn’t travel on no cube-shaped ships!”
“Shut up, Travis,” Archer said sternly.
“Captain,” Ensign Hoshi Sato said from her position at the communication station. “We are receiving a transmission.”
“Patch it through.”
The speakers blared. “VORCHIK GRU YEC BORG! UNDRI HNAGH GHEIOEURU UND SINMEMTNEHR YON GASLKFJ! AW;OD FKSDFJKLSDJ AUU LKSJFSDKL BSAKJFKDJS UND TENDLKJALKVJ DAS;DFGKJASDLKFJ DU OUR FOASEIJRT! RESJLKNM ZET FUTILE!”
Captain Archer scowled. “I need a translation, Ensign!”
“I can’t make out the race, Captain!” Hoshi said. “But basically the message tells us that resistance is futile and to unpolarize our hull plating!”
Captain Archer contemplated for a second. “Hoshi, put the alien captain onscreen.”
“We only have audio, Captain!”
“Sounds like somebody don’t want to be seen, Cap’n!” observed Trip.
“Hoshi, translate this message and send it. ‘I am Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise. We are here on a mission of exploration. You are invited over to Enterprise to dine with me and my officers.’ End transmission.”
“S;DLFKJASD;KF! RESIAOSDFUASD;IF ZET FOIUJF!”
“What in tarnation was that?” Trip asked.
“They keep saying resistance is futile, and they want to know why we refer to our vessel as only ‘Enterprise’ and not ‘the Enterprise...’”
A high warbling sound emitted from the bridge and several Borg drones transported over, heading toward Captain Archer.
“Captain, they’re bloody invading us!” shouted Reed. Reed pulled out his phase pistol and fired some shots, killing a couple of Borg, but then the shots had no effect on the remaining drones.
“Hot damn!” Trip yelled. “The phase pistols have no effect!”
The crew looked like they were outnumbered.
Suddenly, another warbling sound appeared out of nowhere, and a blinding flash of light appeared and blinded everybody on the bridge. The light deposited an Asian-looking male, wearing a black jumpsuit with an orange shoulder, purple turtleneck, and a round circle on the turtleneck.
“C-C-Captain?!?” exclaimed the Asian male with the futuristic-looking Starfleet insignia on his chest. “Captain? Commander Chakotay?!? Tom!” The Asian looked in distress as a Borg drone walked up and inserted its assimulation tubules into the ensign’s neck. “Aaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhh!”
The male fell to the ground, where Enterprise’s crew looked in shocked disbelief as the male started growing cybernetic devices out of every orifice. The Borg drones started convulsing and sparking. Suddenly speaking human, the drones accessed the knowledge held by the Asian male. “TACHYON PARTICLE FIELD! SUBATOMIC TETRYON PARTICLE FLUX! NANOPROBES! SPOROSYTHIAN LIFE SIGNS! CAPTAIN JANEWAY IS HOT! BLAAARRRRRGGGG!” The drones exploded into a million pieces and the male as well as the blood, guts, and cybernetic components, were transported back to the cube.
“Mr. Reed,” Archer said, “fire a torpedo at that ship.”
“With pleasure,” Reed said, smiling, as a primitive-looking torpedo sailed across the vast expanse of space and ricocheted harmlessly off the Borg cube. The cube promptly exploded for no reason whatsoever.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” Trip said.
“Golly gee!” exclaimed Travis Mayweather.
Archer just smiled and sat down in his chair. “Mr. Mayweather, let’s see what’s out there. Straight and steady.”
The entire Enterprise crew had goofy smiles on their faces.
In the Suliban Temporal Helix, Future Guy was busy chewing out Silik. “Silik, I asked you to do a simple job and you failed to carry out my orders.”
“I’m sorry!” Silik bawled. “It won’t happen again!”
“I’ll see to that!” Future Guy said. “Although the death of Ensign Kim was pretty funny, it still did not do the damage to the timeline I intended! I was aiming to screw up continuity!”
“Jon was too much!” Silik pleaded. “He’s too well equipped!”
“Leave this place,” Future Guy said. “I plan to plot more devious schemes. We will destroy the Federation, I guarantee it.”
The Temporal Helix’ fancy shmancy light show turned off.
Somewhere else, a lone figure stepped out of a different Temporal Helix. He walked up to a man named Brannon Braga.
Braga: Were the Suliban successful?
Berman: No, and the Borg did not do any damage to Enterprise or the founding of the Federation.
Braga: Blast it!
Berman: No need to worry (Berman said, smiling) We’ll still make a shitload of money. Come, Brannon, let’s go surf the Trek BBS! Let’s see what the fans have to say about our new Temporal Cold War episode!
Braga: I’ll bet they’ll be bitching about continuity!
Berman: (Laughs) Enterprise doesn’t know they met the Borg! They never got the name. Just like the Ferengi. (Berman started cackling madly)
Braga: Oh! I have an idea for a kewl new episode where Enterprise runs into the Kazon! It’ll have kewl explosions and kewl action scenes and we can have Dr. Phlox running around in his underwear! And they can visit Fair Haven... and... and...
(Berman chuckled and put an arm around Braga’s shoulder, the two of them walking down the hallway, back to Berman’s office.)