Chapter 6: “Wolves in the Folds of Fat”

Written by “8 of 12”

Keeping in mind I’ve never seen the episode...

“Captain’s Log, Stardate: Not as soon as you think. I’ve beamed down to the planet Arkanellius II for shore leave with some members of my crew. It’s our first change in a long time just to relax and not think about having to run a ship. That usually means babes. Nice ones too.”

“The planet is name Argelius II.” Spock said with a small sigh. “Say it with me. ‘Argelius.’”

“Who can worry about the correct facts on a little report when we’re here on such a great planet?” Kirk said, refilling his drink. “We’re in a nightclub.” Spock said. “There are more appropriate places to make a report.”

“You’re probably right.” Kirk agreed. “I probably should have gone to the bathroom. Hey Sulu, check out the babes!”

“Aye sir, checking out the babes!” Sulu agreed enthusiastically. “This is a great nightclub, Spock.” Kirk said. “It let’s you experience first hand how illogical humans really... are... is that Fat Scotty over there? With a female?”

Spock looked across the crowded nightclub. “It appears that it is, yes.”

Kirk dropped his drink in shock. “He’s going to score before me. He’s leaving with her! I’ve got to stop him! The glory must be mine!!”

“No, no, you shouldn’t go out there! Not outside!” One of the locals said, grabbing him by the arm. “Not after dark! That’s when a cursed monster walks the night! His name is Isagul!”

“Oh look Spock, the locals have superstitious legends!” Kirk ridiculed. “Most legends have some basis in fact, Captain.” Spock reminded him. “Whatever.” Kirk dismissed. “Continue your story, Arikian native.”

“Every night he comes and stalks among the streets. And every night, some poor unfortunate is his prey...” The local continued. Kirk frowned. “He sounds not nice.”

“He is truly a being from the netherworld! Stay inside the walls tonight, my friend! Within the walls where you are safe!”

Spock watched Kirk carefully. “I know that look upon your face.”

“Captain Kirk is afraid of no demon from the nether regions! Captain Kirk will find that monster and slay him! In that order!” Kirk said with determination. Spock banged his head against the counter of the bar. “Yes, that is the look upon his face.”

The local shook his head confidently. “A fine starship captain you may be, Kirk, but even you can not slay that which is already dead!”

“That will not stop me!” Kirk yelled waving his phaser around in determination. “If he is dead and still alive, I will kill him deader than dead!”

Spock banged his head harder. Kirk paused in momentary confusion. “But if he is dead... hmm...”

The local looked slightly sad. “Would that it were that easy, Kirk. Many have tried...”

“If he be dead, I shall wield my phaser and end his life...” Kirk continued half to himself. “Nobody knows when Isagul first appeared.” The local told Spock. “But he has been terrorizing we Argelians for as long as we can recall. Each night, he appears to claim a victim. Many have tried to destroy him, with no exceptions, they fail. No one can agree on how he appears, and witnesses that escape an encounter with their lives are rare. We even conspired to set elaborate traps for him, such leaving the local drunk as bait. We went to our leaders to demand protection, but they are too busy counting their wealth, and have not lifted a finger, which is why the streets are never safe at night. Take heed, Kirk and Spock. There is nothing you can do to help this situation.”

“But if I kill what is already dead... hmm...” Kirk said in his musings. He stood with determination. “Come, Spock, Sulu! We have a mission, and a dead man to slay! Or something else like that!”

Many hours later...

“If he be dead and I slay him, then he would be alive!” Kirk said in an excited manner. “No, wait...”

“Captain, please stop trying to figure it out.” Spock pleaded. “We’ve been at this for hours. The amusement of you making Sulu wear a little bell as bait for Isagul has well since worn off.”

“No!” Said Kirk in a determined manner. “Tonight I am going to slay Isagul and claim the reward! Is there a reward? Well whether there is or not, I am going to slay him!”

“We should go inside, we cannot slay the dead!” Sulu insisted. “Quickly, before he catches us!”

“Kirk is not afraid!” Kirk insisted. “Walk further in front, Sulu! And make the bell ring louder! I will slay that which is not alive and make him deader than the death in which he lives or... oh, I am never going to figure this out!”

He quickly ran up to a corner and peered around it. “I will just kill him.”

A scream suddenly pierced the night, and the three officers leapt to attention. “What is that!? It sounds like singing!” Spock exclaimed. Sulu curled up on the ground and started screaming. “Make it stop, make it stop!!”

Another scream pierced the night quite suddenly. The bad kind of scream this time. The very bad kind of scream. “That must be Isagul, Spock!” Kirk yelled, pulling out his phaser and running. “Isagul is claiming another victim!”

“You’re going the wrong way!” Spock yelled back, running in the opposite direction.

After a short amount of running...

“There you are, dead one!” Kirk yelled, grabbing the dark form and throwing it to the ground. “Prepare to loose your life... or death... or... something!!”

“Get ye filthy hands off me, or I’ll smash ye so hard ye won’t know what hit ye!” Isagul yelled back. Kirk stared into the dark. “Isagul speaks Scottish? You do not look dead. But you will! Are you absolutely sure you are not dead!”

“Look closer you daft prat! Surely ye know your engineer when ye spot him!” Isagul said again. “Oooooh, not Isagul.” Kirk said, putting down his phaser. “Fat Scotty.”

“Aye.” Fat Scotty agreed. “Fat Scotty is more Isagul then you can handle. Ain’t that right, sonny Jim? But I think Isagul has already struck. I found his first victim. That girl that I was with... she’s been murdered.”

“Captain’s Log, Stardate: I’m not exactly sure because it’s daytime and I can’t see them. We’re still here on the planet Argentina II. Isagul is still at large. We have nothing to do but to wait for nightfall and try again.”

“Count yourself lucky that he didn’t take one of you instead!” The local warned. “It’s always in the same manner too. You could be outside, and hear a strange eerie singing. Some either claim they can make out the words. And the victims always die of the same thing — shock. With their ears bleeding!”

“Dr. McCoy’s autopsy report would seem to indicate the same thing.” Spock grudgingly admitted. “Isagul will not likely accept you hunting him.” The local said. “You cannot kill that which is already dead!”

“Nonsense.” Kirk said. “Anyone can be killed. Wherever there is life, there must be death.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “That is quite wise and profound, captain. For you at least.”

“It is?” Kirk said with a smile. “I said something wise!”

“Well I best be going up to the Enterprise.” Fat Scotty said excusing himself. “She nae be going anywhere fast if the repairs to the warp core are nae finished.”

“Not now, Fat Scotty. You’re coming with me and Spock here to hunt Isagul tonight.” Kirk ordered. “Oooh, going to hunt Isagul, am I?” Fat Scotty said, loosing his temper. “Aye sir, right away sonny Jim. Well ye can shove Isagul up ye warp core an’ repair it yeself!!”

Later that night...

“Here Isagul Isagul Isagul!” Fat Scotty said shaking the bell louder. “Get your undead arse out here and be slain without a fuss so we can stop walking around! I won’t take much more of this sonny Jim!”

“Jingle the bell a little louder, Fat Scotty.” Kirk ordered. “Aye sir, I’ll jingle your bell for ye!” Fat Scotty yelled back at him. “And deal with the cold and stop complaining!” Kirk ordered. “Where there is cold there must be... err... goosebumps! There must be!” He looked at Spock. “Wise and profound?”

Spock shook his head. “Not by a long shot. Please stop trying.”

Fat Scotty stopped suddenly and remained very silent. “I think I heard something!” he yelled, running away in one direction. “Yes, I heard it too, it’s over here!” Kirk yelled, running in the other direction. Spock quickly grabbed his arm and stood very still. “Listen captain! The singing!”

Kirk’s eyes opened wider. “Isagul!!”

Over the night sky, in the light of the gentle moons, a voice could be heard singing in a high voice. A sudden scream penetrated the night. “Isagul has claimed another victim!” Kirk yelled, running in the direction of the scream. Kirk ran up and dived on the dark form of Isagul. “This time Isagul, I am going to kill you and you are going to stay killed!” He yelled. “Yes, this is an act of killing! And where there is killing there must be... uh... no killing!!”

“Get off me, ye stupid lily-livered prat or ye’ll be scraping ye entrails off the sidewalk!” Fat Scotty yelled, picking Kirk off his back and throwing him down. Kirk rubbed his head. “Ooooooh. Not Isagul. Fat Scotty.”

“Aye.” Fat Scotty said. “And I found the victim.”

“Curious.” Spock said. “Twice there have been murders. Twice in the vicinity of Fat Scotty.”

“What are ye getting at, Sonny Vulcan?” Fat Scotty demanded. “Nothing.” Spock said innocently. “Aye, it’d had better be nothing!” Fat Scotty agreed threatingly. “It was him!” A local yelled, pointing at Fat Scotty. “I saw him do it! He’s the murderer!”

“Fat Scotty is Isagul!??” Kirk said. He poked Scotty in the gut. “He does not look dead. But if he is dead and then not dead... wouldn’t that make you a flesh-eating zombie?”

“Perhaps.” Spock agreed. “On numerous occasions, Fat Scotty has boasted that he ate a baby.”

“Well...” Fat Scotty said nervously twiddling his thumbs. “I wouldn’t exactly say ate a baby...”

“I remember!” Kirk agreed. “You want you babyback babyback babyback!”

Fat Scotty twiddled his finger’s even more nervously. “Well, I wouldn’t exactly say I wanted it back... but ye have to believe me, Sonny Jim, I did nae kill these ladies!”

“Captain’s Log, Stardate: Perhaps a little to the left. Fat Scotty is guilty. Of that I am absolutely sure. He’s currently in the conference room being questioned by the local authorities. I should probably have seen it coming. This is Fat Scotty we’re talking about. He stole my mojo. He conspired with Kahn.”

“I do not believe he entirely guilty.” Spock interrupted from his console on the bridge. Kirk paused in his log. “You what? Log continued. Fat Scotty is not guilty. He is a loyal and slightly obese crewmember who has... well... he’s just not guilty. And I will fight for his freedom. End log. How can you say that, Spock!?”

“Isagul has apparently been killing for many years. Fat Scotty has only been on the planet for two nights.” Spock pointed out. “But there was a witness!” Kirk pointed out. Spock turned to his computer. “In the late 20th century there was a singer known as Céline Dion who published this song.” Spock began. He played some music over the ship’s systems. “That’s Isagul’s song!” Kirk yelled. He dove for cover and hid under his chair. “The song that Isagul was singing! No, no, make it stop!”

Spock turned off the music and turned back to his science station. “The music caused the death of many humans in the late 21st century. It is also the same song sung by the demons of Orden Taal in 2172. And also by the wraith of Chaaka Kahn approximately 30 Earth years ago. Now it is credited to be sung by Isagul, a living dead who walks the nights of Argelius II and kills people by singing. I believe that these were and are, one and the same. I believe that Fat Scotty has been possessed by Céline Dion.”

“The poor fat bastard.” Kirk muttered, clutching his chair base in terror.

“Captain’s Log, Stardate: The night before Christmas when all through the bridge not a creature not stirring, not even the bridge. All is quiet now. After watching The Exorcist many times, Dr. McCoy has succeeded in exorcising the evil spirit of Céline Dion from Fat Scotty. I recommended 15 laps around the ship as a solution, and that maybe that it would exercise the demon, but it proved to be less than effective. Fat Scotty got about five steps before he demanded that I piggyback him the rest of the way.”

Captain Kirk walked quietly on the top of the outside of the ship, to where Fat Scotty was sitting at the front of it.

“Sonny Jim!” Fat Scotty said in surprise. “I didn’t hear ye come out here!”

“Please, Fat Scotty, don’t get up.” Kirk said, sitting down next to him and dangling his feet off the edge of the ship. “The doctor let ye out of sickbay?” Fat Scotty asked. “Yes, I just needed a new backbone.” Kirk said. “Aye... sorry, I won’t jump on your back so hard next time.” Fat Scotty said slightly embarrassed. Kirk looked at the stars as they warped past. “So what was it like?” He asked. Being possessed by Céline Dion?”

Fat Scotty sighed. “It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I mean, it was kinda like that feeling that you get when you’re handed you twenty-third plate of spaghetti and meatball with those little mushrooms in it, and you just sit there looking at it being as full as ye can ever being, it’s there taunting ye and ye know that ye can’t possibly eat another bite!” He sighed. “Power like that is dangerous in any hands.”

Kirk tried to figure out what he’d just been told. “Yes, it is. Where there is power... there is too much power.”

“Aye.” Fat Scotty agreed sadly. After a moment, Kirk stood up on the hull of the ship. “I should get back to the bridge.”

“Sonny Jim...” Fat Scotty said quietly. “Before you do... could ye just do one thing for me? I just need to get it out of me system, sir.”

“Of course, Fat Scotty.” Kirk agreed. “Thank ye, sir.” Fat Scotty said. He stood up and grabbed Kirk’s arms, pulling them apart as the stood at the front of the ship. “Nearrrrrr... farrrrrrr... wherever ye are, I believe that mae heart willll go ooooooonnnnnnnn......”