“Captain’s Log, Stardate 24-36-42-HIKE!: We have picked up a distress call coming from Outpost 7. Or was that Outpost 8? Whatever, I’m not sure. I don’t know, I don’t do outposts. The outposts are somewhere over thataway. Near the Romulan Neutral Zone. Anyway, they say that they are in trouble. Hence they called us. Uhura has finally managed to establish contact with... the... outpost in question, and we hope to have more answers soon.”
“Someone is answering our hail, captain.” Uhura reports. “It’s Commander Hanson, from Outpost 4.”
“I think I’ll hold out for Outpost 7 or 8.” Kirk responded. “Let him listen to soothing music.”
“Yes, sir.” Uhura replied. “...Captain, he’s being rather insistent.”
“Fine then!” Kirk yelled. “Let’s see what’s soooo important, that even soothing music wouldn’t do. Put him on screen. Get rid of that starscape screensaver thing, Sulu.”
“Aye, sir, getting rid of starscape screensaver thing.” Sulu replied as he pushed a button.
An image appears on screen of a battle-torn control room of Outpost 4. “Captain Kirk! Thank goodness you’re here! We’re being attacked by an invisible enemy! There... there’s nothing we can do against it! We can’t even see it! You’re nearly in range... you can save us, captain!!!”
“An invisible enemy, eh?” Kirk responded. “I’m sorry, but it seems that we won’t be in range in time...”
“Actually captain, we will arrive there in ample time to save Outpost 4, and defeat this invisible entity.” Spock reported, studying his readings.
“Really, Spock?” Kirk asked. He turned to Commander Hanson. “If I could put you on hold for just one moment, Commander. We have another call coming in. And I have a Vulcan to maim.”
“Captain’s Log, Stardate 36-24-36: Oh, what a winning hand! Mr. Spock seems to have met with an unfortunate ‘accident’ and has been taken to Sickbay. I’m now ready to recommence my conversation with Commander Hanson.”
“...As I was saying, Commander Hanson, absolutely no way we can get there in time and take on a virtually unbeatable enemy, so you’re just going to have to try and... hold out for a while longer.” Kirk explained.
“Yeah... well, I understand.” Hanson agreed. “I suppose. But we could use your help. We’re losing shields... and life support... and the damage report console is damaged... and the seat at the environmental control systems now jiggles back and forth... it’s looking bad....”
Captain Kirk walked over to the comm panel brandishing a baseball bat. “Yeah well, I hate to say it, but we seem to be losing your signal!”
“Can you tell my daughter that I love her?” Commander Hanson asked.
Kirk paused. “How old is she?”
“Seven.” Commander Hanson answered.
Kirk smashed the comm console, then swaggered back to his command chair tapping his bat in a threatening manner.
“Are we fashionably late for our ‘we just missed out on saving the day’ entrance?” He asked.
“Almost.” Sulu reported. “Outpost 4 is under heavy attack. Commander Hanson can’t have long.”
Kirk shook his head sadly. “Shame, shame, shame. We were only just getting to know each other.”
“Captain, if I could interrupt your speech, we do have time to save Outpost 4 from a dangerous invisible enemy.” Sulu said.
“Is our insurance paid up yet?” Kirk asked.
“Shame, shame, shame.” Kirk began again. “If only there were more Starfleet officers like him. So dedicated....”
“Captain’s Log, Supplemental: What, do you think I would use all my good stardates in the first Coronary? Spock has returned to his post at the bridge, and we have arrived, too late... and since this is the official report that the starfleet bigwigs are reading I’ll say this: I only wish we had gotten here faster. Oh, and Admiral Watkins, I’d just like to say you look fabulous. Have you lost weight!?”
“Scanning the debris of outpost 4.” Spock reported. “Commander Hanson is dead.”
“Shame, shame, shame...”
“Captain!!!” Sulu yelled. “A hostile ship is decloaking of the starboard bow!”
“Shields!” Kirk ordered.
“They’re firing their weapons!” Sulu yelled.
“I heard you, I get the idea!” Kirk yelled back. “Evasive maneuvers!!”
“The helm’s offline, captain!”
“Quickly, all decks, run to the left!”
Everyone instantly jumps out of their chair and run to the left, the weapon just missing.
“I’ve never seen a weapon like that!” Kirk said.
Spock stared at his instruments. “Neither have I. If my theory is correct, it’s some kind of highly advanced pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style weapon.”
“A pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style weapon.” Kirk repeated.
“They’re firing their weapons... Er... Pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style weapons!!!!!!” Sulu yelled.
“Mr. Sulu, please keep it quiet. Remember who holds the baseball bat.” Kirk said, tapping his bat gently.
“Aye sir. Remembering who holds the baseball bat.” Sulu answered quietly.
“Captain, I believe I have a solution to stop these attacks.” Spock suddenly reported. “We fire back.”
“Fire back?” Kirk asked. “Do you think that will work? Sulu, fire back!!”
“Aye, sir. Firing back.” Sulu reported. “Direct hit. We have disabled their cloak. Captain! A hostile is decloaking off the starboard bow!!!”
“Who is it now!?” Kirk asked. “Some other unbeatable foe?!”
“Apologies captain, just practicing.”
The turbolift suddenly opened. Kirk turned and looked at McCoy. “Hello, Doctor. Coming up for your token appearance, I see.”
“Just coming up to exchange some witty remarks with Spock.” McCoy agreed. “Spock, you are a pointy-eared Vulcan.”
“And you are an illogical human.” Spock replied without looking up.
“A pleasure as always.” McCoy finished with a nod as he left the bridge.
“Captain, the hostile ship is hailing us!” Uhura reported.
“Onscreen.” Kirk ordered.
The view of a damaged bridge appeared on the screen. An individual stepped up.
“Father!!!” Spock yelled. Everyone ignored him, of course.
“I congratulate you for disabling my shields, weapons, engines, coffee-makers, and vibrating beds in one decisive attack, captain. We are now going to blow ourselves up.” The individual said.
“So, you’re evil Vulcans.” Kirk commented.
“That will do for now.” The evil Vulcan agreed. “You can call me Evil Vulcan Commander.”
“Do you have a name?”
“No. Just Evil Vulcan Commander will be fine. Or to my friends, just plain ‘evil.’ Let us blow up in peace.”
“Captain’s Log, stardate badda-bim badda-boom: The evil Vulcan threat has been neutralized. I’m not exactly sure how that happened, but the writer had run out of ideas, and personally, I’m not complaining. It was getting to the point where he was going to beam me over with my baseball bat and let me show the evil Vulcans a real pain-in-the-ass weapon, I was glad it didn’t come to that. Just to annoy the admirals, we crossed the Neutral Zone and ran back and forth a few times. I only have one regret: I could have been good friends with Evil Vulcan Commander. But somehow, I don’t think it’s the last we’ve seen of him...”