What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

Written by Unknown

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did...

Helpline: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?

Customer: What’s an ignition?

Helpline: It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?


Helpline: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know!?

Helpline: There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from “E” to “F.” Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: It’s pointing to “E.” What does that mean?

Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.

Customer: What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!


Helpline: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars suck!

Helpline: What’s wrong?

Customer: It crashed, that’s what went wrong!

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!

Helpline: It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!


Helpline: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.

Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?

Customer: How do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!